Flying while pregnant, not as fun as I remembered.

It was the long flight that got to me, and almost right away – my right knee feeling like the muscle under my kneecap were slowly twisting in a knot. I have no idea what’s up with my knee, but it does this every time I fly now, ever since I was pregnant with Devin.

My tailbone, too. I tried to lean my chair back to sleep and owowow! So I had to spend the entirety of my flights either leaning to one side or leaning forward. That didn’t give me too many options.

But what I didn’t expect was for my belly to ache quite like it did. It really hasn’t been bothering me lately, except when she’s pummeling me in an uncomfortable position. But today it felt like she was stretched out transverse for the entire day. Pushing, squirming, kicking, all the while I’m rubbing my belly trying to ease some of the pressure. I just wanted to be able to lay down. How can such a small creature get wedged in such an uncomfortable position? So then my ligaments twinged when I would try to get up after hours of sitting. Not to mention the bladder aching from the water intake. I got up very slowly and very carefully, not just so I didn’t hurt myself, but so I wouldn’t pee myself.

But the good news is that I looked and felt very obviously pregnant, and that made me smile all day. It certainly puts me in a better mood – which is necessary after having had my seat kicked from behind 10 times an hour, or a newspaper in my face after I just finally fell asleep. (My seatmates today were very trying. What the hell is wrong with people, do they not understand to sit down, shut up, and not bother other people? Especially sleeping pregnant people?) And baby girl was busy kicking me for most of the flights, it was actually quite hilarious (even when it hurt).

“Your first flight!” I told her. “Just like Devin and I got to do.”

I have a post in the works but no time this weekend to sit down and finish it. So instead I want everyone to go over to read Mrs. Spit: Superbowls and Abortions. Such a brilliant, well-written post.

Did I say my skin was clear? Did I really open my big fat mouth? A zit or two. Nothing compared to my “usual”, but still highly irritating. I need to keep my mouth shut, hmph.

I got a haircut! No picture tonight, I’m in bed, but tomorrow. As I had planned I did go to see my stylist and just said, “Let there be curl!” so she gave me something with a lot more layers. Joy joy joy! No more mushroom-head stuck-in-a-windtunnel look! Granted it does look a little messy, but more of a chic messy instead of a crazy ugly messy. And I’m growing my bangs out because, as cute as they looked swept to one side, with the newfound curl that’s going on in my hair it tends to just stick straight out.

I guess you could say I’ve been getting some cravings. Milk, of course – ever since I got over my cold and let myself start drinking milk again I have been wanting it a lot, though it’s easing up a little now. There have been some days where I’d rush in the house from work and just chug a huge glass. So cold and creamy. Sigh, I love milk.

For a few weeks I was wanting fish and chips. Not like must have them now, but I had the thought in my head and wouldn’t let it go until I went and got some. And they were wicked good. But now I seem sated and “over” that. Which is good, they’re so greasy!

The major trend I am noticing right now is that I crave a combo of sweet and salty – at the same time. Things like kettle corn popcorn. I normally like kettle corn, but I’ve been just wolfing down the little mini-bags in the evening. The other way I’m getting my craving is by eating a combination of regular potato chips and yogurt – using the yogurt as a dip. I get some very strange looks for that one, so I’m thinking it might be one of those special pregnancy combinations… but then again, I’ve always dipped my french fries in my milkshake/malt. Same concept. And same yummy goodness. But the thing is, I don’t care too much for just sweet or just salty. I have no interest in eating potato chips by themselves, and sweet things alone are just kind of “eh”. Any other suggestions for combos?

I’m still having limb issues – my wrists are getting sore easily, not to mention the whole legs thing. Den keeps rolling his eyes at me when I mention my sore legs. Well psht! They ache! And who else do I have to whine to, if not my ever-patient husband? But really, it’s not terrible yet. The leg cramps are pretty bad, but I’m kind of managing them, learning how to prevent them. I still sleep very well at night. The sciatica that flared up a couple of weeks ago was quickly taken care of by an emergency trip to the chiropractor and has not returned again (though it will, it will). My tailbone is a little bit achy, especially when I sit in one position too long, but again, it’s just something noteworthy, not something terrible. The rest of me feels pretty damn good. My boobs aren’t sore, my belly feels full and heavy but not at all painful or uncomfortable (usually), I don’t have very many ligament twinges unless I sit up too quickly.

I’m in the good and “easy” stage… but those little glimpses I get of how bad it could get kind of scare me. I have a feeling this third trimester is going to be a lot more trying than when I was pregnant with Devin. I’m really nervous about that last month, too, since I never got there the last time. I keep hearing people warn me about “wait til you get REALLY huge,” or “when you start swelling” or such. And who knows how it’s going to go. I really doubt I would have gotten huge with Devin, not at the rate I was going – I had a pretty petite little belly, and while this time I feel bigger, comparing belly pics shows me to be about the same size. But I feel so comforted having done this before, but after 36 weeks I’m in uncharted territory.

I guess I’ll try to just worry about that when I get there. I have plenty enough to worry about.

Seeing and hearing about babies born at a tiny 24 week gestation kind of freaks me out a little. I mean, on one hand it’s good to know that this baby could have a fighting chance outside the womb. But still. I have been giving her very stern admonishments to stay safely inside until she is a fat 8lb newborn.

Part of knowing about all of the scary things that go wrong in pregnancy is, yes, fear. But part of it is also a big dose of gratitude. I know it could easily be me with placenta previa, gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, preterm labor. But for the time being I have a very healthy body and a very healthy child within, and I feel damnwell blessed that I can say that. Especially after having such bad nausea for the first trimester, and bleeding for almost as long. I am just so relieved to have moved past those two things and to now just be enjoying my pregnancy.

Today was my 24 week appointment.

First I had my monthly growth ultrasound. Again, baby girl was kicking right before the ultrasound so I wasn’t too concerned – and my belly has been getting very obviously bigger. But still, I wasn’t thrilled with getting led into Ultrasound Room 2. (It was the last one I was in with Devin, when I found out he had died.) But… not as bad as I had expected. Just a brief twinge. But I hopped up on the bed/table and she started the scan. It surprized me that this time they didn’t check the heartrate right away, she just started measuring the head circumference. I don’t concentrate too well until I see that heart beating. And she wasn’t moving too much. But then she moved down to the abdomen and there was the heart beating away. 131bpm, I think she said – which is low for this little one.

But then, after she’d measured the abdomen and femur and confirmed that it is still indeed a girl, we found out why the heartrate was on the lower side: she was sleeping. Not only was she sleeping, but she was nestled face-down, head on my right side, and she would not roll over, not for anything. The tech jiggled her – she waved her hand dismissively at the ultrasound wand. I sat up, layed down, rolled side to side. Nope. She was sleeping, and apparently she has about the same sunny disposition when asleep as her mommy does.

So, despite the tech pulling out the 3d wand and trying for quite some time, we have only two somewhat random pictures. Hell we couldn’t even get a 2d pic of her profile. This is the best one, her arm is over the side of her head as if to say “go away!!”

After that was my midwife appointment. I was given the u/s report to bring to the midwife so we actually got to see it all. She is estimated to weigh 1lb 6oz, which is 48th percentile. Her measurements are all pretty much on track, though again her head circumference measures 25th percentile – looks like she’s going to have a petite head, like me. Femur is measuring 25th percentile as well, which surprized me. But all in all it’s all very good, fluid level is normal, she’s growing well, and she definitely has an attitude.

This time my appointment was with a different midwife in the group. I remembered her from when I was pregnant with Devin. Fundal height is measuring at 24 weeks, right on track. She used the doppler even though I’d just had an ultrasound. Since baby girl was laying transverse she tried to find the heartbeat around my belly button. First thing we heard was a very loud, slow WOMP WOMP. “Uhhh, that’s you,” she said in response to my very startled expression. “You apparently have a very good placental artery there.” I mentioned being able to see and feel my heartbeat very strongly in the center of my belly and she pointed out that it’s probably because of my anterior placenta – all that blood flow right smack dab in the center of my belly. Big “duh” moment, not sure why I didn’t think of that. She moved the doppler a little bit and there was baby’s heartbeat, now measuring around 140.

I asked some quick questions of the midwife – I actually brought a list this time.
– I drink a lot of milk. How much water do I need to drink in addition to that to stay hydrated? (2-4 glasses should be fine.)
– Leg aches and cramps, any suggestions to help? (They really have no idea what causes them. Stretch out the muscles. Warm baths before bed may help.)
– Anything I should know or do about traveling on a plane? (Make sure to do leg stretches and get up and walk around the cabin once an hour. Stay hydrated. Compression stockings wouldn’t be a bad idea.)

She also said that while I’m traveling if I have any medical questions or problems there’s always a midwife on call 24 hours a day, and they can fax my records anywhere immediately, if need be – though of course they wouldn’t anticipate me having any problems at all at this stage in pregnancy.

When we were talking about food/milk intake she mentioned how I’ve gained 13 pounds in the past month. Den’s and my heads snapped up and I very bluntly said, “No I haven’t.” Apparently the nurse wrote down my weight as 148 – it was actually 143 (and even that sounded a little high for what I was expecting). A re-visit to the scale supported my memory, not the written one! Sheesh. Even 8 lbs in a month sounds like a lot. I’m going to have to back off the milk again. And stop eating fast food.

I changed my next appointment from a morning to an afternoon and then we were finally on our way, holding our little ultrasound pictures and shaking our head and sighing at our stubborn, stubborn little girl. Den just groans, “Oh she’s going to be just like you, isn’t she.”

Not a lot of kicks today, but a lot of weird, squirmy, interior feelings – I figure she is probably facing my back. I think she did roll over a couple of times, I was getting some kicks on my lower right side, but then it’s back to that other, heavy, someone’s-poking-my-insides feeling.

Then tonight I’m propped up in bed, and again I’m checking for braxton-hicks. It’s honestly hard to tell, because some of her moves – stretching, pushing – feel similar. I felt some hardness, but wasn’t sure if it was my whole uterus or not. So I rolled onto my left side. And plain as day my right side had a huge, firm lump, a little lower than my belly button, far on the right side. And when we push on it I can feel pressure on my left side. So yep, I think I have a transverse baby, butt on my right, head on my left. (At least for the moment…. at this stage that can change quickly!)

Of course as I’m writing this she starts kicking me on my right side and the hard bulge is gone, so I believe she rolled over. I’m pressing down on my right side and she is kicking my hand hard. No little flutters from this one anymore!

I am just so fascinated with trying to figure out how she’s laying in there, what she’s doing. At work today I was sitting back in my chair, feeling her squirms and pushes, and said something about how she must be facing my back today. A coworker blinked a little with surprize. I guess most people don’t know these things.

I think I could seriously just lay here all night, feeling her kick, poking her feet and getting her riled up. But sadly I know I need sleep.

My biggest physical complaint right now has to be my legs. They are aching like hell. I’ve mentioned how my calves and feet like to cramp up, but this is something more. It’s as if my muscles are right on the edge of cramping at all times, without actually doing it. They go numb really quickly when I make the mistake of sitting cross-legged or tucking a foot under like I often do. (My chiropractor would tsk at me for doing those things anyways, but it is normally comfortable.)

The past week has been the worst, they just constantly aching, I’m always trying to rub them as if to get life back into them and stop them from hurting. It’s even made it hard to sleep, because I’m just not comfortable no matter what, so I’m short on sleep and getting a little bit short-tempered because of it.

Today when I got home from work I quickly drew myself a warm bath (which is a first for me, having a hot bath without having to boil water on the stove. Even though the fucking boiler was giving an error code again, the hot water tank held plenty enough for a bath, thank the light). Not scalding hot, of course, and only enough to cover my legs, not the belly. It didn’t do a lot, but it did help.

Since this all started about the same time I started drinking a lot of milk again I’m pretty certain it’s no calcium deficiency, but it might be related to not enough water intake (I’m drinking so much milk instead). I think I’m going to have to work on finding a balance.

::

This week I had people over to the house. Almost all were friends who know my whole story, but not necessarily friends who have ever seen Devin’s picture. As we were feverishly cleaning the house I started thinking about Devin’s shelf in our living room, and the picture of him displayed on it. The rest of the shelf gives me no pause whatsoever, it is sweet and simple. I love my pregnant-me picture, Devin’s ultrasound picture, his little train piggy bank. But the picture of him, my sweet little boy after his birth… I know how some people feel about pictures “like that.” I don’t carry his picture in my wallet, I don’t proudly show friends and coworkers. Maybe I should – maybe I wish I did. I have his picture on my websites, but that feels different; no one is obligated to say anything at all to me, or even to open the page. But there it sits in our living room, as it is our house and we quite honestly rarely have guests over. But there I was, sitting in my living room, wondering if I was asking too much of people. I contemplated taking it down for the evening to spare myself any stress over it, but ended up just leaving it where it was.

When the day of the party arrived I was far too stressed over cooking and cleaning than to give it a thought. I honestly didn’t think about it at all while people were here. No one said anything, and I didn’t catch any stares. I’m sure some of them didn’t even see it, or didn’t think much about it. All in all the party was a success, guests left tired and happy, and I collapsed on a chair afterwards, looking around my perfectly cleaned living room and thinking about crown molding and ceiling paint.

Then my eyes caught sight of that shelf and for the first time that night I wondered what people think when they see it. I doubt I will ever really know. It must be so different looking in from the outside.

So that spot of hardness that I suspected wasn’t a BH contraction was definitely not a BH contraction. First I remembered that it was only there when I layed on my back – when I rolled onto my side it miraculously disappeared. To my back, there it was again. So I had this suspicion…

Then last night after laying down in bed Den as usual rested his hand on my belly to catch a few kicks – which he did. (She’s getting more consistent about kicking, he’s felt a lot more than he did with Devin.) So he was just resting the base of his hand on my belly when I felt a lot of pressure – not kicks, but a squirming, moving, pushing kind of feeling. “I don’t think she likes your hand there,” I told him. He layed his hand flat to feel what was going on. All of a sudden his eyes got wide and he said, “Holy CRAP!” “What? Is she kicking you?” “No! It’s a big round… body part!” Sure enough, plain as day I could feel a very round object pushing very stubbornly upwards. Thus the pressure I was feeling. She seemed rather pissed that his hand was on her, and she wanted it off.

We both cracked up laughing at our indignant little girl. She’s a spitfire already.

I have finally uploaded the belly pics from the last 3 weeks. Rejoice!

::

Today while cleaning I found a little box of magnet words – you know the type you can arrange in phrases and stick on your fridge. So now I have some on my fridge.

Fear is like a heartbeat in the dark. It’s always there, but sometimes you feel it more than others. Usually you can’t hear it. But once in a while, in the pause, there it is again, quietly reminding you. My natural level of anxiety doesn’t help. I’ll admit, some nights I forget to take my anti-depressant. It doesn’t send me into a huge meltdown the next day or anything, but I can definitely tell that I’m a little bit more jumpy than usual, a little bit more anxious.

I’ve started getting – or started feeling – Braxton-Hicks contractions. I don’t recall getting them so early with Devin, but then this is my second pregnancy. But it still startled me the first time I felt one, last week. I knew immediately what I was feeling, that tightening in my belly, and my hands flew down to confirm that my uterus was indeed hard. I waited for it to go away before letting out a breath. No more happened that night, so I’ve come to expect the one contraction a day – usually in the evening, when I’m relaxing. It’s just my body doing its job.

But then the last two days I’ve noticed hard spots. It confuses me, because BH contractions are the full belly, all over. So it puzzles me when I feel a hard, very firm area, but the other side is soft and giving. Just now it happened again, and I’m starting to think what I’m feeling is a butt or a head, pressing outwards. I always forget how big she must be. I keep thinking she is still small, but the way she moves and the space she fills belies that.

As active as this baby is, there are still plenty of days when her movements are quieter and spaced further apart. Usually I can tell when it’s going to be one of those days when the kicks I feel are down low, meaning she’s probably facing down instead of out. Today was one of those days. All kicks I felt were down low and to the left, and sometimes I wouldn’t feel kicks at all, just pressure against my cervix (ouch – thankfully that didn’t happen for very long). But I also realize that I am very lucky to feel as much as I do, especially this early with the placenta where it is. I’m still puzzled by it, to be honest…. but very thankful!

Sometimes people say to me, “You need to just not worry. You need to just enjoy this.” And I look at them a bit puzzled. What choice do I have in the matter? I am either worried or I am not, and sometimes it feels like I am just along for the ride, enjoying the good days and riding out the bad. But I am always fully present, and how many others can say that? As much as I want this time to fly by, to just get me to the end with a live baby in the hospital, I cannot willfully ignore what I have right now. As much as I am attuned to every little pain and lack of movement, so too am I attuned to every little wiggle and poke that she gives me. I notice all the little things that too often slide under the radar of a busy working woman. Yes, my life does in many ways revolve around this pregnancy. Yes, I do sit in my chair with my hands on my belly, lost inside my head, inside my body, feeling and appreciating her. When I bend over and say, “Ooch, she kicked my cervix!” they probably assume it is with irritation, but in reality it is gleeful, revelling in the discomfort and the sheer fact that it happens at all.