You know what I recently realized? Devin’s 6-month birthday comes only days after my own birthday. Suck suck suck. And here I thought my birthday was going to be a bad one in any case, without considering the timing issue on top. I think I’m just going to pretend it doesn’t exist.

This is the first year, ever, that my birthday makes me really upset. And it’s not because of the age. It’s simply that, for many months, I really believed I’d be celebrating this year with a baby. Turning a year older, now, means absolutely nothing to me but a reminder of where I am not.

::

I am sorry I have had little more to say recently, and it’s not because I have been holed up in my bed sobbing for days. I have actually been working… a lot. For the first time in my life I find it preferable to spend my entire concious day working, then coming home and watching some olympics before going to bed. This week I’ve had the dubious pleasure of shaving some cats, microchipping some cats, filling out a ton of adoption and intake paperwork, etc. Life at a sanctuary is fun. It’s certainly unique. As Den said to me the other day, “Not many people come home and say, ‘I shaved three cats today at work.'”

This seems to be a very good time to immerse myself in work, because we are in the middle of a big transition and there is a ton to be done… and much stress to be shared. I seem to be the only one not affected by the stress flying around between my coworkers… I simply have a very different perspective on the whole thing. Okay, so we don’t get this paperwork to print by that date. So? We get it done the next day. We’ll deal. So the others are stressing and I am just plugging along. I really enjoy working on paperwork and systems. Busy work. I really really enjoy busy work.

So life hasn’t really been bad lately. It hasn’t been good, either. It just… is. Tomorrow I have an adoption clinic to go to, to help my boss, and then I prepare for my first day of training on Monday. I’m already having nightmares about that… the same stupid shit, I dream that I woke up late, or that I forgot and showed up on the wrong day, or whatever. How irritating. How come I got to skip all the cool pregnancy dreams, but get vivid crappy ones when not pregnant?

Life right now is a dog chewing on something at my feet and a cat curled around my neck. How can you feel bad with a cat purring in your ear?

Please go over and give a new friend of mine some support at her blog, Hot Mama Bear. She lost her baby just 3 weeks ago and has started a blog to help work through it. I know how wonderful this community can be, and I hope she finds some comfort here in blogland.

Remembering Sally Ann. The world is a darker place without her spirit here with us, with her parents where she belongs.

First day of work – orientation – is tomorrow. I am nervous, but not freaking-out nervous. I have my clothes layed out, new shampoo and soap ready for an early-morning shower, my paperwork in a folder beside my purse. I’m ready to go. I just keep telling myself it’ll be like a fun class – I get to learn something new. And they pay me for it.

This is also the start of my 3-month countdown. One foot in front of the other.

The hardest part about this week is that I have NO idea what my schedule is looking like. My orientation is the “figure out what days I’ll be coming in for training” day, so until tomorrow I’m completely clueless as to what they need/expect. It has made it very difficult to make any kind of appointments or plans for work or shopping or anything at all really. And that is hard on me, mentally. I hate not knowing. I hate leaving things to chance. But so far I’ve been okay with just letting go and waiting until tomorrow. It’s an accomplishment for me.

One of the appointments I made was for a therapist. The woman at social services had given me a name and I left my contact info after being told the therapist was on vacation. I didn’t expect to hear back from her in a while, much less on a sunday. She’s booked for a few weeks, but given the work scheduling uncertainty that’s just fine with me. I have an appointment for September 8 or 9… I forget which. She sounded nice. I’m still just very pessimistic about how someone is going to be able to help me at all. I’m an introspective person, I examine and work through my thoughts right here. I can certainly see how a therapist would be helpful for someone who didn’t already do that… but me? Regardless, I’ll go and see what will come of it. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprized.

Den was talking to me yesterday about planting a maple tree in our yard. I think we’ve come to an unspoken compromise on the tree issue… Den really wants a fruit tree out front, not too big and bearing fruit. I really want something long-living, green, and bigger. So we’re going to do both. If the cherry dies (my opinion is still out on that one) we’ll replace it. I do like the idea of a cherry tree, I like what it symbolises… and it really was so pretty in bloom. A maple tree isn’t nearly so showy. And, damnit, I got used to the idea of a cherry tree and I want a cherry tree, damnit. So we’re going to choose somewhere in our backyard for a maple. We always planned on planting more trees out back – nice ones, planted with concious thought instead of the forest of ugly pine trees we have right now. So this will be the first step.

I’m pleased with this compromise, but it has been rough emotionally in accepting it. One of the lessons that has gotten hammered into my head over and over again this year is that you can’t plan things. Or, rather, that you HAVE to be able to adapt. It’s never going to work out exactly how you sketched it out in your mind. I had this picture in my head of our yard with the cherry, and my scrapbook with the yearly updates. Not getting pregnant when I planned to was another hard zig-zag in my life plan. Obviously losing Devin was the biggest, most devastating. But all of them required me to re-adjust myself, required a period of adaptation before I realized that life was going to be okay in the end. My scrapbook is not ruined because the tree won’t be the same. I will still be a mother, even if it wasn’t at 24, or 25, or 26. And my life is not completely worthless without my first son present. This is not an easy lesson for me to learn.

As I drove to the grocery store today I noticed a large tree in someone’s yard. It was dead. This huge 50-60 ft tree, magestic limbs… all completely devoid of foliage. All trees die. Even the huge ones, even the strong ones. I thought about our choice to memorialize Devin in a tree rather than something permanent. We could have chosen a more lasting memorial. But then it wouldn’t have been living, breathing, growing. I would not have been able to watch it bloom and grow taller every year; I would not have been able to watch it branch out unexpectedly in ways that only living things do. In exchange for all of that we get a finite life span, a risk. It could live 30 years, it could die tomorrow. But to me the risk is worth it, it is befitting of my son. And if it dies we will replant and try again.

First day of work went well. I walked out feeling very positive, looking forward to my future. The people were nice, the bank seems like a very good place to work. Training is going to be extensive, before they ever put us near the teller line, which definitely is a good thing. Training is like school – which for me is fun. I found out that my insurance will indeed kick in the day I am eligible. Now I just need to somehow verify that it does actually cover IVF – I’ve been kicked by the universe too many times to take it for granted that the law will actually come into play, even though there seems to be no loopholes for it to be ignored. We’re getting closer.

I am glad, however, that I waited this long to get a job. I could probably have done it a month ago, but not before that. Having to be around people who don’t know, having to be cheerful and positive… it’s hard, at times. Actually what I had the hardest time with was concentrating. I kept thinking about other things, wondering if people were going to ask about children and such. I actually do that a lot while driving, which is a little scary… but I’ll suddenly blink and realize the last thing I remember doing was two streets ago. This attention thing is getting better with time, but it’s just now getting to the point where I think I can perform a professional job to an acceptable degree.

I think I’m going to like working two very different part-time jobs. I like the change, the challenge. I would do well with a full-time desk/paper job, but right now I enjoy the one job I have had and it looks like my other job will be enjoyable as well. Different, but good. I like keeping my brain busy.

I came home and played WoW. Drained my brain, sapped my energy. Zoned out. Watched some olympics. Not much left over. I like it that way now.

I’m exhausted so I’d really like to cut out soon as the diving is done and go to sleep (mmm, sleeeeep). But today at work I found on our intranet what their health plans are. Of course searching on the BC/BS website got me nowhere, so I’m going to have to call and hope they will tell me what the different plans offer in terms of coverage for infertility. I’m getting very nervous about it. I just don’t trust in anything – even if it’s the law. Even though this is a big enough company, based solely in MA, I just can’t help worrying that there’s some kind of loophole. Especially when I saw that they’re subscribed to BC/BS of New England, not BC/BS of Massachusetts. Is there a difference? Anyone who has one of those able to give me any insight here?

I don’t know what I’ve been doing, exactly, though I think I’ve been clenching my jaw in a truly spectacular way, but my jaw is killing me. My left side, right where my jaw hinges. I know my dentist told me that soreness there is from clenching/grinding, and it’s really no wonder that I’ve been clenching with starting my new job. All today it was really sore and popping every time I yawned. Then tonight when I ate dinner, I opened my mouth really wide to take a bite of something and just yelped as a jolt of pain hit me from my jaw there. So I can’t open my mouth more than halfway. Great, right? *sigh* It hurts.

Training is still going just fine. I’m still enjoying it and find myself looking around thinking about my future there – as in, I can picture myself still there in several years. I may take a couple years off to raise our children, but I do think I’ll be going back for the long term. Depends on how the actual work goes, of course – my stress level could go up quite a bit once I’m at my post, but they prepare people well and I will be shadowed for a while until I feel comfortable.

To be honest, I find myself just not worrying as much as I would have before (before I became a deadbaby mama). Perspective. I’m not nearly as mousy and nervous as I ever used to be. I was always worried about saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing… and maybe part of it is simply maturity and coming from a position of strength at my current job. Now I make sure to dress well and prepare myself, and then I walk in knowing I can handle whatever they throw at me. I was joking around with the girls today – nicely, of course. But I find it quite astonishing that I’m able to do that with people I just met in a situation like a brand new job. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I don’t care, as it’s obvious I do care to some degree and take steps to prepare, but I am not paranoid. It’s a really good feeling.

A friend of mine on a forum was talking about needing time to focus on herself after her baby loss before pursuing their next step. Now mine was forced upon me, as was hers, and I’m not quite as positive about it as she appears to be, but at the same time I do recognize that I think it is good for me. Even though the waiting kills me on one hand, on the other it’s giving me some time to get back on my feet before diving into a pregnancy-after-a-loss – something I know is going to be very stressful of its own accord.

In the bathroom at work today, while washing my hands, I glanced in the mirror. Even with makeup on my face just looks… older. I don’t know if it’s my skin starting to age a little bit or if it was just the effect of the weariness in my eyes from everything I’ve gone through, but I was quite shocked. I’ve never been afraid of aging, I’ve never worried about lines or sagging or getting old, and suddenly today I could see in my mind’s eye my face as it might look in 30 years, 50 years. It scared the hell out of me. It was like someone whacked me on the back of my head and I realized, all at once, that I will get old someday. I’ve been living in the naivete of youth. It’s not even that I worry about where it’s going, exactly. It’s just that I realize from experience that certain things, once lost, can never be gained back. Time changes things irrevocably. I’m not so sure I’m ready for that.

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW I COULD SHRIEK!! I called BC/BS and confirmed that my employer’s plan number does cover infertility services including IVF/GIFT/ZIFT, no limits. I am so relieved I could seriously faint right now. I’ve been so damn scared that I got this job and was moving along nicely and was going to be told in 3 months, “Oh, that? No, we don’t cover that. We fall under this rule where…” And then I was going to run crying out the door. It wouldn’t be pretty. So this? THIS? So freakin’ relieved.

IVF is definitely on for Nov/Dec… Nov 16 is when my insurance kicks in. I could be pregnant early in the new year. I may start crying.

Life has been going pretty good lately. Or rather, I’ve kind of been puttering along doing things, keeping busy, and nothing bad has happened or sprung to mind. To me this is positive. Productive. There have been ups and downs, though.

The good: I really enjoy the people I’ve been training with. When the trainer steps out we chat, and we seem to have similar interests and personalities. Even the trainer is really great, too.

The bad: We’re all going to different locations after training. Bugger.

The good: I seem to have gathered a nice little wardrobe for work, about 5 or 6 shirts that look good on me and are professional and polished. Grey slacks that fit well and are also very nice, and go with everything. I am very pleased about getting dressed each day. I feel so… mature. And not in that synonym-for-old kind of way.

The bad: It’s cold in the building! I spend all day shivering in my cute little short-sleeve shirts. I’m really hoping my new location will be a tad bit warmer, or I’m going to have to ditch my shirts in favor of long sleeves. Maybe I’ll just try to buy a blazer or sweater or something.

The good: Getting up early to have a shower has not been too hard on me, physically – I’m not falling asleep during the day or anything. I actually feel pretty perky.

The bad: Getting up at that hour puts me in direct conflict with Den getting ready. To those of you who don’t know, we have one very small bathroom with a pedastal sink. Den’s had years of getting his routine down to an artform, so when I come banging on the door saying, “DEN! I need to use the bathroom TOO!” it kind of screws both of us up. It was so much easier when I slept in until after he left.

The good: I do own a blowdryer.

The bad: It sucks. It’s a little travel blowdryer that worked just fine for the two times a year I ever needed it. But on a daily basis? Yeah, totally not good enough. It’s roasting my poor hair. I think I need a diffuser. And more speeds/settings. And some knowledge on how to do this. My hair hates me. (And I hate it. I want my pregnancy hair back, pronto. Whatever they gave me in the interim just sucks.)

::

And lastly…

The good: I think Devin’s tree is going to survive!

The bad: I think only one branch of Devin’s tree is going to survive.

Sometimes being stuck in the middle is almost more frustrating than losing it completely. I hate having to just “wait and see.” It’s painful to drive up every day and see it there… I’ve been averting my eyes and trying to just not think about it. I really just don’t have it in me anymore. I can’t do anything more about it at this point, and I can’t handle being freaked out upset every day, so instead I just slam down the wall and cut myself off for the time being until I can decide if I should feel relieved or upset. Then I’ll go from there.

I keep saying “I’ve been busy,” but that’s not really the whole story.

I had the day off today, but when I woke up (had to pee so bad I was dreaming about finding a bathroom!) I took a shower, got dressed. I ended up going to Walmart to buy that new blowdryer I needed (thanks for the tip, G! The ionizer ones were wicked cheap, so I got one!). Then I had lunch with hubby. After I got home I ended cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, doing a load of laundry, cleaning out the sink and running dishes through the dishwasher. Then I watched some Olympics (so sad it’s over, sigh) and played some Warcraft.

That may sound like a lot, but trust me, it’s not. It was just a nice, relaxing, lazy day – without laying in bed feeling depressed.

But I still didn’t post here. Why? Because I don’t have anything to say.

I spent nearly two years prior to getting pregnant watching my cycles: I charted, I counted, I analyzed symptoms. It was fun for a while, then desperate for a while, and then a necessity during treatments. I got pregnant, and with that there were no cycles – but instead I counted weeks, symptoms… I revelled in the details. Then 9 weeks of blankness. No cycles, no pregnancy, and it seemed like no time. It all ceased, frozen. But inevitably it started up again. For the past three+ months of cycles I’ve fallen back into my old pattern. Counting days, wondering, hoping, waiting. Believing it was possible.

I don’t anymore. It is obvious to me that I have completely surrendered, white flag in the air. I know in my heart this is not going to work without IVF again. It’s one thing to think it might be… to know your chance is low. It’s another to truly give up.

Don’t feel like you need to give me new hope. It’s okay. I have plenty of hope for IVF. I am waiting more or less patiently for my chance. With my job and my insurance means that it will happen for us again. It’s just that I am no longer sitting here waiting for a miracle to happen in the meantime. It’s not going to happen. I’ve accepted that.

And you know… I’m kind of relieved. Relieved that I don’t have to wonder. Relieved that I don’t have to plan sex and keep track and maintain hope anymore. It hurts to carry that torch. It’s physically painful. Every month the disappointment, like a wall falling on me. Every time. Knowing I shouldn’t feel so hopeful, but carrying that hope anyways. Feeling like I should hang on, that maybe this time will be different.

This is a respite. It’s a breather, a pause button on life. I did not decide to take a break. I did not call up some sort of willpower to stop obsessing and wondering and watching. It just came. And I invited it in to stay a while.

I wait.

Laying here in bed, bloated from dinner and ice cream, I pictured for a moment laying here pregnant again, feeling a baby move within me. Not Devin… someone else. The next one.

The image soothed me. And for a moment I loved that future child as fiercely as I do Devin.

It will happen. And I will be okay.

Know that terrific weight loss I’d achieved? Yeah, not so much. Going in the other direction now. I’ve been loving my food a little too much…. and not exercising. The pudge, it is returning. Not so pretty.

I am hoping that once my life calms down into some semblence of a real weekly schedule (once training is done) that I’ll be able to fall into some regular patterns and get back to taking care of myself a little better. Not that a new job is really a good excuse for not exercising, but everything’s kind of a mess right now.

::

If you recall, there were two conferences I was really looking forward to attending… the AFA conference in NYC and the RESOLVE of the Bay State conference in central MA. I was leaning towards going to the one in MA, because it’s far easier to get to and thus a lot cheaper. Well I realized that these conferences are probably on Saturdays… and I will be scheduled to work every Saturday. Major bummer. So I checked… one is on a Saturday. The other is on a Sunday! Of course it’s the one in NYC. So it looks like I’ll be headed into NYC again this year.

I’m a little nervous about it, because this time it’s not right beside Grand Central… but thankfully they are offering shuttle busses to the location. I’m still nervous, though.

Hopefully it’ll be worth my time. I had such a great time there last year… I’m hoping to get the same kind of benefits this time. And it’s right before I start cycling, which is good timing.