Manda, author of Twin Ladybugs, lost one of her twin baby girls yesterday. I do not know her, but my heart breaks for her. What a horrible tragedy.

This is the bedding set I want for a little girl. It’s so perfect! It makes me go “awwww”. And yet it’s not all cartoon-y and theme-y. Simple stripes and floral. Perfect.

This is the one I’m still liking for a boy. :) And as an added bonus, I think both of them go together if we ended up with b/g twins. (With light green walls, in that case.) Do people do that? Do different bedding for b/g twins? Not that I care what “others” do. ;)

But there’s a few others on that site that are super cute too, like this gender neutral one. I’m just not a huge fan of gender-neutral though. :/

And of course Den walks in and says he doesn’t like either of them. Doesn’t like the stripes. I believe he said, “That pink one looks like the interior of a ’70s cadillac.” I told him I wasn’t alive back then so it didn’t matter and I liked it. :P

Massachusetts is one of the 5 states that does not have any specific legislation protecting nursing mothers. A bill is in the works but is taking quite a while to pass. I need to write some letters. Just for my own notes, this is my state representitive. Unfortunately I really don’t understand if he’s the one I need to contact at this point or not… the whole U.S. legal system confuses the hell out of me.

I find it very odd that Massachusetts – frequently referred to as the most liberal of states – is one of the 5 without legislation. I really hope this bill gets put through soon.

On the forums I like to poke my head into the pregnancy groups (you know, the kind that are grouped by month) to just see what’s going on – especially when I’m in the 2ww and hopeful that I’ll get to join them. Like with everything baby, sometimes it hurts to look, but sometimes it’s reassuring to look and think someday that will be me.

Today as I was looking in the latest one (Sept-Oct, which I am quite obviously not going to be in) I checked out a poll they had asking the pregnant girls what # this one was for them. There was a small number of #1s, a much larger number of #2s, and a good number of #3s and #4s. I flipped through the replies, seeing all the baby-birthday tickers along with the new pregnancy tickers.

And I realized then that it’ll never be “okay”. When we crossed the line into infertility and all that resentment and anger and frustration just kept building up I maintained the belief that once I got pregnant it would all be okay. I’d never forget, but I just felt like I’d be able to leave it all behind me and just be pregnant. But I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at someone laughing that they got pregnant by accident and not wonder Why is it so easy for other people, and so hard for me? I don’t think being pregnant and having a baby will ever really erase this sadness from my heart. Not when we’ll want to try again, and will have to live with the knowledge that we’re likely going to have to go through all of this again.

Maybe I’ll be wrong. Maybe knowing I have a baby inside me will make everything better so I can just feel happy for everyone. But I don’t think so.

When Den and I were driving home from the IVF class he was expressing his frustration and concern. He told me he’ll never stop worrying. He said when he didn’t know anything getting pregnant seemed like such a simple thing. But now he knows all the details of what happens, of what can go wrong… it seems so much more complicated, so much more fragile. And he mentioned that even when I get pregnant he’ll still worry – when he wouldn’t have before.

Infertility has changed us irrevocably. I like to think it has and will make us stronger – stronger as a couple and stronger as an individual. But it’ll always be a weight we carry. It will never truly go away.

I love this set!! So cute!

The best part about being on birth control? Having a drink while watching TV. Okay, it’s not as good as anything in the restaurant, but it’s something, and it’s giving me that pleasant warm feeling.

I’m watching Men Having Babies on Discovery Health and I just have such a smile on my face watching their ultrasound appointments. After I’m not sure how many IVF tries, with their last try they gambled and put three embryos in – and got pregnant with a singleton. Watching how happy they all are is so wonderful! (Gay male couple with a lesbian surrogate and her partner.) I’m just so thankful that they have medical options to achieve pregnancy through surrogacy. (well I’m glad we have it too, but it’s rather difficult to get pregnant when you’re gay!) What a blessing, all of it. What a wonderful thing that we have that option (if you can afford it).

I’ve already been starting to worry and re-think my decision to transfer only one blast. I know it’s only going to get worse. I think I’m more afraid of a negative than of twins. And that might be what it comes down to. Den and I were debating finances in the truck – would it be more expensive to have twins, or to pay for all the meds for a second IVF round? I immediately said “Twins! Twins are expensive!” But he pointed out that we were planning on having two kids anyhow. Granted hand-me-downs and things (though there’s less of that if you figure a boy and a girl of different ages, less that can be handed down – or at least less that you want to). And with IVF, whatever money we spend on it, each try, is money out of our pocket that can’t go towards our future baby/ies. So I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’ll put off the decision until we’re closer to having to make it.

I’m really starting to feel impatient though. I want to get this started. Definitely April instead of May. I can’t wait until May. lol Well we’ll see what the doctor says on Friday – there might be a scheduling issue that I don’t yet know of, but if I were given my own choice I’ll start the IVF cycle with my April period.

Woo this drink is hitting me. One drink and I feel fuzzy, lol. That’s so pathetic. :) (But to be fair, I did put far too much vodka in it!)