I did not chart this month. I did not do OPKs. And since last month I was on BCPs it’s not guaranteed that I will have ovulated right on time this month. So I just sit and wonder – will my period arrive on Friday right on time? Will it be late? I hate not knowing.

I’ve decided my cycle ticker is a little bit useless now that I’m starting IVF. For my sig on various forums I created a blinkie that states my current stage in my IVF cycle – I created a blinkie for each “stage”. It makes me feel good to focus on the IVF.

Right now I’m just counting down. I really, really hope she’s on time.

Yes, I’m still on that silly cloth diapering kick. Lots of research. I love research. I should have been a scientist or analyst or something. ;)

There are a lot of opinions and a lot of ways to do things. A lot of my friends on the forums who do cloth diapering didn’t start until after the baby was 3 months old. That was my initial feeling too. But I’m SO gung ho on this I just don’t want to do disposables at all. But investing in a huge stash of pocket/all-in-one diapers for a newborn that they’ll outgrow in 3-6 months isn’t very financially doable. So here’s my current plan for a newborn:

36 prefolds at $1.00 each (Depending on the size/type. Right now I’m thinking Indian prefolds, some in preemie, some in infant size) = $40
A variety of different diaper covers, including Bummis Super Whisper Wraps, Whisper Pants, Proraps, and Stacinator Fleece. Estimate say around $80
4 Snappi fasteners for the prefolds = $10
6 doublers, 6 hemp inserts, 3 dozen cloth wipes = $80
Wahmies wet bags – 2 size small for the diaper bag, 1 wipes bag = $40
2 Swaddlebees pail liners (I think I like the elasticord better than the Wahmies elastic) = $40
Oh, plus I’m going to buy one or two of a couple different pocket dipers (Fuzzi Bunz, BumGenius, Swaddlebees) to keep on-hand for when Den will be in charge or when we go out and I want to show off the cool stuff. ;) I’m saying around $70 to experiment on size smalls.

So that grand total of all the stuff I will need to diaper my child until he/she grows out of the small size (3-6 months): $360. However a lot of this stuff can be used for far longer. The wet bags and pail liners are good for the entire time. The doublers/inserts and wipes will continue to be good for a long time, I just might want to add some more as we go. Snappis are good for the entire period. The diaper covers and the pocket diapers can be sold used for a pretty good price when they’re outgrown (or if I don’t like them) to recoup a lot of the cost (especially if I buy them used to start with). And the preemie/infant prefolds can be used as inserts in larger pocket diapers! To me that looks like a pretty decent investment.

Now I’m just hoping the prefolds are going to be as good as I’ve heard. A little more work than the pocket diapers, but certainly nothing mind-bending. (One option is folding them in thirds, placing them in the wrap, and velcroing/snapping it on. Even Den can do that!) And as long as the baby is being breastfed you can just dump the entire diaper in the wash, from what I’ve heard. (You have to wash the poop off into the toilet once they add other food to their diets, as it gets much nastier.)

Oh and did I mention? I went to Home Depot for some other project supplies and I of course went to look longingly at the front-loader washer and dryers. Turns out they have a special on, 10% off your first purchase over $279 using your Home Depot credit card, and 0 payments, 0% interest for 6 months. So Den decided we’re going to get them now!! (NOT what I was expecting!) The 0 payments for 6 months is most important, because we will have a bunch of cash coming in in August (a business trip Den’s going on) to pay it off…. we could wait until then to purchase them (what I was planning), but with 0% financing we can get them now and use them in the meantime. This makes me SO HAPPY. I will cry tears of joy when we chuck out our 20-year-old washer-dryer set we have. It SUCKS and it makes doing laundry very unpleasant.

I need to get pregnant so I can buy some diapers. I don’t think this obsession is going to go away until I get to play with them and stock up. I picture myself with my stash all clean and folded ready for baby and it makes me so happy.

I know it’s rediculous, but sometimes the last day or two I’ve caught myself thinking, Maybe I’m pregnant right now? I guess that hope never quite goes away, even at this stage.

I am feeling a little nervous about the IVF…. a little fear. Both fear of what I’m going to have to go through, and the fear of failure. I’ve gotten the trigger shots before and I know it’s not that big a deal really, but yet it is a big deal. And the thought of going through it and ending up with nothing just has me crying already. I have to focus on the cloth diapers and the baby gear and all the stuff that I will be using shortly… I have to believe that this is going to work.

Oh plus, I think I’m PMSing. I’ve been feeling totally out of whack the last couple of days… anxiety attack all Monday that made it hard to function, not wanting to sleep at night (or not being able to, I’m all wired and twitchy), and today when Den jumped into the room and shouted to “startle” me I nearly fell out of bed and yelled at him REALLY pissed off for like 15 minutes. I just keep double-checking to make sure I’ve taken my meds. I know I deal with wierdness now and then, but this is getting annoying.

Well, there is not the slightest hint of spotting. I hope this doesn’t mean that AF is still days away.

I am really feeling bad right now. All I want to do is go home and climb into bed with this here laptop and look up cloth diapers and make blinkies. But I’m at work and can’t leave for a little bit. :( I think I might just get stuff finished though so I can up and leave whenever I want. I just feel like hiding away from the world for a while.

How can one simple thing (getting your period before starting IVF) be something so exciting yet so sad and upsetting all at once? I just hope this doesn’t drag out. Please, let my body have ovulated normally this month.

Today again I checked my internal status. My cervix was low and open, a good sign for AF showing up soon. And sure enough, I had pinky-red CM! Looks like I’ll be getting AF late tonight or tomorrow.

OMG, how exciting is this, my IVF cycle is nearly starting!

Well, nothing yet. Which is not surprizing to me, as it seems that I notice spotting internally long before I actually start bleeding. And here I always thought my body doesn’t give me signals.

The other major signal my body is sending out is major bitchitis. All week I have been THE biggest bitch in the entire world. I’m generally okay at work, and I felt very good doing the grocery shopping this morning. But soon as I get home? I just turn into Ms. Crankipants Extrordinaire. A part of that may be because my kitchen is a literal disaster – we’re remodelling and the state of everything is driving me nuts. We seriously need to start cleaning up and putting things back when we’re done for the day… I have no room to work, there’s stuff all over the counter, I have to sweep the floor of crud about 10 times a day, and I can’t get to the kitty litter boxes to clean them. Gah.

But regardless of that… my temper is getting up at everything. Especially poor Den. I say poor Den because I fully realize that 99% of the time I’m totally overreacting and he doesn’t deserve it. (The other 1% he fully deserves to be smacked.) I tripped over the laundry basket yesterday just after fixing myself a pb&j sandwich. I dropped half the sandwich on the floor. I threw a fit. Not at anything in particular – though I did toss the laundry basket in a thunk to the other side of the room. I spent all this time fixing the perfect pb&j, cut in quarters – on the diagonal! – and I drop it on the damn floor.

And this is me before I start the medications. This is rediculous.

It’s unfortunate that I need to work this weekend (at my home office), because I’m totally craving an all-for-Natalie day. I might even…. shave. Yes I know, shocking. (Last time I shaved my legs was months and months ago. And it caused me to suffer incredible itching for two weeks. NOT my idea of fun. I bought a new shaver and shaving cream today, fingers crossed it helps or Den may never let me wear shorts again.) Too bad our bathtub doesn’t work for baths.

Ooooo, my body likes to fuck with me, yes she does. This morning I have no spotting, no tinge of pink. Nothing. But my cervix is wide open. Gah.

I got a pamphlet in the mail from the AFA about their Fertility and Adoption Conference in New York City on April 29th. I really really want to go. I asked Den how far a drive that is, he said 4 hours (Google Maps says 3). He in NO WAY wants to go to New York City. And going alone makes me feel really nervous, especially since it’s in NYC (I’ve never been in NYC, btw). But damn…. I want to go!! It sounds so interesting, tons of information, I would love to attend.

I guess I just need to work on the logistics of driving all that way for a one-day conference. :/

Update: I’ve been researching all day. The train does seem to be cheap enough, but they don’t run early mornings, so I’d miss the entire morning of the conference… pretty stupid. But staying overnight at a hotel is just not in the cards. I’ve done more searching and found that I could stay at a youth hostel for about $35 for the night – but I’d have to share a room with others. Is that a big deal? I don’t know if hubby would want me doing that. But it’s not like I need more than a bed for a night. (Wireless internet would be a bonus, though.)

Den keeps saying to me, “Is there never going to be another conference anywhere else?” I don’t know. Maybe there will be one in Boston someday. I don’t know. But the point is I’m going through this now. And I don’t really know why I want to go to this conference so bad. It sounds like it’s right up my alley… I love conferences, I love learning, I love lectures. And this is a topic that’s very near and dear to my heart. New York is honestly so close (in the grand scheme of things) and it seems like a waste if I didn’t go because it was a hassle.

But I’m still looking at around $180 for the conference fee, the train, the hostel, and a couple of meals. And maybe I should put that money towards something else. :(

Update2: I think I found something! The Metro-North train line runs from/to Grand Central out to New Haven, CT. It would be an hour and a half drive down to New Haven for me, but then I’d catch a train that would cost me only $30 both ways, get into Grand Central Station just before 7am which is when registration starts. Then when the conference gets out I can hop right back on the train and go home! I wouldn’t get to see any of New York, unfortunately, but it’s not like I can’t go back someday… preferably with my husband. But it brings costs down to a level that I can do this. :D Yay!

So I registered online for the AFA conference. :) I’m so excited. I’m very glad that I found a way to get there. Now I get to pick which workshops to attend. (And no, I didn’t have to pick them when I registered. I found that odd.)

I’ve already scratched off the list the ones regarding adoption, donor eggs, and donor sperm (since we’re not considering any of those at this time), and the LGBT topics (for obvious reasons). Plus scratched off a couple that I’m simply not interested in. Now I just have to make a couple more decisions.

First there’s Registration starting at 7:00am, complete with provided continental breakfast. Then there’s the Welcome, then a Keynote on Updates in ART and then one on ECT (Embryo Competancy Testing). None of those have anything running concurrently. After that there’s a coffee break before the Workshops start.

Workshop One I have two choices:

* Endometriosis – Management of Life Issues and Conception – I figure this could be interesting, considering I have Endo. Maybe I’ll learn something that I can use. However, I have very minimal Endo so I wonder how much would apply to me.

* Advances in IVF Stimulation Protocols – Right up my alley, right? ;) I love learning stuff like this. But on the practical side, I’m not sure how helpful that will be to us. But it sure would be interesting.

Workshop Two I really only have one after I narrowed it down:

* Single Embryo Transfer – The application of this is pretty obvious.

There was also Sexual Health in the Infertile Couple, which might have been an option, but I personally don’t think we have a huge issue with that, not like some couples. (Den of course might disagree with me, because he’s a horn-dog and always wants sex.) My desire is obviously down (or completely missing), but that’s pretty easy to figure out.

Lunch is after that. The info says there’s a concession, or we can go to some kind of restauraunt. I’ll probably do concession, I don’t feel like wandering outside in the middle of the conference and getting lost somewhere. :P

After that there are unfortunately two Keynote speeches at the same time that I would love to see, and I obviously can’t be in two places at once. Both sound wicked interesting, but I’m leaning more towards the first one.

* Having an IVF Baby One At A Time: The Elimination of High Risk Multiple Pregnancies

* Distinguishing Fact from Fiction: Evidence Based Infertility 101

Then for Workshop Three there’s again two contenders. There was also one about body image and infertility, but I don’t feel like I have a huge issue with that.

* Patient Friendly Infertility Treatment – Not really sure what exactly this will end up being. I wish they had descriptions, it would make it easier to narrow down.

* Stress, Relaxation Techniques and Reflexology – Which of course could be really useful in my upcoming cycle!

Then there’s another coffee break and a “special conference event” on donor compensation. And that’s it for my day. :) I hope on the train and head home!

I am just so excited, I really am. Den doesn’t really get why it’s so exciting to me, but I think it’s in big part because it’s an “adventure”, of sorts. I work out of my home part-time and part-time at a cat sanctuary. It’s not like I get out a whole lot. Plus I’m a total information junky and I love love love conferences and lectures. I really miss school but we just don’t have the cash to pay $400 for one class.

After Den had gone through his whole I don’t like cities, I don’t want to go to the conference, I don’t want to go away for the weekend thing, he told me I could go but he wasn’t going to… and I decided I am fine to go alone. I considered staying at a shared-room hostel until I found the train that runs early-morning. I told him I’d find a train and it was cheap and I was all set to go. Yay! He comes in minutes later and tells me he’s not sure he wants me going into New York by myself. My reaction was something like this: o.O Why didn’t he tell me that in the first place? Why save it until I’d already made a decision and registered? But I patted him on the head and told him I’m a big girl and I’d be fine. What’s he going to do, sit outside the hotel for 8 hours? The train even goes straight to Grand Central Terminal, the hotel is directly across the street. I’ll be just fine.

(And this will not be the first time alone in a city. I’ve gone into Vancouver by myself for some immigration things, plus for some job-related things. And one year before we were married I ended up stranded in Chicago overnight due to a snowstorm, had to go find a hotel to stay at overnight. I found the experience rather liberating. I had to walk down a street at night to find someplace to eat… I found a diner, ordered a meal, ate in peace, walked by to my hotel and had a lovely night’s rest until I had to leave to catch my 6am flight. I somehow got through that experience feeling more refreshed than when I started! In fact I think I would love to go into NYC on my own and stay at a hotel and do sightseeing in addition to the conference… it’s only money that stops that’s idea, we just don’t have $100+ for me to stay overnight just for fun. The wrong city for finding a nice hotel room for cheap!)

Oh and PS? Period still hasn’t started. I. Hate. My. Body.