The weather here has decided to go from “Yay, spring!” to “Holy hell, WTF summer?!” over the span of a day. Air conditioners have been hastily thrown in windows, and all activity has ground to a halt. I spend my day vascillating between trying to get something done on my desktop computer (which has more power than my laptop, required for certain applications like Photoshop) and hiding in the bedroom with the laptop. Our living room, may I point out, does not have an air conditioner. (There’s an issue with the windows in that room – they’re crank-out windows.) It’s frankly aweful. Our thermostat was reading 89 degrees today. In my living room. So we all hide in the bedroom.

This all is frustrating to me, because I want to work on Devin’s scrapbook and that is of course the one thing the laptop has serious issues with (other than games). I think I’m almost done his ancestor family tree, but I’d like to make another page to go with it and I just gave up for the day. I feel like I’ve wasted time, I spent all day working on one page, but I also realize it’s going to be a very slow process. I hope to have the scrapbook done by his first birthday…. that gives me lots of time to do it correctly.

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I’m feeling jittery tonight, which explains why I’m still awake at 1:30 when I have to be out the door at 8. Oh well… I don’t really need that much sleep. I’m not quite sure why I feel jittery, but sometimes I just have to roll with my moods.

I hate this part of my cycle. Instead of “I could be in the future” it’s “I could be right now” which leads to me wanting to know as soon as possible, and then sharp on its heels is “But I’m not going to be.” Hope and despair and back again. What a terrible feeling, this hope, knowing that more than likely I’m going to be seriously disappointed.

Having been through it once before I know two things that I didn’t the first time: that being in a seriously bad, bad mood throughout my 2ww is not going to prevent a pregnancy; and that I will have no signs or symptoms until significantly after a BFP. There is a kind of peace in knowing that – knowing it in my heart instead of just in my mind. I remember analysing every little thing. I don’t even bother now, because I didn’t “feel” pregnant until I was about 6 weeks.

No, there’s nothing to do but wait. Maybe I should sleep. It makes waiting easier.