To Be A Buddha
I stumbled across buddhaweb today. The four noble truths of Buddhism:
1. Suffering exists
2. Suffering arises from attachment to desires
3. Suffering ceases when attachment to desire ceases
4. Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the Eightfold Path
That resonated with me: Suffering arises from attachment to desires. We grow attached to this idea of a baby, all through a pregnancy this attachment grows. The future lays out before us and it worms its way into our hearts. We make plans for this child, we wonder what he will grow up to do, to be. We plan our life around what will be, not what is.
And then it is all gone. And we suffer, because everything we thought we had, everything we planned, everything we desired… is gone.
::
– Montaigne
Yesterday wasn’t a bad day. I was productive, I was active. But I realized I still can’t view anything baby… reading friends’ journals about babies makes me feel panicky. Every time there was a spare moment, a silence, my mind drifted right back to Devin. And it hurt.
I realized the bubble is gone… that lovely bubble of numbness that I’ve been walking around in. It’s no longer there. Now instead of feeling numb I feel this constant ache.
Others have said that it gets worse before it gets better. I guess they’re right.
the other part of that is that suffering is inevitable. how can we not have attachment to love? it’s what makes us human. ~luna
I have decided for myself that grief is the flip side of love. We grieve this much because we love them this much. And attachment is part of love. But they were no longer desires, they were real, they were. And so we love, and we hurt.
That Montaigne wasn’t kidding.
I also subscribe to the theory that in the first few weeks of this grief thing we’re still all hopped up on hormones and adrenaline and once that leaves we really hurdle towards earth in a hurry. I’m so sorry.
I love Buddhism for ideas like that.
And I’m sorry that you’re aching. I’m so sorry.
The suffering cannot be avoided any more than the attachment to the desire. Like Julie said in her comment above attachment is part of love. I loved my twins before we ever conceived them. How could I not? Then when one was taken it hurt. I ached. I was attached to him and pulled him close to me and his death pulled him away from me. Hence the struggle.