There is something about Halloween that doesn’t seem quite right to me. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, exactly, but I know I keep thinking about Devin. Graves and ghosts and horror all take on a different meaning when you have lived through a horror story, when a grave marks the body of your child. I pass houses that have fake graveyards in front of their house and I frown. Not that I think it is wrong that they do that, but I see it from a different perspective now.

Two years ago a local mother and child were killed while trick or treating on a street not too far from here. For two years there have been flowers and candles on a tree beside the road. I  used to pass it almost every dayand always my eyes would look to see what was new on the tree, and to think about that family. My heart clenches every time. I wonder about how the husband is. I wonder what the family is doing this halloween.

Many years ago, when I was a teenager living with my parents, my mom came in my room on halloween night, crying, to tell me that one of her close friends sons had died. On a hayride on a farm, of all things – he had fallen off. Every Halloween I used to think about him briefly, but since Devin died I think about him a lot, and about his family.

This year was a little different, this year we had Kate. We dressed her in costume for some outings. I even carved a pumpkin while she watched. I am sure as the years go by our Halloweens will include more kids activities, more fun and silly scary things. I wonder, though, if I will ever see a gravestone and not think about the real ghosts that hang around in the back of my thoughts.

It seems that I write much better when I have something bad going on in my life. The last 5 months have been going very well so when I pull up this screen to write something I feel like I’m just repeating myself.

I’ve been irritated by things lately, but since they mostly involve other people, I can’t/won’t write about them in a public space like my blog. And that irritates me, too. All these things bouncing around in my head and nowhere to let them out!

The other reason I haven’t been posting much is because I’ve been feeling super sensitive for quite a while now. I realize my hormones are still in flux and probably will be for a while – I can’t really think of any other reason that I’d be this sensitive for such an extended period (since I was pregnant). Posting about anything of interest to me tends to be somewhat controversial and I feel like it leaves me open, makes me jittery. That’s not what this space is supposed to be about for me. And it’s not just my blog, either, it’s everything. I’ve been nervous about talking to friends, acquaintances, family. I’m nervous about hurting other peoples’ feelings, and nervous about getting mine hurt without the other person even intending to. It’s just a sucky feeling. I wish I just didn’t care so much… either that I didn’t care about getting hurtful comments, or that I didn’t care about a subject to the point where I didn’t feel a need to comment.

Thank goodness the election is over – now we can stop watching those stupid ads on TV. I’m momentarily feeling a little more zen about politics in this country, though it’s probably only momentary. I have no idea how a country with such diametrically opposed political views ever manages to get anything done. The more I learn about history the more it seems obvious that it will just keep swinging back and forth between the two parties. I can’t spent too much time thinking about it or I’ll get all fatalistic about it.

I find I am always trying to figure out what the line is, where the ideal is, between respecting other people and sharing my own beliefs. I find that over the last few years I’ve started understanding that what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for other people – and that’s okay. It’s hard to be okay with sometimes. It stems from insecurity, wondering if what I’m doing really is the best thing for me, worrying about being judged. I find that it takes a very strong person to be confident in yourself and your own choices while at the same time fully supporting other people in theirs.

Take breastfeeding. I chose to breastfeed, and I love it – I wouldn’t choose any other way for myself. But I also don’t think formula is the devil, that it will cause kids to be less intelligent, or that parents who feed formula are doing a bad thing. Sometimes I feel sad that a mother isn’t getting to experience the joy in nursing that I do, but then not every woman who nurses feels that same joy anyways. But at the same time I do want to encourage new mothers to nurse, if they have that option. I think it does have benefits and I want to make sure to give encouragement so that someone who is on the fence about it has the tools and support they need to give it a try and hopefully succeed. Plus I would love to see this country move towards more of a breastfeeding norm so that people don’t think it’s weird or shocking to breastfeed in public, or past a year, or at all. (I was really quite shocked when I was pregnant at how many people actually scoffed and laughed at me for stating I was going to breastfeed. But in this culture we’re in right now it’s seen as a really hard, probably-not-achievable thing.)

Or how about natural birth and epidurals. I had good births, and I hope my third one is the same. But the more I learn and talk with others the more I realize that my births are unusually easy. I do think that labor can be a beautiful, wonderful thing to one person, and definitely not to another. Women should be able to choose how they want to handle it, if they want that epidural and IV or not. Though I do think women should know that can cause labor to slow down, pushing to be longer, and does have some possible side-effects such as a spinal headache or being completely numb instead of just dulled. Does that mean every woman who gets an epidural will have that list of things happen? Of course not. I have heard many women speak fondly of their labor-with-an-epidural experience and had it end in a very nice vaginal birth, as planned. But I have also heard women speak of getting one of those side-effects and saying, “I didn’t know that was possible.” At least if you know the information you can choose for yourself.

Those two topics are of course very near and dear to my heart, but it doesn’t stop there and it certainly isn’t limited to baby topics. Every day we live our life we make choices, like what type of car to buy (SUV? Minivan? Used? Brand new?) or what type of food to eat (organic? local? frozen meals? artifical sweeteners?). Where does the baby sleep, when will you start solids, what type of diapers to use, will you keep pets in the house, will you turn on cartoons, will they take a pacifier, will they play with all those plastic lights-and-music toys? Will you see an RE or not? Will you do IUI? IVF? Adopt? Every day we make choices. Other people make different ones. What works for one person may not work for another, and that’s okay. I recognize, however, that the choices we make, the way we speak about our opinions and the way we live our lives all have an effect on other people. Maybe you talking with your friends about how you chose to make your own baby food spurred a friend to look into it themselves. Maybe your recounting of your rough no-epidural-labor confirmed another friend’s decision to get an epidural the moment she walks in the hospital door. Maybe seeing you breastfeeding your baby made a stranger think about giving it a try next time, or encourages a mother to breastfeed in public too.

I try to be respectful, I try not to be pushy. I try to listen. Sometimes I fail – I have been known to be grouchy and spiteful, especially when provoked. I’m working on that. I can look back at the last ten years and see how much I’ve matured. I remember as a teenager seeing things as absolutes. If I’ve learned anything it’s that everything is gray-toned.

I am back from the RESOLVE Conference! I got to listen to some truly fascinating talks about various IVF topics, and I got to meet the fabulous Mel! (Photo will be forthcoming, when she sends me a copy. She’s presumably unpacking.) I’ll write more about the topics later when I go through my notes.

I didn’t sleep much at all last night because I was nervous about waking up on time, driving that distance and finding the conference center, and leaving Kate for 12 hours. Mostly I was nervous about her suddenly deciding she is ravenous and going through all the milk I left in the freezer. We don’t usually use more than a bottle or two a week, so I don’t keep very much in the freezer – all week I’ve been pumping extra to make sure I had extra. So wouldn’t you know it, I arrived at the hotel with a stomach-ache and a headache, probably both from anxiety! But I made it on time and didn’t get lost. It was a miracle.

I brought my big diaper-tote-bag in order to carry the electric pump around with me and not have it be totally obvious like Hey, I’m totally breastfeeding my cute little baby! At lunch I asked someone if there was somewhere I could go. The coat closet wasn’t being used – a pretty big room, totally empty, and it even had a chair, an electric plug, and a lock on the door. I was so thrilled it was so easy! So I got set up and sat there thinking about Kate and wondering how she’s doing. And then… the door opened. Apparently I locked it, but it didn’t latch when I closed it. A lady stared at me in shock, looked around the room and stuttered “Oh! I’m sorry!!” and she shut the door. Here I am sitting there with my shirt pulled up, the pump cones on my boobs like an extremely unfortunate Madonna costume, and the machine is going Thhhp thhhp thhhp. I just kind of froze thinking, oh this is great.

I’m still sitting there thinking about how embarassing that was when I hear the door handle again. The door opens for a second time, a different woman, this time holding keys. “I’m sorry…” was all I could say. She poked her head in, looked around while saying something like, “I just have to get…” and then stopped when she apparently realized it wasn’t in there – whatever it was. Then she says to me politely – and fairly composed, considering the state of me – “I could get you a room?” I thanked her and said I was almost done anyways. And smiled as if there was nothing weird going on.

Now I have nursed in public many times at this point. Sometimes with a screaming child, sometimes with a mischievous child who nursed until let down then leans back to see the world. I have probably flashed people my nipple, and I know a couple of times a fine spray of milk went everywhere. But that is nothing compared to how awkward it feels to be seen pumping. It’s just so dairy-cow like.

So that was my laugh of the day. At this point I just shrug and say, “Meh!” But I think that woman may be traumatized for life.

In some of my online groups of babies born in May of this year there are girls already pregnant again. There is still that stab of jealousy that people actually get pregnant when they want to (or don’t!), but then I feel a flash of something I don’t recognize. Wait, I know… relief. Thank goodness it’s not me! I think about how sick I get in the first trimester, how tired I am, how careful I try to be… and then I think of the little girl I have in my arms. I’m not ready to take away from her even a bit of my time or attention yet. We finally have what we have strived so long for and I really just want to sit with it in peace and joy for a while, to not complicate it. Plus I think it’s kind of nice having my body to myself for a little bit – no injections, no tests, no bladder pressure, no nausea or heartburn. Okay, yes, I am breastfeeding, but that’s not the same.

In fact, breastfeeding is one of the big reasons that I don’t want to start trying again anytime soon. The breastfeeding relationship I have with Kate is so very special to me, it is upsetting to think about weaning her before we’re both ready. I did some research and it definitely sounds like weaning is required – or at least highly recommended – before doing IVF. Nursing *may* reduce pregnancy rates, and obviously you don’t want to do anything to compromise a cycle. So I know I will have to wean her before cycling, and that makes me very sad. My therapist very wisely pointed out that it’s a hard decision to make, but that I’ll be hopefully giving Kate a sibling. I’ll have to decide what timing is right, which is more important.

The spacing we’re aiming at is 2 1/2 years between children. We are tentatively planning on returning to the RE to cycle again at the end of next year, when Kate is a year and a half old. That just feels so soon. Next year! Den waffles between, “It’s up to you, don’t rush into anything if you don’t want to,” and, “I’ll be 45 years old, I don’t have years to waste!” At this point I figure by the time another year has gone by I’ll hopefully be ready. So, tentative plans.

Which is why I’m so interested in IVF topics, why I went to the conference this past weekend. I kept my mouth shut about already having had a baby, I know how hard that can be for people to hear, even if Kate and Devin are both products of many IVF cycles. I avoided any kind of “intro to IVF” type sessions, for obvious reasons. The best thing about these conferences is not just information – you can get information ad infinitum online and from peer groups – it’s the direct contact with the doctors. I got to learn about the newest theories behind embryo grading from an Embryologist. I heard all about In-Vitro Maturation from the doctor who has been at the forefront of IVM and runs one of the only labs in this part of the country that offers it. And then everyone in the room got to ask questions of the doctors and talk directly with them. “What would you do in this situation?” “Do you agree with my doctor’s reasoning for this protocol?” “Would this new technique you mentioned be of use to this type of patient?” I really feel like there is no substitute for this kind of interaction. Nowhere else can you sit down with a group of REs and PhDs and pick their brains. Nowhere else can I get the same kind of feel for the newest technologies, protocols and theories.

The first session I went to was about treating low responders and low ovarian reserve. I am obviously not a low responder, but I get very few embryos, like low responders do, so I had hoped that they would have information that could be of use to me. Unfortunately mostly what I learned was that the poor quality embryos that result from a person with low ovarian reserve is not at all comparable to the embryos that I get after my crappy fertilization results. The session was very good for the women who deal with that problem, however.

The next session I went to was a “journey through the IVF lab” – exactly what they do, what they’re looking for in the follicles, the eggs, the embryos, and how they do what they do in the lab. This one was truly excellent and while we ran over time everyone in the room had so many more questions. I really think they could have stretched that one into a full day session and we would still have wanted more!

After lunch I attended the session all about In-Vitro Maturation, which was very informative. IVM, for those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, involves retrieving all your eggs in an immature state, without going through stims, then maturing them all in the lab. This is great for PCOS patients who severely hyper-stim, or other patients who have some other reason for wanting or needing to avoid putting their body through the stress of stims. They also use it for cancer patients who want to preserve their fertility and need to do it quickly before their treatment. Unfortunately for me, there are two main take-away thoughts from this session. First, that the technology still doesn’t produce the success rates that normal IVF cycles do, the body does tend to do a better job of things though they are getting better and better at achieving egg maturation in the lab. Second, he was very clear that in order for IVM to work the eggs need to be retrieved early enough in the cycle. Which means that for people like me who end up with a shit-ton of immature eggs after stims and retrieval, their IVM techniques will likely not help those eggs. Bugger. (His reasoning, which is based on data he showed us in some charts, is that at a certain point in a cycle, roughly halfway through stims, there seems to be a point where eggs get “programmed” to either be mature and healthy or be immature and die. In a normal cycle only one egg of the antral group will end up being mature and released, while the rest all die off; the studies seem to indicate that this is a factor even in IVF cycles where a much larger portion of the eggs end up mature.)

The last session of the day I went to was a split session between an Acupuncturist and a Dietitian, both who specialize in working with IVF patients. The acupuncturist was interesting. I saw an acupuncturist during my last stims cycle (the one that ended up getting me pregnant with Kate). It’s a tough subject for me, because in some ways it does make sense and it seemed to help… but on the other hand some things they talk about, like judging your body condition by your pulse, just seems a little bit weird and far-fetched. I am on the fence about spending the money to do acupuncture the next time around. I had hoped that this session would tip me in one direction or the other, but it didn’t. I’m still squarely on the fence. I’d like to say the dietitian gave good info, but honestly I started blurring out most of it – there were a lot of graphs about proteins and genetics and probabilities in sample groups and not a whole lot of summarizing of these unintelligible details. I think the only thing I really took away from that is that there’s a reason I’m not a dietitian.

I have a few questions jotted down to ask my RE whenever I go back. Whatever we end up doing, I remain fascinated by it all and I have a drive to understand what exactly my body is doing. Especially since I saw two other women at the conference who mentioned having the same results as I do: highly sensitive to stims, lots of follicles, lots of eggs, very few embryos. It does not appear to me to be as rare as I initially thought it was. I wish there was more information out there, more resources. I may have to start putting together something.

I think we say the same thing every week: She’s learning so much and becoming such a little person and is she ever fun at this age! I loved the newborn stage, I really did. I loved her little sleepy smiles and her sweet little cuddles and how small and perfect she was. But now it’s like she’s just exploding with personality and joy. I’m constantly amazed by her.

On Wednesday we were at one of our playgroups and one of the other little girls her same age was sitting up. “Wow,” I said. “Kate’s not sitting yet.” Two days later she made a liar out of me and just started sitting without needing me to hold her. She toppled over easily but it’s amazing how quickly she’s adapting her balance. Her core strength is definitely way better than it was just a week or two ago when she kept sagging forwards. Now she leans forward to grab a toy and sits right up straight again. She is very pleased with herself over this, and has taken to sitting there, banging a toy onto the ground and screeching with joy. Of course I have to sit right there spotting her the entire time, even with the boppy around her to catch her when she falls (or, as she is also apt to do, throws herself backwards). I got some pictures of her sitting, but when I grabbed the video camera she managed to fall forwards right over her toes and clunked her head on the floor. That video clip got deleted. Sheesh.

She’s learning to play peek-a-boo. She quickly caught on to us reacting when she is “revealed” and started pulling her blanket up over her own head. It’s freakin adorable the way she holds her arms straight up over her head (they barely go higher than her head!), the blanket pulled tight across her face. Then she dramatically pulls it down, grins, and waits for our appropriate response of “Boo!” Then she laughs and does it again.

One of her favorite games, especially in the evening when she’s more cuddly than usual, is sitting on my belly while I lay on the couch. She leans back against my knees and babbles and sucks her fingers. Then she puts her arms up, her eyes twinkle, and she leans forward to flop onto my chest where she buries her face against my shirt. I then wrap my arms around her and say “NOM NOM NOM!” while kissing her cheek and she laughs hysterically – which causes me to laugh, then she laughs even harder. Then she suddenly stops and struggles to sit up again, playing with her fingers until she flops down onto me again for more kisses and laughter. Oh my god it just kills me! The way she looks at me so impishly, the way she flings herself into my arms, the way she laughs. It is the best damn thing in the world.

She’s really starting to show that she recognizes Den and I. She’s a happy, friendly, outgoing girl, but she just lights up when she sees one of us walk in the room. It’s a great feeling.

I haven’t mentioned her sleep lately because she’s been doing awesome. I’m so glad this month has not been a repeat of last month… from 4 to 5 months old it was just a mess of frustration. Then suddenly it all clicked again and it’s great. I can now put her down at her bed time and stay up for several hours all by myself, like I am now. She’s no longer fighting naps, though they’re not always as long as I would like them to be – I’ve started having her nap on my chest on the couch again, just so she gets a really good nap in while I watch some TV.

She’s also sleeping for Den again! This is huge, because it means there’s no more screaming fits while I’m out. He hasn’t been able to get her to sleep on the bed yet, but he has managed to get her to sleep in her pack-n-play, a feat that I can’t even manage to do. So I guess it’s true, even though with me she needs to nurse, they have figured out their own methods of doing things that works for them. She stays happy, he stays happy, and I get to go out guilt-free. I’ve come home a few times and, when I ask how it went, Den beams and says, “We had so much fun!!” He’s an awesome daddy. Kate adores him, and he’s utterly smitten. He feeds her bottles, he changes her, he plays games with her. I often find him laying on the floor in her room with her beside him while they both shriek and giggle. Saturday while I was gone he even took her with him on their first outing without me, he had a retirement party to go to. He packed his (black, boring) diaper bag, dressed her, got her to nap in the truck on the way. He said she had a great time, everyone commented on what a happy baby she is.

(That coat is a hand-me-down from Devin – it was one of the things I splurged on for him, one of the things I just couldn’t bear to pack up. It makes me happy to see her in it, but a little sad, too.)

It has been a very busy weekend. We are not the type of parents who cannot or will not go places with their baby – Kate has certainly gotten to see a lot of things in her short life so far. This weekend alone we helped friends move (well Den helped, I played with Kate), went bowling, ate dinner at a restaurant, and spent some time visiting with family. She did wonderfully, as usual. She really seems to thrive on activity and people. Of course she has her limits and we duck out early if she needs us to, but she does remarkably well. She seems to very much be an extrovert, which is the exact opposite of me. I have these horrible flashbacks to my childhood (I was the introvert, my mother the extrovert) and how badly we clashed and misunderstood each other. I hope I can do better by her.

She naps while out either in the car, in the mei tai, or just flat out sprawled on my chest, and it’s enough to get her through. Unfortunately she tends to not nap quite long enough, so evenings have been a little hairy around here. You’d think she’d crash early and sleep soundly, but instead she’s fidgety and wakes up at 9pm for playtime before bed. Although part of that is a need for floor time – while we’re out she doesn’t spend much time on the floor (obviously, since we’re out in public and eewww). So the past two nights when she’s refusing to go back to sleep at 9 or 10pm we just got her up and let her play on the bed with us. She was like the rolling energiser bunny. She only continually rolls in one direction so I’d put her on one side of the bed and she’d roll all the way to the other side into the wall, and continue to keep rolling even though the laws of physics when it comes to walls and babies are pretty much constant. So I’d move her down to the other side of the bed and let her go again. It was like one of those wind-up cars kids play with. It took about half an hour of that (and the giggles, oh my gosh the flirting and blowing bubbles and grabbing books and giggles!) before she was truly ready to go to bed for the night.

When we went out to dinner, which we haven’t done in quite a long time (we usually prefer to go out for breakfast), we looked over at the highchairs they had – wooden with just a couple of straps – and debated to ourselves about whether or not she could handle it. We decided to try it. And holy shit, she did fine! I’m just amazed at how quickly she’s figuring out sitting up since that day it clicked for her. Just a few days later and she’s getting quite good at adjusting her balance so she doesn’t topple over. Even when she does fall she’s learning how to curl up and roll down slowly instead of slamming towards the floor with her head. I appreciate that.

She seemed to be getting a cold at the end of last week – her nose was runny and she was getting congested. I braced myself for a bad week ahead, but it never bothered her much and already seems to be on the downside, she doesn’t sound quite as bad as she did. I’m giving thanks that her sleep hasn’t been messed up by it, other than her being a little clingier than usual – she wants me to stay with her, it takes me 4 tries to get her to sleep on her own right now. (Very frustrating, when I’m trying to get something done!)

A few months ago I wrote out a list of all the signs I thought would be useful for Kate to learn and started using some of them day-to-day. But then I stopped doing it because she was too young to notice. I’ve just realized that Kate is nearly 6 months old! She’s certainly old enough to start learning them now, I need to start making an effort to show her signs, starting with “milk.” Today for the first time she looked at my hand with interest as I made the sign for milk before nursing her. Hmmm, I can hear the gears turning in there.

Who took my baby and replaced her with a monkey? No really. She’s always been a baby in motion, but now I’m all like, Would you stop kicking and clawing me and just settle down and eat?!” I have no issues being a jungle gym. I also have no issues being a milk bar. I do, however, have issues with being both simultaneously.

She’s also flailing around a lot when I am trying to get her to sleep by nursing her laying down, something that used to work like a charm. It’s been so frustrating lately – and naps so short – that for the last week I’ve been having her nap on my chest while I watch TV. (To be honest I don’t mind at all… I really really love the sleep snuggles I get.) And when she finally does settle down and fall asleep she’s rousing and flailing every single time I try moving away from her. So last night I tilted her towards her stomach instead of her back…. and she slept. I think she just craves some firm pressure against her front in order to sleep – that’s how she sleeps on me on the couch, in the carrier, and in the bed. She’s been a rolling fiend lately, rolling across the room repeatedly, so I have no fears about her getting stuck on her tummy if she doesn’t want to be. The only hard part about this is that if she’s not fully asleep when I gently roll her from her side to her front she wakes up and cries because in her head laying on her belly on something other than mommy means playtime. Oi.

You know what’s frustrating? I think of these awesome topics while I’m doing things like driving the car, or giving Kate a bath, or laying in bed nursing her. Then, hours and/or days later I open up my blog and I stare at the screen. I type two words and then the dog causes something to go crash, my husband comes home, or the baby wakes up, or I get an email from work, and now those two words make no sense to me at all anymore. And that idea? I had an idea? Wait, what? I used to be able to write. I used to write a lot. Now I’m just trying to make sure I keep up with my little notes in my text file and emails to my mom.

And the phone? I admit, I’ve always had issues with phones. Always, from the time I was a little kid. I was most certainly not that youngling answering the phone when she shouldn’t be, I remember my mom practically yelling at me to get me to call people (to say thank you, or to ask a question, or whatever). The phone issues were getting better as I grew up these last 10 years. I still would avoid some calls that would set off my anxiety for unknown reasons, but I was pretty good about making appointments and such. Now? Ha. Well first of all, Kate was always either awake and needing to be held (and no, I do not multi-task well) or asleep on me and the sound of my voice would wake her up. Now she’s in the If I see it it must be mine! stage and I spend the entire phone call with my mom juggling Kate on one arm while she shrieks happily and reaches out for the phone. Sometimes I put her down to play, which she’s good at, but it never fails that the moment I try to hold a conversation on the phone she starts crying or shrieking or something. The time I get to myself to do things is from 10 until Midnight – no phone calls can be made during those hours. So now my phone anxiety is back up again and I beg for people to please text or email me.

See, if though Kate’s asleep right now I still am all discombobulated trying to do three things at once. I wrote those two paragraphs and then flipped over to something else and now have lost my train of thought. No, wait… I didn’t have one to start with.

::

Since having Kate I joined a local moms group just for the socialization aspect, something to do during the day and people to get to know. It’s kind of funny, I think I’m more social now than I ever was before. I still would probably stay home most days, if it weren’t for little miss bright-eyes getting bored with that. Last night I took Kate with me to an evening gathering. She has a late bedtime so staying out until 10 isn’t a huge problem with us as it is with other families with babies. She does get a little clingy in the evening – much more mellow than her usual shrieking, bouncing self – but even so she let some of the other mommies hold her for a while. When she got whiny I took her and she layed her head on my shoulder… but still leaned back to watch everyone with serious eyes.

The girls commented that I seem very relaxed for a first-time mom. I’m not sure what triggered the comment, as there was nothing of note that happened. Maybe me passing Kate around, maybe the way I repeatedly picked her paci off the floor to simply brush it off and pop it back in again, or maybe just the fact that I was there with her at 10pm instead of fretting about bed times. It’s not the first time someone has mentioned to me that I’m an easy-going mama. It actually makes me giggle a little. Me, easy-going. Not something I ever would have expected with my personality.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I just don’t care about the small things. If she spits up on her clothes or puts toys in her mouth or leans forward and bonks her head on the wall… it’s all okay. I don’t judge my life’s success by a clean floor or how long she naps. I think that’s definitely a side-effect of the losses we’ve been through. Is Kate injured? No? We’re all good.

On the flip side things like car safety are very important to me. I cannot for the life of me understand parents who don’t bother to correctly strap their child into a carseat. I probably make Kate a little uncomfortable with how snug I pull her straps every time, but she only fusses momentarily. She wears only light fleece jackets when in the seat. And I plan to keep her rear-facing until she is 3 or 4 years old. The idea of getting into an accident isn’t just a hazy maybe, it’s something that could very well happen tomorrow. I will do everything I possibly can to make sure that she is as safe as possible.

When Kate was just starting to go to bed before me I would get irritated with Den when he said he was going to bed. It was hard enough getting her to fall asleep and stay asleep after I crept out, I didn’t want him going in and disturbing her. He snores sometimes. And she sleeps on our bed – she’s at the far side from him, 4 feet of space in between, but I don’t want his turning over to disturb her.

I am recently realizing that she sleeps far better when he’s asleep in there too. The last few nights have been incredibly frustrating to me, she’s been waking and crying for me 5 or 6 times after I put her to sleep, I have to keep going back in over and over. I was ready to tear my hair out! Well Friday and Saturday nights Den stays up late, as he doesn’t have work in the morning. This evening I put her to bed early and has to go pacify her multiple times. Then Den went to bed and… silence. I sometimes hear a snore from him, I hear the lullabies playing, but not a sound from Kate. That can’t be coincidence.

Last night Den was gone overnight. Other than the pain of trying to get her to sleep while I stayed up a while it was a glorious night. I would nurse her, then move to Den’s side of the bed and happily sleep on my belly all splayed out, my favored sleeping pose. Kate slept just fine, rousing every once in a while for a nurse and a cuddle, but nothing much else. Once I even remember her opening her eyes, lifting her head slightly, then flopping back down and falling right back asleep. I think she was checking to see if one of us was still there with her.

Of course she does still have a little bit of a stuffed nose, noticeable only when she lays down to sleep. That could have something to do with the crummy going-to-bed, too.