Dearest Katherine,

You are six months old today. I feel a lot of things, but mostly pride. You have always been a happy baby, but now you are so social and adorable and fun to be around. I am so proud of who you are and every day I feel stunned that I am lucky enough to have you in my life. You’re my constant companion, my little side-kick. I love knowing that wherever I go, you’ll be with me. I love that going shopping isn’t just buying groceries, but time with you. Even when my day consists of a doctors appointment and hanging out on the couch, it’s never boring.

I love watching your chubby little arms reach for things, so eager to experience the world. You can sit and roll now and you no longer are upset to be on the floor, now that you’re in control. I always knew that was the problem. I really think that being a newborn was stressful for you. You’ve never liked laying back and watching, you want to be in on the action, lording over your toys from an upright position, walking around, touching things yourself. I think it frustrates you still that you have to rely on us to put you where you want to be. Some days I think we get it all wrong. I’m glad you’re forgiving.

You used to have a temper. I remember you as young as 2 months old, held in an upright position as you reached for your toy. You would growl and growl as you tried to force your hands into behaving until finally you could take the frustration no longer and you burst into wails and unhappy screeches. You used to sleep peacefully in the sling but upon awakening would arch your back and scream to be let out immediately. I’m amazed at how much more patient you are now, laying on the floor playing with your toys. I just sit back and watch you most of the time, letting you struggle to pick up your book, even though it’s so big and awkward in your hands. You roll back and forth, tugging at the toy this way and that, trying to figure out why it’s stuck under your arm, or why when you pull one side of a blanket the other side moves, too. I can see the concentration on your face.

I love seeing your expression of glee when you figure something out. When you realized you could roll to your right after weeks of rolling only to your left you paused a moment to process, then kicked your legs and shrieked happily. Your whole body lights up. And then of course you rolled back over to do it again.

You’re a monkey in my arms, and have been ever since you could move. As a newborn you would hold your head up. At just a few weeks old you would kick the chair arm to propel yourself sideways. You can’t crawl yet so you settle for draping your body over mine, then pushing, kicking, pulling and rolling all over me. With the requisite slobber-on-arms-and-shirt, of course. You make a lot of noise while doing it, too, lots of “Aaahhhhhhhhh”s and high-pitched “shreeeeeee”s. You haven’t really figured out any consonants yet, but you make quite varied use of vowels and raspberries. My favorite is when you hang over my arms, half roll over so your head is hanging back, and then you smile up at me, reaching out to touch my face. And then you blow a raspberry, just because you can.

I admit, I am always cuddling and kissing you. I can’t help it. You feel so good in my arms, so warm and firm and real, and I want to permanently imprint this feeling into my skin. You already feel so different than you used to, and already I am forgetting exactly how it was. So, yes, I kiss you a lot. I nibble on your cheeks and you open your mouth wide and laugh and laugh. Now when I lean my face close to yours you half-close your eyes, open your mouth, and lean forward to press your mouth against my cheek, returning my kisses.

At night you sleep in my arms, though you are learning to sleep alone, too. But it is not something I do just for you, not something I do begrudgingly. I love your closeness, I love your warmth. I love how you turn towards me and wiggle closer. I love nursing you as you drift off to sleep (though I don’t love the way you are grabbing my boobs, please stop that). And in the morning when you finally kick me awake I turn my head and open my sleepy eyes to see you watching me, see your face break out a terrific smile just for me. And then I pull you close and tickle you and we lounge and play as you giggle and roll and greet the day with gusto. (I wish I had your gusto. I still hate mornings.)

I am torn between wanting to remember exactly how you felt as a newborn, eagerly looking forward to seeing who you grow up to be, and wanting to freeze you exactly as you are. Things certainly change quickly, but I love the new just as much as the old.

There are not enough words to say how much I have loved the last six months. It’s not just that the past several years feel worth it to arrive here finally, but that a part of me was born for this, waiting all these years of my life for you to come along. You are my life’s joy.

I love you, today and forever.

Mama

OMG what a day I have had. Actually, two days.

Monday, the day of her half-birthday, she celebrated by being an utter bear. It was a very whiny, clingy day. Which I can handle as long as she sleeps. I figured since she was being so clingy I would skip trying to put her on our bed and instead just let her sleep on me. That didn’t even work. She was tired, and cranky, and just got more tired and cranky, and nothing I did soothed her or got her to sleep… all of my usual tools exhausted, along with my patience and sanity. I finally took a page from Den’s rulebook and loaded her into the carseat, snapped it on the stroller, and took her and my dog for a walk. Kate quickly fell fast asleep and slept so soundly and for so long that when I got back to the house I just parked her by the front door and cleaned out my truck. At least I accomplished something useful.

(Yes we still use the carseat on the stroller, even though we don’t need to. I like looking at her, it’s easier to keep the sun out of her eyes with the carseat sunshade, and I can tuck her in all warm and snug to sleep. I realized, however, that her in her carseat is a shitload heavier than she used to be.)

When Den got home to watch her while I went to work I practically fled. I returned 4 hours later to hear that she’d been clingy, but slept fine on him. I settled with her for the evening while Den went out and… same damn thing again. Crying and crying. No sleeping.

She went to bed just fine, slept soundly as usual at night, until midnight as Den and I were just settling in to sleep. There was a loud noise, a very distinctive noise. A poopy noise. “Did she just do that?!” I exclaimed. 30 seconds later Kate was whimpering and waking up, wondering why the hell she had a poopy butt. I was wondering the same thing.

Tuesday did not bode well from the beginning. Our water heater broke, so while we do have heat (yay) we do not have hot water (crap). I had my annual gyno exam in the morning (sweet!) and Kate had her 6 month appointment in the afternoon. Plus I had to take her into work to finish my stuff I didn’t get done on Monday – a weekly occurrence now, but it just wasn’t good timing. Why the hell did I book an appointment for Tuesday? Ugh.

Surprisingly my appointment and hers both went very well. She flirted with the midwives and stared quizzically as one of them did my breast exam. She napped on me just fine, I actually had to wake her up to take her to her own appointment. That, too, went well. While waiting for the doctor to come in she was trying to roll and spin circles on the exam table, blowing bubbles and grabbing the paper table liner. She got two shots today and only cried very briefly, stopping as soon as I picked her up, then flirted with the receptionist as I checked out. At work she was great too – understandably whiny when I kept putting her down to try to do things, but she loves playing with my coworkers and it’s a new place to explore. Unfortunately with her now rolling she’s starting to roll towards the cats (I work at a rescue sanctuary) so I’m going to have to bring in a pack’n’play to keep her contained.

In order to get my work done I use the kozy. When she’s awake I either let her play with a coworker, if someone’s not busy, or she plays with her toys on the floor beside me while I work. When she’s sleepy I’ve learned to put her in a back carry in the kozy (using the couch to get her on – works like a charm!) and that’s when I do my inventory/lifting/moving things around. She sleeps quite well that way. But. Today I didn’t have help lifting things, I did it myself. It’s been a long time since I did, plus I had Kate on my back. Three cases of cat food at a time, that’s roughly 24lbs I’m lifting. Kate’s now 14lbs, so that’s 38lbs. Plus I can’t bend over when I’m wearing her so I have to squat. Squatting nearly 40lbs. Ouuccchhhhh. And it takes me 2-3 times as long to get things done, so I didn’t get home until 7. Ugh.

Oh did I mention I got a flu shot today at my appointment? I never get flu shots, at least not until I was pregnant with Kate. My arm hurts.

All of this leading to tonight. Kate went down and slept okay for a while, but then I woke up aching all over. My arm hurts from the shot, my legs hurt from the lifting, my back and neck hurt from carrying Kate all day. I just couldn’t lay there anymore, I needed to get up, use a hot pack, and take some tylenol. And Kate would NOT let me get up. Every time I tried she’d whimper and flail and wake up. I’d nurse her back to sleep again. Her fist kept clenching and unclenching, over and over, indicating that she just wasn’t sinking into a deep sleep. She just stayed there right at the edge. After an hour of this I finally gave up, woke Den up and told him to please try to keep her asleep somehow, and got up. Of course that failed. 10 minutes later I hear from the bedroom Kate “talking” in a very wide-awake voice. Normally at that point I’d go to bed and nurse her to sleep and stay asleep, I never get her out of bed in the middle of the night unless something is wrong… I highly encourage sleeping all night long! But tonight I just couldn’t… could not. And that’s why she was playing in her exersaucer at 2am.

15 minutes later there’s a terrific sound from the exersaucer, the sound of pants being filled. Over and over again. When I think she’s done I go over to inspect and find the diaper blew out the sides and top. What the hell? Second night in a row of a poopy diaper at night? She hasn’t done that in months! But it did explain why she wasn’t falling asleep very well.

I am tired. I ache all over. I don’t even have any hot water to take a bath (which would be SO GREAT right now). I got Kate back to sleep but she woke up 10 minutes later whining for me yet again… I nursed her and then woke Den up to please please cuddle her and keep her asleep. Please. She needs sleep and I need… well, drugs or alchohol would be lovely, but since I can’t really have either I’ll settle for a heat pack and some hot chocolate.

Maybe she’s teething – she still has no teeth. Maybe it’s a growth spurt. Maybe it’s just one of those weeks. I don’t know.

This year we definitely have so much to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving with Kate was such a fun, low-key event. There was no wince at the “giving thanks,” there was no wanting to hide in corners, there was no feeling of suffocation at being around people. It was a smaller gathering, too, which I think was nice.

It was a lot of fun seeing Kate with her cousins now that everyone is growing up a little. I marveled at how big she looked, sitting on the floor playing with toys with her 2 and a half year old cousin. Thankfully BabyH was polite in gently taking the toys back after Kate reached out and snagged them! Or else she would just look at me and say, “That’s my toy?” It’s going to get very interesting when Kate is old enough to walk and follow her around! We also got a picture of Kate with the two baby twins, who are now 4 months old and looking very healthy! Funny enough I think they are now passing her in weight. Kate managed to grab one of them from behind as we were getting the picture, setting off some tears. Yes, I think it’ll be a fun bunch as they grow up together.

Tonight Den and I went on our first date night, the first time Kate has been left with a babysitter. She’s at an age where she loves to play, she’s not the least bit shy, she takes a bottle just fine… the only worry was sleep, since she’ll only sleep on someone unless she nurses to sleep. Thankfully Den’s sister has experience with needy babies. Unfortunately our dinner was disappointing for how much we spent on it, but we got to watch Harry Potter. As we walked into the theater I said to Den, “We get to watch a whole movie without hitting pause even once!” Tee hee. That being said, it was a nice evening but not a fantastic we-absolutely-have-to-do-this evening. I know some parents feel like they HAVE to get out without the baby.

We got home to a very happy baby, which just made my day. She did only nap for 30 minutes on her auntie, but that was enough. She was shrieking and laughing and grabbing at her toys. They apparently had a great time together, what a relief! She seemed to be thrilled to see us home, too. Not relieved that we were finally home, but it was like she was just busting at the seams and had to tell us all about it. She squealed, shrieked and giggled for a solid 2 hours after we got home, until she finally lost steam and passed out at the boob at 11:30. I tried putting her to bed before then, but she just rolled all over the place and loudly played with her toys.

She just stuns me with how active she is now. She rolls everywhere, back and forth and back and forth. On her belly she can spin in circles to change direction or reach something. If something falls out of reach she’s rolling back and forth, wiggling forward a tiny bit at a time. She’s trying to scoot forward using her toes, but it’s not all that successful yet. Soon, though. When sitting, which she does a lot now, she used to faceplant if she leaned too far forward reaching for a toy. Yesterday I noticed she’s started using one hand to prop herself up while she reaches with the other hand, keeping herself from toppling over. She’s keeping her balance much much better.

She’s also realized that computers are fun. Her favorite thing right now is on KneeBouncers, the music-maker. She gets wicked excited, flapping her arms and then leaning forward to bang on my keyboard. She sometimes likes to watch videos, but her attention span isn’t that great right now. She needs to be grabbing/banging/eating things for it to be interesting. I ended up getting one of our old computer keyboards to let her smash on it for a while. Me, being such a geek as I am, am planning to reformat my old laptop (it needs it, badly) and then installing some stuff and a kid browser on it for her. When she’s playing on my computer I get worried she’s going to accidentally pop a key off or something. I don’t care if that happens with the old one. ;)