Images I don’t need in my head
Work is going well. I’m picking things up quickly and settling in, and I like being busy. Plus, compared to the hard physical labor I do at my other job, sitting at a computer typing all day seems like cake.
However, there is a lot of downtime. Even on “busy” days, there are periods where there are no customers. Some of them pull out books. Many of them start chatting, frequently baby things. I just want to keep busy. Just give me something to do so I don’t have to sit here with nothing to occupy my mind. Especially not when you’re talking about ultrasounds. Or how much the pregnant one has “popped”. I can’t stop looking… her belly is big. She’s right around when I lost Devin… maybe a little earlier (but is bigger than I was, IMO).
Today there was one of those downtimes and the other ladies start gathering. I glance over to see one of the coworkers came in on her day off… with her baby. Remember when I mentioned the baby boy that was born in February? Yeah, that one.
I averted my eyes, like usual. Felt my mouth tighten slightly. The kid got passed around from lady to lady and someone brought him down to my end. I smiled politely at the kid, my thoughts and emotions shielded, like every time I see a baby. But as I glanced up at the kid I suddenly felt like someone was sitting on my chest. It was like looking in a mirror, showing me what Devin should be right now. A smiling baby on someone’s hip, mischevious and inquisitive. I quietly and quickly left the room and just started gasping for air. I literally couldn’t breathe, my chest was so tight.
I remember walking back and forth in the break room thinking that this was the first time I really tried to hold in my grief. Here I am at work, with makeup on, and I just know if I start bawling it’s not going to stop. I cannot lose it right now. But in 6 months I have never not cried when I felt overwhelmed. I don’t cry a lot anymore, but when I have to I just curl up on the couch and bawl. It’s a horrible feeling to stifle it.
One of the ladies came back and asked if I was okay. I mentioned that it was hard, he was the same age my boy would be. She said, “Oh, I’m sorry… I didn’t think about that.” I didn’t really expect them to… I wasn’t very specific.
Now I can’t get the image out of my head, the image of my son as a live, healthy baby. It tears my heart in two.
Please, please universe. Give me another chance at this mom thing. Please give me something good to hold onto. Please give me another pregnancy and, this time, a healthy baby.
*hugs*
Lots of love, Natalie.
Yes. I’ll echo your sentiments. Please, another chance for you at a wee babe of your own.
Oh girl. More hugs.
I don’t know if this will make you smile or cry, but today I was reading your blog and Thomas said, “Oh, the baby sleeping. Awww.” Even at age 2, he can see that Devin was beautiful.
natalie, that image has got to be one of the hardest things. and you’re right, to stifle that raw emotion and grief feels awful. I hope you allowed yourself a good cry at some point.
oh girl…I am sorry about this. I pray for you too that you get the chance to be a mom again. Sending you a big hug….
*hugs* I know exactly how you feel. It’s difficult, especially after a tragic loss *hugs*
I’m not sure how much sway I have with the universe, but I’ll add my words to yours.
Just thinking of you today, and praying for your miracle! Hugs!
I wait with great anticipation for the entry proclaiming your next pregnancy. I’m hoping so hard for you, Natalie. My heart aches for you.
*super hugs*
Nat.
I have not even read your new posts yet, but I just wanted to you know that I have been thinking about you the past few days. I have been reading a book I think you should read. Its called “The Shack” by William P. Young. I am not trying to push anything on you, but I just finished it today and have an ENTIRE new outlook on life. It may help you a little…Stay strong girl, good things are coming your way, I can feel it!
Amber
wifey2804@yahoo.com
That’s a hard, hard thing Natalie. Been through it, still go through it. It’s surprising and hurtful, still to me now after over a year, that the world is a largely insensitive place. People just don’t know, can’t think beyond their own baby worlds, and in the end you’re left to feel the hurt. Wish I knew the right thing to say, other than I admire your courage and honesty to pour your thoughts out here.
Sending you hugs, sorry that it was so hard on you.
I just want to send you a hug. Sometimes the unfairness in the universe upsets me so much it makes me sick. I’m just so sorry.
So sorry. Thinking of you.
Please, please universe. Give me another chance at this mom thing. Please give me something good to hold onto. Please give me another pregnancy and, this time, a healthy baby.
When I read this, I glanced down at my daughter and got all teary eyed.. I hope the universe gives you another chance, you will be a great mom :)
I love you Nat *hug*
Oh gosh I wish I could be there to hug you in person during these times.