I love the night time, don’t you? It’s so quiet. The dogs have gone to sleep and are no longer pacing/whining/barking. (Kind of like after putting the kids to bed… silence, finally.)

When I made the bed originally I put the fitted sheet on the whole bed, then just put the top blankets on half the bed (to hopefully allow the other side to air out still). But when I layed down it was obvious the wetness of the mattress came a lot further onto my side of the bed than I thought. I had more like 1/4 of the bed. Not good for a pregnant lady that can’t exactly sleep all stretched out on my back. So I took the hairdryer to the mattress in an attempt to give me another little bit of space, and then when I re-made the bed again I put a fleece throw blanket down under my sheet. This appears to be the best idea ever. I had a moment of brilliance (one of few) when I realized that fleece is used for diaper covers because it repells wetness! So hopefully this will keep me dry until morning. I’ll strip the bed before going to work so that the mattress can continue to air out.

I am really settling down with the boy idea. Only took me a week, thereabouts. I knew it was going to be just a momentary panic, but I didn’t know how momentary, if you know what I mean. But really, I’m getting used to the blue thing. I’m really falling in love with the idea of having a little boy. Devin… I just love that name! Of all the names we had chosen (1 boy, 2 girl) this was the one I liked the most. I am just so excited to be able to use it!

I was thinking yesterday about the two embryos from the previous failed IVF cycle. Going through it I didn’t really think of them as much more than embryos – potential. Same as this cycle. It was an embryo, a potential baby. But now that I know it’s Devin in there kicking me? I wonder how different the other embryos would have been. I wonder what children they would have given me. Would it have been a girl? Would it have been kicking me like this one is? It’s a strange thought, really. Not really upsetting at this point, since I have a healthy baby growing inside me, but strange. It’s funny how things work out, and when they do you look back and think it worked out just how it should have. I love that I’m due in April, I love that I have my little Devin. It was shitty to go through a failed cycle, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much now, knowing how things worked out.

I think that’s the absolute worst part about infertility, really – not knowing how or IF things are going to work out. When that first cycle failed I really had to admit to myself the possibility that it might not work at all, ever. I sure as hell didn’t know the next cycle would work, even as fucked up as it was. I had no way of knowing I’d be so happy just a few months down the road. Infertility is a crappy, crappy place to reside, and all you want is answers. It’s not strange at all how many people are on forums asking “psychics” to please please tell them when they’re going to get pregnant. We all just want some sort of reassurance that it’s going to work out somehow, that we’re going to have a baby in the end, and not even our REs can give us that promise. Someone who has never been through it can never truly understand the despair and hopelessness that causes.

OH MY EFFING GOD!!! I was approved for a credit card!! My own credit card!!

Okay, backing up – I’m Canadian, I moved to the U.S. two and a half years ago, got married, did the immigration process thing. It took a while to get my Green Card (permanent residency card) and social security number, both of which are pretty much required in order to have an identity here in the United States. (Thank god for my husband, that’s all I can say… I relied solely on him for EVERYTHING! I couldn’t even get a bank account!)

And now, despite having a legitimate job, paying taxes, etc etc – I still couldn’t get a credit card. I applied a few times, and was denied over and over again because I had no credit history. Actually the first few times I was denied because they couldn’t even identify me as a person, isn’t that quaint? (This was months AFTER I got my SSN.) I even got denied for a freaking Bon Ton store credit card.

We bought my car and put it all in my name. Den co-signed the loan.

At Motherhood when I was there last the cashier lady talked to me about the FutureTrust credit card they promote/offer, which gives you a percentage of every charge into your child’s college fund. I applied for it but was like, “Eh, I doubt this is going to work.” I got a letter afterwards saying that they were “gathering more information” – which is usually the precursor to “Sorry, we can not approve you at this time.”

But I just got an email saying I was approved!! I have my own credit card now!! It probably has a ridiculously low limit, but that’s okay!!

I’m so excited right now. LOL

“I want to see if I can feel the baby kick!”
“Honey, that’s my boob. You’re not going to feel anything up there!”
“Well, I haven’t yet… but just to be SURE, I’d better leave my hand here for a while. Just in case, you know.”

When I booked the appointment I was later kicking myself for making it at 8:45 in the morning. Just so happens that this week my sleep has completely flipped and I’m up by 6am every morning, so it worked out perfectly. (I’m also asleep by 6pm, unfortunately. If I don’t actively go to bed by 6, then I’m falling asleep wherever I’m sitting!) I feel nice and bright-eyed and busy tailed. Well, as much as I can be when my back is hurting so I have to hobble around.

I will skip over the fact that my car had a little run-in with someone’s tire in the parking lot. The other car doesn’t have a scratch (thank god for hitting their tire!). Mine however… well my poor car is a little dinged up. :( It was my own stupid fault too. So glossing over that…

Checked in, sat in the waiting room. I think the nurse called me in at around 8:55. She apologised for being behind, they had to organize my records. I’m wondering why they didn’t do that earlier – I dropped them off last week – but I wasn’t in a rush and it was no big deal to me.

I felt a little rushed during the initial stuff… you know, the pee-in-a-cup (“Do you mind if we get to you give a urine sample first?” “Please?!!?!!”), blood pressure, weight thing. I was given a little cup thing and sent to the bathroom. I had no idea what their usual proceedure was, and I think I did it wrong (I didn’t do a clean catch, and now that I think about it I probably should have), and I had to carry the little cup back to the nurse’s station. That was a little… weird. (The old practice had a little door you put the urine cup through, no carrying.) Blood pressure was 118/60. Weight was 140.2, so I am now back at my starting weight at least. (Which I knew, according to my own weekly weigh-ins, but it’s nice that they have it on record now, LOL.)

I then was put in a room and the nutritionist came in to see me. Now I don’t know what it was about her… she was very friendly and nice… but there was just something about her that mildly irritated me. I kind of got the feeling that maybe she’s a little new at this? I don’t know, maybe it was just little mannerisms that irked me. We talked about eating habits. Umm, yeah, I don’t know if any of you are aware of this, but my eating habits in general suck. I hate veggies and don’t touch them with a ten foot pole if I don’t have to. I have very limited taste in fruits (and apparently I don’t like the “citrus fruits” that I’m supposed to be eating). I’m bad about eating meat – I LIKE it, I just can’t exactly afford a nice filet mignon every evening. Well, that and I’m supposed to cook my meat really well, and that ruins it for me. Even like ham. I like a COLD ham sandwich. So maybe it was just the fact that I didn’t like the questioning. But actually I eat lots of grains and lots of dairy, so there’s just a few things I need to do better about.

But yeah, she wasn’t thrilled with my lack of weight gain. She didn’t outright lecture me, but she had a graph thing that showed the recommended weight gain range by months along. I’m sitting at the very bottom of the graph, heh. I’m apparently 10-15lbs underweight, did you know that? So she said I need to aim for gaining 5lbs a month until delivery. Yikes. That seems like a lot to me. And the idea of forcing myself to gain weight doesn’t sit any better with me than forcing myself to lose weight! I’m going to really try to eat more protein and snack more throughout the day so as not to make myself sick, but I’m not going to force myself to eat just for the sake of eating. Besides, I don’t want to turn into a blimp. ;) Now that my appetite is gaining I think I’ll be fine with it.

The nutritionist also gave me a bunch of handouts on dealing with nausea. But she didn’t really know the material you know? Like she told me B-12 vitamins, then when I mentioned B-6 vitamins she was like, “Oh that’s the one! Here I’ll get that handout.” And she was talking about chewing on ginger when I’m feeling nauseated and stuff. I don’t know, it just didn’t inspire a lot of confidence. She had no clue about using Unisom for nausea, she looked totally blindsided and confused by that and remarked, “Wow, that must really knock you out!” Ummm, no not really. :/ She was talking to me as if I am nauseated 24/7, but she didn’t seem to get that the Unisom keeps it really manageable, I know what to avoid, and I just have a few days here and there where it’s REALLY bad. And I’m sorry, but when it’s REALLY bad sniffing a lemon is not going to help – I’ll be too busy hanging over the toilet. Thanks.

Oh, and the, “What do you do?” “I’m the assistant manager at a cat sanctuary.” “A ca-…… what??? What is that?” *scratches head* Now I know it’s unusual, but I think “cat sanctuary” is rather self-explanatory? I get a lot of varied responses when people find out what I do, but I’ve never quite seen a blank, clueless face before. “We have cats. Stray cats… unwanted cats… sick cats. We take care of them.” I need to learn when to say “shelter”. People understand that term far better, even if it isn’t completely accurate in this case. (A shelter has a much higher in/out rate, animals are usually caged, and their focus is on adoptions. A sanctuary may have some adoptions, but the main focus is taking in the animals that the shelters can’t handle/don’t want, and caring for them for life.)

Plus as she was leaving she asked me if I’d gotten my flu shot yet. “No, and I won’t be getting it.” She blinked. “Oh. I always get it. Just seems like one less thing to worry about.” I just nodded and smiled, because I didn’t feel like explaining my motivations to the nutritionist. Nodding and smiling gets me through a lot.

Anyways. I spent a long time with the nutritionist answering questions and going over nausea management techniques and what I should be trying to eat. When she was done I waited a few minutes for the midwife to come in.

The midwife was really nice! Like the other one I interviewed, she was very relaxed. We went over my chart. They always ask if my LMP is correct, and I usually just kind of stare and say, “Umm, if that’s what it says, sure.” I get a blink. “This is an IVF pregnancy.” “Oohhhhh. So what were those dates?” LOL So I gave her my retrieval and transfer dates. They go by my EDD for everything, so it doesn’t really matter anyways. I know the EDD is [mostly] correct (off by one day). She went through all my lab results, and since everything came back normal/negative there wasn’t much to talk about. She did say that my iron had come back slightly low, but she said iron usually drops a little in pregnancy so it’s nothing to be concerned about. She said they’ll re-check it at 28 weeks, when it usually takes a harder hit, and go from there. All fine with me.

I mentioned my Celexa, which as you know was my big concern since I had forgotten to bring it up during the interview last time with this practice so I didn’t know what their policy was. But the Midwife totally reassured me, she said if it was prescribed before and it’s working, then they are totally fine with staying on it, and she repeated what other doctors have told me about the greater good. She said they’ll look into if I should switch or not for breastfeeding, and that they’re happy to provide my refill prescriptions or whatever, so YAY!!! My big worry eased!

Then it was up on the table for a quick feel of my uterus (up to my belly button, yup), and then a listen with the doppler. She found it quick, the wand was about an inch and a half below my belly button, but tilted up and to my right. So Devin’s sitting up high! Heartrate is in the 150’s this week.

Oh, and the Midwife asked if anyone had offered me the flu vaccine yet. I said, “No, but I know about it and I’ve decided not to get it.” And she said, “Okay then! Sounds good.” YAY for not having to argue!!

My next appointment is set for December 14, at 24 weeks. :) I hope it’s the same midwife, I’d like to see the same one and develop a bit of a relationship.

This is freaking disturbing. State officials are threatening parents with JAIL TIME for not vaccinating their children for chicken pox?? I am utterly appalled… and rather angry! I sure hope this doesn’t catch on in other states… and that it gets thrown out in Maryland. It just makes me very sad, and very worried what’s going to happen in the future.

The MSNBC article just makes me freaking angry. “Protecting the public health” – that term, that concept, just does not sit well with me. Parents are being forced to do what’s best for the “herd” over what THEY think is best for their child. I really really don’t like government interference except in extreme cases. Chicken pox is NOT a good enough reason for this crap. I also love how the article says that people need to either get an exemption or get immunized – which WOULD make sense, if exemptions were actually available to everyone. They left out the part where they don’t allow any sort of philosophical/personal belief exemption, so a lot of people who WOULD make that “simple choice” and are NOT “sitting on the fence” CAN’T. It’s like saying, “You have to choose either A or B. But you can’t choose B.” And then claiming you gave them a choice. WTF?

Ugh I’m just so ticked off now.

7:15pm. Up until this point I was sitting here feeling awake. 7 rolls around… I start drifting. 7:15 I’m really really drooping. There are things I wanted to do online before I fell asleep though. :(

Devin is not sleepy at all, however. Since I sat down in bed he’s been kicking and tumbling. I see where all my energy is going – he’s hogging it all.

I was telling my coworker about how Devin’s been kicking me. Sometimes it feels like a normal kick out the front, which I could feel if my hand was on my stomach. But sometimes it feels like he does something else, like kick my innards. Those ones make my stomach turn sometimes.

I’ve been using his name now and again in conversation… “Devin’s been very active today.” When it comes out of my mouth I stop and think about how it sounds. At first it sounded so weird, so foreign. Every time I say it it gets a little more familiar, and I think I fall in love with it a little more each time.

::

Now it’s 9:15 and it appears I zoned out and never posted this. Snort.

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Some more thoughts… (and yes I split up this post)

I just have random things going through my head. Like, how on earth does a cat sanctuary with around 80 cats in it produce LESS FUR in one day than my two dogs? (Or to be really specific, Den’s dog) I walk in the house and am just at a loss as to how that dog isn’t bald. It’s winter, dude!! Didn’t anyone tell you you’re supposed to keep your coat ON?

Am also unsure as to how that dog has survived 4 years without getting an intestinal blockage. At least tissues – his favorite “treat” – aren’t dangerous. Just irritating as hell. (And where does he find them?? Where where where?? Though it is “treat season”… winter is when the tissues come out en masse.)

::

Did I mention my sore back? I don’t think I did. Thanks to StupidDog (not to be confused with IdiotDog, above) and her high-capacity bladder we had to let our mattress air out for two days. I did sleep on it at night, but in the evening after work I napped on the futon. Sounded like an okay idea. It wasn’t. Woke up with a really tight, sore lower back. Really sore. I ended up laying with the reheatable gel pack thingie shoved under my tailbone for an hour, which really helped, but I’ve still been waddling around at work rubbing my back. I don’t know how I EVER thought that futon was the slightest bit comfortable, but it currently feels like a board. I wish to never, ever be without my pillow top all-natural latex mattress. I LOVE this mattress. It was one of the things I really insisted on before getting pregnant, and I am so freaking glad I did.

One of the other things I really wanted before a baby came along was of course a new washer and dryer, since our old one was… old. And small. And didn’t really work all that well. I have to say, I know we spent a pretty penny for our washer and dryer and we could have spent a lot less for non-front-loaders… but I love them. I still love how it chirps a greeting at me when I press the power button. I love how easy it is to add a prewash, or change the temperature setting. They are huge, so we can throw a ton of clothes in there – I’m finding we only need to do a load every week, though we usually split up the colors from the whites. And honestly I don’t even mind the fact that they’re in our kitchen. Our plan to move them to the breezeway has, predictably, been put off due to finances. I thought it would be a big pain in the ass to have them there in the kitchen, but they don’t really bother me at all.

We’re getting there. Slowly. Hopefully we’ll have a lot more done by the time Devin comes around. And I really hope by the time our kids are teens we’ll have a place that we’re really proud of.

It’s almost time to pull out the Christmas decorations!! You have no idea how excited this makes me. I might even do some this weekend. We are leaving on December 19 for my parents, so I want to have a good month to enjoy them! :D Christmas is just the best time of year to me. I love it. I love the Christmas music, I love decorating my house, I love wrapping gifts and setting them carefully under the tree. I have a lot of rituals and traditions surrounding Christmas, and they’re very important to me.

Like wrapping. Every year I go on the hunt for the right wrapping paper. I get very excited when I find it (especially if it’s on sale, lol!). I buy enough to wrap all the presents in it. (Sometimes I get a “set” of coordinating paper, so they’re not all the same, but they all “match”.) I have a bin in our basement full of wrapping supplies – tape, scissors, tags, ribbons, etc – and one full of bows. Every present is carefully wrapped and decorated. I get many comments from Den’s family about what an amazing job I do. That seems funny to me, because at my parents’ house that’s just how it’s done! My dad is an amazing wrapper, and I learned from him.

Oh, and I beg Den to buy his own wrapping paper and not show me what it is, and wrap all my presents in it. I think that one stems back to waking up on Christmas morning and finding all these gifts from Santa under the tree in wrapping paper I’ve never seen before. It was simply magical! So I bribe Den into indulging my little silly fantasies. :D

Stockings are another big tradition. I have a stocking for both Den and me, the dogs, and the cats. They’re not small stockings either. And my requirement is that they are STUFFED full! Little goodies… for us growing up the stockings were full of little candies, scratch tickets, socks, nuts, etc. Nothing at all big, but fun little dollar store items. You never knew what mom was going to find on sale and put in your stocking! So I continue that tradition here. I do buy things for my own stocking, but I also ask Den to buy some little trinkets to put in mine. I also buy treats and such for the pets for theirs. Most of their presents go in their stockings. Also a requirement: all stocking gifts be wrapped in tissue paper, not wrapping paper. It’s just how it is! (Den seriously gets a kick out of all these things I insist on. He’s still learning the “rules.” ) The dogs get to unwrap their own presents – usually not a problem if they can smell something inside! Then they’re happy for the rest of the day and leave us in peace. Although, once Zeeke gets the hang of unwrapping gifts he wants to help daddy with all of his presents, too. For Zeeke the cool part isn’t the present, it’s that we’re allowing him to rip up paper. LOL! (He has an obsession with paper and cardboard.)

A friend of mine online is searching for the perfect personalized stockings for her twins – it’s their first christmas this year! – and she posted a bunch of great ones! And that got me thinking about Devin. I could get him a stocking this year – since he’s certainly going to be a part of our Christmas celebration! He’s just not going to be able to participate. ;) (Not like he’ll be able to do much participating next year, either.) But again… all stockings must match. Right now we have different colored stockings… cheap ones, but I like them. They’re fuzzy. I have a maroon color; Den has the blue; Zeeke has the green; Zoe has the white. And I think the cats share a red one, but I forget. I think I might hold off buying pretty matching stockings for us hoomans until we are done with our family… because you know if I buy them next year, when the next kid comes along I’ll want to buy a whole new set. ;) (If I can’t get a matching one, that is – and I highly doubt a particular design will hang around for 3 years!)

So much to think about. :)

Only 1 month left until we leave for Canada!! I’m soooo excited!! I get to see my parents, my brother, my dog! Not so thrilled about the prospect of sharing a double-size bed with my husband, though. Especially since it’s not a pillow-top. I may have issues with that.

Happy halfway mark to me! 20 weeks pregnant as of today. It’s been 18 weeks since my retrieval. It will be another 20-22 weeks until the baby is here. I am… in shock and awe… that I am at this point. I am blessed, truly blessed.

Devin is celebrating today. I can feel him, I think he’s throwing a party in there. Perhaps he’s invited friends? The funniest part is that his kicks now move. One minute they’re down low in my belly, next they’re higher and off to my right side. I have to “chase” him with my hand to feel it. :lol: It’s so awesome. I like to sit here and poke at my belly to see if I can’t get a response. Frequently I just zone out for half an hour at a time, hand on my belly, waiting for the little bumps against my hand. Once today among little bumps and pushes he really booted me – it made me laugh.

I have to change my point of view. What did I do today? It feels like “nothing”. I’ve just been laying here… I feel like I don’t even have the energy to pay attention to a TV show on DVR, I just zone out. But I didn’t do “nothing”! I’m growing a baby! Whew. I’m exhausted.

I can’t really understand the girls who say they wish they had their body back, they just want the baby out. I feel better than I have in years! I mean, beyond the nausea and the heartburn and little aches and pains – and I know those are going to get worse (minus the nausea, which I HOPE is going to get better… see, still trying to be optimistic here!). I suspect it’s going to feel very strange when Devin is on the outside, no longer a part of me. I’m getting so used to his daily movement. It’s going to be so weird to have that gone.

::

Oh, by the way, I didn’t nap on the futon at all yesterday (since our mattress is finally dry)… and I slept on our mattress all night too. And look at that, no back pain today at all. So I am definitely placing full blame on the futon.

::

PS – Weekly belly pic is up, for you obsessors. :)

I have been having some serious stomach problems today. For a good portion of this pregnancy things have been… stopped up. Not fun. So last week I started taking colace. I know it said it can take about a week for it to start working. And it did! Yay, I was happy. And then… well… then it didn’t stop. Today I was having some bad stomach pains, running to the bathroom frequently… oh yeah. Fun day for me. So apparently colace reacts badly with me. Figures. No more colace.

I’m probably going to be saying this every day until the end, but he gets stronger every day! Now it’s like every hour or two that he has a bunch of movement.

I was going to say more, but I’m too tired. Bah.

I have been working very late two days in a row now, and tomorrow will be another very long day. Today I didn’t “finish” until 11pm – and that was only because my back was hurting and I needed to eat something and I had done enough to tide me (and my client) over until tomorrow. I am really looking forward to Thursday, a guilt-free family day of no work. (Well, actually I do have to go into work for an hour or two, but that’s easy mindless stuff, not the head-banging design stuff that gives me designers block and coder fury. If you ever hear a far-off, faint shrieking of, “Why is there a $%!%#! gap there?!? Why, why, WHY??!”… that would be me, screaming in frustration at my browser.)

I did take a break today to run to Walmart. I had to return the humidifier I bought, since it didn’t appear to be working at all. And of course that model was all sold out, so I had to pay more for a different kind… it’s the warm mist type. This one at least works. Den has it set up on his nightstand, actually… he has a slight cold or something, and that combined with the cold winter air has the poor guy in pretty rough shape. Hopefully the humidifier helps him out. (And quelling the snoring would be nice, for my benefit!)

Also bought some bras. Kel was telling me that Walmart has a good selection of non-underwire bras, so while I was there I tried some on. She was right! I found two bras that are less than $10 each and fit really nicely. And yes, a 38C. I could probably use a 40C, but didn’t see any. I will not be buying any bras from Motherhood ever again. When I need nursing bras I’ll buy them online from Motherwear. I am really friggin irritated that they can’t measure me properly, AND won’t exchange anything once it’s bought. Granted I *should* grow into the D cups, but I bet I’ll outgrow the band size first. But that’s not the point, now is it? I expect them to measure me correctly!!

I also bought a cute black maternity shirt. I wear size small maternity tops. This is amusing to me. I’m not exactly a skinny minny or anything, like I used to be. What the heck do the skinny girls wear?? Den wants me to wear it on Thanksgiving, which I am planning on doing, so hopefully I’ll get some good photos of pregnant me! ;)

Did I mention we had snow here today? Yeah. Snow. I “eek”ed out loud when I walked into the living room this morning. Where did THAT come from?? Also, I realized that I overlooked my winter coats when it comes to maternity wear. I never considered they wouldn’t fit. But suddenly I can’t button them even if I wanted to. Hrm. My belly may get a little cold this winter. I don’t want to spend a lot of money, but it appears I’ll need something warm to accomodate!