This morning I got out of bed, sat at my computer… then *urrrppp* went running to the bathroom and yelled at Den to get out, get out! Yet again, no puking… just major tummy troubles.

Later Den says to me, “Is this your version of morning sickness?” I hope not. Ugh.

In other news… I’m starting to get flat out terrified about the ultrasound. It’s been moved from August 13th to August 16th due to clinic scheduling issues and those 3 days seem like a lifetime. I’m just so scared we’re going to get there and something will be wrong… that the heart won’t be beating.

In a way I’m glad my stomach is in major upheaval – it at least lets me know that something is going on in there.

Den’s going to be gone all next week and I’m going to have to find ways to distract myself. Books, I guess. And shopping.

I’m just scared. Please let everything be okay. Let the ultrasound show a beautiful little blob with a beating heart. Then maybe I will be able to breathe again.

The craziest thing? I really want more of that chicken salad from yesterday.

Pregnancy has turned me into uber-bitch. Well, okay, not sure how much of that is the pregnancy. I’m just feeling really snarky lately and for no good reason. Got into a pretty big, long argument with Den (about whether or not we’ll have a doula at the birth, of all things), which in the end I think was pretty stupid. It needed to be talked about, but right now, and with an argument that had me in tears? Umm. Yeah. Not quite sure about that one.

The upside is that now I understand his viewpoint better and will be adapting my plans to hopefully accomodate both our wishes. He wishes to be extremely involved in the labor, to be my main support system. Which is great, just not something I really figured he’d throw himself into with such gusto. So we’ll be taking Bradley classes and training for the “big event.” I still want a doula there, though… I would feel much reassured with someone who has the knowledge and experience that comes along with it, and for someone to be there solely as my advocate to the doctors. Den thinks he can do all of it, but I don’t think he can be there helping me through each contraction and be watching the doctors and arguing with them if needed. Plus he sometimes has different opinions than me. He trusts doctors. A lot. (Like I get worried that a doctor would walk in and announce they’re going to do something – an episiotomy or something – that I totally do NOT want, and he’d be all, “Well the Dr. said so!”) So that’s kind of where I stand… I’m thrilled that Den wants to be my labor coach, but would feel greatly reassured to have a doula there. (I just wish he didn’t see a doula as some sort of new-agey scam. He really can cheese me off sometimes with his attitude. He has barely done any research at all – he read like three paragraphs – and had already made up his mind that they are quacks. Irritating, irritating.)

I’m at this weird state in my pregnancy right now. I’m over the initial shock and awe and euphoria, I have two weeks to go to my ultrasound that will confirm that there is a heartbeat, and now I’m just sitting in this weird space in between. I have a few little symptoms here and there, which honestly I really really appreciate – they’re not very bad, and they remind me that something is still going on in there. But for the most part I feel like I did beforehand. Life goes on. Work goes on. It makes it hard for me to really feel pregnant.

It’s weird that I wasn’t afraid to say “pregnant” or “baby” when I first found out… I was SO high on adrenaline and happiness. Now though it just feels weird. When people congratulate me I add, “But it’s early yet. My ultrasound is in two weeks.” I am, quite simply, scared. It still doesn’t feel quite real.

As far as symptoms go… I still feel full on much less than I ever did before. (And if I eat too much it really disagrees with me and either gives me indigestion or stomach upset of the make-way-for-bathroom kind.) It kind of highlights to me just how bad I was at portion control. Now I’m eating much healthier sized portions – I just need to remember to eat more often. I am not doing the starving pregnant lady thing (unless I don’t eat for 4 hours at a time, then my tummy starts growling). I’m snacking a little, but I’m a little concerned that I’m not getting enough calories. Anyone have any suggestions for books that are about or contain a good section on pregnancy nutrition? You know, one that isn’t going to freak me out and chastise me for not eating perfectly, but something that has a lot of info and suggestions in it.

I still feel a lot of twinges and tugs in my stomach. I think I like those the best. It’s something different and specific and really reassures me that things are happening. Some girls refer to “cramping” – this is definitely nothing like AF cramps for me. Usually not painful at all (though once in a while what feels like an ovary will have a bit of a stab). It just little “movements” across my abdomen. Things stretching and growing. And it’s just so cool to actually feel it happening.

My boobs are less sore now than they were in my two week wait. They aren’t growing yet. They aren’t changing color either.

I am not more tired than usual. I have been getting tired in the evenings, but that’s because I’ve been getting up at 6am for work. Blech. Mornings kill me. It’s a little frustrating that in the evenings I’m unable to concentrate enough to do things that I want to do (I flit from board to board, forgetting why I logged on in the first place!) and during the day I have so much work to get done. Saturday I have two events to attend (that I really do look forward to) and I have to drop Den off at the airport for his business trip. Despite the fact that both events are fun events, I am not so thrilled about having them both on the same day. I really appreciate my downtime. Sunday, I suppose. Though, yet again… more work that needs to be done Sunday. (I am happy that work is keeping me busy – my business is picking up and that’s a good thing! But man do I really wish I had more time to just sit and focus on me and being pregnant. To just be.)

I am not feeling any nausea, except one incident at work today. Remember I work with cats. Well one is sick and he sneezed snot all over. This is not an entirely unusual event. I went to clean it up, and just got hit by this need to puke… I gagged so bad and ran to the sink just in case and dry heaved a little bit. I don’t even know if you could call that nausea, it was entirely my gag reflex acting up. Which is also making swallowing my 4 pills a day more difficult.

Den and I have been reading weekly updates and looking at little 3-d images of what our little blog should look like about now. And to tell the truth it freaked me out a little. It’s a little… blob. Even when it gets to the hamster stage it’s a little better, but right now it’s this little shapeless blob that looks absolutely nothing like any form of baby. It’s really astounding what happens in there over 10 months. Just absolutely astounding.

To answer the questions/suggestions on the whole OB/Midwife/Doula thing, here’s my situation:

I currently am at a practice that has a midwife and two OBs on staff. I’m not certain one of the OBs delivers, however. But last time I went in I asked the midwife about what would happen were I to use them for labor and delivery. Basically she or the OB would be on call, and who delivered would depend on who was on call at the time. This made me sad, because I really like her (the midwife) and I had really hoped it wouldn’t be a “maybe” situation. I really do want a midwife-attended birth, for personal reasons.

There is a large midwife-only group that practices out of the hospital I’m going to give birth at, so I looked into them. They will accept me as a patient. However, it would be a similar situation, in that even if I really love one of the midwives, they still have one designated on-call person. The difference would be that it would for sure be a midwife, not an OB.

The problem is that I am staying on my anti-depressant during my pregnancy (during breastfeeding is to be determined). It’s not really a big deal to me – I’ve talked it over with one of the OBs at my practice, who okayed it, and I’ve done a lot of research so I feel comfortable with the decision. The problem is that my general practice doctor – who has been proscribing my medication – has said he will request that my OB take over writing my prescription during pregnancy (ostensibly to avoid lawsuits – GP doctors just do not like doing anything with a pregnant woman). And therein lies the problem: I need an OB to write my script. I don’t think midwives can.

So my plan at this point is to stay with my current practice, as long as I like the other OB and their answers to my interview. I already know I love the midwife, I just want to make sure the OB feels the same way about things. If not, I’ll look into switching to the midwife practice and deal with the medication issue then.

But I still want a doula there. Mainly because I don’t want a “traditional” labor… if I was planning on just doing the normal thing in a hospital bed with an epidural I wouldn’t really have a need for one. However, there are several things that I’m really hoping for, and I don’t know how receptive the nurses on staff are going to be. I don’t really think I’m going to be in a position to argue anything while I’m having contractions, so I want someone there to be my advocate. Den could possibly do it, but I need him to be at my side, helping me through.

Don’t get me wrong, I have every faith in doctors in a medical emergency. I just think that sometimes the nurses and doctors over-medicalize birth. If I have a low-risk situation I would like to labor however I want to and not be chastized for not doing it the “traditional” way. (Ie, moving around, taking a bath, etc. Even birthing wherever I feel best pushing, not flat on my back on a bed.)

If the need arises my plans can and will change on the fly. I will be giving birth in a very large hospital that has a level-III nursery, and Den even knows (and greatly respects) one of the head doctors who takes care of all the emergency, extremely-high-risk situations.

I’m really trying to get the best of both worlds. I want the freedom to do what I want in a very natural, non-medical way, with the safety net right there if something goes wrong.

I really need to stop leaving my entries until last thing at night, because I’m so close to just rolling over and falling asleep. And I don’t think it’s pregnancy exhaustion… more of a getting-up-at-6am exhaustion. I hate mornings. They should be banned.

My temper has been so short lately. Maybe it’s because I’m so anxious, waiting to for our U/S, or maybe it’s some pregnancy hormones at work. Or maybe it’s just me, who knows. But I know that I AM on a short fuse lately. Nothing horrible… I just notice little flushes of anger at really idiotic things lately… the fact that my mouse is slow for no reason, or a stupid question someone posted on a forum, or a car pulling in front of me. Random things. Like my dog peeing on our bed. (Anyone want a dog? Free! Okay okay, just kidding.) Just really, really irritating me lately. That possibly explains the argument with Den over the doula thing. Looking back it does seem like a rather stupid thing to have a big blow-out over.

Speaking of Den, he continues to surprize me. The other day during the smoothing-over of our argument he made a comment about breastfeeding that irritated me (not that that’s a surprize, lately – the me getting irritated part). He just made it sound like any idiot could breastfeed and what was the big deal anyways? It just showed how naive he is, and I just let it drop. I figured he’d learn sooner or later… more likely later, first-hand.

Well today I pick him up from work and he’s telling me that ever since he started spreading the news he’s been getting into really interesting conversations with people. So he was telling me the little bits of advice he had been given from a woman he knows at work (who had a baby last year) and he said to me, “She also said, ‘Make sure she gets a…’ a…. what do you call it? Breastfeeding person.” I asked if he meant a “Lactation Consultant,” he said yes, that’s it! He then added (dropping my jaw nearly to the floor), “I dunno if a doula does that sort of thing or what…”

So first we have him broaching the idea of an LC helping with breastfeeding (now I don’t know if he really felt like, “This was a good idea!” or if he was just passing along what someone else said), but he also casually referred to a doula in a polite, even positive way. I was surprized. Hell, he’s even bringing up birth plans. Yes, it was in a, “we can do a really good birth plan and not have a doula!” kind of way, but he brought up doing a birth plan.

He still doesn’t get a warm and fuzzy feeling about a doula, though. He keeps mentioning how – irrational or not as it is – his mental picture of a doula is, in his words, “Emma Thompson’s character in Harry Potter.” (Professor Trelawny.) He sees them as some spiritual tribe leader who dances around dressed in corn husks and sprinkles fairy dust on me to protect the baby from evil spirits. Which is NOT at all what they are, of course. I actually find his mental images a little amusing.

To me they’re a mother figure. Not just a symbol of feminity, but a guide and a sister. Someone who has been through it before, who is willing to stand right with you. Every female knows that we love our men, we absolutely love our men, but sometimes men Just Don’t Get It. I’m reading the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy right now, and it’s a lot down those lines. Maybe it sounds silly to men that we women bond together like that, but there is much to be said for another woman who’s done there, been that, bought the t-shirt. (On a related note, the thought of my actual mother being there in the room is not comforting at all. Not that she’d be able to be here, but I don’t want any family even in the hospital.)

And yes, I do like the idea of a midwife. If I was guaranteed on having a midwife there I’d probably be fine, for all the same reasons. But to me an OB – male or female – is asexual. They’re a doctor. They’re a professional. They’re medical. I’m able to hoist myself up into the stirrups without a blink because they’re not a person, they’re a doctor. And I know that distinction is what reassures Den so much, but to me it’s also very detached.

I guess we’ll see how my feelings change during the course of my pregnancy.

It’s been really interesting talking to Den about it though, and seeing how much our opinions differ on some things. He has always been a good partner through our treatments – he listened when I explained things, asked questions, sat there holding my hand with me. He didn’t obsess over my charts or anything. He was solid, and I always appreciated that.

But now that I’m pregnant? He’s already planning when to remodel the baby’s room (it won’t be soon, but he’s PLANNING – something he practically refused to do before), tonight he even pulled up some panelling in that room to check out what’s behind it. He’s reading baby development newsletters and chatting with his friends about childbirth and pregnancy. It’s so heartwarming to see.

Today, to celebrate being 5 weeks pregnant, I decided to get a sunburn. Okay, not really much of a decision as an “oops” – I was wearing SPF 55 but apparently I still haven’t clued in that it’s not enough. :/ Seeing how I was in the sun all day with Zoe, in a tank top… well, even the SPF 55 can’t save me from that. My shoulders and upper back are pretty red right now – and pretty darn tender to go with it. I feel like I’ve been seared in a frying pan.

The first half of the day was spent at a farm at a fundraiser for a dog rescue group I volunteer at once in a while. There were several demos of dog sports, lots of cool doggy stuff to buy, a HUGE raffle (which I apparently I didn’t win anything at), a pond for the dogs to swim in (except Zoe, since she’s a fussy pants and doesn’t like getting even her paws wet), food, and lots of dogs. Zoe wasn’t entirely thrilled about the whole thing (she has a social anxiety disorder – heh, runs in the family), and I was sad that Den couldn’t come, but I had fun nonetheless. Zoe behaved herself very well, people were complimenting both her pretty looks and her good manners.

Den is gone for a week, which makes me sad, and I had a jack and jill to attend tonight. So I asked my SIL if she wanted to go. In a way I’m kind of glad Den wasn’t around and got me thinking about SIL…. because we had some really good talks. She’s such a great person, and it was fun to just hang out for a few hours, eat some good food. I found out they’re OTL and going to be trying soon as her husband returns (he’s been sent to another state for a few months), which is kind of exciting to me. Chances are they’ll get pregnant pretty quickly, which means our kids will be less than a year apart. I think it would be totally awesome for them to have a cousin to grow up with!

I am very glad, however, that I only found out that they’re trying now. I don’t know if she didn’t mention it to me earlier because of what we were going through or if it was because I didn’t ask (because of what we were going through!), but knowing before would have seriously upset me. And I know Den thinks that’s silly, that having a baby is never a contest. And it’s not. But you girls know that it can be so hard to watch someone who got married after you and started trying after you get pregnant while you’re still going through failed treatment after failed treatment. It’s not so much that you’re jealous that someone “beat” you – it’s knowing that you’ll have to watch them go through their pregnancy while you still aren’t. And when it’s family it’s nearly impossible to avoid. That’s the tough part.

In any case it was fun to talk to her about things, to laugh about the funny/stupid things our husbands do (we agree that they are far more alike than they care to admit!). When someone else mentioned me working from home after the baby is born and asked if there’s anyone nearby who can babysit, SIL waved her hand in the air and said, “Me! Me!” I know she has a full-time job, so that might not be doable, but it was pretty sweet. :)

The lady who was asking about me working from home, she looked at me and asked me how far along I was. I said, “Only 5 weeks.” She told me that I look pregnant. “Not that you’re fat!” she said. “You just look like… like…” and she made a mimick of sitting up straight and beaming. Last time I saw her at work, she said I look the best she’s ever seen me. So it was a nice compliment.

It still feels weird that people know that I’m pregnant and talk to me about it. And yes, there’s a part of me that wishes we’d waited to tell people so that every time they mentioned it I wouldn’t feel like blurting out, but it’s early yet! However I still can’t imagine keeping this in. How could I go about my daily life and NOT tell people about this amazing thing that’s happened? Even when I see strangers in the store I want to blurt out, “I’m pregnant!”

I ate quite a bit tonight. There was a coleslaw-like dish that was very very yummy. I had three helpings of it. Plus I had a chicken pocket thingie (hard to explain, but it was yummy too) and some chips. And some chicken-and-sauce that was a wee bit too spicy for me. And after eating all of that…. deserts were brought out. I took one very small slice of some kind of lemon loaf and ate that, and then… stopped eating. Can you believe that?? I can’t. (Usually, I have to try a little bit of every kind of desert.) This baby is changing me. Why else wouldn’t I scarf down a whole tablefull of desert?

I was hoping to stay up until Den called to let me know he got in to his hotel okay, but I don’t think I’m going to make it. My shoulders hurt and I’m flat out exhausted. I plan on sleeping in tomorrow.

::

Update at 1am: All that good food? Is sitting just below my ribcage. *urp* The pressure up high is making me want to puke. And I wouldn’t even have really been awake to notice this indigestion, if my dog hadn’t woken me up, whining as if she was going to pee on the floor any second now. She wanted a drink of water. Dogs… what can you do. :sigh:

I read an interesting bit of information today about how eating a lot of protein and drinking a ton of water can help prevent pre-eclampsia (and the resulting early-inducement) (BlueRibbonBaby.com was the site the person was talking about – to be honest, the website puts me off more than a little, it’s very sales-y). Now, I’m not a huge fan of being told all the aweful things that will happen to you if you don’t do things exactly right. However, eating healthy isn’t a bad goal. I already knew I should be eating more protein and drinking more water, so it’s nice to have some suggestions for what to be aiming for.

The nurses keep telling me (throughout my IVF cycle and after my BFP) to drink lots of water! I previously bought these sport bottles of water and I keep refilling them (with bottled water, of cousre – I can’t go near tap water, yuck… yes, I’m a total priss sometimes). I figure I need to drink about 3 of these bottles a day (each bottle has 700 mL). I don’t think that’s too far-fetched really… especially in this heat I’ve been craving water. I’m going to try to keep a bottle of water in the freezer at all times, so I can pull it out and have ice cold water at my side as it melts.

The indigestion last night wasn’t too bad, I was able to fall back asleep after dealing with Zoe. I ate some more of that potato and egg salad and yet again it’s feeling weird sitting in there. I need to stop eating it. I need to make some more hard-boiled eggs though… they are so good! I could easily eat two of them a day. I just have to be careful what form of egg I eat… scrambled eggs taste good, but make me feel like puking on a non-pregnant day. I should look into getting an egg poacher, too. I loved poached eggs on toast!

Damnit now I’m hungry again.

In other news, my belly pic from yesterday is posted on the belly pics page, for those of you who are interested in my flabby belly.

The skittles were good.

The skittle burps, however… not so appreciated. :gag:

Normally I only buy ice cream when it’s on sale. At our BigY there’s always SOME brand of ice cream on sale, so that’s what I get – in low-fat vanilla, for Den’s smoothies that he’s addicted to. Well last week when I went the little containers of Haagen Daas were on sale, 2 for the price of 1. So I picked out two flavors.

Oh. My. God. I am never going back. Is this what people feel about ice cream? I’ve never been a huge ice cream fan. But this pistachio ice cream is beyond delicious. It’s habit-forming.

::

Today I came home from work and got sucked into making baby registries on BRU and Target. I had so much fun. I already had a list saved on my computer – a budget of sorts, with what items I liked at the time I made the list (I think it was around a year ago). Of course half of that stuff has since been discontinued or I don’t like it anymore. Funny how that goes. So I’m not exactly expecting the lists I made today to stay set in stone… especially since colors will change when we find out if it’s a boy or a girl. It was more just for the fun of it. A year ago when I made the lists it was fun but wistful at the same time. This time it’s just exciting. People will actually be purchasing items from our registry. We will be buying stuff. It’s not just a “would be nice to have someday” but now I actually have to decide what I want.

It’s amazing to me that I’m “already” over 5 weeks along. I mean, on one hand it’s only a week, and that week took for freakin’ ever. But on the other hand… I turn around and I’m over 5 weeks pregnant.

In a way I feel like being forced to wait this long to get pregnant has benefitted the pregnancy in some ways. I’m being SO meticulous with tracking everything, taking photos, weighing myself. Granted I’m only on my second week here so it could fizzle out, but I feel so strongly about it now. This may be my only chance to go through pregnancy (of course we hope it won’t be, but no one knows what the future holds), and I just feel so driven to enjoy every single second of this time. I don’t think I’d feel the same, had I gotten pregnant when we started. It would have been a roller coaster ride, and I would have enjoyed (most of) it, but I wouldn’t have had this deep, deep thankfulness that I have now.

::

Yesterday when Den called I told him about BIL and SIL’s plan to be pregnant soonish. Den, being a very intelligent man who is very respectful of an infertile woman’s moods, paused for a moment and then asked, “Are we happy about this?” LOL

Whether it’s pregnancy hormones or what, I don’t know, but for whatever reason I saw some photos from a year ago – our second wedding reception at my parents’ house. (We had two – one here in the U.S., then a year later when I could travel outside the States we had a party in Canada for all my relatives.) So anyways, I’m going through photos and I run across this one from that day:

… and I just started crying. :cry:

One of THE BEST parts of that second party was that my dog got to attend. I got her when I was only 12 years old and I raised her, I babied her, I taught her. For her to attend my wedding reception was SO IMPORTANT to me no one will ever understand. That photo is framed and mounted on the wall above my desk.

And no the dog’s not passed on! She’s still alive and well, living with my parents. (She’s my dad’s dog too… even though she’ll always be my baby. He “fought” me for custody, heh.) But I still miss her.