I guess “happy” is not the term many people would use to describe their angel’s 6-month birthday. And, true, it is a sad occassion as well – 6 months further away from my son. The memories all get less crisp with each day that passes.

But for me, it is 6 months towards healing. 6 months further down the road, a day I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to handle. It is 6 months closer to being pregnant again, to bringing Devin’s sibling into the world. And it is 6 months since I met my son.

I guess that’s what strikes me most: I met my son. I got to see him. I gave birth to him. That is why I think about it on the 6th, not on the 2nd or 3rd when he most likely passed away inside me. His passing happened quietly, without notice. But his birth brought him into our arms, into the world – and away from me. His birth is the significant moment. That ultrasound was a significant moment. March 6th was the day our world changed.

For a long time I really couldn’t imagine myself sitting here today, with a new job, IVF lined up, feeling hopeful. I couldn’t wrap my mind around ever feeling positive again. My son is gone. He will always be gone. And, yes, there is an ache inside me that will never, ever leave. There will always be so many questions – and there will always be fear.

But I have hope for the future. And to me, right now, that is enough.

Happy 6 months, little man. You’d be so big now, if you were here. You’d be babbling and sitting and starting solid foods. You’d be the center of my life. I’m sorry things didn’t turn out the way we all hoped. I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you the way I promised to when you were conceived. I’m sorry you never got to see all the things outside my body – never got to look into my face or be held by your daddy. But I am glad you were safe within me for so long. I’m glad I got to know you, even just a little. You were a perfect little baby, and you always will be in my heart. We miss you.