Mind and Body
Most of what is going on is in the emotional realm. Some of it, however, is still happening within my own body.
I was warned that my milk would come in 2-3 days later and recommended that I wear a tight sports bra and tuck cabbage leaves in it to encourage my milk to dry up. So on the way home from the hospital we stopped at Walmart to buy me a simple sports bra. (I did not own one.) We did not, however, purchase any cabbage.
It was exactly two days after birthing Devin that my milk came in. Saturday evening over the course of several hours I felt things tingling and aching a little. Next thing I know I have rock-hard breasts that hurt like hell. “Engorged” is such a fitting word. I spent that entire night stuck laying on my back, because I couldn’t even sleep on my side without something pressing against my very tender boobs. And they seemed so huge! It’s like someone took my regular boobs and then stuffed them full-to-bursting. They ached, they itched. They drove me crazy. (I hear so many first-timers worrying about how bad their vaginal area is going to hurt after giving birth. Now it’s quite possible it’s different for everyone, but for me the boobage hurts WAY more than anything else.)
I did send Den to the store to buy cabbage. He was gone quite a long time, and I was wondering where the hell he went. Finally he came home and announced that he’d gotten cabbage… and bok choi. “Don’t ask,” he said with a sigh. Apparently he had no idea what cabbage looked like and ended up finding out at the register that he had just bought me bok choi. He had to go back and ask another customer which one of the many green leafy things was cabbage!
Some hours I don’t notice much at all… other hours they just keep tingling in a very unpleasant kind of way. They are leaking only a tiny bit – as long as I wear my tight bra. I found out the hard way that switching to a looser bra (a normal, far more comfortable bra) just caused me to leak all over. I really really wish I could wear a loose bra, this is just so freaking uncomfortable.
I can’t say that anything has really helped. Ice pack helped a little bit, but very short-term. Cabbage didn’t seem to do much of anything. Midol or tylenol doesn’t seem to do anything at all. I spend a lot of time fighting the urge to scratch… they are SO itchy. Sometimes they seem to tingle and itch at the same time… frequently that is linked to actual leaking, so some kind of let-down. I am just not fond of the random, strong aches that seem to hit for no reason while I’m just sitting here.
It has now been four days of sore, itchy boobs. I am really hoping this ends soon. And yet… I told Den today that I think I’ll be sad when my milk goes away. Not an expected emotional response, but… in some ways I think having the physical things going on in my body still keep me connected to my pregnancy…. they’re an extension of it. And I’m feeling a little unhappy about the idea of going back to “normal.” It’s a double-edged sword; everything I feel reminds me of what we’ve lost, but at the same time I appreciate the reminders of what we had.
::
One of the things I am struggling with right now is what to do with my life. I dedicated my life to this pregnancy, this baby. I immersed myself in it. I revelled in it. So what the hell do I do now with my free time? It is apparent that I need to find some new hobbies to keep busy. For right now I occupy myself with active grieving – for me that means writing, reading, and scrapbooking. One of the things I feel that I really need to do is put together Devin’s scrapbook. It is going to be huge, I know that already. I want to make sure I capture everything. Obviously I cannot print off this entire blog to put in there, but I do plan to burn it all to disc and keep with my scrapbook. I’ll print off some pivotal entries to include in the actual scrapbook, along with all the photos and notes and charts and everything else I’ve collected over the course of the last 9 months. But when I’m done with all of that? It can’t stay all about Devin forever.
I guess I’ll figure it out as I go. I keep reminding myself that it’s not even been a week yet, I can’t expect to have everything sorted out yet. I somehow managed to live before being pregnant, before infertility, before wedding planning. I always managed to find something to put my energy towards. I’ll find something again while we wait to see what happens for us…
One of the things on our mind through all of this is of course what we are going to do now, fertility-wise. One of the Midwives brought it up in the hospital before I was discharged. Thankfully they know our history, they know that for us actively trying involves doctors and procedures. She said that we need to abstain or prevent for 6 weeks after giving birth, to allow my body time to heal – but after that it is totally up to us what we want to do. We could prevent until we feel emotionally ready to get pregnant again. We could just “see what happens.”
Den and I talked about it while in the hospital. I asked him what he wanted to do and he held my hand tight and told me it’s completely up to me, when and if I feel ready to face another pregnancy… that it didn’t matter how long it took for me to be okay with the idea, or even if I decided I could never face it again, he would support me and be at my side. I quickly reassured him that of course I wanted to get pregnant again… and I couldn’t possibly imagine preventing pregnancy, I would take a pregnancy whenever we were lucky enough to be given one. I saw a huge wave of relief wash over him. I think he was terrified that losing Devin would make me too scared to every go through it again. And yet I do not doubt his word, that he would have supported any decision I made.
So for now our plan is to hope that somehow pregnancy has re-set my body. That somehow we will be given a little break and be able to avoid the huge hurdle of doing IVF again.
It took me three weeks to get rid of the milk, and yes, I was sad and depressed as it was ending. For the exact reason you mention. In those weeks I have often wondered how women who voluntarily decide to not breatfeed at all do it. How the women of the previous generation, the generation that was told formula was much healthier for the baby dealt with it.
If you want to speed up the process, Sage tea helped me a great deal. I found it at Whole Foods, but not in the tea area. It was in their all things natural area, with the cosmetics and toothpaste. I didn’t try it for a long time, but when I did, it helped pretty fast.
I admire your strength so much. You are amazing!!
*hugs*
You are so brave! I admire you and Den. Good you’ve got one another for strength and support.
Please try the warm shower and massaging your breasts while in the shower. It helped me so much, even though I wasn’t as far as you. The itching went away and the soreness subsided.
I’m still praying for you *hugs*
Sounds like you’ve gotten some good advice on the milk thing.
And yes… it’s only been a week. It’s going to take time and space and time to sort everything out.
As always, thinking of you both. *hug*
Natalie, you are one of the strongest people I ever met. I cannot even imagine how hard it is, but you are truly facing this with an attitude that is incredible. You have very good plans for the near future, I am sure you’ll find excellent plans for the long term too, as you said it just will take a little time. I hope your healing process keeps going as it is and that your soul and body will be better soon. We are always here for you and Den when you need, just let us know
Hugs
When I chose not to breastfeed I actually had an electric breast pump to help alleviate the worst of it. It may have drawn it out longer, but I found that doing that once a day when the pain was at it’s worse was worth the drawing out. As long as you aren’t doing it regularly it will dry up. It’s like the process of weaning your baby when they grow up.
I am glad that both you and Den want to have another child. And I know your midwife says anytime after 6 weeks is okay to start trying again. But as someone who only waited 6 months before trying again, I suggest that you wait longer, your body will be healed below and ready but both of us being petitte in size you probably don’t want to add a second baby’s weight on top of what you already put on with Devin’s carrying. It’s hard on the knees and the back.
And I pray that you will have a much easier go at getting pregnant this time around whenever that is. Your body knows what it’s doing now, so I’m very hopeful but I still pray that you will not have to go through another expensive set of treatments for any upcoming children.
Nat, You are so very strong and you are a woman of such amazing courage. I am so very very sorry for you and Den and just sending you all my love
Try getting a couple bags of frozen peas and 2-3 ACE bandages (usually used for wrapping an injured ankle or wrist). Take one of the bandages and wrap your bbs up very tight against your chest and fasten it together. Place one bag of frozen peas per boob on your chest. Then take the other 1-2 bandages and wrap them tightly on top. Leave for 30 min or so. Then take off the top layer of bandage and the peas. Let the peas refreeze for an hour or so and then repeat.
Prayers for you and your husband as you are going through such a hard time. Your writing is beautiful. Definitely look into having your blog made into a book (blurb.com). I applaud you for having the strength to put all of your thoughts into such perfect words so eloquently.
Sage tea will help (you can even make it at home by just steeping fresh sage leaves); also although it’s hard to find these days any cold medications with pseudoepedrine (aka Sudafed) has some effect in drying up milk.
I did the cabbage thing and it didn’t work until someone told me to gently crunch up a leaf of cabbage (to break the “veins”) and then put that on. I felt dumb that I didn’t do that or know that. But it worked. Apparently what you need is the juices in the cabbage leaves.
Natalie and Den-
I just wanted you to know that people all over who have never met you are grieving with you and praying for you both. Just as the two of you will never forget Devin, there are so many people who won’t either. I wish you the BEST of luck in TTC again and sincerely hope there is no need for intervention.
As soon as I got home from the hospital I wrapped my boobs in an ace bandage and it stayed wrapped for a week. At night I would take it off and itch a little but then get in a warm shower and massage them lightly. But that bandage really did help. I took it off after a week and they were so much better. I had just a few little leaks but nothing big. My boobs were more uncomfortable than those stitches below but those dang things took longer to heal…and can we say it itched like crazy!
Love you Nat and lots of hugs!
Sorry about the boob woes, and, of course, the larger situation. I feel you’ve suffered so much, surely you’ve filled your quota for the next ten years or so. I hope the next steps go as well as possible.
Wishing you healing, Natalie.
I just wish that I could make this all go away for you. Really, that’s all I want.
*hugs*
Bittersweet on the milk supply issue… but I love the last sentence or two… and that’s my hope too… that somehow something has been “reset” and that the next time is at the right time and doesn’t involve any extra treatments. A surprise sure would be nice… Still praying for you every single day.
Natalie, it is ironic you posted about the scrapbooking. I was sitting here wondering if you were going to do one and then I read your post. If you need any help with the scrapbook, I would love to help you. (Also there is a website out there that you can download your blog to and create a book, not sure of the name though). I know creating a keepsake scrapbook is a personal thing and I know we don’t know each other in person, but my heart aches for you and your husband. I can’t even possibly begin to imagine what you are going thru. So really if there is anything I can do, please let me know.
I think you got some good suggestions on the milk. I hope one of them works for you. I heard about the ace bandages too.
I admire your continued strength. You are in my prayers. ((((Hugs))))
Natalie,
I’m a first time poster today, but it is not my first time thinking and crying for you. I am devastated for you and Den and I think of you constantly. I am glad that writing and scrapbooking bring your some sort of solace. I think this is just one of several types of publishing software that allows you to convert a blog to a book, if you decide you’d like to do that as part of your Devin’s keepsakes. http://lifehacker.com/software/self-publishing/blurb-self-publishing-153472.php
You are doing an amazing job holding your memories and building your life so far from what you say on your blog… simply amazing.
This is just the worst, and like Julia, it took me a few weeks (I’m an overproducer, and had pumped the week my daughter was alive, which might have exacerbated things). You might try the frozen peas; what I did was take two washcloths, make them both damp, and put in ziplocks. One in the freezer, one by the microwave. When things get bad, put the one in the micro for a few seconds, put it on your breast, loosen things up, hand express a bit or even just massage the little lumps in there (that’s all milk), and then ice them. Repeat.
There’s a good graphic here: http://www.lactationinstitute.org/MANUALEX.html
on expression, with no babies on the page.
It’s amazing you know you want to be pregnant again. I’m a year out, and I’m still trying to decide.
Natalie:
I’m so sorry. My husband and I lost our baby in December at 25 weeks. I remember my milk coming in. Nothing much helped, except time. I felt like I had bowling balls for breasts. Thankfully that only lasted a few days. I had to keep water off my breasts in the shower or bath, and a few times I heard a baby cry at church, and I started leaking. It probably took 3 weeks, but slowly it stopped.
I remember my husband suggesting that he thought that eyes weren’t the only things that cried.
If it helps, one option is to pump the milk and give it to someone who has a babe and no milk. I didn’t, but in hindsight, I don’t know that it wouldn’t have brought me some comfort.
I wish I had better advice to give and more comfort to provide. I’ll be holding both of you in my heart.
cw.
natalie, I can’t believe it’s only a week out and you are so incredibly together. I know you will be processing this for a long time, even as you move forward. devin will always be with you, even when you get pregnant again. I hope your body gives you a break this time, and that at least you can benefit from the hormones still in your body and get pg without intervention.
about the milk, I stayed in bed for days I was so uncomfortable. I though I know it will be sad when it’s gone. super cold cabbage with broken veins (yes its the juice) helped for short periods of time but what really helped was to add the cold too — the frozen packs or an ice cold towel on top. I’ve also heard that the sage tea works well, but I never got to try it. you probably already know that if you express any, you’ll just keep making more….
thinking of you. ~luna
I had an early miscarriage and we got pregnant again after my first period after the m/c. I had to deal with a lot of scary emotions, but my daughter is now turning 1 next week. You’ll never be 100% ready and there may be times you do NOT want to TTC and other times you crave it badly. And in the midst of it all, you have your emotions to battle. We’re rooting for you and I hope you TTC quickly!