I am up late. I am up late eating salmon cream cheese at my computer. It feels like I may starve to death if I don’t eat right before bed. I run out of chips, but instead of putting the cream cheese away like I should, I go get more chips. It’s good cream cheese.

Finally I feel done, full. I put it away and go let the dog in. I’m tired, I’m looking forward to bed.

As I tip-toe through the kitchen and turn off the light a box of cheerios catches my eye. Cheerios sound good. I should have some in the morning. I continue to the bathroom to get ready for bed, but all I can think about are the damn cheerios.

It is now 12:34am and I am sitting at my computer eating a bowl of cheerios. (Of course this means I’m going to have to pee again in an hour. Damnit.)

Right off the top: everything is fine.

Tuesday I had my first appointment with a nurse. She was very nice and chit chatted with me as she asked questions and filled out my medical history. I always forget to bring in my typed list of IVFs and surgeries. When she asked what my last menstrual period was I told her the date and then told her that I’m positive I ovulated a week or two late, so I won’t be as far along as they think I am. With my history of a prior ectopic she agreed it was a good idea to get an ultrasound done ASAP.

Now I was thinking that they would do something next week, I’d get to see the heartbeat and they would date the pregnancy and we’d all be happy. But to check for an ectopic she scheduled it that evening. And since it was a “check for ectopic” she said the normal pregnancy ultrasound group in the hospital won’t do it, I had to go to Radiology. I didn’t think too hard about what that meant.

I dropped Kate off with a friend for my appointment (Den was working late), and drove in to the hospital. I found Radiology (not easy) and got myself checked in. I was calm. Well, mostly – I hate ultrasounds. My palms get all sweaty and I get flashbacks. But I felt good about this pregnancy and wasn’t concerned. The tech called my name – a male. He checked to make sure I was okay with a male tech and explained that when he did the vaginal ultrasound a female would be sitting in the room with us. Okay, fine, I’m not picky. He was very polite, very nice. I explained to him that I know by LMP I should be 7 weeks along, but I ovulated late and am about 5 weeks, so I don’t expect him to see much.

It was when he started with the abdominal ultrasound that I realized that this was going to be very different than what I was expecting or hoping for. I could see the screen at first as he measured my ovaries and my uterus and other random shapes I couldn’t identify. He was very detailed, it seemed. And very, very quiet. I belatedly remembered stories of friends getting ultrasounds where the tech told them they weren’t allowed to say anything or show them anything. I was trying hard to see anything recognizable in my uterus, but I am honestly not used to early abdominal ultrasounds and figured at 5 weeks I probably wouldn’t even see a sac abdominally anyways.

When he had me sit up and wipe the goop off to prepare for the vaginal ultrasound I asked him if he could tell me anything at all. He told me that, no, they weren’t allowed to, he gives the results to a doctor, they give it all to my doctor, who would then call me with any information. Holy fuck. Are you kidding me? That is not acceptable. I didn’t say that, but I sure as hell thought it. He understood what I meant he said he’d check with the doctor on staff afterward to see if there was any information he could give me.

The vaginal ultrasound seemed to take forever. It was probably 10 or 15 minutes. He had moved down along with the screen so I couldn’t see anything at all. I could hear him clicking, feel the slight pressure from the ultrasound wand, and I layed there trying to imagine what he was seeing. Was he taking an awful long time on my left side that has a tube? It couldn’t possibly actually be ectopic. I’d have felt something. And the odds of that are ridiculous. But then again, me with odds. Or maybe it’s triplets or something – maybe the soy did something crazy. He’s going to go get the doctor and they’re going to come in for another look and sit me down for a discussion. Or maybe there’s nothing at all in there and he just doesn’t want me to cry.

It was an excruciatingly long time spent staring at the butterflies on the ceiling tile, wondering what the hell was going on. I tried to mentally remove myself but I kept thinking about Devin and the ectopic and ultrasounds and bad news. My hands shook. I didn’t use my phone – I thought that might look weird, me surfing the internet on my droid while getting a vaginal ultrasound – but I clutched it in my hands, ready to shoot off a panicked text message to my friend.

When he was done he got me towels and told me he’d be back. He left the room for a good 5 or 10 minutes. More bad thoughts in my head. I sent that text, and a few others. I tried to breathe to calm myself.

Finally he comes back and says, “Well, everything looks good. There’s a small sac located in the uterus, which is what we would expect to see with someone about 5 weeks. A little bit of free fluid, but that’s not significant.”

And that was that. He said goodbye and I left Radiology. And then I walked to my car and sat in it, shaking, on the verge of tears – of relief, and of frustration at having to endure that. I will never go to Radiology for another pregnancy ultrasound unless it’s a life or death situation. If there is ever a next time I will not be getting checked for an ectopic – I will wait until I have pain or not.

Oh, and the machine wasn’t able to measure accurately since it’s so small and early, so I still don’t have a due date, though at least I have confirmation that I am as far along as I think I am. So next week they may want to do another ultrasound for dating, and I would get to hopefully see a heartbeat then too. But that would be at the pregnancy ultrasound office, where they talk to me and give me pictures.

So in the end everything is fine. There is one sac (not three), and it’s in my uterus where it should be. That is a huge relief.

Kate is still struggling with her sleep a bit, but it’s gotten better. I finally started sleeping in her room on the futon, starting halfway through the night. She normally won’t sleep next to me anymore (she prefers to get up and run around instead of sleeping), but she’s been so tired and she seems to just want my touch. Once I figured that out it all got a lot better. When she nurses back to sleep if I try putting her in her crib she just wakes up and cries and cries and gets hysterical, so I stopped moving her. I leave my arm on her for a while, then when she’s more asleep I move back to my side of the bed and get comfortable. She whimpers once in a while and needs me to rub her back and nuzzle her head, she’ll settle right back down. Once she’s comfortable she seems to be fine, she’ll flop to her belly to her preferred position (which freaked me out the first time she did it, normally flipping over means she’s going to get to her feet and run off!), wiggle around, and sigh happily. She doesn’t even normally need my touch all night, just needs me nearby.

The start of the night, however, is harder. We’re still doing the DVD thing, which still involves crying for a couple minutes when I leave, but is far preferable to her screaming for an hour in the dark. Her bedtime is all kinds of messed up, often not going to sleep until midnight. To make up for this she’s taking a late afternoon/evening nap. Which does NOT make me happy, however if I keep her up and put her down at her normal time (8pm) she wakes up after 2 hours and wants to be up all night. Again, I’m not really thrilled about this new schedule, but it’s temporary and we’ll change it when she feels better. Naps I’m usually just driving her around until she falls asleep in the car and then transferring her to the crib – that’s the easiest way. Else I have to do the DVD/cry for a little bit thing. But at least she is taking decent 2+ hour naps, which she wasn’t when the molars were first coming in.

Now that we’re both getting actual sleep at night we’re both doing MUCH better during the day, though. Man we were both miserable… she was so tired she was a mess during the day, and I was pretty bitchy running on such little sleep. It’s quite nice knowing that when I crawl into her bed at 2am or whenever it is she wakes up we’ll both sleep until 9am.

I’d write more but the child is apparently not going to go to bed by herself tonight so apparently I need to go lay down with her. Sigh.

For the first time in quite some time Kate is in bed, Den has gone to bed, Kate has not woken back up again (yet), and I have some honest free time – no homework, no phone calls, no chores. (Well, there are always more chores, but nothing I have to desperately get done right this second.) As I said goodnight to Denis I said, “I have no idea what I’m going to do with my time, but I know it will be relaxing. And it will involve Cheerios.” Apparently this pregnancy favors cheerios.

This pregnancy is also starting to favor nausea. It comes and goes, but it’s sticking around a bit more, making me want to throw up. I’m also getting heartburn some nights, which is bizarre because the only time I have ever had heartburn was in the third trimester with Kate (that I can remember, at least). My stomach just feels all gassy and gurgly and I feel a lot of pressure at the top of my stomach. I need to burp a lot, and that leads to gagging. Today as I was just hanging over the toilet just in case Kate helpfully ran up to me and burrowed her head under my arm so that she could see into the toilet, too. She grinned at me and giggled, like this was some new fun game. I told her just not to throw anything in. Yeah, morning sickness is going to get really interesting with a toddler around.

We haven’t told family and local people yet, mostly because I’m still not really comfortable dealing with the over-optimistic nothing-will-go-wrong congratulations that most people will give. But it does make for a bit of a situation. If I do lose this pregnancy what am I going to do, pretend it never happened? Never mention it? Not tell people why I’m so upset? That’s not my way. And it would feel weird to just be all, “Oh yeah, you didn’t know I was pregnant, but I was and now I’m not.” Though I think that is the more likely for me. Hopefully soon I might be able to get another little ultrasound just to confirm that there is in fact a baby in there (they could see on a sac last week, I was too early to see anything else). Then hopefully I’ll feel comfortable enough to share the news and celebrate a little bit.

Plus, you know, if I start puking at every family function someone’s going to figure out that something’s up.

The other day when she was getting tired she walked over to me and grabbed my finger and tugged. She led me to her bedroom door. I turned on the DVD player and put her in her crib. Then I left. And she didn’t make a peep. As much as she loves the DVD she always cries for at least a few seconds when I leave the room. I guess she really did want a nap?!

Later I was draped over the toilet, heaving, arms braced on the toilet seat to each side. Kate ran over to me and nudged her head under my left arm so she too could stare in the toilet. Then she looked at me and grinned, like it was some new fun game we were playing – toilet studying or something.

Nausea is really kicking in. It’s around most of the day, but it’s getting more insistent. Monday was the first time I had to put Kate down and dash for the toilet – I didn’t throw up, but I really wasn’t sure. A lot of gagging.

I had a craving for cream of wheat, so I went and bought some. Yummy. I am eating cheerios almost every day, they seem to taste good. Everything else seems to be trigger-based: if I see it, I want it. Now. (I just saw a hotdog in a picture. Damnit. I wonder if we have any left in the fridge.)

I got Kate some megabloks last week and she’s already figured out how to put them together and take them apart. However taking them apart apparently always involves using her teeth. Weird kid. The best one was when she pulled off a block with her mouth, but had blocks in both hands already. So she walks over to Denis and leans forward, both arms held out to the side. Bending at the waist she leaned down to his hand and deposited the block from her mouth into his hand. Then she stood up and happily walked off.

I saw my midwife this morning – well, one of the many midwives, but I booked this appointment with the one who caught Kate (I hesitate to say “delivered,” since she literally just put out her hands and caught!). She congratulated me and gave me a hug and looked Kate over. It was so nice to see her, and to hear how happy everyone there is for me!

The actual appointment was nothing important, she just made sure to tell me to eat healthy and eat frequently, since I’m breastfeeding and pregnant. I’ve been eating a lot of fruit lately, but I really need to work on my veggies. Then she listened to my lungs and checked my breasts while Kate sat on my lap and said, “Eenngghhhh?!” at someone else touching her milkies, lol. I decided not to do an internal or pap; I have had no spotting this pregnancy and I’d really like to keep it that way, avoid the whole mental breakdown part.

Kate was pretty good the entire time, though you could tell she was itching to touch everything in the room. And she did touch – with one finger. I said, “Nooooo,” and she shook her head at me, giggled, and stopped touching. She was restless, though, and unfortunately I don’t get an internet connection in there so I couldn’t turn on the youtube videos she likes to watch. Gah! Maybe I’ll see if someone can watch her for my next appointment.

Then the Midwife hopped over to the ultrasound group to see if they could get me in for a quick dating ultrasound. And they could! What a difference it was from the last ultrasound. This time the woman had me lay down and lift my shirt. She scanned through my uterus and I could already see a sac with a blob in it. She focused in on the blob and said, “There’s the heartbeat!” Just like that. She measured the CRL at 6w1d, which gives me a due date of May 23 – the day after Kate’s birthday. Haha. I knew it.

(How to get an ultrasound with a toddler with you? I sat Kate next to me on the bed, pointed at the ultrasound machine, and said, “Look, a TV screen!” Problem solved.)

So here you are, the blob that is Baby #3. (I’m relieved and keep wanting to tell people, “There really IS a baby in there!” But that might come off as a little weird, lol.)