Lost in Limbo
I am not pregnant.
For a few days there I was really wondering. My period has never been this late – ever. I know I was sick and all, but I’m over a week late, even by my longer post-pregnancy cycle standards. Could it be possible…?
I didn’t want to take a test. For the first time I really understood those people who willingly avoid testing, even when it’s pretty obvious they are late and having symptoms. I understand that fear of the blank white strip, the negative. I really, really didn’t want to see it again… I didn’t want to sit there and wait, holding my breath, hand shaking as I held the test and waited for it to develop… only to be disappointed. Again. I’ve seen far too many negatives in my life, and I’m sick of them. I’m sick of the disappointment, I’m sick of throwing them in the trash month after month.
I was going to test Sunday, but then that fear, that desire to avoid yet another negative, butted in and I said I’d test Tuesday.
Well I spent all Sunday trying desperately to stop thinking about and realized it was futile. And idiotic. By trying to avoid one thing I had brought upon myself something apparently worse. The not knowing, the what-if’s… they’ll drive you insane.
So this morning, bright and early (actually it was dark out) I took a test. And it was, as expected, stark white with one line. Not two. Not even a hint of two. Same as freaking usual. So I’m heading into cycle day 40, definitively not pregnant, and no freakin’ clue what’s going on. (And before you say, “But you could still be pregnant, and it’s too early to tell!” let me point out that the only time we had sex was over 18 days ago. So it would either be obviously positive were I pregnant, or it’s a flippin’ virgin conception.)
I have to admit, I think I’m slightly relieved. That sounds weird, I know. But I have everything set up for a December cycle, I’ve really gotten attached to the idea of a September due date. I have my wisdom teeth surgery next week. I need to do better with my eating and preparing my body. I feel like I need a month here to prepare myself. Of course my hands were shaking when I took the test. Of course I would have screamed and cried in joy if it actually had been positive. But I’m not at all surprized and in a way I feel like I need this respite.
My main concern right now is that without my period I cannot schedule my sonohistogram, and without my sonohistogram I cannot get insurance approval for IVF, and without insurance approval I don’t cycle in December. This is what is upsetting me. So I’m not pregnant. Again. I get that. I’m okay with that. I didn’t expect it anyways. But for fuck’s sake, don’t screw up my plans.
My plan for the moment is to go on the pill when my period comes. This serves dual purposes: it keeps me from what-ifing yet again and driving myself crazy next cycle, and it will shorten my cycle. Possibly doing two cycles of the pill will get me back on track… but of course that will depend on when AF decides to show up. I’m going to call the IVF nurses tomorrow, I think, to ask them what options I have for my cycle besides endlessly waiting, and if taking the BCP is okay.
I am just really in such a state of shock and anger and frustration that my body has decided to pull this stunt on me now. Not that there’s ever a good time for your period to go AWOL, but it’s definitely preferred to happen when I am not planning an IVF cycle in the near future.
I hope it all works out girl!
I’m sorry Nat. I’m sorry that for us the hope gets so choked out by fear and frustration and bad memories.
Wishing you peace.
I would try calling the nurses in the morning. When my period was not showing up and I got pissed b/c it was holding up my IVF cycle, they gave me provera (after having a beta test to prove that I wasn’t pregnant, despite telling them that I had taken a HPT that morning) Of course in my case my period finally showed up the day after I had the beta. Go figure…
Meh.
I didn’t want to point it out but when you talked about being late this little ray of light went shining in my head: “what if … ?”
Sorry it’s this fucked up girl. I hope your body will give itself a good kick in the arse and deliver (no pun intended).
As I’ve *ahem* mentioned once or twice on my blog, my last 3 cycles have all been over 50 days. And my body keeps giving me O signs in the mid to late teens. So when AF doesn’t show by the late thirties (which happens to be what my cycle length USED to be before this nonsense) I can’t help but wonder. So I test. Just so I don’t have to think about it. Yes that’s right, I’ve started testing again. Not because I believe I’ll see anything. But because getting the negative allows me to not think about it and keep on living my infertile life without that little niggling “What if?”
i totally get it. just when you acutally WANT af to show she does not. thinking of all the countless months we wish she would not show and we’d be pg. right before an IVF cycle of course we want a “virgin conception” but damn…if not then bring on af right? do you have your cycle date for december? i wonder how close we will be. i need YOUR support too :)
hang in there nat…
Have you been stressing more so lately? I would think that all the loss/greif/stress you are going through would knock you out of wack, and if this has started since you got the new job and they are getting increasingly longer now that you are working “full time”. I’m not saying to stop but just to take a look at what has happened since it’s increased in length.
I hope that they can help you straighten it out, but talking to your DR would be a good idea. Provera for a late cycle will hopefully ease your concerns and allow IVF to start when you need/want it to.
Limboland sucks. I’m so sorry.
I think you should ask your doc to guve you provera to bring on AF. It could be an annovulatory cycle in which case the cycle could last much longer. At the very least, can you go in for some b/w to check if this is an annov cycle? They can test your p4 levels and tell you. If they are low, then you can start the provera to bring on AF. If they are high, you can just wait it out b/c you have indeed ovulated. Anyway, just a thought.
I just found your blog! So sorry about the limbo and the waiting for AF, I hate that when you just want to get started and move forward. Hang in there!
I don’t want to get your hopes up…blood work will definately clear this all up…Back when I was pregnant it took me 2 weeks.. YES TWO FREGGING weeks to FINALLY get a positive.. I went for blood work etc etc..some part of me said i wasnt and yet some part said I was.. my lmp was november 22, 2008.. i was expected for my period around december 20th or so…i tested and I remember it soo clearly…tested on the 18th(I had also went for an ultrasound that day)…dec 23rd, dec 28th jan 2nd and january 4th i finally got a bfp…
my U/S result stated that i had cysts on my ovaries and the dr said i would most likely never be able to have children. That I had PCOS and there was nothing they could do…(that i couldnt get pregnant on my own) when my ob seen and read the results of my U/S when i met him when i was 16 weeks, he stated that in the ultrasound it was obvious that i was pregnant…there was a mass in the uterus that was a possible pregnancy…go figure…nice huh???
I hope something like that happens to you..I really do! You deserve another chance at this..I am sure you and Den would have been wonderful parents to Devin…What am I saying? You ARE wonderful parents! He was very lucky to have you both! I wish you both all the best of luck! I hope the blood work comes back good news…Can’t wait to hear! Hugz
i meant to say november 22 2006 lol…my son was born sept 12, 2007
Cynthia – My last pregnancy my BFP was at 13dpo, so by 18dpo it’s pretty much a definite answer. :)