Post-partum is such a strange word
My body is returning to normal: zits. Sigh. I had such perfect skin in pregnancy, other than some oiliness in first tri. Now I have to remember to get back into the habit of using my Proactiv.
I want to get my body back before getting pregnant again. I am now at 152lbs, exactly 10lbs under what I was last week before giving birth. Another 12lbs to go to my initial goal. (If I reach it I’ll re-set the goal lower and keep going. But I’d be happy to just get back to 140, what I was beforehand.)
I really would have expected myself to not care what I look like at a time like this, but for some reason it’s the opposite…. it’s something I can control, something I can do to help me feel better about myself. So I’m going to try.
::
This morning was my check-up appointment at the Midwives, to make sure I was doing okay. I was planning on going alone, but last night and this morning I was feeling just so much anxiety about walking back in there that I asked Den to come with me. It was weird walking back into the hospital, passing the gift shop, remembering the last time we walked out those doors. Of course there was a laboring pregnant woman in the hallway… Den and I just held hands tighter as we passed.
As we walked past the midwife office on our way to the waiting room (they’re slightly separate, since the waiting room is also used for ultrasounds, NSTs, and other things) I noticed the midwife office door was wide open – it’s always closed. The receptionist at the desk looked up at us and said, “Natalie?” When I nodded they ushered us straight in, saying they didn’t want us sitting in the waiting room. They put us right in an exam room.
The midwife with whom I had the appointment today was the same midwife who delivered Devin, and I was glad to see her. I like her. There was no exam or anything today, I had thought they were going to check things out to make sure it was healing okay. But she just asked how I was feeling, physically and mentally. No issues, no concerns. She said we sound like we are dealing with everything fine emotionally. She booked me an appointment for about 5 weeks time (I forget the date, currently) for another check-in and told me that if we need anything at all we know how to contact them.
We also booked an appointment with an OB to go over bloodtest and autopsy results. In the hospital we had been told it would be in about 6 weeks, but the doctor wanted to wait another couple of weeks to make sure most of the results were back in. So we’ll see him on May 1. The good part is that the doctor we’ll be seeing is Dr M., someone who knows Den. I don’t remember if I ever mentioned him, but this doctor volunteers with the Guard, with Den. He’s an extremely, extremely nice guy, and he happens to be a big doctor at the hospital…. he’s the one in charge of the super high-risk patients. He was at the hospital last thursday and heard what happened and he came to visit us and talk to us. (Unfortunately it was in that one-hour period that I was drugged up, so I wasn’t too lucid at the time.) I was happy that he had come to see us, to talk to Den. And we are both very thankful that he is the doctor that we will talk to about all of this – we trust him, we like him, and we know if anyone can help us, he can. From what the midwife said he actually requested to be the one to see us.
The questions we had for the midwife revolved around a future pregnancy. We wanted to know what will happen next time, what will they do to keep our baby safe, to reassure us. Would we be considered high risk? She said that it depends on the test results of course – that how they respond would be dependent on if they find a cause for what happened or not. But, assuming it was just a freak accident (and most of them are), what they’ll do is increased monitoring in my third trimester with non-stress tests. I won’t be “high-risk” in the way that I’d need to be transferred to a high-risk doctor, I will still be able to seen by the Midwives. I didn’t ask for specifics, as I’ll worry about that later, but I am relieved to hear that they won’t be treating me like any other pregnant woman, that’s mainly what I wanted to know.
The more I think about it, the more I think I’m going to really panic all the way through my third tri next time. I’ll get through it somehow, but things are going to be very different. We will probably rent a doppler to use at least weekly. I will want frequent NSTs and ultrasounds (and hope they can do that). And if anything, ANYTHING seems “off” I will be driving into the hospital and refusing to leave. My entire perspective has changed.
Natalie,
I have just started reading your blog and I want you to know that my whole heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your & Den’s loss. Words can’t explain how you must feel, but know that you have touched lives all over, mine being one of them & I continue to pray for you. I completely agree with you about being so nervous in a future pregnancy. I miscarried very early, in no way as tramatic as what you are going through, but still difficult. I think that when I get pregnant again, I will be so scared to let my heart fully enjoy it.
Beth
Sadly, your perspective will probably change about a lot of things. But I commend you for even thinking about these things. I’m extremely impressed with your ability to vocalize these things — I was literally curled upon my couch for three months, and couldn’t even email. My trip back to the doctors was a nightmare. It’s nice to know it’s not always like that.
Post-partum is strange, isn’t it. I think it’s rather crappy of evolution not to have instilled in us some trigger that knows the baby is dead, so that the milk issue resolves itself quickly, and the weight comes off easily (perhaps in order to make ourselves ready to go through everything again?). But the hormones will swim around in you for quite some time. The weight was a constant reminder to myself that the baby wasn’t here. Still is.
My email is over on my “about page” — please feel free to use it if I can be of any further assistance in let-down, or anything else. It’s how I pay it forward, now that I’m here, and it’s my duty, and what makes me feel better. Thinking of you.
(((HUGS)))
I’m sorry you had to walk back into the hospital, but am so impressed with how sensitive the Midwife was.
I can only begin to imagine how different your future pregnancy will be. (But happy to hear that you and Den are thinking and talking about it.)
I think of you guys often.
*hugs*
I am glad your midwives were so thoughtful. And that the doctor in charge of the autopsy results is a compassionate human being you can trust. You’d think these things would be automatic, but sadly they are not. Our experience with our medical team was much like yours– compassionate and thorough. And even at the time I remember thinking how much worse it could be if people around us were insensitive boobs. Of course since then I have “met” many families who were in fact surrounded by complete and utter asses, and I feel so horrible for them. This is hard enough without adding unnecessary hurts in, you know?
Someone on a medhelp.org forum found your blog and posted the link in one of her journal entries. The night that I first sat and read your story my heart broke and I had to pinch back tears so I could continue to read. Reading your story was as if I was reading something *I* might have written 7 1/2 years ago. Our first son was stillborn, 37 wks 4 days. We had our regular ob appt on 8/2 and all was well…my 5 year old even got to do the doppler to find the heartbeat..it was perfect. 8/3 I went into labor…when I got to L & D, no heartbeat…nothing…I screamed at the doctors and nurses and anyone else to FIND THE DAMN HEARTBEAT, but it was no use. Our son was born still 8/4. In our case i happened to be cord strangulation. I was a deep funk for a long time. I can say that with time and with finding things to help you heal, such as your blog, it will get easier…it won’t ever go away but you come to accept it. I have since had 2 more children…both pregnancies I was monitored more frequently with NST’s and growth scans. Both were healthy and uneventful and I was blessed with another girl and a boy. I am now currently pregnant and my due date is 8/5…the day after my still born sons birthday. I’m still not sure how I feel about that. Please know that my heart goes out to you and your husband. I wish you all the best and will be glad when I can finally read that you’ve had a wonderful pregnancy and are taking your precious baby home with you. I think for me that’s the only thing that helped to seal the hole in my heart…not completely but now it’s just a hairline crack instead of a gaping hole.
I normally just read your blog and not post. But on MLW I’m lurking and posting off and on. But again you and Den are such loving, kind, and wonderful people. You guys were truly meant for one another in everyway. And Devin was so blessed to have parents like you two and vise versa.
((HUGS))
Sounds like you have a wonderful group of support with your doctor and Midwife. I completely understand about your anxiety for the appointment and needing your husband there.
My friend, Cassie, wrote a few posts up about her story. Please take comfort in her words and know that having another baby is most likely not an impossibility.