Work is going really well… I’m enjoying it. The people seem nice. When there are no customers we sit around and talk about girlie things, like labor. And, you know, I actually get to join in. As crappy as this year has been, as huge a loss as we have had, it is so awesome to finally get to join in these kinds of discussions. I’ve been there, I’ve experienced it. The infertile side of me is just so happy about that. I think these social situations would have been much harder before getting pregnant than they are now after our loss.

Everyone at work now knows about Devin and what happened, and they’ve been really good about not freaking out. I do notice everyone backpedals when they first find out… they apologise for bringing it up. I can understand that. Of course they’re going to feel nervous, they don’t know what kind of mental space I’m in. At least they are thinking about how horrible it must be. I respond by letting them know that it’s okay to talk about it, I’m okay with that. It doesn’t take them long to pick up on my ease of speaking about my pregnancy experience and I feel like I’ve been included as one of the “mommies.”

Watching the pregnant girl is hard though. She’s almost at her due date and of course everyone is talking about it. I try not to stare. Everyone else looks at her with pity, “Oh that poor girl, she’s so uncomfortable.” I’m the only one there who looks at her with envy. I would trade places with her in an instant. Not just because she’s getting a baby shortly, either – but simply because boy do I wish I knew what it felt like to be almost to your due date. I was cut short, and was still pretty comfortable. Oh I was having some trouble sleeping, and he had a foot in my ribs, but I still wasn’t huge, wasn’t ready to have it done with. I’d give anything to experience that. I really hope next time I can ride it out to my due date before having a meltdown and needing to get induced for my own sanity (because of the loss – not because of discomfort or anything). I feel like I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering what it’s like.

I know I’m unusual, and possibly a little irrational. Even among infertiles, who do treasure the experience, most people really just want the baby at the end. I revel in the pregnancy. I loved it so much. I miss it – not just Devin, but miss feeling pregnant. I miss the nausea, the aching, the waddle, the tight belly and popped-out belly button. I miss it so much it hurts.

If I was told I couldn’t get pregnant again I don’t know what I’d do. I spend every day counting down my time to doing IVF – to the next chance I get to be pregnant again. I’m really glad to be busy most of the day. I’m really glad to have something to do with my time. I know I’d spend my whole day obsessing, and that’s just not healthy. (Not certain pushing myself this hard is all that healthy, either, but at least it’s just temporary.)

My first guest post on Glow In The Woods went up today. It was so hard to write, not because of the subject matter (light knows I like to babble) but just because I had a topic and a deadline and I sat myself down to write. Maybe some people do well in that situation. I don’t. So it was nervewracking to send it in and hope it came across well, and hope it sounded like it belonged with all the other fabulous posts over there.

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I think my period is hovering just around the corner. I’m still waiting.

I lit two candles in my front window, a purple and a blue (I didn’t have any pink). I want people to see from the street. Maybe someone out there will know why they’re lit tonight.

Then I lit the storm candle that I have been appreciating since Devin’s 6 month birthday.

It’s kind of peaceful.

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7pm I will be lighting a candle in memory of Devin and the other babies that we have lost.

There is too much grief in this world of babyloss… too many aching holes in our hearts. Not just for us mothers, either… but for everyone who walked beside us. Our families, our best friends, our blog readers. So many wept for us.

I know that nothing will bring Devin back, nothing will somehow make this easier. But I hope by reaching out – talking to coworkers, putting stickers on my car – that people will at least know that there is this world out there they never knew about and probably never really wanted to consider. People are not bad, they just don’t know. They don’t know how common it is. They don’t know how many of us suffer.

I will not grieve silently. My blog, and Devin’s website, are one of the ways that I ensure that his life is never forgotten. It is not much, but it is something.

Today we light a candle. Today we shed a tear. Today we remember.

There was a moment today when I thought my period had started. I don’t think I’ve never been so happy at that prospect. I went skipping to the bathroom only to find out… wasn’t my period. Just the usual. I was disappointed.

Heading into cycle day 34 with no end in sight. Fantastic.

Saw the ENT today for my initial appointment. He checked things out in my nose and throat, no polyps or anything obvious. From my history and answers to some questions he is pretty much presuming that I have allergies of some kind that is keeping my nasal passages inflamed. So when I got sick last time it just made it all worse, the allergies is preventing it all from going back to normal, and so my throat can’t recover. Sounds about right to me. *sigh* He also said that I will get polyps if it’s allowed to stay in this yucky state.

So we’ve scheduled a full allergy screen for next tuesday. At the end of that they should be able to tell me what it is that I’m allergic to and what I can do to start feeling better.

Fucking allergies, man.

I feel like who I am is being stripped away one later at a time. I know allergies seems like a small issue to complain about. But I was never the girl who had allergies. Now I am. Every time I turn around there is something else foisted on me that completely redefines me. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Yeah, it’s fucked. Big huge rusted out hole in the frame. And the guy said… wait for it… “I’ve never seen that before.” Oh. My. Fucking. God. Can I STOP hearing that term in relation to me?? Or maybe I could see it in terms of spontaneous pregnancy or something GOOD.

So. Car needs new frame. They’re going to try to find one off an old car that will work, or else it’s $$$.

So… where’s the nearest bridge? Or else I’m just going to curl up in the fetal position and cry for a good long while.

And, my period is looking like it’s going to be late again. In fact with me being sick I’d say there’s a very good chance my period could be a week or so late. This pisses me off. I had over a year of 28-day cycles. Now I have 32, 33 day cycles.

This is throwing my timing for my IVF cycle all out of whack, pushing things back a week or even two. I could end up with everything happening on christmas day at this rate. One of the last things I have left is the ability to plan out my IVF cycle, or so I thought… now I don’t even have that left.

I really don’t know how to get past the anger. It is normal, my therapist says, it is normal. But I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling this way all the time.

I feel like lashing out all the time. Stupid comments, ignorant things, irritations that I really should just roll my eyes out. I feel the anger build and I want to throw down my stuff, storm out and quit. I QUIT. I’ve had ENOUGH of this stupid shit!

I haven’t yet. I don’t want to stupidly say something I’ll regret 2 seconds later. But I feel it simmering just under the surface, seething.

I don’t know what to do about it, I really don’t. I can write about it, vent and yell, but it’s still there. I think I liked the deep sadness better. At least that was justifiable, understandable. This seems so out of left field. It makes me feel so out of control.

I long for peace. I hope someday soon I can get past this.

I think this virus is finally on its way out of my system. Of course the three worst days of it were the three I had to work at the bank. I felt really bad about handling money when I’m sick. I used a lot of hand sanitizer. (This has really made me realize I’m going to get sick a lot more often now.) I still felt crappy yesterday morning, but by evening my sinuses are clearing out. This morning my throat is bugging me… a byproduct of the drainage, I guess. I’ll be glad when this is gone.

::

Just when I think I’m finding my footing I feel like jumping off a bridge again. My car failed inspection. Frame is rotted, he said. What?? The guy – a snotty, I don’t give a shit about your life guy, shrugged and told me he doesn’t think there’s a way to fix it, the car is “old.” Old?? My last car was over 20 years old and in good shape. This one is 7! You don’t go shrugging and telling me it’s time to junk it! Fucking asshole!

Regardless, “frame” is not a word one ever wants to hear when it comes to broken car parts. I am in a panic. I just bought the car last year (at what time it passed inspection without a problem with the frame). We cannot afford to buy a new car.

I just feel so defeated. I don’t even have much optimism anymore. I walked up to the car with a sinking feeling… it could have passed inspection, it could have been a minor problem. But it wasn’t. It was exactly what I expected.