Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

A rock in the stream

April 4, 2008 — 11:55 pm

In regards to anxiety and medication: I am currently on celexa for my depression, but that may need to be adjusted (though I don’t think it does, as the depression is in check) or another medication added. Despite being medicated for 6 years now I am really not a fan of medication unless it’s really necessary… managing my depression is most definitely necessary, there is a hormonal imbalance in my body. This anxiety (if it is anxiety) is due to circumstance, not a brain short-circuit. I realy wonder if medicating would be any more than a stop-gap measure to get me through. So if possible I would like to find ways of dealing with the stress. Exercise, heathy eating, yoga, meditation… I don’t know. I’ll try some things.

It’s really kind of weird if this all really is some form of anxiety. My depression is not just depression… it has a lot of different aspects to it, and one of them is anxiety. When I’m not on my medication I get really anxious about things being “right” or “not right” and feeling like the universe is out of alignment, in a manner of speaking. Everything upsets me and makes me anxious, which leads to feeling depressed. I also used to have panic attacks, though they were infrequent.

But this? Whatever this is, it’s nothing like what I’m used to. Anxiety, to me, is a mental/emotional thing… and I don’t have that. I have a deep, deep sadness… sorrow… grief. But no panic. No typical anxiety or depression. Whatever this is is coming out purely in physical symptoms.

Tomorrow is my due date. Saturday was always the start of a new week. I haven’t really been thinking much about that (maybe just intentionally not thinking about it) but I’m sitting here tonight wondering if that’s part of what’s getting to me, why everything is bad right now. I’m not conciously thinking about it, but I wonder if it’s sitting in my subconcious. I’ll see if things get better after this weekend, then figure out what I want to do about it if it doesn’t.

::

Tonight was dinner with friends. It went… okay.

I decided last-minute to get some mudslides to drink while there. They tasted good and I ended up drinking four of them in very short order. On purpose. And to be fair, for a while there I felt a little hazy in a good way, like things didn’t matter so much. (Before that I had felt just too serious for the conversations that were going on… I don’t know, just a little antisocial.) So that was good. Food was excellent.

But then it went bad. I went to the bathroom upstairs and on the way back down I just stopped in the stairwell. The sounds of conversation and laughter from the kitchen just seemed so very very wrong to my ears. It had been an evening without Devin being mentioned (though to be fair no one had mentioned SIL’s pregnancy either, so it’s not like Devin was being specifically ignored) and at that moment it all just felt so very wrong. Life shouldn’t just be going on like normal while I hurt so very much inside. I did go back into the kitchen, but my stomach started feeling unwell so I went back up to the bathroom, thinking I might be sick. Instead I ended up sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor, bawling. Den came looking for me and found me there. He sat with me for a while, gathered me against his chest as I cried it out.

The rest of the evening was fine. I felt better after I had cried. Better… but still felt withdrawn and quiet. Conversation went on. Someone asked how I was doing, I said simply, “Not good.” Some sympathetic words were said. It helped a little.

Days like today I just really wonder if I’m ever going to be able to find true joy again. I feel a lot of things… great, deep love for my husband… amusement at my pets… thankfulness for my friends. But will I ever feel joy again? Pure, unmitigated joy, without the cut of sorrow through it? My heart feels so heavy I don’t know if it will ever be able to fully pick itself off the ground.

16 responses to “A rock in the stream”

  1. Jodi says:

    Natalie – I just wanted to send you a ((((hug)))).

  2. JuliaS says:

    Hugs Natalie.

  3. Beck says:

    I so so wish I could make it better. (((hugs)))

  4. Jess says:

    *hugs*

  5. tash says:

    Natalie, fwiw, the anxiety eventually took over my depression. Not only was I anxious about my living family, anxious about talking to people, but I lost my short term memory between the shock and antidepressants, and I became *extremely* anxious about that. My brain just wouldn’t roll like it used to, and it would freak. me. out. I actually toyed with dropping the AD and going on some anti-anxiety, but things actually improved for me after dropping the AD. But that was also 8 months after the event. I guess what I’m trying to say is: anxiety, though awful, is “normal” in this instance, and I’m willing to bet if it gets worse for you, they can play with whatever you’re already on to make it better. It will go away (with the teeth grinding), believe me. It just takes time, and I know you hate to hear that. I wish I could speed it up for you. Just wanted to know you’re not alone, here. It’s really a kick in the gut to know that everyone’s life goes on while yours has frozen over.

  6. Beth says:

    Just wrapping my arms around you in a hug… Sometimes the world SHOULD stop, I know… :(

  7. Becky says:

    I don’t think you’re ever “the same” after you suffer such a horrendous loss, and you’ll always carry that with you, but I imagine that over time you will feel joy again. Maybe not the same joy that you felt before, but it will still be joy.

    I’m sorry, Natalie, I wish there was some fast-forward button through all of this grief and grieving. Sometimes, it just sucks.

    *hugs*

  8. Lianne says:

    I am so so sorry for you.
    xxx

  9. sharah says:

    Thinking of you today…

  10. Julia says:

    For me, anxiety was generalized, and sometimes physical too. But I learned, after a while, that if I could just figure out the cause, I can make it better, will it under control. I know it’s not the general experience, but it was mine. It took many months for anxiety to get significantly better, probably at least six months. Not in the sense that I was anxious all the time, but in the sense that it happened often enough and was strong enough to consider it an ongoing part of my experience. Maybe you are feeling anxious about the due date now, and maybe having named it, it will get better. Or maybe it will get a bit better after the date passes.

    The feeling of everyone’s life going on while yours stopped and changed in this hugely fundamental way– it used to torment me, occupy my thoughts all the time. I would go somewhere I had gone before, see some of the same people, going on with their life and their business, and I would be so crushed that for them A never existed, that they didn’t even know.

  11. Katie says:

    I hope the world stops for you, today, just a little bit. Sending love and hope and prayers for you, for Den, for Devin. I hope planting the tree brings you some peace. After planting the garden in honor of the due date of my last loss, I lit a candle and sat in the darkness until the flame died. It was beautiful, it was peaceful, it seemed so sad. But I am glad that we have a beautiful place to counteract all of the sadness.

    My heart is with you today.

  12. Searching says:

    Thinking about you today and sending some prayers.

  13. Cynthia says:

    Natalie, There is a forum to which I belong and back in March someone posted this site…I keep reading but never have the guts to just say hi…I have been reading since that day and I feel for you…I can’t even imagine. I wish it were all a bad dream for you…I really feel for you and Den as well as your precious little one Devin…whom by the way is sooo gorgeous…You continue to amaze me and I try and empathize with this situation by myself and I can’t even begin…I know it sounds really depressing but you are a strong woman…Thank you for sharing your story…I hope you get everything you deserve…I know there is nothing that anyone can say or do to make things…life…okay but I sincerly hope you get everything you ever want and need from this point on…

    You are constantly in my thoughts…Best of luck hun..***many, many, many hugs*

    Cynthia

    P.S I have shared this link with a few people I know and they too share their condolences…

    P.S.S Could those stomach pains infact be afterpains? I know I got them for 12 weeks after having my son…It started off like contractions(couldn’t move sort of thing) but soon felt just like hunger pains…

  14. Kristen says:

    You, Den and Devin are in my thoughts today. XOXO

  15. Claire says:

    I know this is an old post, but I was reading backwards tonight and saw the note about Celexa. Wanted to mention to you that when I was on Celexa, it caused me to teeth clench/grind at night, which I had never done before. May not be relevant anymore, but thought it might be helpful if you ever have problems with your teeth again.