Christmas Day
Den and I are having a disagreement over when to take a pregnancy test. My beta – the definitive blood test – is set for December 26th. It should have been December 25th, going by dates, but of course that happens to be Christmas Day. So I get to wait an extra day.
Den wants to wait. We are happy now, hopeful… he wants to just live in a state of suspended belief through Christmas. He wants to rest in the knowledge of what could be, instead of having to deal with what amounts to a loss, a great sadness, on a day that is time spent with family. Especially since we don’t want to tell all the family right away – it’s easier to give vague answers when you yourself don’t even know.
And that all does make sense to me, in a way. I do understand where he’s coming from, not wanting to ruin the day with bad news. But I don’t think I can do that.
First of all I have to work both on December 24 and 26th. I really don’t want to have to deal with customers all day after such momentous news – good or bad. If it’s bad news I’d prefer to go and have a good cry; if it’s good news I’m going to be bouncing off the walls and not wanting to just sit there with no internet all day.
I could test Tuesday, but the likelihood of actually getting an accurate answer that day is pretty slim. Possible, but it certainly wouldn’t be conclusive.
But there is a much bigger reasoning to my desire to test on Christmas Day, far more than convenience.
You see, Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I’m an athiest, and as a teenager I strongly rebelled against any hint of any religion – except for Christmas. It has always been sacred in my mind. Christmas morning I would sneak out of my bed to plug in the lights on the tree and just sit on the living room floor, basking in the glow off all of the presents. I loved spending that time with my family, always opening our stockings first, eating chocolates and nuts from our stocking stuffers while passing out gifts, surrounded by ripped wrapping paper and bows, the dog nudging through each pile in the hopes that another bone would be buried in there somewhere. There was a feeling of utter contentment that only ever came about that one day a year. It was the perfect day.
Last Christmas we flew home to Canada, me with my almost-third-trimester belly, Devin nestled safely inside. I woke up early, as usual, giddy, thilled to be sharing this special year with my family. It was just like old times, except my husband was there too, and I was carrying a baby – a very special baby, long awaited and much rejoyced. I was so happy. I sat in front of the lights and the presents, the wrapping paper and the dogs, just like I’d always done, and I felt such joy at the future.
A year has passed. But my house is not decorated with Christmas items. There are no stockings over the fireplace. There are no presents under the tree.
There is no Devin.
I didn’t know that last year at my parents’, pregnant and glowing, opening presents of knit booties and board books about trains, was going to be my one and only Christmas to celebrate with my baby. That there would be no “first” Christmas. There would be no more gifts. There would be no more pictures amid wrapping paper and toys. Only tears, and memories.
So when my retrieval date was set and I counted out the number of days to testing and landed on Christmas Day I got a little sliver of hope back. That maybe this year I will still have something to wake up for on Christmas morning. A reason to be joyful.
And I know it’s far from guaranteed. I know fear and anxiety, too. But can it really get any worse? No matter the news of this cycle, there will still be the hole in my heart to contend with. There will still be tears. If it’s negative there will probably be more tears. I accept that.
But maybe it won’t be. Maybe, just maybe, we could have something wonderful this Christmas. That is what I hold on to.
natalie i’m due to test for a pregnancy on christmas day, too. it is almost too much to bear! why that day, of all days. i hope luck is on both of our sides on this special day.
I’m with you. For no real reason other than emotional pull.
Any way you can test later-ish in the day, so as not to “ruin” the whole day, if it’s a negative? *HUGS*
That was beautiful. Truly beautiful.
I can see both sides, but knowing me, I think I would err on your side. I hope you are able to get some of that hope back, I really do. My fingers are crossed for you.
I’m not sure I could wait either. Your explanation makes complete sense to me. Hopeful for you.
Wow, this is a tough call. I think I’d do Christmas, early, but have something planned for the day to make me either feel better or feel fucking wonderful. Make a cake in advance, plan a walk or visit somewhere in advance, plan a cozy fun movie time in advance. Then either way you know you have something to occupy your brain for a bit.
I’m also a subscriber of the “it can’t get worse — I’ve already been there” club, but I gotta tell you, sometimes it scares me.
How about testing later on Christmas day. Let Den have his nice Christmas, he deserves it. He’s been through a lot this year too.
I say listen to your husband. He really does have your best interests in mind. For my part, I would much rather be bouncing off the walls without an outlet for my good news than to be disappointed on a special and much anticipated holiday.
But that’s the problem, Tracy. This is NOT a special nor anticipated holiday this year. At all. I’m dreading it. If I had my way we’d just skip over it completely this year.
nat,
do what YOU want to do. forget about everything else. in the end, you have to “deal” with whatever happens–whether it be a joyful pregnancy dance or the loss of what you dreamed about for this cycle. you know that infertility is so complex, so difficult to understand, to “get” if you don’t live it that you have to take care of you first…
on the other hand, for me, i am a tester. my only logic is that i don’t want to be blindsided. i would rather be the first to know what i am up against–either way. my beta is the 29th. i usually get a BFP at least 4 days before my beta. we will see. but that’s me.
oh–my ER, long story but because of an effing delay of TWO hours, i had already started ovulating. i had 27 follicles (all of which were at least 2.0 three days prior) and all but 8 were GONE by the time they got in there. i got 8 eggs. 6 mature. 3 fertilized. 3 embryos. transferred them all on day 2. (no need to wait to day 3, etc. when the only real reason they do that is to select the best ones…n/a in my situation!).
i am here with you, waiting.
“But that’s the problem, Tracy. This is NOT a special nor anticipated holiday this year. At all. I’m dreading it. If I had my way we’d just skip over it completely this year.”
But it’s not just all about you and your feelings and emotions. There’s your husband to consider.
Hubby’s entire point is to protect me from being hurt – not so much himself. He’s… a protector. It’s what he does. Though yes, there are two of us in it.
But it doesn’t matter now anymore.
So when my retrieval date was set and I counted out the number of days to testing and landed on Christmas Day I got a little sliver of hope back. That maybe this year I will still have something to wake up for on Christmas morning. A reason to be joyful.
This brought tears to my eyes..I wanted to reach out and hug you and be able to tell EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT I PROMISE.. But I can’t promise that even though I want too :)