I’m exhausted so I’d really like to cut out soon as the diving is done and go to sleep (mmm, sleeeeep). But today at work I found on our intranet what their health plans are. Of course searching on the BC/BS website got me nowhere, so I’m going to have to call and hope they will tell me what the different plans offer in terms of coverage for infertility. I’m getting very nervous about it. I just don’t trust in anything – even if it’s the law. Even though this is a big enough company, based solely in MA, I just can’t help worrying that there’s some kind of loophole. Especially when I saw that they’re subscribed to BC/BS of New England, not BC/BS of Massachusetts. Is there a difference? Anyone who has one of those able to give me any insight here?

I don’t know what I’ve been doing, exactly, though I think I’ve been clenching my jaw in a truly spectacular way, but my jaw is killing me. My left side, right where my jaw hinges. I know my dentist told me that soreness there is from clenching/grinding, and it’s really no wonder that I’ve been clenching with starting my new job. All today it was really sore and popping every time I yawned. Then tonight when I ate dinner, I opened my mouth really wide to take a bite of something and just yelped as a jolt of pain hit me from my jaw there. So I can’t open my mouth more than halfway. Great, right? *sigh* It hurts.

Training is still going just fine. I’m still enjoying it and find myself looking around thinking about my future there – as in, I can picture myself still there in several years. I may take a couple years off to raise our children, but I do think I’ll be going back for the long term. Depends on how the actual work goes, of course – my stress level could go up quite a bit once I’m at my post, but they prepare people well and I will be shadowed for a while until I feel comfortable.

To be honest, I find myself just not worrying as much as I would have before (before I became a deadbaby mama). Perspective. I’m not nearly as mousy and nervous as I ever used to be. I was always worried about saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing… and maybe part of it is simply maturity and coming from a position of strength at my current job. Now I make sure to dress well and prepare myself, and then I walk in knowing I can handle whatever they throw at me. I was joking around with the girls today – nicely, of course. But I find it quite astonishing that I’m able to do that with people I just met in a situation like a brand new job. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I don’t care, as it’s obvious I do care to some degree and take steps to prepare, but I am not paranoid. It’s a really good feeling.

A friend of mine on a forum was talking about needing time to focus on herself after her baby loss before pursuing their next step. Now mine was forced upon me, as was hers, and I’m not quite as positive about it as she appears to be, but at the same time I do recognize that I think it is good for me. Even though the waiting kills me on one hand, on the other it’s giving me some time to get back on my feet before diving into a pregnancy-after-a-loss – something I know is going to be very stressful of its own accord.

In the bathroom at work today, while washing my hands, I glanced in the mirror. Even with makeup on my face just looks… older. I don’t know if it’s my skin starting to age a little bit or if it was just the effect of the weariness in my eyes from everything I’ve gone through, but I was quite shocked. I’ve never been afraid of aging, I’ve never worried about lines or sagging or getting old, and suddenly today I could see in my mind’s eye my face as it might look in 30 years, 50 years. It scared the hell out of me. It was like someone whacked me on the back of my head and I realized, all at once, that I will get old someday. I’ve been living in the naivete of youth. It’s not even that I worry about where it’s going, exactly. It’s just that I realize from experience that certain things, once lost, can never be gained back. Time changes things irrevocably. I’m not so sure I’m ready for that.