One of the things I’ve learned from my loss is not to worry so much about what may happen in the future. I know that seems counter-intuitive – it seems more likely that I’d worry more about things that could happen, now that I know what really can go wrong. But instead I find my internal dialog tossing out worthless worrying. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring; I don’t know if what I am worrying about is even going to happen; and quite frankly I am wasting the time that I do have with worrying over the future.

I caught myself doing it today, thinking about my pregnant SIL. I was driving out to a bar to meet with hubby and some of our friends and relatives, and of course my mind started to wander as it tends to when thinking about my SIL. Very quickly I was picturing her with a baby and found my body and mind clenched, all these “what if”s running through my head. But I gave a good mental shake.

It’s not that I shouldn’t feel bad about the situation. It sucks, it’s going to suck, and there’s nothing much I can do about that. My son is gone. Her baby will always be a reminder of what I don’t have. But at the same time, that’s all it is – a reminder. Her having a baby or not does not and will not ever change the fact that my son is gone.

But despite all that, actually being around her isn’t hard. It’s the anticipation of being around her that is hard – and imagining the future even harder. So I really have to remind myself to take a step back and tackle each day one at a time. I really just don’t have the mental capacity to worry about all the days that will come later, all I have in me is worrying about today, and today isn’t so bad. Tomorrow I’ll worry about tomorrow, and it probably won’t be so bad either. Taking one day at a time makes life manageable. I find that worrying is one area that procrastination isn’t just beneficial, it’s required.

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So yes, I hung out with several of my BILs and SILs today. (Okay, so one SIL and one future-SIL, but I get tired of typing all of that out!) It was good to just be social and have a couple of drinks and spend time out with my husband.

FSIL, whom I haven’t seen too many times recently, came over to talk to me for a little bit. She told me how utterly brave I was to go to SIL’s baby shower, and how she thinks I’m amazing and just so strong. I think what gets me is her blunt honesty. She comes right out and says things like, “I want to ___, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” She doesn’t hang back and fret – she marches right up to me and gives me a big hug and tells me how she’s feeling. And that’s so awesome. I know without a doubt how much she cares, that she thinks about us.

I mentioned to Den at one point how much I love pregnant SIL’s belly (she’s around 38 weeks now) and how sometimes I wish I could reach out and touch it… but that I know pregnant women don’t exactly always appreciate that. So of course my husband, being slightly intoxicated, marched over to SIL and said, “Natalie wants to touch your belly, but doesn’t want to ask.” Oi. But SIL said it was perfectly okay, so I got to feel it. (That sounds dirty.) Later she motioned to me when baby H was moving around and I got to feel a kick!! That was so cool. She apparently has her little feet up in SIL’s ribs just like Devin did, hehe. A couple of times I glanced over to see SIL gingerly shifting her weight and I grinned remembering exactly how that felt. Maybe that’s part of the reason that I feel so connected to her – you’d think I’d want to run far away from any reminders, but I guess it’s similar to the scrapbooking I do, and all the momentos I keep out – reminders of Devin aren’t necessarily bad things. I love being able to say, “Oh yeah, Devin did that all the time.” And I’m so so glad that I can do that with family and it doesn’t cause conversation to drop off in uncomfortable silence. Everyone treats Devin as part of the family… not something to be uncomfortable about.

Not that it’s always pleasant or easy. I was talking to BIL about the cradle they have and how important traditions and family heirlooms are… how a family tree is the history of a family and a part of who you are, that connection to the past. I mentioned how important it was to add Devin to my family tree, that he be a part of our history forever. BIL choked up and said, “He absolutely is. He was your beautiful, beautiful baby boy.” Which of course got me choked up too.

I am so damn thankful for the family that we have. I really am.