When the little things mean far too much
Today is going to be a rough day. Why do I know this? Because I am about two seconds away from an utter meltdown.
It’s the tree, Devin’s tree. I went out to look at it again – the bloom has opened up – and it looks nothing like the typical cherry blossom bloom that I expected/wanted. I am irrationally angry and upset by this. We picked out a cherry tree, I wanted a cherry tree, the kind with those gorgeous pink and white blooms. But Den insisted he wanted a fruit bearing tree, it was important to him so that’s what we went with. We tried hard to find out what it would look like in bloom, but we couldn’t find even ONE photo of a Danube cherry tree in bloom. Nothing. Den tried reassuring me, but damnit I should have thrown on the brakes right there. We ended up picking out out a cherry tree based on the type of fruit it gives, its shape and the color of its bark. And now, now it’s blooming and it doesn’t look right. This is not the tree I expected. I’ve been so freaking excited and pleased with this tree until that bloom opened, and then it was like a slap in the face. I’m practically hysterical and I just want to yell at Den for getting the wrong goddamn tree.
And now there’s nothing we can do about it!!! This tree has been bought and planted. It’s Devin’s tree, it has been for weeks now. We can’t take it down or replace it. We can’t plant a new one. This is his tree now. And for the rest of my life I have to look at the wrong damn blooms!
Insult on top of injury…. I don’t have my son and now I don’t even have the right freaking tree. I am so damn angry right now there are no words. I just want to crawl into bed and bawl for a good long time, but I have to go to work.
Hey sweetie. From what I can find, the Danube tree is a species of Prunus Ceratus, the tart cherry tree. They usually bloom white.
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Prunus_cerasus_LC0017.jpg
They bloom in an abundance of flowers too … much like the pink sakura:
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Vi%C5%A1e%C5%88.jpg
I actually think they are very pretty, but I can imagine you being very upset when they tree doesn’t seem to be what you wanted. I’m sorry :(
I’m so sorry. Maybe plant a little tree nearby? Because don’t fruit trees need other treeds for cross polination. Or something. I’m pulling this out of my butt, but it’ssomething like that.
Sorry.
Hugs – I’m sorry about the tree. I’m sorry about your little boy Devin. I’m sorry that so much in life ends up being not what we wanted.
I really wish there were other words other than “I’m sorry” – because those words really suck sometimes.
Wishing you better days to come.
I’m so sorry about the tree, Nat. It seems like nothing is turning out the way you hoped and I wish something would go F-ING right. XOXO
I am so sorry (again with that useless word). That really sucks, especially when you had your heart set on a certain type of tree. I wish I had something to say to comfort you.
I do think the white blooms are quite lovely, and white is such a fresh innocent color. Your son was such a precious fresh innocent soul…I think its kind of fitting?
(HUGS)
Hey,
You can actually dig the tree up and buy another one. And if you give me a rough idea of where you live (North or South side of what state) I will dig into my reference materials and I will find a cherry tree that blooms white and has cherries. I know they exist in Alberta, and if we can get them to bloom here, they can bloom and grow anywhere.
And I’m sorry – it’s frustrating when something that seems like it should be so small is not at all small and is very important and is just not going right. I’m having this vision from Alice in Wonderland – where the minions are painting all the roses red, because they grew white. I’d come and paint the flowers for you . . .
Hang in there.
Oh sweetie. I actually do understand (to a lesser degree of course), and I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry.
Nothing ever goes the way it should, does it.
i dont want to make it seem like i am not taking your being upset not seriously, i would be the SAME WAY, i guarantee it, but it struck me as kind of ….. serendipitous. because your tree is acting much as a child would.
rebelling, being their own person, not always in line with what we want or hopped.
i dont know, i hope that thought doesnt make you more sad or angry, just a different perspective , perhaps
I totally understand. I like the idea already offered of a second tree. :)
*hugs*
I’d totally react the same way! I’m trying to find pictures of the tree as well, with no luck. If I come across a picture of a bloom, I’ll let you know!
i am so sorry and I would have reacted the same way – the only comforting story I have to share is that when my little brother passed away we planted an apple tree in the backyard “The Tyler Tree” and we pick apples and bake every summer as one of the many ways to remember him.
Oh crap. Can nothing go right? So sorry Nat.
Hi, I found your blog through another “infertility blog”, and have been lurking for about a month or so. I am so so sorry for your loss…I can only imagine how hard things have been for you, I too lost my first pregnancy (in the first trimester)…I still think about who that baby would have been, why I lost it, etc…….I never thought I would have another chance…but I miraculously had my son who is now almost 3 (following a difficult pregnancy with a few scares along the way). I have been TTC # 2 now with no luck. Anyway, although it may not be exactly fitting, there is a poem that I used to give mothers I worked with (I am a social worker) who had just learned that their child had a severe disability. It is called Welcome to Holland. (you can google it and it will come up). And while the circumstances are not exactly fitting, I hope it can give you some comfort. As for the tree, it will be beautiful and unique, just as Devin was. And I believe that you will grow to love and cherish that tree even though it is not the way you planned it to be. It is almost like some sort of message from your little guy. He is truly special. I know some day (hopefully soon), you will have a healthy baby that you can raise and grow with, and you will one day tell him/her about that special tree, Devin’s tree, the unexpected but beautiful, much loved and accepted tree.
I truly wish you and Den all the best.
Oh Nat, Im so sorry. You know, maybe because Devin was a boy he really would rather a tree with white flowers rather than pink! Just another way to look at it.
Im so sorry. I know you are probably feeling sick about it.
I actually have 2 cherry blossom trees (potted) and they have they pink blossom. Very girly. i think the white will be beautiful. I know its not what you wanted but i really dont know what else to say.
We never planted Zak’s tree because i would have trouble moving and leaving it behind.
Hugs
xxx
In a way it’s fitting… the tree isn’t what you expected/wanted and your pregnancy wasn’t what you expected/wanted. It’s actually quite wonderful if you think about it… everything comes full circle…