I feel like crying tonight. Having a baby was supposed to be my goal, my focus… or rather, the baby was. I fully intended to be a full-time mommy – still do.

But where does that leave me now? A part-time job that doesn’t make much and a web design business that’s bringing in far less. And no focus. No passion. Hobbies, yes. Passions… not really.

I don’t have a career. I don’t really want a career. But I feel like, in the absense of a baby, I should have one. It’s a heaviness on my chest, like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m in limbo. I hate limbo.

I’ve been doing really good lately, emotionally, about the infertility. So well it’s made me wonder. But tonight I just feel this empty ache, like I’m missing something huge… and the horrible thought that I don’t know how else to fill it. What am I going to do with my life if I don’t have kids? Horrible thought, and too early really, but just the thought that I don’t know is upsetting.

I thought the whole “I don’t know what to do with my life” thing was supposed to be settled by now.

No indication whatsoever that my period is on its way. I know it’s coming… sometime… but definitely not today. And yet last time I was on the pill I wanted my period to stay away after my lap and it came anyways. What’s with that?!

On the good side of things I never did get around to cancelling my Midwife appointment (annual) tomorrow morning, and by the looks of it I won’t need to. It’ll be nice to have that done.

I feel sooo tired today. Yesterday I woke up at 7am with the sunlight and just felt chipper and ready to go go go (this is rare, just so you know). I love days like that. Today it took me an hour to get out of bed and all day I’ve just been fighting to stay awake. I feel like I need a nap something terrible. Ugh. I think I might hurry my day up so I can go home and go to bed. :(

Guess what showed up at quarter to 9 in the evening? Yep. I’m happy she’s showed so I can start stims! But I’m rather annoyed it had to pick the timing it did… it’s obviously too late to cancel my appointment tomorrow morning.

I can already feel the queasiness setting in.

Baseline scan and bloodtest is scheduled for tomorrow morning! Will be starting stims tomorrow evening, most likely.

Oh – and I called this morning to explain to the OBGYN’s office that my period arrived. They rescheduled me for next week. :D

I really can’t believe I’m this far into my IVF cycle already. I was just laying in bed last night thinking, holy crap, this is in some ways a “half-way” point… I have my period, I’m starting stims already!

The fun begins!!

Getting my period was exciting because I got to try out the new pads I’d ordered – they arrived yesterday.

First off, I think my favorites by far are the Happy Heiny’s. I like that they have a PUL liner so they won’t leak through, and they are the softest ones I have. Plus I like how the fluid gets pulled through the top layer into the middle layers, so it’s not just sitting on top like with the other two.

I got some organic cotton ones, and they’re okay. They worked fine, but were rougher to the touch than the HH.

The WAHMarama ones I bought last month are my least favorite. They work fine, but the fleece is a bit itchy to me (I think I have very sensitive skin).

Unfortunately even though I felt like I bought too many I still don’t have enough to get me through… but the good news is that I once again have an installed washer and dryer in my house so I can do laundry here at home. Woot! I will need to buy several more of the overnight size. I figure that even if I do get pregnant and don’t need them for 9 months I sure am going to need them postpartum.

PS, I love the color Periwinkle just as much in real life as in pictures. I don’t know why. It’s the best color ever! I can’t wait to buy diapers in pretty colors. Though, from my experience with pads – must not buy more than one or two diapers of each variety before testing them out to see if they work for me.

So this morning was my basline. My antral follicle count was 5 on my right, 6 on my left. My estradiol was 15. Everything looked good and ready, so I’m to start stims tonight. The RE called me just a few minutes ago to increase my dosage… she said my antral follicle count was a little lower than they’d hoped (for me with my age they’d hoped for a ton of antral follicles) and they don’t know how I’m going to respond to the medication so she’s putting me on 150 of follistim a day. I go back on tuesday morning for another blood draw to check my estradiol level and from there she’ll decide what dosage I’ll be on.

I’m trying not to worry about the antral follicle count, though Den was like, “What? That’s it??” I’m really unclear if more grow as you stim or if what you see is what you get.

Now I need to go clean the living room, wash some clothes (and pads, I’m running out), and then take a nap. Getting up at 7am on a saturday is not really my idea of fun!

So, first mixing meds experience tonight. It was… an experience. I of course was a little nervous and wasn’t sure exactly what I was doing. I got my “recipe page” and set it up in front of me – it’s the printoff of exact mixing instructions from the IVF unit – and followed it to the word. Okay, not quite to the word, but I went very slowly and carefully. 1 ml of diluent into 1 vial of menopur (using the big syringe); 5 units of lupron into that vial (using a small syringe); then 150 IU follistim into it as well (using the follistim pen). Then pull everything into the big syringe, twist off the big huge needle, twist on the tiny needle, inject it all. Or rather, I did everything up to that point, then called Den in to do the honors of the injection.

The last 4 nights injections of lupron haven’t gone as well as the first couple did – for some reason Den lost his “touch” and it hurt going in each time. I think it might have been because of the humidity in the air, so it wasn’t sliding through my skin as easily? Or maybe Den’s hand wasn’t as steady. Either way. Today it went in fine, which was a relief! But then as he pushed more and more liquid into me it started stinging! Yikes! that was a lot of fluid. A lot more than a small Lupron dose. I did have a big drop of blood form afterwards.

So this is what I get to look forward to the next week. In addition to frequent blood draws and vaginal ultrasounds. Whee fun! Making a baby was so much simpler when it involved just a penis.

*I wrote this last night and forgot to post it.*

So Den tried injecting slower today, in the hopes that it wouldn’t hurt as much. Umm, it didn’t work. It started off fine, then got worse, and then I was really making a face and wishing he’d pull the damn thing out of me. And it turned all red and blotchy afterwards. No blood this time, though.

I’m blaming the menopur. The lupron was obviously not a big deal. The follistim isn’t much more fluid either. But the menopur comes in a vial of powder and a vial of diluent. My instructions are to use 1 cc of diluent and inject it into the vial of powder… and then inject all of that (plus the lupron and the follistim) into me. Do you know how much 1 cc is? Well it’s a lot. And you know, a part of me thinks, well, it says you can mix several vials of powder with 1 cc of fluid. So if you only need one vial of powder, you should be able to use less, yes? I mean, logically. But of course I will keep shooting myself up with enough fluid to make my stomach cry because that’s what the instructions say. It does not, however, tell you it will hurt. Nope. Left that part out.

I am also confused about the baby aspirin and antibioitics. I have them. I know I’m supposed to take them at some point. But no one has mentioned them to me. I’m thinking I’m going to have to call the nurses tomorrow to find out.

I just talked to a nurse… we’re to start the doxycyclin (antibiotics) today and take them twice a day for 7 days. And I was reminded to take it with food or it will upset my stomach… lovely! And I’m to be taking the baby aspirin as well. Oh, and no advil for headaches, just tylenol… so I’m hoping I don’t get any headaches!

But no side effects so far, beyond a bruise on my stomach. :) Just like with the clomid I’m staring at the little bitty medication (in this case liquid in a vial, instead of a pill) and wondering how on earth that tiny amount can do anything. Especially when I’m having no side-effects sometimes I wonder if it’s just not doing anything! I’ll feel better tomorrow when the blood test shows my estradiol going up. :) I still need to look up what it’s supposed to be doing.

Ice packs get a big thumbs-up from me today. I decided to try icing my tummy before the injection, in the hopes it would numb it a bit. And to its credit it definitely helped! It still hurt, but just when I was bracing myself for the worst of it Den was done. It was a welcome relief.

In other news, my period is gone. Just like that, it’s gone. I was starting to think this was a horribly heavy period – I know me using cloth pads now has made it harder to judge how “normal” it was though. Different absorption rates and all that… it’s hard to tell if I’m having a “heavy” day or if the new pads are just making me paranoid and changing pads more often than I need to.

Getting through an entire period with only three pads (plus one overnight pad) is rather interesting, though. I ended up washing each one by hand as soon as I changed it, hanging it up to dry, then tossing it in the dryer on low for a few minutes to finish the drying so I could use it again. That was fun. I own more than three pads, but only three HH brand… and honestly every time I put on one of the other ones I got cranky and wanted my nice ones back.

The HH ones I don’t even really notice, they’re so soft. This is the first period where I haven’t felt like I never want to leave my bed again. I can’t even really explain it… normally I just feel so “gross” that I just don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. And I’m not talking about cramps and nausea… I’m just talking about how I usually feel dirty and icky and the pad makes me feel uncomfortable so I don’t want to do anything. (I would use tampons when I went out.) But honestly, this month hasn’t been the same at ALL. I’ve been walking daily. I’ve felt good enough to get stuff done and clean and keep my face washed and basically do everything but lay in my bed and mope. It’s really… weird. In a good way.

I’ll also mention that I never got cramps. I got the tiniest bit of nausea right when my period started, I took a midol, and nothing ever came back. Normally I feel crappy, I take a midol, I feel better in a little while, then a few hours later I’m feeling like crap again and I have to take another dose. Not this month. And no cramps at all. I know I read of other girls saying that they got less cramps and lighter periods when they switched to cloth but I honestly discounted it as illogical. My period was definitely not shorter or lighter… but I felt better. Maybe it’s because of my recent lap (even though the period before wasn’t better), maybe it’s psychosomatic. Who knows.

I can definitely see why it wouldn’t be for everyone, this cloth pads thing… the washing of blood would have made me feel ill years ago (I’m past that stage… long past that stage). Plus yes, they are a little bulky, so I don’t think they’re a good alternative to tampons if you’re into that. They’re a little more work, because of the washing (though with a normal stash you wouldn’t be washing them by hand every day, just throwing them in with your laundry!) and when I go out I have a wet bag – a little zippered waterproof bag – to store them in until I get home, so it takes forethought.

But for me, for my lifestyle, I think it works just great. I’m definitely sold.