Everything is different now. But it feels like not only did the train come off the tracks, it was put back on the wrong one and is hurtling in a totally different direction. I think a lot of it is that it’s too painful to go back to the old life. I find myself thinking a lot about starting my career, getting back into programming, and keeping busy with my life. I felt a lot like the old me, the college me… getting excited by coding problems, unable to walk away from the computer until it’s fixed (we’re talking hours at a time). It feels pretty good to rouse the rusty corners of my brain. Oh yeah, I remember how to do this.

I’ve started a new strategy: waking up at 7am every morning, whether or not I have to (and I only have to once a week). It’s really amazing how much longer your day feels when you’re up in the morning and don’t sleep until noon. I find myself looking for things to keep occupied with. Today I went to work at 11 and stayed until 6, sorting paperwork and coding for their database.

For the first time I am seriously applying for a full-time job. I’ve never had a full-time one before. I was a full-time student, then an immigrant, then just waiting for a baby to arrive (before and during pregnancy) so I could be a full-time mommy. Now I’m faced with way too much time and a need to make something of my life. It’s not too surprizing that I’ve turned back to what I do best. It’s something that I get a sense of pride from, a sense of purpose. I need that.

I have absolutely no idea if I’m even going to be called in for an interview for this job, though. Other people tell me I will, I’m good at what I do… and I know that… but the resume isn’t about being good at what you do, it’s about being good at writing resumes, and that’s not exactly something I have a lot of experience with. And my mom’s exclamation of “But you write so well!” only goes so far in technical writing – it’s a different game entirely. The rules are all different. I had a minor freakout this morning as I was printing my resume and cover letter out (on high-quality resume paper, crisp and white). No matter how confident I feel about what I wrote, when my hand reaches for that print button I am struck by an overwhelming feeling that it’s all wrong. So I spazzed for a while, fretted, then printed – several times, since the printer kept smudging a tiny bit. And then printed several more times because I screwed up my signature. Den said they’re not going to be grading my signature. I replied, “But I just crossed my L!” But I got it all very carefully put together (in a pristine white full-size envelope) and got it in the mail. And then proceeded to have another bout of fretting over it all. But there’s nothing more I can do now, so I have to let it go.

::

This weekend is bound to be hard for many of us. I am steadfastly refusing to look at any ad on billboards or TV or listen to any on the radio. I turn my head, I turn the station. I distract myself. It does not exist, it does not exist. I will not be sending a card to my mom or my MIL. I will not be making a phone call. I will not be thinking about it at all. I refuse. Every time it’s mentioned I flinch.

So we’re going to Las Vegas. No, seriously, we’re going to Vegas this weekend. A little while back Den said to me out of the blue, “What do you think about going to Vegas for [day that shall not be named]? I don’t want you to be at home.” I was in no position to argue. I don’t want to be home either. We’re going to see Cirque du Soleil, which is like one of those things that has been on my “to do before I die” list for years, and we’re going to walk around and I’m going to take a lot of pictures. I’m as excited as I could be, given the circumstances. Looking forward to our time away together. We leave on Sunday morning.

I just hope I can get out of this funk by then. I’ve been right moody lately… and not in a sad way. More of a tap your fingers one more time and I’m going to bite your hand off kind of way. Fun. (Especially for Den!)