One More Crappy Thing
Yesterday was somewhat of a disaster. We were out for the evening, a night with family to watch a band play, and, as they say, all roads lead to rome. In this case “rome” was me sitting in the hallway, crying. In some ways it’s fairly inevitable. I was just thinking about Devin a lot and feeling a little “off.” I just haven’t been doing so well lately without my numbness. It’s so hard to enjoy other things in life when you have this huge weight sitting on your chest.
But what really got me was the unfortunate event of Den losing his wedding band last night. Like I said to MIL afterwards, it’s not like I blame him, and it’s just a band, it’s not really that big a deal… but on top of everything else I just feel like I can’t take any more in my life. I was just sitting there as everyone looked for it thinking, you have to be effing kidding me. This, too?
Thankfully the ring was found by the end of the night, but not after I gave in to a meltdown. In fact, it was me giving in to my meltdown that ended up leading to the return of the ring. I picked a corner of the hallway to sink into a tall wing-back chair and hope no one really noticed me. Den ended up coming to get me (though not before sending SIL to the bathroom, “violating every woman in there,” in her words, to try to find me). It was there as I was looking at Den crouching beside my chair, my vision blurred with tears as I tried to compose myself, that I saw the ring laying in the middle of the hallway behind him.
Last night I was having a really hard time with not being pregnant. It occurs to me that I would probably feel this way even if Devin were here… I miss being pregnant so very, very much. I loved being pregnant. I loved going out with my big belly, I loved people commenting, asking about the baby… I really did feel that glow people mention, I felt just so so very happy in my body. I miss that just as much as anything else. The loss of Devin just makes it so much worse, because I have nothing to make up for that loss of pregnancy. Maybe it’s good, in the grand scheme of things, that I can’t get pregnant easily.
I am attempting to go to this baby shower today. I have no idea how it’s going to go. If I end up getting upset I am just leaving. But there’s a chance I could be okay. So we’ll see. It’s easier if I focus on the fact that I will be pregnant again…. maybe soon. That keeps me going.
Oh, Natalie. That sounds very very upsetting. I am glad the ring was found, but I completely understand how the loss of it was the last straw.
Best of luck with the shower today. Please, please, please be gentle with yourself. It’s completely ok to leave even five minutes after you arrive if you have to.
Yes, you will be pregnant again one day. That, being pregnant with a new and different baby, won’t be without its challenges, but that is ok– a different kettle of fish for a different day.
Light, I’d throw a complete hissyfit if Arno would loose his weddingband … I can imagine it being like the final straw in this situation :(
I hope things will be alright today at the baby shower – like Julia said, be gentle with yourself *hug*
Nat, I’m so sorry. I’m just so damn sorry.
Wishes for the baby shower – hope it will not be awful as you fear.
I am glad the ring was found. I understand. Sometimes something small and insignificant can be just more overwhelming than we can take when so phenomenally overwhelmed already.
I totally understand how sometimes something that normally wouldn’t be a HUGE deal can be the final straw that pushes you over the edge, especially with all you are dealing with emotionally. I give you a lot of credit for going to the shower today, but I really hope you leave (left?) if it was too hard for you. Above all else, please take care of yourself.
I developed some weird ring rot thing on my fingers under my engagement ring right after Maddy died. And I couldn’t wear my ring and remember thinking the same thing — it’s just an effin’ ring, but it’s one more thing. One more significance. One more sign of love that I can’t see. (It’s fine now, btw.)
I’m really sorry, those evenings where it all hits you are so rough. Go easy on yourself with the shower, that’s going to be tough.