Unexpected
So apparently the wait is over… I got my period. At 10dpo. Uhhh, wtf? Did I miss a memo here?
First started this morning, a bit of blood (and by “a bit” I mean “quite a lot of spotting”). My first thought of course was holy shit, this is what happened on Devin’s cycle! Spotting at 10dpo. I got excited… too excited. I didn’t really say much though, except to Kel. She and I were all hopeful together.
But the spotting didn’t stop… it got heavier. And I was getting more and more perplexed. Of all the things I thought this could be, I did NOT expect AF 4 days early. But apparently that’s what this is. It’s gotten heavy enough I need a pad, and I’ve got a lot of AF cramps going on too. So what the hell? Did I O before my positive OPK? Or did I just have a really short luteal phase this time because I’m post-partum? This whole journey has one big “WTF?!” so I don’t know why this surprizes me.
I’m not really sad, though. Disappointed, yes. But… a little relieved too. I was nervous about being due so close to Devin’s birthday… before his birthday. Like I told Kel this morning, I was kind of at a space of “whatever happens this month, I’m okay with that.” And I truly am.
The one thing that does really sit heavy on my mind, however, is the infertility thing. Every cycle I don’t get pregnant is another step further away from a surprize “natural” (non-medically constructed) pregnancy. And that worries me. I mean, if I can’t get pregnant on my own when my eggs are still fresh and new from pregnancy, well… it doesn’t bode too well.
I told Kel today that honestly, if I didn’t have the infertility thing to deal with I’d probably just put off TTC for a month or two. If I thought I could plan the timing of a pregnancy ideally I’d shoot for May-ish. But I don’t have that luxury. As the other infertiles know, the idea of sitting around planning your due date ahead of time is laughable. So I take whatever I get, whenever I can get it.
I just want a baby, damnit. That’s all.
One of my first after the stillbirth post-partum cycles had a very short luteal phase. It got better on subsequent cycles.
I also don’t want to be a nudnik, but our eggs don’t get any fresher from having been through a pregnancy. All the eggs we ever will have (likely, there is some research on regeneration, but it’s not conclusive) are there before we are born. They are stored in this state where the chromosomes are replicated and ready to pull away from each other. What may happen after a pregnancy is that the hormonal regulation of a cycle is better than it was before, allowing us to drop those eggs better than we did previously. I am not saying this to show off, and I really hope you don’t that it that way. I am really saying this in hopes of easing your mind a bit about the quality of the eggs coming out and the timing of a future pregnancy. If it doesn’t help, please know that I didn’t mean to upset you, and feel free to disregard.
Hey, no worries Julia. I figured it was something like that (I don’t know specifics, just never bothered to research it… yet). I just keep hearing even doctors say that something about pregnancy *might* increase our chances, so that’s what I’ve been clinging to.
That roller coaster always sucks. Always. Even when we’re okay with nothing happening that cycle, it still sucks.
*hugs*
The roller coaster is the pits.
Planning due dates? Don’t I know it. I was pysched to be due in April, then after the m/c I thought well, summer would still be okay. Um, I’m really good with fall. Dammit even winter is fine. Annnnd now back at spring. I am totally at the “just want a baby” stage.
Sorry AF showed early. Hopefully the early show is just your hormones straightening themselves out.
I just want you to have a baby too. It gets so frustrating. {{hugs}}
*hug*
I have read and experienced that the first cycle postpartum, and even after a miscarriage, the luteal phase is typically shorter. I guess the corpus luteum forgets to produce enough progesterone or something after laying low for a while? I don’t know..stupid theory. But my hopes for you are SO big..that the next cycle is your longed-for pregnancy. Thinking of you.
My LP is short to begin with, and I had a 7 day one after my m/c, and whole cycle really got shaken down after both births. And my initial AF’s were wayyyyyy heavier than usual.
I know you want the magic bullet here, and I’m hoping along with you, but go easy on yourself. This part of the body is just a wicked thing to come to terms with.
I still haven’t gotten my period, my dr. said it can take 6mo to a year bf my body re-adjusts (!?). I hope it happens soon 4 u….. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way.
Same EXACT thing happened to me…the hope and everything. It took a few cycles to get things straight. Yes, who ARE these people who can actually plan their due dates anyway???