Pregnancy has turned me into uber-bitch. Well, okay, not sure how much of that is the pregnancy. I’m just feeling really snarky lately and for no good reason. Got into a pretty big, long argument with Den (about whether or not we’ll have a doula at the birth, of all things), which in the end I think was pretty stupid. It needed to be talked about, but right now, and with an argument that had me in tears? Umm. Yeah. Not quite sure about that one.

The upside is that now I understand his viewpoint better and will be adapting my plans to hopefully accomodate both our wishes. He wishes to be extremely involved in the labor, to be my main support system. Which is great, just not something I really figured he’d throw himself into with such gusto. So we’ll be taking Bradley classes and training for the “big event.” I still want a doula there, though… I would feel much reassured with someone who has the knowledge and experience that comes along with it, and for someone to be there solely as my advocate to the doctors. Den thinks he can do all of it, but I don’t think he can be there helping me through each contraction and be watching the doctors and arguing with them if needed. Plus he sometimes has different opinions than me. He trusts doctors. A lot. (Like I get worried that a doctor would walk in and announce they’re going to do something – an episiotomy or something – that I totally do NOT want, and he’d be all, “Well the Dr. said so!”) So that’s kind of where I stand… I’m thrilled that Den wants to be my labor coach, but would feel greatly reassured to have a doula there. (I just wish he didn’t see a doula as some sort of new-agey scam. He really can cheese me off sometimes with his attitude. He has barely done any research at all – he read like three paragraphs – and had already made up his mind that they are quacks. Irritating, irritating.)

I’m at this weird state in my pregnancy right now. I’m over the initial shock and awe and euphoria, I have two weeks to go to my ultrasound that will confirm that there is a heartbeat, and now I’m just sitting in this weird space in between. I have a few little symptoms here and there, which honestly I really really appreciate – they’re not very bad, and they remind me that something is still going on in there. But for the most part I feel like I did beforehand. Life goes on. Work goes on. It makes it hard for me to really feel pregnant.

It’s weird that I wasn’t afraid to say “pregnant” or “baby” when I first found out… I was SO high on adrenaline and happiness. Now though it just feels weird. When people congratulate me I add, “But it’s early yet. My ultrasound is in two weeks.” I am, quite simply, scared. It still doesn’t feel quite real.

As far as symptoms go… I still feel full on much less than I ever did before. (And if I eat too much it really disagrees with me and either gives me indigestion or stomach upset of the make-way-for-bathroom kind.) It kind of highlights to me just how bad I was at portion control. Now I’m eating much healthier sized portions – I just need to remember to eat more often. I am not doing the starving pregnant lady thing (unless I don’t eat for 4 hours at a time, then my tummy starts growling). I’m snacking a little, but I’m a little concerned that I’m not getting enough calories. Anyone have any suggestions for books that are about or contain a good section on pregnancy nutrition? You know, one that isn’t going to freak me out and chastise me for not eating perfectly, but something that has a lot of info and suggestions in it.

I still feel a lot of twinges and tugs in my stomach. I think I like those the best. It’s something different and specific and really reassures me that things are happening. Some girls refer to “cramping” – this is definitely nothing like AF cramps for me. Usually not painful at all (though once in a while what feels like an ovary will have a bit of a stab). It just little “movements” across my abdomen. Things stretching and growing. And it’s just so cool to actually feel it happening.

My boobs are less sore now than they were in my two week wait. They aren’t growing yet. They aren’t changing color either.

I am not more tired than usual. I have been getting tired in the evenings, but that’s because I’ve been getting up at 6am for work. Blech. Mornings kill me. It’s a little frustrating that in the evenings I’m unable to concentrate enough to do things that I want to do (I flit from board to board, forgetting why I logged on in the first place!) and during the day I have so much work to get done. Saturday I have two events to attend (that I really do look forward to) and I have to drop Den off at the airport for his business trip. Despite the fact that both events are fun events, I am not so thrilled about having them both on the same day. I really appreciate my downtime. Sunday, I suppose. Though, yet again… more work that needs to be done Sunday. (I am happy that work is keeping me busy – my business is picking up and that’s a good thing! But man do I really wish I had more time to just sit and focus on me and being pregnant. To just be.)

I am not feeling any nausea, except one incident at work today. Remember I work with cats. Well one is sick and he sneezed snot all over. This is not an entirely unusual event. I went to clean it up, and just got hit by this need to puke… I gagged so bad and ran to the sink just in case and dry heaved a little bit. I don’t even know if you could call that nausea, it was entirely my gag reflex acting up. Which is also making swallowing my 4 pills a day more difficult.

Den and I have been reading weekly updates and looking at little 3-d images of what our little blog should look like about now. And to tell the truth it freaked me out a little. It’s a little… blob. Even when it gets to the hamster stage it’s a little better, but right now it’s this little shapeless blob that looks absolutely nothing like any form of baby. It’s really astounding what happens in there over 10 months. Just absolutely astounding.