Faking Me Out
Today I had the occasion to go up to my husband and say, “There is a pee stick in the bathroom. IT IS NOT A PREGANCY TEST. Repeat: it is NOT a pregnancy test. So please, don’t walk in there and freak out thinking I’m pregnant or anything.”
Yeah, I took an ovulation test. Haven’t used those darn things in over 2 years, but my body is totally playing psych! so I thought I’d use the few that were stashed in the cupboard just to see what’s up. End result: I’m no more enlightened than before, there was no blazing ovulation positive.
My body, you see, it’s all fucked up. I thought I had ovulated a week ago, I had some little ovulation pangs, plus it was around the right time. I guess I got way too complacent with my predictable body schedule. I stopped paying attention (since Den is constantly harping on me to stop obsessing over what my body’s doing). We also stopped having sex. Then today I notice my CM, well, it’s very… fertile-looking. It seriously took me a few seconds to realize I was looking at EWCM, I was quite confused for a while (boy, it’s been a long time). But there it was, staring at me and I’m all well, shit. So maybe my body hasn’t gotten back to its normal schedule. So I guess we’ll get back to the “dance” so we don’t miss any chances. Just in case.
This also means, however, that I can’t be expecting my period next week like I thought. That’s good, in a way… the dates are all fuzzy so I can’t be freaking out on one specific date like I used to (only to have AF show up the next morning). But it’s also longer to wait. Bugger.
I sure hope this works. I hope I hope I hope. But… okay, so there’s a part of me that is very cognizant that, based on LMP, if I got pregnant I’d be due mid-February. Before Devin’s birthday. I wonder how I would handle that… having another baby before a year has passed. So I remind myself of that, remind myself that planning and worrying is great but there are no guarantees, due dates aren’t guarantees either, so I need to just release it all and let nature take its course, however it will go. And I keep repeating that, so hoping I won’t be too disappointed if the first or second months don’t work. It’s all good, right? It’s all okay.
But shit the waiting sucks. This open-ended wait… with nothing to count down to, nothing to look forward to until another month on repeat. It just sucks.
“But shit the waiting sucks. This open-ended wait… with nothing to count down to, nothing to look forward to until another month on repeat. It just sucks.”
Uggh, I understand this so much. That is one of the reasons, when my body doesn’t work… I almost don’t care because when it does work… I spend the next 2 weeks freaking out and overanalyzing every single thing to the point that it is exhausting. And I have gotten nowhere doing that.
I know we aren’t actively trying…but we have pretty much been on a “if it happens, it happens” thing for years now that I know damn well enough it isn’t going to happen out of the blue which is why I don’t get why I key myself up at all.
Okay, sorry to go off on my own little thing there. I just know very few people who could understand that even at all.
Honey, I (partially) understand the mental ramifcations of having another baby so soon, but, please don’t get your hopes up and hurt yourself more.
Also, talk to your midwives and docs first to make sure your body can handle another pregnancy so soon – as in have you rebuilt up your mineral reserves and such so that you don’t hurt yourself to support another pregnancy.
*hugs*
Jess – They okayed it right from the start. They said we could get pregnant (or, well, you know start actively trying) at 6 weeks PP.
Natural cycles suck. They do. I’ve been doing them lately, too. Sometimes I use an OPK, sometimes I don’t. I often have no clue what’s going on aside from the EWCM. This is one of those months. It just sucks.
And the fact that it gives some hope sucks too. I mean, I don’t do too well with hope. I find it does more harm than good.
Glad your body seems to be getting back to normal, though.
*hugs*
Heart you, Nat.
I never had any luck with those opk things. I gave up on them. I don’t think that I ever had a true positive. So frustrating. And I know that it took my body quite a while to get back to ‘normal’ after delivery. Try to be patient with you body. It will get back in time.