Things finally turned around with Kate’s sleep! I got tired of saying “She’s not sleeping,” but she wasn’t sleeping well at all for about a month. She was screaming when I put her in her crib, and the only way to ensure she would actually stop screaming and sleep was to make sure she was absolutely exhausted when I put her in there. She was waking frequently, and then refusing to go back to sleep no matter what I did. For a week or so she’d actually go back to sleep as long as I stayed on the bed with her – if I left, or if I tried to move her, game over, we’re up watching TV at 4am. I was so tired and frustrated and starting to wonder if it was actually going to end. I got a lot of advice from people, mostly unhelpful, about just letting her scream all night and “she’ll figure it out.” Except they don’t really KNOW my kid. There were nights I was just so exhausted I did let her cry it out and she cried for hours before falling asleep… only to wake back up and do it all over again.

So what did I do? Well, really… nothing. I think her molars finally finished coming in. We had finally decided to just take the DVD player away, it had gone on too long. We prepared ourselves for a fight, like every other time we tried to stop using it. So that night I did the usual to get her ready for bed, then rocked her in the dark, kissed her goodnight, put her in her crib. She started crying. I left. She… stopped. And minutes later she was asleep. No fit. No throwing everything out of her crib. It was a non-event. I knew the nap was going to be an issue, though, so I braced myself, and… I put her in her crib, she cried for a minute, and then fell asleep. Next night same thing, but even less noise, though we heard her mumbling to Violet in the crib. Today she didn’t cry at ALL. She rolled over to grab Violet and that was that – just like it used to be before those molars started fucking things up.

I am SO HAPPY. Granted she’s still waking twice a night to nurse (and go straight back to sleep in her crib), so I need to work on that, but just not having to fight with her, not having to listen to her scream unhappily, not having an exhausted kid who will not sleep… SUCH a relief.

::

I am still feeling nauseated, but it’s not so bad now that I’ve figured out the trigger. I have always taken my prenatal vitamin before bed. Always. Never had a problem with Devin, or Kate. But apparently this kid is playing a different game and that was making me sick all friggin night, then causing me to throw up multiple times first thing in the morning. I stopped taking it for a few days and voila, no more vicious midnight nausea. So I bought some flintstones vitamins to take during the day, I’m already taking extra folic acid each day. Hopefully that all works smoothly. Without puking. (Much.)

Yesterday morning when I went to the bathroom I was caught off-guard by a brown blob of CM. I was not amused. I didn’t freak out, mainly because I was half expecting this after I spotted a lot with Kate, but it still pissed me off. Can’t I just have an anxiety-free first trimester? But really, I know it’s common. It was definitely brown not red, it trailed off the rest of the day and then was gone, and I felt no differently than I did the day before. So I’m chalking it up to just a random thing, and trying not to worry.

Thankfully I really do feel a hundred times more relaxed about this pregnancy than I did with Kate. I’ve had a successful, healthy birth this time, plus I have Kate to spend my time and energy on. And if something did go wrong, it would be horrible but I would still have Kate. This pregnancy isn’t the only thing I have to hold on to. I’m thankful for that, it takes the pressure off, the desperation. Plus I think I’m still quite detached. Which, as a friend brought up, is probably a defense mechanism after losses.

The detachment is making me feel a little morose, though. I feel like I should be jumping up and down excited, but instead I feel very muted. Hopeful, sure. Happy, absolutely. But in moderation… with caveats.

Of course the surprise of this pregnancy is probably not helping!

::

Now that Kate is getting some real good nights sleep she is back to her happy, perky, funny-as-always self. She’s become such a toddler. And I mean that in a delightful way! Other peoples’ toddlers never interested me much (sorry to say), but my own toddler is amazing. She now gives hugs as well as kisses – both randomly and on request. She’s learned a bunch of body parts and I think it’s a funny trick to show off to family when they see her. She’s running now, a funny, crazy, sometimes-head-shaking toddler run. She loves to crash into my legs in a big hug. She also has learned to shake her head for no and nod for yes, but she really doesn’t know what they mean yet, she just does it back at you and laughs.

She’s also learned a bunch of signs. She’s so obsessed with those Signing Time DVDs (we limit it, or she’d watch them all day long!), she’s picked up a lot of signs that I have never used with her. Of course at this point a lot of her signs look the same, and often they look nothing like the original, but she’s consistent and I’m learning her versions. Milk and orange are pretty much the same, she doesn’t understand that orange is under the chin. Bird is pretty accurate, she likes that one. She LOVES train, though she signs it by tracing her forefinger on the back of her other hand – but she gets SUPER excited when she sees trains now and signs the word over and over! She knows bath and wash hands – she loves that one, rubbing her hands together as if washing. There are others, too, that I am forgetting. I need to learn a few more that aren’t in the DVDs because her new favorite thing to do is go through her picture books and practice the sign (or verbal word, if she knows it) for each picture. You can just tell how excited she is to learn all these names for things!

This week I’ve been feeling more hormonal and it’s causing me to get very mushy around Kate. I do tend to hug and kiss her a lot anyways, but I catch myself now squeezing her tight and tearing up because I just love her so very much. I am such a lucky mama to get this fabulous kid. Even if she’s a fussy sleeper. ;)

Yesterday after we were all done eating dinner Den shouted down the hall at me, “What does this sign mean?? Kate keeps doing it and saying ‘Ma!'” I poked my head around the corner and he showed me. It was the sign for “more.” We turned to Kate and asked her if she wanted some more food? She ran to her highchair, tried climbing in, and punctuated it with a yell. When we gave her some cheese she gobbled it up.

Kate does a lot of signs in response to seeing things or pictures, or when I say words. She’ll mimic things back at me, but I always have to ask her first. This was the first time she’d ever spontaneously signed at us in an attempt to communicate something she wanted. So awesome!

::

I’ve started calling the baby The Alien In My Belly (TAIMB for short). It’s making me quite sick the last few days and every time Den asks me what’s wrong I moan, “the Alien hates me!”

Oh yes, the nausea has definitely kicked up a notch as the week progresses. The last two days I vomited up my entire breakfast without much warning or to-do, just dashed and puked. Despite me not taking my prenatal before bed nights are still not being much fun at all. If Kate doesn’t wake me up several times a night this nausea certainly does, and I’m flitting between the toilet and bed trying to decide how bad it’s going to be. Laying down is not helpful. (Then again, neither is sitting up.)

I have a feeling Kate’s going to be watching a lot of TV for the next month.

::

Make that three days of throwing up breakfast. Oh I really am not a fan of the first trimester.

Today Kate was up a little earlier than usual and neither one of us were the perkiest we’ve ever been. I was tired and kept trying to fall asleep on the couch (only to be woken by a child yelling that the cartoon had ended, turn another one on, mom! Not that one! Another one!), and Kate, in between yelling at me, was kind of whiny.

By 10:30 she was really whiny, but didn’t want to eat, didn’t want a sippy, didn’t want to sit with me. She doesn’t take her nap until noon or so, so that didn’t really cross my mind… until she tugged on my hand, ran down the hall to her bedroom, and pulled me over to her crib. I picked her up to judge the situation and she, figuring she got her point across, laid her head on my shoulder with a little sigh and went all limp-noodle on me – her sign for “I’m going to sleep now, night night.” I put her in her crib, expecting her to jump up and yell at me. Instead she rolled over and grabbed her Violet bear. I left and closed the door. There was not a peep.

I scratched my head. Did my toddler just ASK to be put down for an early nap??

So I took the opportunity to sneak into my bedroom and crawl into my bed for a nap, too. We slept for 3 hours.

It’s kind of unbelievable that this is the same kid who two weeks ago was screaming fits at me every time I put her in her crib, even if she was fully asleep when I layed her down. Now she’s back to being happy as a clam in there, and when she wakes up and yells to call me I don’t walk in to a hysterical baby, I find her sitting playing music on her Violet, holding her pacis… and when she sees me she gets up and dances for a few minutes while I clap.

I’m also working on night-weaning her (again). Being pregnant and tired and sick I really can’t do the 3am wake-up every single night when there is really no reason for it at all, just habit. So the last few nights when she woke up I went in to hug her, cuddle her, rock her, and put her back in her crib. I can’t say she’s impressed with this change, but she falls back asleep within 15 minutes… and then sleeps the rest of the night through. I’m really hoping after another day or two she’ll stop waking up at 3am!

I feel so ill. And not ill as in my-kid-got-me-sick, or I-ate-something-bad, but in the I have a fetus in my belly that apparently wants to turn my stomach inside out way. It started when I hit 7 weeks. Well, no, it started sooner than that, but it got worse at 7 weeks. Before then was dry-heaving and gagging. Now I’m throwing up entire meals – with no pre-amble, no working up to it, just feeling fine, not feeling fine, then someone flips a switch and my entire meal comes back up. UGH. It’s worst in the morning. I’m fine when I’m in bed, but as soon as I get up I’m nauseated…. I eat breakfast, which seems to settle it, but I guess not enough, as breakfast inevitably comes back up. Sometimes my second attempt at breakfast does, too. The rest of the day I’m keeping things down, as long as I keep eating. I have become an eating machine. Not because I’m hungry, but because it’s the only thing that keeps the nausea down.

I started taking the unisom again, which is what worked for me for both prior pregnancies. Unfortunately I’m not really seeing a difference. I may have to call the midwives to see if I can get zofran or something else that will help. I’m all for powering through and feeling reassured by the nausea, but I’m hitting the stage where I’m not really functional. Especially since I have a toddler to take care of during the day!

I’m really glad Den is home this weekend, as he pretty much watched Kate all day while I layed on the couch and then went back to bed. Apparently she is much happier if I’m locked in the bedroom than laying in the living room – if I’m out here she wants me to PLAY with her… or she wants to use me as a jungle gym. I don’t have to explain how that doesn’t go over well. I felt so bad ignoring her all day, but she clearly had a great time with her daddy, I heard lots of giggles and babbling.

My nausea is still kicking around, but I’m at least feeling like I have more life in me – I haven’t felt like I needed to be permanently attached to the couch this week. Some food stays down, some food comes up. Hopefully it improves.

::

Kate has been very bored lately. We realized that she had all the same toys in the living room as she’s had pretty much since her birthday. She’d play with something for 5 seconds, then toss it to the side and whine. She’s been demanding TV all the time recently, which does NOT make me happy. I have been turning on her shows more often lately, just because I’ve felt so sick…. and I feel bad enough about that. But then to have her yanking on my hand and yelling because she wants more? Umm. No. So today I cleaned out the living room, storing most of the toys in the basement for a month or two until they are “new” again. I picked her up a few new things that she didn’t have, like a xylophone.

One of the things I got today is one of those inflatable bouncie horses. I’d been debating getting one for a while and I saw one at BRU for $15. Can’t beat that. Unfortunately Kate is apparently scared of it. She practiced some cow[horse]-tipping, but that was it. Later Den sat her on it and bounced her gently, saying, “Wheeee!” She lost her balance and tipped forward, touching its head and ears. She freaked out crying. FAIL. WTF?

Tonight the three of us had a lot of fun playing with a ball. And reading books. And playing peek-a-boo with old hats and scarves. I’d like to find/make more things for her to play with, but I’m at a loss. She still eats things, so crayons/coloring is out, same with beans/sensory tubs. I am definitely not bringing a water table inside. She likes to climb, but other than the couch there’s not much else that’s safe, as judged by the large bump she has on her cheek from falling off of our end table yesterday.

I’ve been trying my best to take her out places. There’s a local gymnastics place that does drop-in open play for toddlers – basically just turning them loose on all the mats, bars, trampoline and ropes. She’s not an extremely adventurous kid, but she does enjoy herself, and it’s one place she’s allowed to climb everything! Thursday morning there’s a local place that has a drop-in open swim, and I may be brave enough to try that tomorrow, if I’m not feeling too sick….. although the thought makes me shiver. (Even indoor pools… getting out is cold!) I think the library does a toddler reading time, I need to put that on my calendar as well. I’d take her outside, but in the front yard she wants to run for the road, and in the (fenced) backyard she runs to the door and just stands there. I do NOT understand that. We have fun toys, a slide, a HUGE yard… and she whines at the door. WTF. There are local parks, but I must say how exhausting it is to constantly be grabbing your toddler as they try to tackle things that are too much for them. Most playgrounds are not made for 1 year olds.

Trying to keep her occupied and engaged is definitely tiring!

Being nauseated I have sampled the spectrum of crackers.

First I was extremely pissed off that my grocery store no longer carries Arrowroot cookies. WTF? How can you not sell Arrowroot baby cookies? They were my STAPLE last time I was pregnant. I don’t know what to do about this.

So then I started with the basics: saltines. Okay they suck. I know people swear by them, but I can’t eat more than two. They just… bleh. Cheez-its? I don’t know what it is, maybe they’re too salty. Or something. I haven’t touched them since I bought them. On to graham crackers. These were good! Delicious, even, with cream cheese! I wanted them every day! Until I didn’t. And now I don’t want them at all.

I have found that the perfect 3am nausea cracker is a TownHouse Original. Such buttery, crunchy goodness that settles my stomach.

::

At first I was all Hungry Hungry Hippo and eating everything in sight. I was happy when eating, and nauseated as soon as I stopped. And the cravings? Not so much as cravings-out-of-the-blue, but more if I saw it, I HAD to eat it. Opening the fridge was a dangerous prospect, as there were so many yummy things in plain sight! I did eat a lot of fruit, along with cheese, yogurt, eggs, whatever else. I had worries of gaining 60lbs this time.

This week it’s gone 180 degrees and now I want nothing. I’m choking down food just because I know I have to eat something. The couple of things that sound somewhat appetizing are crackers and rice crispy treats. Clearly I cannot survive on rice crispies treats (although the past two days I did give it a good try). Opening the fridge now makes my stomach turn over.

I am really hoping this nausea tapers off by the end of my first trimester. The one good thing is that the constant nausea is very reassuring that everything is still okay in there, but still… it is tiring feeling sick all the time.

Back when Kate started solids strawberries and grapes were her favorites. She would eat them all the time if I gave them to her, and she would get so excited at the sight of them!

Sometime over the summer she decided she no longer liked either – to the point where she refuses to put either in her mouth, period. I kept offering but got tired of picking up strawberries off the floor and throwing out half the carton. Two of the very few foods she refuses to eat, by the way.

Last week we were over visiting her cousins at around lunchtime. My SIL was dishing out handfuls of cut-up strawberries from a tupperware container for both of them. Kate stared and started yelling at me for some. I explained that they were strawberries, you don’t LIKE them, but she was apparently hungry and continued to yell. So fine, I grabbed one little piece and popped it in her mouth. I waited. She chewed. She opened her mouth again and squawked like a hungry baby bird. Uhhh, what? So I kept offering her more, and she kept on eating. She ate a whole bowl of strawberries! Amazing!

Today I bought a carton of strawberries and cut them all up in advance. At lunch time I grabbed some in a small bowl and picked one little piece up, preparing to put it directly in her mouth so as to avoid the initial refusal. Well she refused anyway. She shook her head from side to side, mouth clamped shut, and growled, “Mmmmm!” at me, which I gather to mean something along the lines of, Stop it!! I persevered and finally pushed a small piece of strawberry into her mouth. She stared at me with annoyance. Her mouth hung open. Drool pooled up. Her mouth slowly closed and she chewed a little. Then her face brightened up.

After a few more hand-fed pieces I gave her the whole bowl, which she proceeded to empty in short time with the assistance of her fork. Strawberries? WIN!

Now we’ll just have to see how she reacts again next time.

Toddlers are weird.

For a while now we have been waiting to hear from our reproductive lab, waiting to hear about storage charges for our one frozen embryo that was left over. We intended to use it first when we returned to the RE in December, and I was in no hurry to pay charges – I wasn’t sure exactly when we’d have to start paying.

So today we got the notice. We either have to choose to discard it, donate it, or pay storage fees. Except of course now we don’t have any plans to use it, with me being already pregnant. But at the same time we’re not completely 100% sure we’ll not want another, especially if something were to happen to this pregnancy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately, about the future and the question of being done. It’s early still, but my gut feeling is that I’m done. I’ve not had this feeling before. When I was pregnant with Devin and with Kate I was absolutely certain it was not my last pregnancy, that I would have another one day (or at the very least want another, there being no guarantees in life). This time… this time I already have a toddler. I’ve been through pregnancy twice already. I’m sick again. I feel like three pregnancies is enough for me. Maybe I’ll regret that one day, maybe I’ll change my mind, but… I’m kind of looking forward to moving into the next stage. Now that Kate’s sleeping through the night and not breastfeeding much I was starting to feel like my old self – getting my sex drive back, my body shape back, my energy. Even hobbies outside holding a baby all day (which I loved, don’t get me wrong – but it doesn’t leave much time for scrapbooking, does it). Now I’m pregnant again and thinking, this isn’t so new and exciting anymore. It’ll be another 2 years before I get “my” body back. When I get there I really don’t think I want to go through this all again.

Not to mention two children in the house was our goal all along. Two is a good number, I think. They have each other. I have my hands full. I don’t really see myself having a third without growing another arm. Not to mention what we would do with this small ranch house – the kids will be sharing a room for a long time as it is. Where would we put a third?! We’d need a new car, and forget flying to visit my parents… it’s going to cost way too much as it is with two of them. I just feel like two is the right number for us here in our lives. And a part of me kind of looks forward to them getting a bit older and more self-sufficient so I don’t have to be at full attention all the time. Looking forward to finishing my second degree over the next few years and then someday *gasp* getting a job. A job that makes money. So we can do fun stuff like add on to the house. We have all these plans, and they are nice plans.

So that frozen embryo, I don’t think we’re going to need it. I certainly don’t think it’s worth paying a monthly fee to keep it on the off chance that we change our minds in the future, when for us insurance will cost us the same whether we do a FET or a fresh cycle. It’s not like getting rid of the embryo ends all our options.

The options then are to discard it, donate it to research, or donate it to another couple. Discarding it is definitely scratched off our list. We’ve donated immature eggs to research before and we are comfortable with that choice. But then there’s that last choice. Den said that it would be nice to know that it’ll be used, that it will give someone else a chance. But it’s kind of weird to think of the possibility that someone might have Kate’s biological sibling out there. Especially that particular embryo, coming from the same retrieval that gave us her. (Not that it changes the biological significance, but emotionally.) We’re pondering. We never expected to ever be in this situation.

What did you do with your leftover embryos? Did you use donated embryos?

Yesterday was a day that ran just a little too long. Nausea and insomnia the night before had held me captive, not allowing for much sleep to be had. Kate was in a good mood all day, thankfully, but I was just too thin after a long day spent trying to occupy her and keep her happy. It was a day when I count down to bedtime. Three more hours. Two more hours. One. Bedtime! All I could think about was sagging into bed to read my book. Simple, but desperately needed.

And so of course fate should dictate that when I gratefully lowered Kate into her crib and left the room with a large sigh of relief a loud wail started. She doesn’t normally make any fuss at bedtime. I ignored it for a few minutes but shortly couldn’t do anything at all without my head aching with the very loud, unpleasant sound.

I went and got her up. Her face was red and tear-streaked. It took a while before she would let me put her down. When she was distracted by her dad and the tv I slunk away, leaving them to fend for themselves. I was just done and knew it.

I read my book in bed… for a brief while. My eyes closed. I fell asleep in the middle of a sentence. Just laid my head down and closed my eyes and couldn’t find within me the strength to open them again.

Den apparently fed her again and then put her back to bed, this time without complaint. He came to bed shortly after, quite surprised to find my face-first in my pillow, kindle next to my hand.

Now of course it is after midnight and I woke first having just to pee. But then the nausea settled in, worms squirming in my belly, gag reflex twitching helplessly. I may need to get up to eat something more substantial than crackers – not sure how else I am going to get any sleep. Or maybe I might get up to puke. Right now that seems a distinct possibility.

I am still sick. Sundays seem to be my “I never want to get out of bed again… except to heave over the toilet” day. I really dislike Sundays.

The last few days after I lay in bed with my book I get gas bubbles rumbling in my belly, and a few little pops down lower which I thought might be the baby. It’s just so hard to tell, and it would be just one or two little bubbles. Well this weekend I was laying propped up in bed with my laptop doing some homework while Kate took a nap and I felt something more than just a little pop. Felt like a little rolling and squirming, in fact. Made my queasiness go up a bunch, too. But then I stopped and said, wait, what was that?! And it happened again. That was NOT gas, that was most definitely the baby. Holy smokes!

I was only 9w5d that day, it seems so early for movement! Guess that means I don’t have an anterior placenta again, like I did with Kate. I still wasn’t expecting to feel anything before 12 weeks, but I guess being my third pregnancy and all… there are some benefits! It’s nice to know that it’s still alive in there… though my frequent heaving has been reassuring in that way, as well.

::

Kate is 17 months old! I look at her and think, holy smokes, she’s no baby. She looks like a little kid in so many ways now. Not to mention actions and mannerisms.

She’s started running, this crazy, wiggly toddler-run that cracks me up every time I see it. I need to get it on video. She also likes to put her arms behind her as she leans forward and walks around, it looks like she’s pretending to fly around with a cape behind her. I have no idea what she’s thinking when she does it, but she thinks it’s funny (probably because we laugh!). She’s also discovered how much fun it can be to turn in circles. Slowly round and round and round until she staggers around like a mini drunk. She loves it when I pick her up and spin her around in my arms, but then she most definitely will fall down trying to walk. Normally I lay her down and she just lays there for a few minutes, letting the world stop spinning around her.

She’s become very interested in what we are doing. The computer, of course, remains of utmost fascination, to the point where I can’t type if she’s around because she insists on sitting on my lap and “helping.” (She’s not much help.) She wants to see what we’re doing in the kitchen now, I’ve been holding her up while Den cooks dinner so she can watch. Today I got down on the floor with a bowl and made biscuits with her (the “just add water” kind – I didn’t get fancy or anything). She loved helping me stir and then scoop out the dough onto the tray. I turned on the oven light so she could see them in there baking. And when I pulled them out I called her over to look as I picked one up and broke it open. We both enjoyed sitting on the floor saying “Mmmm!” and eating it. :) Cleaning is a big one, too – while I’m wiping her and her highchair tray down she’ll grab the cloth and wipe the tray with it. It’s also very common for me to see the broom go walking by (tall handle swaying dangerously, smacking into everything in sight).

Last week we realized she was bored as hell with all the toys in the living room so we packed most of them up and put them downstairs. I brought out some others that were elsewhere, and bought a couple new ones. She is much happier now that there are less things, if that makes any sense! We really have only the basics now: blocks, nesting cups, xylophone, shopping cart, horse, tons of books, and a couple of little knick-knacks. Her favorite thing right now seems to be those cheap bead necklaces. She LOVES them. She wears them around the house all day and will put them on and take them off repeatedly. She also loves to drop them carefully into a bowl – apparently that is fascinating. The two things I bought for her I only bring out once in a while during the day: a LeapTop kids “laptop”, and a cash register. The laptop is pretty self-explanatory, of course she loves that! The cash register I hesitated on because it said ages 3+. But I had one as a kid and LOVED it and I know she loves buttons. She actually figured it out pretty quickly, and at least it holds her interest for longer than any of the simple toys once she’s figured it out. She really likes putting the coins in the top, pushing the buttons to drop them into different places, turning the handle to open the drawer. Plus as she gets older she can use it for pretend play.

Her love affair with books continues, though she has now moved on to lift-the-flap books. She’s liked them for a few months but has reached a point now where she’s stopped accidentally ripping the flaps out, so I can leave them out all the time. I try watching TV or reading or heck even napping while she’s flipping through the books, but she’s started leaning back against my chest and grunting “Eh?” impatiently at every page until I say the appropriate words. But she will go through the same book, front to back, over and over and over again. I get pretty tired of saying, “No, that’s the bear!”

In terms of speaking, she’s added one more word to her repertoire: “Up.” And she always says it quietly, with a very serious tone of voice; it’s a statement of intent, not a command or not a question. Other than that and the few words she has had for a while she doesn’t do a whole lot of talking. It’s still mostly dragging us around by the hand yelling, “EHHH!!!” when she wants something. Thankfully she has started nodding yes when I ask her if she wants this or that, which is extremely helpful. Her vocabulary with signs is much larger, though she only uses them when prompted. But she knows signs for a bunch of objects now, like shirt, shoes, socks, ball, fish, teddy bear, baby, orange, red (the other colors she can’t quite get her fingers to do right yet). She loves flipping through her picture books, doing the signs for each thing she sees. She’s also started pointing to things in the book when I ask her, “Where is the dog?” “Where is the ball?” Then she claps and clutches her hands under her chin with a big grin, so proud of herself. :)

It really is just amazing watching her learn. I’ve been all pregnant hormonal lately and getting all teary-eyed while I hug her, rub her back and tell her I love her as I put her down for bed. I just want to hold her forever sometimes… but then she gets heavy and I feel nauseated so I have to put her down and scamper out, lol. But man, this kid is EVERYTHING to me.