Across The World
My mom arrived today and it has been good.
At one point she brought out something and said, “I really don’t know if I should give this to you…” She looked so torn. It was a scrapbook of my pregnancy that she had been working on all the way through. She said she didn’t get the last couple photos in it, she couldn’t bring herself to do it now (at least not yet). So we both cried as I looked through it. Oh how happy memories can hurt so much.
So then we just sat and talked…. babies and friends and labor and pregnancy and even a little religion.
She told me all about all the people – some I know, some I don’t – who send their condolences and prayers. This has been such a hugely far-reaching tragedy. I am most impressed by how very deeply people react. Mom says people I don’t even know, like my parents’ neighbors and women in my mom’s social groups, are crying when she tells them the news. I feel like the entire world is weeping for us – more people than I ever could have imagined.
Everyone I talk to about Devin has mentioned that, by talking about Devin to others, they are finding more and more people who have suffered through a similar thing. Everyone seems shocked at how often it happens, and at how many people they know have had a baby die. My mom said a neighbor, after finding out about our loss, insisted mom come inside and sit down for a drink, and told mom she had lost a child in stillbirth. An older woman my mom has known since childhood shared that she had two third-trimester losses before they had their living daughter. It leaves everyone feeling a little stunned, I think… realizing that this really happens to people they know.
I am just so glad that these women share their stories. I think it’s helped my mom a little bit to know that others have gone through this too… I know it helps me. And, just like with infertility, the more that people hear about it the better they will understand when they run across it…. the more compassion and insight they will have. I can’t help but think about 20 years ago when no one mentioned it, when it was swept under the rug. I think about how very aweful it must have felt to have such a huge loss ignored… how very alone they must have felt.
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I am still dealing with jaw/teeth issues. I have been feeling it in my actual jaw rather than my teeth, though my teeth still hurt. I can feel how tight it all is, I keep massaging the area and fake-yawning in an effort to get it to relax. I am carrying SO much tension and I don’t really know how to get it to release.
My stomach is still bothering me. It honestly feels just like when you go far too long without eating… when you are so hungry it physically hurts. It’s the whole area above my belly button and below my ribs. Except this doen’t go away when I eat. It’s being problematic, because I keep eating in an effort to feel better. It’s my knee-jerk reaction, to wander into the kitchen and eat something. But eating isn’t all that easy either… things just don’t sit well and the aching in my stomach continues, combined with the food I just ate, and it makes me feel a little bit like puking. So yeah, I’m starting to think the idea of it being “simply” stress is a pretty good one.
Another strange occurrence: one morning when I was still in bed I could feel my heart start thumping. It didn’t speed up, it actually seemed to slow down… but it was like I could feel each pulse shake my chest. Thump…….. thump……… thump.
I remarked to Den today that it’s not really surprizing that I am having so many different body/health issues. I am normally such a healthy person – I really don’t get sick very often – but everything is so strained right now, all this emotional weight I’ve been carrying… I am not surprized it’s manifesting itself in strange ways.
The scrapbook sounds awesome. What a sweet thing for your Mom to do. I have found that people have crawled out of the woodwork with stories of dead babies since I lost Hannah. It does make you feel a little less alone. Hope you feel better soon.
The scrapbook seems so beautiful. It was/is very sweet of your mother to do this for you.
I too have found more and more women telling me about their loss(es). The unexpected thing was having one of our neighbours (a man) tell us about his wife’s and daughter’s losses.
I’m still praying for you all *hugs*
Your mother sounds wonderful. I’m glad she’s a good source of support and love. Feel free to throw something at me (duck) because I would’ve done the same, but is there any form of physical activity you feel up to? Even just walking is so good for circulation, getting your brain thinking about coordinating body parts other than your jaw. If you don’t feel like going to a class (I know I wouldn’t) there are some good yoga DVDs. And if you can muster it, running produces endorphins which relax your whole system. On the short side there’s always muscle relaxants before bed. Mine eventually went away (although like I said, it creeps up at holidays). Continuing to think of you.
Tash – I’ve been walking some days (but not all, I get lazy) and mom and I are planning on walking daily while she’s here. I need to find something else to add to it, whether it’s some sort of DVD or something, because I do want to ease into exercising to lose this weight!
Your mom sounds great. I am glad she is there for you now. Even though you don’t consciously feel that the due date is a big deal, it may be manifesting in your body going out of whack more. What with seeing all the babies due at the same time as Devin be born, and with making arrangements to plant his tree…
I agree with Tash (there’s a shocker, I know)– finding physical outlet is a good idea. If you have little hand weights you can add to your walking routine, that can be a good start. For DVDs that get you going and leave you completely wrung out (which I find to be good once in a while), I like The Firm series. You would need a bit of equipment, but I found it worth getting. Costco sometimes has some of their DVDs, sometimes together with the main object they are using in that DVD.
I’ll bet you’re very glad your mom showed you the scrapbook. ; ) What a wonderful gift.
I’m agree with the others that stress is probably at the root of your jaw & stomach problems right now. Getting out for a walk every day really helps me in that respect! (((hugs)))
How sweet of your mom – the scrapbook made me cry just reading about it. I’m glad you two were able to talk about Devin.
I’m sorry about the physical toll the stress is taking on your body. Hopefully having your mom there can help ease some of it.
Peaceful wishes for this weekend.
It’s awesome that your mom could come visit for a while. What a treasure the scrapbook must be!
Just wanted to throw a couple thoughts out about your body’s aches and pains, I don’t mean this as assvice, just things that have helped me. :) Do you think it’s possible you have an ulcer from the stress that is causing your tummy problems? Also, I wonder if something like yoga or another visit to the chiropractor could help relieve some stress, at least in your back. Lastly, the thump, thump, thump of your heart could be dehydration. This happens to me a lot – at least once a week while I’m trying to fall asleep. I finally asked the doctor about it because it feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest, and he said it was probably dehydration and to make sure I’m getting enough water during the day but especially before I lie down.
I hope you have a peaceful weekend, surrounded by friends and family. You’re always in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo
I’ve had the problems you’ve described. The first was from stomach acid. There are OTC medications (ranitidine and the like) but you really should ask your doctor first.
You should also mention the second problem to your physician. In my case it was from the fluid/blood volume adjustments post partum. My pulse was slower and stronger (from no longer pumping all the extra blood, maybe?). I especially noticed when I stood up suddenly.
Thank you for sharing your story and helping those of us who’ve never lost a child understand (as much as we can understand anyhow). Best wishes to you!
Nat – you don’t know how deeply this has affected both myself and Dan. I read your blog everyday – sometimes more and I grieve quietly with you. I hurt for you – I feel for you. I may not note a lot – but it is often that I just don’t know what to say. But please know that you are in my heart always and forever as is your precious Devin and Den.
You are having classic symptoms of anxiety. You may need some pharmaceutical help for a little while. Talk to your doctor.
Sounds like anxiety to me, too. I’m so glad that you are finding comfort with your mother.
To continue exercise thoughts mentioned above… If you enjoy games, (you mentioned WoW) I recommend Dance Dance Revolution. Even if you don’t have a gaming system like a PS2 or Wii, they have stand-alone DDR systems.
It is VERY distracting, both physically and mentally! I had fun laughing at myself while trying to figure it out. Whenever the weather is nice I like gardening for activity, when its crappy I play DDR.
Whatever your choice, I hope the tension finds release!
I don’t know how much you believe in homeopathic treatment but…
have you tried acupuncture? I am a firm believer that Western medicine can’t solve everything. I have used Acupuncture from everything to headaches to stomach pains. It sounds like your body is out of sync.
May be worth a try!
It is terrible to think that so many other women have gone through this, but it is wonderful that you have their support and their love. You are absolutely right that hopefully, by telling your story, others will learn about pre-natal death and how (unfortunately) common it is. I am so impressed with your grace through this – I’ve suffered two early losses and I cannot begin to imagine the pain that comes with a stillbirth (after infertility, no less). You have such good people around you and I hope that they can continue to give you strength and love.
Delurking to say I agree with Karen B. and Becky. As a long time anxiety disorder-y person, I can tell you they’re right. All the symptoms fit. Please talk to any doctor for a referral to a good psychiatrist. Talk therapy may help, but there are good, non-addicting drugs that can help you through this period of your life.
Now, the personal. I don’t even remember how I found your blog, but I’ve read the entire thing beginning through now and was in tears about Devin. You write well and are so open with your feelings. Count me as another person who reads your word and thinks of you and your loss, knowing you’ll get through to the other side.
I’ve been reading your blog and feel so deeply sad for what has happened. It is such a tragedy and I also had no idea how (unfortunately) common this was.
I wanted to let you know that the jaw pain you’re experiencing seems to be the pain that can occur with possible teeth grinding or clenching of the teeth at night due to stress. I have this and familiar with it. You can ask your dentist to have a splint made for you which will help release the excess energy. Also, acupunture works really well. Especially when the acu needles are placed directly on the jaw and cheek area.
What a wonderful gift from your mom that you will cherish forever!
Just last week a woman lost her baby girl at 7 months pregnant. Her mother is a friend of our family and I know that their hearts are just so broken. So yes, it is shocking to hear how many lives a loss touches!!!
I wish I had answers for the body issues, but it is most likely all the stress. It’s making your hormones do a little dance and act a little crazy. You’re not a freak and you will feel normal again! Hopefully sooner than later!
I’m glad your mom is there. *hugs for the three of you*
I have teeth/jaw clenching sensitivity issues too. When it was at it’s worst my dentist told me to use wet heat on it to relax the muscles and sooth the nerves. I would wrap a damp face cloth around a hot water bottle and hold it against my face a couple times a day.