I feel like life isn’t all about babies anymore. It’s very strange, in a way. I’ve been all about babies since around the time that we started TTC (end of 2005) – especially when we hit infertility treatments, and then pregnancy. My life was all about that. Every day was thinking about the next appointment, the next procedure. The am I pregnant, am I not pregnant? Boy or girl? Baby gear lists and shower planning and waiting for labor.

Now it’s… not. I thought I had fallen back into the TTC mode again, but the more time elapses the less I think about that too. Part of it is because it hurts too much to think about babies in any capacity. Even when I was TTC I was already planning what kind of baby’s room I’d have, and what strollers I liked. Now thinking about baby gear isn’t just a thought of times to come but also a reminder of times past. It’s no longer such a fun daydream… it tends to spark nightmares. I haven’t been reading the journals of friends who are pregnant or have babies, so I’m getting a good daily reminder of other fun things in life. Other topics, other conversations. In some ways it’s like taking a breath of fresh air.

My period has yet to arrive. And yet… I am not particularly bothered by this. I make a mental note of it every few days. Sometimes the thought rises unbidden in to my mind: maybe I’m pregnant right now? And then I laugh and tell myself that’s just stupid-thought and it’s a road I really really do not need to go down right now. So I drop it. I figure at some point it’ll probably become important enough for me to take a pregnancy test… maybe in two weeks, three, four. But right now I’m satisfied to just let my body take time to recoup and get back on track. I’m not concerned. Ovulation was never my issue. It’ll happen sooner or later.

I think part of the reason I am so relaxed about it is that I’m not sure it would be ideal for me to get pregnant before even having a period. I wouldn’t have a clue when I was due, though it would be January or sooner (which is not ideal in my book). And to be honest I’m a little scared about having to deal with the anxiety that will come along with it. But we are not willing to “take a break” and potentially waste the one month were it might have worked. If I do get pregnant it will be a huge blessing and I’ll probably freak out with joy. But I think part of that “it’s not ideal” mindset is me convincing myself that it’s okay not to get pregnant – to cushion the inevitable blow.

I don’t know if I’m particularly ready for either happening, my period or pregnancy. So right now I’m okay with just drifting in ignorance.

Today I wore my pre-pregnancy jeans. Buttoned. And they didn’t feel horrible. In fact I felt incredibly sexy and just so pleased with myself. I still do not look like I did pre-pregnancy – ewww, pudge that overhangs my jeans, not sexy – but the fact that I fit in them now when I didn’t a couple of weeks ago is certainly a reassuring sign.

I need to work harder to get rid of this pudge and extra weight… but I still have this stupid cold, and it makes it difficult to breathe.

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My latest project has been resume-writing. Yes… I am looking for a job. It was going to be very tight after Devin was born, but I was willing to sacrifice things in order to be a stay-at-home-mom. Now that’s off the table for the time being and I’m left with a lot of time on my hands and a need to re-define my life. Den and I have had some long discussions about it and talked about how much of our debts (car loans, student loan) we could pay off if I worked even just for a year. Our budget is almost entirely balanced by Den’s income (what little I make is just enough to get us through) – anything I make can go directly to fun things or to paying off debts to make our life easier when I do get to be a stay-at-home-mom.

Of course, “writing a resume” sounds easy, but I have spent the last 3 days practically bashing my head against a wall. Very stressful. And it’s not like I’ll be devastated if I don’t get this job – even though it sounds like the perfect job for me – but if I don’t get it I don’t want it to be because I totally screwed up my resume.

I am scared if it does work out and I get this job, but I’m really trying not to stress out about things that may not happen… I may not get considered at all. So I’ll just submit my resume and see what comes of it, and deal with the rest later. It’s kind of a relief to have it taken out of my hands once the resume is in the mail.

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I’ve been having a lot of gas issues since giving birth… well, before then, actually. But now everything is settling in my abdomen to where they used to be and it feels totally different. Lately I’ve been having little gas bubbles that, for a tiny split-second, make me think it’s little baby kicks and cause me to freeze.