Well I believe I am having what they call hot flashes. Thing is, I don’t know if I can blame it square only the clomid or not – I’ve been having similar episodes for months now. Months and months. I stopped paying attention to them really because they seem to come so frequently and randomly. But it’s usually about once a night I wake up sweating. Yuck. But last night laying in bed, drifting off to sleep, suddenly started burning up. It feels like waves of heat. So I push off the blankets and wait for it to subside, then slowly inch the blankets back up over me as I get cold again. Then I fall asleep. It can be rather annoying though, since I can only sleep if I’m at the right (cool) temperture.

I’m still feeling nervous about the whole IUI, though not because of the IUI itself. I keep thinking, “It was monday I went in right? Day 12? What if it was Day 10, OMG!” or, “They never mentioned a specific time. Do I just go in the morning? Or maybe they forgot to give me an appointment! Should I call??” Sigh. My panicky nature is driving me crazy.

I decided to not call the nurses on friday, and instead just wait for the monday ultrasound to ask what my blood test numbers were. I figured it wasn’t important enough to call when I was going in just a few days. Of course that decision could have been influenced by my severe dislike of using the phone. :rolleyes: I need to make up a list of questions to ask so I don’t forget.

OMG Just had a major – but brief – panic. Looked up my entry from my first RE appointment and I wrote that I was going in on day 10 for an ultrasound. Which would be yesterday. Panic, panic… pull out the instructions they gave me. Instructions say day 12. Breathe, breathe. So yes, going in tomorrow morning. Need to stop panicking over it all!

I’m up way earlier than I want to be on a day that Den isn’t working (he’s still asleep), I woke up drenched in sweat, the cats climbed and fucked up my damn christmas tree again, and I have reason to suspect the nurse fucked up my instructions and that I should have gone in on day 10, not day 12. My biggest fear right now is that we’ll be too late to do the IUI.

And now I have to go because I’m freezing and the cats are beating the shit out of each other. Not that I really mind that last one right now, looking at my poor christmas tree, but it’s somewhat annoying.

Well the news is good and bad.

I didn’t sit very long in the waiting room, I wanted to read but they ushered me straight back to an ultrasound room and told me to strip from the waist down. So I did, put that flimsy sheet on me (more because it was cold than for any form of modesty – I’ve never understood that stupid sheet anyways), and waited. I didn’t pick up my book because I figured they’d be right in. I waited and waited. Finally scootched off the table to grab the book, read a page, they walked in.

So this time it was an ultrasound tech and a nurse. They introduced themselves and went to take a look.

Four big huge follicles on my left ovary. All four 20 – 22.5mm. They kind of blinked a little and said, “We don’t usually see responses like this. We usually hope for one or two good follicles. At this point we start getting concerned about multiple birth…” Oi. Then the tech said, “Okay, let’s take a look at your right. If that one has 4 too, we have problems.” She also said in a wry voice, “Our goal is to get you pregnant – not get you on the cover of a magazine.” lol The right ovary had nothing at all but little tiny dots, and we all breathed a sigh of relief. It’s also further reassuring that the follicles are on my left side, which is my known clear tube, and not the right which is still a little iffy. Then the tech left me with the nurse.

She asked me how I feel about selective reduction, and I told her I have no problems with it. (As I said to Den, “I have no moral quandary about it. Two – max.” ) She did give me my trigger shot – which surprizingly didn’t hurt or even really pinch at all – but said that she’s going to talk to the doctor and that the doctor may decide to cancel the IUI and have us just have intercourse this cycle in order to decrease our chances of a multiple birth.

Four! It took me a while for that one to sink in, but the thought of quadruplets?! But I reminded myself that I’ve been ovulating every month, 13 times now, with nothing happening. So I feel that my chances of all of them fertilizing and implanting is pretty slim. But I am having to face the very real possibility of twins. OMG. Twins. Seriously – Den’s family has enough twins already (two sets). His mom said once or twice that she absolutely loves her granddaughters and grandsons, but it would be nice to have a singleton to spoil.

So yeah. Good news: timing is good, good follies, good chance at pregnancy. Bad news… very scary possibility of multiples.

I keep thinking, oh crap what have we got ourselves into?

I am feeling angry today. I know I “should” be happy about my follies, but I’m angry.

I’m angry that we have to go through this. Angry that I need to have injections in my stomach, medication that can be risky, driving back and forth, giving sperm, injecting it, dye tests, blood tests. I’m angry that this is happening to me. That other people just… decide to have a baby. And poof they have a baby. I’m angry that there’s no apparent reason for any of this either. My eggs seem to be good. Den’s sperm is good. Our timing is good. So what the fuck?

I’m angry that my excitement has been diminished. Four follies is great – unless you’re terrified of multiples like I am. Now I’m panicking. And I’m playing the guilt game – blaming myself for making the choice to go to the RE “so early” (because there is no obvious problem), to go on medication to increase our chances. As if it’s my fault. I know it’s not – but every once in a while the thought snakes into my head that if I end up pregnant with multiples I am going to feel like it’s my fault. And how will I feel if I have to do selective reduction? I don’t have any moral objections to it – but it’s risky, and it’s not something anyone wants to do. So where does the anger come in? Because before I was holding my breath each month waiting for a BFP. Hoping, waiting. If I saw a BFP I was going to break down in thankful, grateful tears. But now? If I get my BFP this cycle now it’s mixed with fear. And I’m friggin angry about that. I want to hang onto that joy and hope. I don’t want to have to deal with more worries than I already have!

And I know all of this is completely rediculous. Because, honestly, I’m feeling angry about things that haven’t happened! But I can’t help how I feel.

I’m not too certain that my mood is actually a result of any of this anyways, I think it’s the other way around – I’m in a bad mood, so I’m obsessing over things. I’m also feeling frustrated and angry with work, with the pets, with the fact that my husband ate all the freaking cookies I baked last night. I’m just in a very irritable mood. So I have locked myself in the bedroom with the one pet least likely to piss me off (my dog) and my books and I don’t plan on coming out.

Oh, and by the way – my stomach is very tender where I got the injection. It’s the weirdest thing, since it didn’t hurt at all during the actual injection. But I had to work today, which involves lifting, which involves resting things against my stomach. Erg. That was a balancing act. It doesn’t hurt, it’s just tender like a bruise. My ovaries aren’t feeling weird anymore either. This morning I woke up with them feeling funny and that’s why I thought I’d ovulated. Guess they were just squashed. No more squashed feeling. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow morning.

The IUI wasn’t cancelled. I never got a call from the doctor. So I made the appointment at the lab to drop off and pick up the specimen. We decided to use a room there rather than rush a sample in from our house. Just easier. Luckily he doesn’t have much of a problem with that – not as much as other husbands, at least that’s how it seems to me. I don’t know if he’s planning on sticking around after that though, he might want to be dropped off at work. We need to be there at 7am to give the sample, then they want me back at 9am for the insemination. Not sure what I’m going to do in between, especially if Den isn’t with me. If he does stay with me maybe we’ll go for breakfast or something.

So. Four follies and an IUI. Now it’s a numbers game.

I am feeling much better today. Still not unfettered excitement, but hopeful and not quite so freaked out. Everyone else seems to think that my situation is really good, so… who knows.

We did go ahead with the IUI, we had it this morning. We reserved a private room for the “sample emission”, and poor hubby was all wigged out. He hid around the corner when I went up to the window to announce our arrival. LOL! Men are such dorks.

So the numbers… after the wash we had 47 million total motile sperm. I didn’t catch the total sperm, but he had a very high percentage of motile sperm, giving us quite a good number!

It was pretty quick and easy. Although it did give me a few flashbacks to the HSG when she was putting the catheter in – she said my cervix is a little twisty and very tight, making it a little more interesting. It wasn’t our usual RE, I’m not actually sure what her name was, I didn’t catch it. But she was very nice, chattered away at us the entire time.

Although the funniest part was watching Den in the room while I had my IUI. I sat down on the table and he was seated on a chair off to the side. The RE said he could stay there or move up to the chair beside my head to hold my hand. I shrugged and said whatever was fine. So he intended to stay where he was, until I layed down and spread my legs in the stirrups, then Den realized he had far more of a view than he had bargained for and he made a run for the chair by my head. LOL!! He held my hand the entire time. Somehow I got the feeling I was comforting him more than him me.

He is so hopeful and excited this month. I am not nearly as expectant as him. He keeps telling me not to worry and talking about how I could be pregnant right this second. He asked when I can test and got all excited when I told him the date (Dec 17 is what I’m telling him – that’s 12dpiui), he said it will be a wonderful christmas present. He’s very cute, but at the same time I worry how hard he’ll take it if this cycle doesn’t work out. I worry how hard I’ll take it, especially right before christmas. As if I really need more to fret about.

Right now I’m just trying to focus on the numbers, on my organization, and just stop worrying about possibilities for the moment. I just need to keep my mind busy and I’ll be fine. 12 days to wait.

I am most definitely ovulating today. My left ovary (at least now I know that feeling is definitely my ovary!) feels very stretched and tender. It’s not painful, just very odd, very strange feeling. I’m getting impatient, though – I informed Den that his duty is not completed yet, I want to get one good BD session in today, but he is STILL playing his computer game. I don’t think he has ever quite understood the small window of chance – which is why I’m always in charge of timing. Of course this month it’s not as if that’s really important, with the IUI and all, but damnit. I want to make sure.

Ovary still aching. Still tired too. My injection site has stopped being so tender, at least.

Den’s already patting my stomach in the morning and saying, “Hi baby!” Cute, but still… no sure thing yet. This is going to be a very long 12 days. I should keep busy enough, with christmas shopping and everything, but it’s so hard to concentrate on other things. (I can imagine it would only get much worse if I found out I was actually pregnant – I won’t be able to concentrate at all this christmas!) I guess this christmas is either going to be really really good, or really bad.

It’s 12:30am so I can say I am 2dpiui today. Yay! One more day crossed off the calendar.

My ovary has stopped aching, so it’s pretty safe to say I’ve ovulated and those little eggs are on their way. Yippee! I found out on a forum that after the hcg trigger your follicles will grow another 3-5mm. I was trying to draw out how big 22mm was, and then adding another 5… ouch. And there were 4 of them! No wonder I ached so bad. It’s making me think about how uncomfortable an IVF cycle would be!

Someone on a forum mentioned mini-stim IVF. Only a couple of doctors are doing it right now (the ones mentioned were in St. Louis and New York), but it may catch on as a viable alternative for those who respond well to meds like clomid. The success rate is probably not as high as with traditional IVF because the simple fact that you’d get less eggs. But it’s a lot cheaper and a lot easier on your body. For me it sounds exciting – I mentioned it to Den, though, and he thinks even if that were an option that we should do traditional IVF because our insurance covers it and it has a higher success rate. That’s a little disappointing to me – I’m still not at the point to accept IVF yet but it would be easier to accept mini-stim IVF. It’s a smaller stepping stone. And less invasive and less medication – as Den put it when I said just that, “You’ve always been like that.” (Not wanting to take more medication than is absolutely necessary, that is. Despite the fact that I finally “gave in” and now am on daily medication for my depression, I still would actively fight against taking even tylenol for headaches. Obviously my views have relaxed somewhat over time.)

Not that I really need to think about IVF right now. But the way I responded to only 100mg of clomid would make me a really good candidate for the MS-IVF.

Okay, I’ve really had quite enough of this waking up drenched in sweat thing. And I can’t even blame it on the clomid – it’s been happening for months now. *sigh* Maybe it’s because of our heavy winter blanket. But yet, I go from cold and snuggled in to hot and sweating and throwing the covers off, then ten minutes later I’m cold again. I just hate the feeling of waking up all hot and sweaty. Yick.

I’ve found this same little blurb on about 5 different websites – and more still with the same statistics and slightly different wording.

Well we have multiple follicles alright. But still only 26%? Blah. What I really want to see is a study done taking into account different situations: woman’s age, sperm count, number of follicles, diagnosis, etc. I want to know what my predicted success rate is – or at least the success rates for people like me.

I’ve been telling Den the last few days that now his sperm have no excuse for not reaching the egg. I told him that if they don’t it’s all his fault -they’re his little men. I sighed and said, “They’re probably all swimming in circles because there’s no directions posted in my uterus.”