One interesting side-effect of working at my new job Wednesday through Saturday is that I have to cram all my appointments into Monday and Tuesday – when I am, coincidentally, also supposed to be working at my other job. I really don’t know how all you fulltimers do it… how do you get the time to fix your car, or go to the doctor, or have a therapy session? I have non-stop appointments lately. Granted this is somewhat new, but it’s all stuff that should have been looked at prior to now.

Monday early morning I pick up an order for work, then go to my chiropractor appointment – which I am really, really looking forward to. Something about how I’m sitting at work is causing some lower back pain and I’m hoping she can ease that somewhat.

Then at noon I have my hour-long therapy session in which I’ll express more anger and frustration and she will tell me that it is normal. (Not saying it’s not useful, though.)

Tuesday morning my car has an appointment at the dealership to get looked over so they can report to Hyundai USA. Obviously they need it looked at by their own diagnostician before taking any steps to rectify the problem. The good news, as my hubby pointed out, is that they didn’t laugh at me when I told them that my car has a manufacturers defect. Not that I am harboring any illusions here, but at least we have a chance for them to fix it.

Tuesday afternoon from 1-3pm I have my allergy testing screen, which apparently involves a lot of little needles in my upper arm. Fantastic.

And amid all that I still have a ton of work to get done. I have decided that I am giving my workstation a huge makeover – I bought a new stapler, organizer tray, some pens and highlighters, and I’m going to be removing all the old crap that’s laying around and simplifying. My boss may have an issue with that, but she’s not the one that sits there all the time. The only problem about having a desk at a cat sanctuary is, well, the cats. 1/5 of my desk is taken up by a cat bed. And yes it is necessary – it’s either a cat bed or they lay on my stuff. I can’t tell you how many times one of the cats has layed on my laptop keyboard and fucked something up. Some days I dream of an office where there are no cats. It would be a hell of a lot easier to get paperwork done. They always want to “help” (ie, sit in my papers and take off with my pen).

Plus doing the organization’s website is another one of my charity projects I do in my own time (usually – I prefer doing it at home, in bed, with a cup of hot chocolate in hand). It needs a lot of attention right now… a lot of updates and changes. Of course no one bitches at me, I’m not paid for it and I’m working crazy hours (and only getting paid for 10 a week!). But I think today this will be my project. I feel like working on it. And what’s the alternative, anyways… I sit and obsess about other things? No thanks.

I know I’m skating a fine line between keeping busy and burning myself out. When I’m busy I find myself longing for some downtime… but any time I do have some time to myself it really starts getting to me, I start thinking too much and I look for something to keep my mind occupied. I can’t win for losiing, I guess.

I know I can’t keep up this pace long-term… it’s not meant to be long-term. It’s meant to get me through this wait until I’m securely pregnant. And then when I am pregnant it’s meant to keep me occupied so I don’t spend my entire day freaking out.

The waiting… the waiting is what kills me. I’m good with the doing. I will gladly welcome the daily shots, vaginal ultrasounds, and retrieval surgery – things that people who don’t know generally consider to be the tough things. Those are easy. Those are positive. They give me something active to do, they give me numbers and plans. They give me hope. No, it’s the waiting to cycle that will drive you crazy. Not the little needles in the stomach. One just leaves a physical bruise… the other leaves a heavy mental shadow that “other” people just don’t see.