My chart is looking fairly likely that I ovulated about two days ago, right when I thought I did. However, even putting in fake temps for tomorrow and the next day, I’m not getting a cover line. probably because I missed a temp on CD14. But it’s still annoying me. CD14’s temp shouldn’t matter, as CD15 was about the same level as all the previous ones. Missing days is inevitable for me, and it annoys me greatly that FF can’t figure something out, even dotted lines, when it happens. But either way, I’m pretty sure I ovulated. Tomorrow’s temp will confirm.

Yes, I definitely ovulated!! And… FF gave me coverlines! Solid lines, too. Oh how sad is it that this gets me very excited. It’s saying exactly what I was thinking, anyways – ovulation on CD 15. My temp was already slightly starting to rise that morning, and my CM the rest of the day was creamy, so I’m thinking I ovulated early in the morning while I was sleeping. Just conjecture, of course. But that one afternoon of sex is great timing, 2 days before. And since we hadn’t had sex in days, I’m hoping that’s just what we needed.

Now on to the horrible 2 week wait.

My tactic this month: I am not using my laptop in bed. I haven’t for a week, since I put it on the dining room table for sunshine reasons. And now I’m going to try really hard not to tote it back into the bedroom. I’m worried about the heat of it hurting any little zygote. I know any normal person would have removed the laptop at once, but that is SO hard for me, even harder than cutting out lots of sweets from my diet (seriously). I LOVE snuggling into bed with my laptop and working on stuff. I feel so exposed out here sitting at a table… and so uncomfortable. Anyways, if I do end up getting my BFP I’ll ask my midwife whether or not it’s okay. I forgot to ask last time I was in. Doh.

A very well-meaning woman that I know online emailed me specifically to tell me to relax. I only brought up TTC in a thread because one of the other women there are pregnant, and I congratulated her but mentioned that I may or may not be replying to baby threads, because of our situation – I just didn’t want her to take it personally, the “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. ;) I tend to be upfront like that.

But what do you reply to the “just relax”? I didn’t want to spaz out – okay, I did want to, but thought it was a bad idea – because the woman is very nice, I like her, I know she’s well-meaning. But arrgggggg. Arg. What I ended up doing was mentioning that, scientifically, “relaxing” doesn’t change the probability of the outcome (unless stress is messing with ovulation). I then went on to just explain our situation a little (since she brought it up) and hopefully get across some of the sadness and frustration we feel. And point out that we don’t know if there’s a medical problem or not.

On the plus side, she didn’t say that relaxing will solve all TTC problems – she prefaced it with, “If you have done testing and know you are ovulating and hubby’s sperm count is good…” So that to me says that at least she understands there are bigger problems. So I just replied that we don’t really know yet – beyond knowing that my charts say I’m ovulating (there can be problems beyond that that we don’t know, unfortunately, like insufficient uterine lining) and we’ll be finding out Den’s SA next month, we don’t really know. That’s part of what makes this so frustrating right now, because every month of negatives make us think that something is wrong and we just don’t know what it is.

This month’s post-O temps are very consistent. It’s a little weird. Especially due to the fact that my waking times have been all over the map this month. I figure I’m going to continue this temping thing, since it does seem to work, but I’m just not going to stress about when I wake up – just me getting several hours of sleep strung together is an accomplishment. So I’m hoping that these stable temps are a good sign. Although I’m of the opinion that temps mean absolutely nothing until you get near the end of your LP. There really don’t seem to be any “indicators” of pregnancy until the end when it jumps up instead of drops down. But eh, I keep looking for something to give me hope.

Yesterday my stomach area was feeling funny. I was eating quite a bit – mostly junkfood, I’m afraid – and my stomach had this pinching, light cramping feeling on the left side. I don’t know if it was from the food, from the lifting I’d done at work on monday, or something else. Here’s hoping for the “something else.”

I’m finding that the first week after O goes by quickly enough. I have other things on my mind. There’s nothing to obsess over yet. We did our job, now it’s just the wait. But after about a week it really starts to drag and I start getting impatient – not that I was really patient to begin with.

I’ve set my first testing date as saturday (11dpo). Early, as always, on the off-chance I’m one of the lucky few. AF is scheduled to arrive next tuesday. So we shall see.

Last night I had a dream. Den and I were bargaining, and what I got out of the bargain was to test early. For some reason he did it for me, though… he went into a bathroom and took forever. (Am I to assume my pee was already in there??) It was torture waiting. When he came out he had a little test, and when I looked I saw two pink lines. I started crying. I ran around showing everyone. I grabbed a camera and took a million pictures to get the right one.

And then I woke up. It was so depressing to wake up and realize that it was just a dream.

I hope this is a good sign. But more likely, it’s a sign of my obsessive impatience.

I had the dream again. Well, slightly different – in this dream I was thinking about the other dream, thinking, “Well at least this one’s not a dream!” I don’t know if this is my mind’s way of laughing at me, but it’s really not too funny.

All I can hope is that my body knows something I don’t and that this is a good sign. If it’s not, it’s going to make me cry even more.

My stomach feels very tight, and at this point it’s not hunger because I already ate (I was feeling hunger pains this morning). I’m going to try to find something healthy to munch on to see if this goes away.

Well that didn’t help… now I just feel tight and bloated. lol

Added: Okay, roast beef sandwich + orange juice = bad bad idea. Ug. Ug.

I had problems getting to sleep last night, because I was thinking about testing. This morning I woke up all at once, feeling anxious and negative instead of excited and hopeful. I layed there for a while before getting up to test. I grabbed my watch to time it. I puttered around the bathroom as I waited. I’d glance over at the test every 30 seconds or so. One line came up nice and dark. One line.

At this point… I just don’t really believe I’ll ever see a second line – not without something to give me reason to believe it (like doing IUI or something that ups our chances). Month after month, I stare at that test and one line develops. At cycle 10 you’re really thinking, if it didn’t happen the previous 9 months, why would this month be any different? Thankfully, state of mind does not affect the amount of hcg in your urine.

So no more testing for me. I don’t think I’ll be testing early next month either. I’ll just wait, and see if I’m late. At this point I’d be downright shocked to get pregnant. *sigh*

(Oh, and to make me even grumpier – I was so preoccupied with testing this morning that I forgot to take my temp. Gah.)

Note for later – a recommended book: Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.