I stared at the blood with confusion, before it dawned on me. I suppressed a squeal of relief and excitement – I didn’t figure that would sound quite right in the bathroom at work. I nearly teared up.

My period! It has arrived a couple days before I expected it, which puts me perfectly on-course. The impact of it hit me shortly: this is the unofficial start of IVF. This is the start of my suppression cycle. I start birth control pills tonight, and lupron in three weeks. The time draws near.

I spoke with my new boss today about the upcoming cycle, our plans. I told her how the son we lost was an IVF baby and that in order to get pregnant again we need to go through it again. I wanted to let her know that there may be some days I’ll come in an hour late, and I may have to miss a day for retrieval. I don’t really know exactly what days, just that it’s coming. She waved her hand and told me not to worry at all, to take whatever time I needed and just let her know when I find out what days.

I am very grateful. I have done my utmost best to be the best employee I possibly could under the circumstances – to not miss a day, to never be late, to always help when something needs doing. I schedule all my appointments for the days I work at my other job (which is far less time-structured). It has been a juggling act, what with the teeth and the car and the chiropractor and the allergy appointments. (There have been a lot of appointments in the last month.) But I wanted my new employer to know that this is the kind of person I am.

I have been getting positive feedback, and I am feeling more at ease there. The women are nice. The job isn’t too hard or too easy. When I’m busy the days go quickly, and I apprecate that. (When it’s not busy they go slow – I have been reading books.) I am even able to make some phone calls and plan out my week when I have downtime – a luxury I’ve never really had at a job before.

The pregnant coworker is still pregnant and it is wearing thin on me, I think. Not her, she is perfectly nice and understanding. It is all the damn comments. All the customers comment about her, talk about baby things. All the coworkers too (though that is a little easier to handle because I can jump in, as they know my background.) And it’s not like I’m being pushed to tears. It’s just that after 3 hours of customers exclaiming to her that it’ll be “any day now” I start to get a little worn down and frustrated and tired.

But I am glad I got to know her before she leaves on maternity leave, because she is a nice girl. She seems to get it in some ways more than the others. She said I will be the next pregnant one at the bank. I think everyone there has been very understanding, really. Oh a few comments that you know were coming from the right place but come out all wrong, but not too many.

I find myself wanting to take the pregnant one aside. I want to hold her hands and say, Ignore all the comments. Try not to think about the time. He will come when he is ready. Cherish this time you have, waiting. He will come soon, and when he does you will wonder if you are ready yet. It’s okay to be scared, but don’t let it overwhelm you. Take a deep breath. You are woman. Many women have done this before, and you will too. You are strong. You will never be the same again – you will be stronger. Rest. You will need it. Hold my hand, I am here with you. I wish I could infuse her with strength. I wish I could lighten her burden. I wish I could tell her of the joy and wonder of childbirth. I wish I could help her.

Is this what a calling feels like?

Mostly I spend my time picturing me there, working, pregnant. I can see it.

I still have hope. Real hope, now. I knew I probably wasn’t going to get pregnant on my own – some people call that pessimism, I call it realism. I have come to terms with that and moved forward. And now we finally come to our real chance. It may still come up negative, but this December we stand a 50-50 chance of actually being pregnant. And right now that’s the only thing that really brings the spark back into my eyes. Real hope.