I love the night time, don’t you? It’s so quiet. The dogs have gone to sleep and are no longer pacing/whining/barking. (Kind of like after putting the kids to bed… silence, finally.)

When I made the bed originally I put the fitted sheet on the whole bed, then just put the top blankets on half the bed (to hopefully allow the other side to air out still). But when I layed down it was obvious the wetness of the mattress came a lot further onto my side of the bed than I thought. I had more like 1/4 of the bed. Not good for a pregnant lady that can’t exactly sleep all stretched out on my back. So I took the hairdryer to the mattress in an attempt to give me another little bit of space, and then when I re-made the bed again I put a fleece throw blanket down under my sheet. This appears to be the best idea ever. I had a moment of brilliance (one of few) when I realized that fleece is used for diaper covers because it repells wetness! So hopefully this will keep me dry until morning. I’ll strip the bed before going to work so that the mattress can continue to air out.

I am really settling down with the boy idea. Only took me a week, thereabouts. I knew it was going to be just a momentary panic, but I didn’t know how momentary, if you know what I mean. But really, I’m getting used to the blue thing. I’m really falling in love with the idea of having a little boy. Devin… I just love that name! Of all the names we had chosen (1 boy, 2 girl) this was the one I liked the most. I am just so excited to be able to use it!

I was thinking yesterday about the two embryos from the previous failed IVF cycle. Going through it I didn’t really think of them as much more than embryos – potential. Same as this cycle. It was an embryo, a potential baby. But now that I know it’s Devin in there kicking me? I wonder how different the other embryos would have been. I wonder what children they would have given me. Would it have been a girl? Would it have been kicking me like this one is? It’s a strange thought, really. Not really upsetting at this point, since I have a healthy baby growing inside me, but strange. It’s funny how things work out, and when they do you look back and think it worked out just how it should have. I love that I’m due in April, I love that I have my little Devin. It was shitty to go through a failed cycle, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much now, knowing how things worked out.

I think that’s the absolute worst part about infertility, really – not knowing how or IF things are going to work out. When that first cycle failed I really had to admit to myself the possibility that it might not work at all, ever. I sure as hell didn’t know the next cycle would work, even as fucked up as it was. I had no way of knowing I’d be so happy just a few months down the road. Infertility is a crappy, crappy place to reside, and all you want is answers. It’s not strange at all how many people are on forums asking “psychics” to please please tell them when they’re going to get pregnant. We all just want some sort of reassurance that it’s going to work out somehow, that we’re going to have a baby in the end, and not even our REs can give us that promise. Someone who has never been through it can never truly understand the despair and hopelessness that causes.