I am feeling much better today. Still not unfettered excitement, but hopeful and not quite so freaked out. Everyone else seems to think that my situation is really good, so… who knows.

We did go ahead with the IUI, we had it this morning. We reserved a private room for the “sample emission”, and poor hubby was all wigged out. He hid around the corner when I went up to the window to announce our arrival. LOL! Men are such dorks.

So the numbers… after the wash we had 47 million total motile sperm. I didn’t catch the total sperm, but he had a very high percentage of motile sperm, giving us quite a good number!

It was pretty quick and easy. Although it did give me a few flashbacks to the HSG when she was putting the catheter in – she said my cervix is a little twisty and very tight, making it a little more interesting. It wasn’t our usual RE, I’m not actually sure what her name was, I didn’t catch it. But she was very nice, chattered away at us the entire time.

Although the funniest part was watching Den in the room while I had my IUI. I sat down on the table and he was seated on a chair off to the side. The RE said he could stay there or move up to the chair beside my head to hold my hand. I shrugged and said whatever was fine. So he intended to stay where he was, until I layed down and spread my legs in the stirrups, then Den realized he had far more of a view than he had bargained for and he made a run for the chair by my head. LOL!! He held my hand the entire time. Somehow I got the feeling I was comforting him more than him me.

He is so hopeful and excited this month. I am not nearly as expectant as him. He keeps telling me not to worry and talking about how I could be pregnant right this second. He asked when I can test and got all excited when I told him the date (Dec 17 is what I’m telling him – that’s 12dpiui), he said it will be a wonderful christmas present. He’s very cute, but at the same time I worry how hard he’ll take it if this cycle doesn’t work out. I worry how hard I’ll take it, especially right before christmas. As if I really need more to fret about.

Right now I’m just trying to focus on the numbers, on my organization, and just stop worrying about possibilities for the moment. I just need to keep my mind busy and I’ll be fine. 12 days to wait.

I am feeling angry today. I know I “should” be happy about my follies, but I’m angry.

I’m angry that we have to go through this. Angry that I need to have injections in my stomach, medication that can be risky, driving back and forth, giving sperm, injecting it, dye tests, blood tests. I’m angry that this is happening to me. That other people just… decide to have a baby. And poof they have a baby. I’m angry that there’s no apparent reason for any of this either. My eggs seem to be good. Den’s sperm is good. Our timing is good. So what the fuck?

I’m angry that my excitement has been diminished. Four follies is great – unless you’re terrified of multiples like I am. Now I’m panicking. And I’m playing the guilt game – blaming myself for making the choice to go to the RE “so early” (because there is no obvious problem), to go on medication to increase our chances. As if it’s my fault. I know it’s not – but every once in a while the thought snakes into my head that if I end up pregnant with multiples I am going to feel like it’s my fault. And how will I feel if I have to do selective reduction? I don’t have any moral objections to it – but it’s risky, and it’s not something anyone wants to do. So where does the anger come in? Because before I was holding my breath each month waiting for a BFP. Hoping, waiting. If I saw a BFP I was going to break down in thankful, grateful tears. But now? If I get my BFP this cycle now it’s mixed with fear. And I’m friggin angry about that. I want to hang onto that joy and hope. I don’t want to have to deal with more worries than I already have!

And I know all of this is completely rediculous. Because, honestly, I’m feeling angry about things that haven’t happened! But I can’t help how I feel.

I’m not too certain that my mood is actually a result of any of this anyways, I think it’s the other way around – I’m in a bad mood, so I’m obsessing over things. I’m also feeling frustrated and angry with work, with the pets, with the fact that my husband ate all the freaking cookies I baked last night. I’m just in a very irritable mood. So I have locked myself in the bedroom with the one pet least likely to piss me off (my dog) and my books and I don’t plan on coming out.

Oh, and by the way – my stomach is very tender where I got the injection. It’s the weirdest thing, since it didn’t hurt at all during the actual injection. But I had to work today, which involves lifting, which involves resting things against my stomach. Erg. That was a balancing act. It doesn’t hurt, it’s just tender like a bruise. My ovaries aren’t feeling weird anymore either. This morning I woke up with them feeling funny and that’s why I thought I’d ovulated. Guess they were just squashed. No more squashed feeling. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow morning.

The IUI wasn’t cancelled. I never got a call from the doctor. So I made the appointment at the lab to drop off and pick up the specimen. We decided to use a room there rather than rush a sample in from our house. Just easier. Luckily he doesn’t have much of a problem with that – not as much as other husbands, at least that’s how it seems to me. I don’t know if he’s planning on sticking around after that though, he might want to be dropped off at work. We need to be there at 7am to give the sample, then they want me back at 9am for the insemination. Not sure what I’m going to do in between, especially if Den isn’t with me. If he does stay with me maybe we’ll go for breakfast or something.

So. Four follies and an IUI. Now it’s a numbers game.

Well the news is good and bad.

I didn’t sit very long in the waiting room, I wanted to read but they ushered me straight back to an ultrasound room and told me to strip from the waist down. So I did, put that flimsy sheet on me (more because it was cold than for any form of modesty – I’ve never understood that stupid sheet anyways), and waited. I didn’t pick up my book because I figured they’d be right in. I waited and waited. Finally scootched off the table to grab the book, read a page, they walked in.

So this time it was an ultrasound tech and a nurse. They introduced themselves and went to take a look.

Four big huge follicles on my left ovary. All four 20 – 22.5mm. They kind of blinked a little and said, “We don’t usually see responses like this. We usually hope for one or two good follicles. At this point we start getting concerned about multiple birth…” Oi. Then the tech said, “Okay, let’s take a look at your right. If that one has 4 too, we have problems.” She also said in a wry voice, “Our goal is to get you pregnant – not get you on the cover of a magazine.” lol The right ovary had nothing at all but little tiny dots, and we all breathed a sigh of relief. It’s also further reassuring that the follicles are on my left side, which is my known clear tube, and not the right which is still a little iffy. Then the tech left me with the nurse.

She asked me how I feel about selective reduction, and I told her I have no problems with it. (As I said to Den, “I have no moral quandary about it. Two – max.” ) She did give me my trigger shot – which surprizingly didn’t hurt or even really pinch at all – but said that she’s going to talk to the doctor and that the doctor may decide to cancel the IUI and have us just have intercourse this cycle in order to decrease our chances of a multiple birth.

Four! It took me a while for that one to sink in, but the thought of quadruplets?! But I reminded myself that I’ve been ovulating every month, 13 times now, with nothing happening. So I feel that my chances of all of them fertilizing and implanting is pretty slim. But I am having to face the very real possibility of twins. OMG. Twins. Seriously – Den’s family has enough twins already (two sets). His mom said once or twice that she absolutely loves her granddaughters and grandsons, but it would be nice to have a singleton to spoil.

So yeah. Good news: timing is good, good follies, good chance at pregnancy. Bad news… very scary possibility of multiples.

I keep thinking, oh crap what have we got ourselves into?

I’m up way earlier than I want to be on a day that Den isn’t working (he’s still asleep), I woke up drenched in sweat, the cats climbed and fucked up my damn christmas tree again, and I have reason to suspect the nurse fucked up my instructions and that I should have gone in on day 10, not day 12. My biggest fear right now is that we’ll be too late to do the IUI.

And now I have to go because I’m freezing and the cats are beating the shit out of each other. Not that I really mind that last one right now, looking at my poor christmas tree, but it’s somewhat annoying.

OMG Just had a major – but brief – panic. Looked up my entry from my first RE appointment and I wrote that I was going in on day 10 for an ultrasound. Which would be yesterday. Panic, panic… pull out the instructions they gave me. Instructions say day 12. Breathe, breathe. So yes, going in tomorrow morning. Need to stop panicking over it all!

Well I believe I am having what they call hot flashes. Thing is, I don’t know if I can blame it square only the clomid or not – I’ve been having similar episodes for months now. Months and months. I stopped paying attention to them really because they seem to come so frequently and randomly. But it’s usually about once a night I wake up sweating. Yuck. But last night laying in bed, drifting off to sleep, suddenly started burning up. It feels like waves of heat. So I push off the blankets and wait for it to subside, then slowly inch the blankets back up over me as I get cold again. Then I fall asleep. It can be rather annoying though, since I can only sleep if I’m at the right (cool) temperture.

I’m still feeling nervous about the whole IUI, though not because of the IUI itself. I keep thinking, “It was monday I went in right? Day 12? What if it was Day 10, OMG!” or, “They never mentioned a specific time. Do I just go in the morning? Or maybe they forgot to give me an appointment! Should I call??” Sigh. My panicky nature is driving me crazy.

I decided to not call the nurses on friday, and instead just wait for the monday ultrasound to ask what my blood test numbers were. I figured it wasn’t important enough to call when I was going in just a few days. Of course that decision could have been influenced by my severe dislike of using the phone. :rolleyes: I need to make up a list of questions to ask so I don’t forget.

I feel very bloated and yick. I’m not in pain, but it feels more like the “remembrance” of pain… little aches and stuff in my stomach area. I do now know what is causing my cramps during my period though… it was the same kind of pain. Stupid cervix. ;)

I was thinking today about pain. I have always seen myself as quite a sissy, but you know… who really knows how much pain you are in? It’s all relative. It’s quite possible I tolerate pain more than I give myself credit for. I told Den what I was thinking and he nodded and agreed with me – he definitely thinks I underestimate myself. I have never had a broken bone or things like that… but I’ve also dealt with different kinds of pain. And it’s certainly true that how you handle it depends on the circumstances. I’ve gotten my ass kicked by animals on more than a few occassions: bit by the dog, attacked by the cat (and not in a playful manner, I had deep, deep gouges all up my leg). And it’s weird, because you know it happens, but it takes a few seconds to really sink in, to reach you – and even then you block it out until the situation is dealt with. It’s only afterwards that the true pain hits you.

While I was laying there I was thinking about what labor would feel like. Pain from the cervix being inflated is probably very similar to the pain of a head pressing down and dialating the cervix. And labor is probably much much worse. (Although I did see one singular comment on some forum saying that her HSG was the most painful thing she’d ever been through, including labor – but that is probably a very rare occurrance!) It made me wonder how well I’ll fare during labor – if I’ll ever be able to actually get through it without medication. I certainly don’t have any qualms about popping a bunch of midol during my period, or before and after my HSG. Maybe when I get into labor all my previous thoughts will go out the window because holy hell this hurts! But then again, maybe it’ll be very different because it’s not a random pain, it’s a purposeful pain… it’s because of the baby, for the baby. In the end not even people who have been through labor can tell you what it’ll feel like, because not only is it different for each person, it’s different for each experience – depending on your body and the baby’s position and all the combination of things that make each birth a unique experience.

:: ::

One completely random comment: When we walked into Radiology and the receptionist asked how she could help me I said, “I have an appointment for a hysterosalpingogram,” just like I’d been saying that word for years. I was so proud of myself. ;)

Well that… sucked.

We got there and waited in the waiting room for a while. Then we got called by a nurse to go to a Radiology room. I got changed into a funny apron thing (but my shirt and socks were still on), and sat down on the big x-ray table. And we waited. I’m glad DH was there because we had to wait quite a while and he kept me occupied… although his way of occupying me was somewhat annoying. (He kept touching things, picking things up, and I was like, “For god’s sake, put that down!” Such a child sometimes, LOL) Finally our RE arrived – and it was the same RE that we had our consultation with. So yay. :)

Okay so she explains the process again to me, all is fine. I scoot my ass down to the end of the table, she puts in a speculum and swipes my cervix with a cloth thing to clean it – three times. I don’t like my cervix being swiped or pushed or anything. But, no worse than a pap. She inserts the catheter, that felt a little weird. Then she inflated it. That felt weirder. Like a little pressure. Then she removed the speculum – which felt very weird, because she had to disentangle it from the catheter and syringes, and that caused a bit of bouncing and tugging at my cervix, not so fun.

Then I got to watch on the screen as she injected the dye. The radiologist – an older German man – was there watching the screen and explaining things to me (in a thick German accent) and they were talking to each other about what they saw. The dye pooled up in my uterus, then my left tube quickly spilled out into my abdominal cavity. The right tube you could only see a little bit. And then the catheter popped out and there was spillage. Uh-oh.

So then the fun part – they decided to try it again, just to see if they could get a better view of my right tube. So I scootch down again, another speculum, another three swipes of cleaning stuff, another catheter inserted. Speculum removed again. And then she inflated the catheter balloon… but more this time than last (to make sure it stayed and didn’t slip out again). THAT hurt. Felt like a lot of pressure, little stabbing pain. After some fiddling with things they inserted more dye. I wasn’t feeling good, I looked over to Den and he took my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. I was trying to relax and just breathe but it hurt. The radiologist saw my look and asked if I was okay, I said it hurt a bit. So they tried to hurry a little more. So again they saw the dye through my left tube and pooling in my uterus, a little of my right tube. But the previous dye that had spilled into my abdominal cavity had settled on my right side by then in a little pocket, making it even harder to see my right tube. They had me roll a little to my left then my right and then stay there propped up on the side. But they ran out of dye in the syringe, even though they had a good angle. By then the pain was getting pretty bad so I think they decided to just leave it at that. Soon as they deflated the baloon and removed the catheter I felt much better, though still not great.

She said my left tube is great, and my right tube is probably just fine – she didn’t see a sign of blockage, just that the dye kept going to my left side instead of filling up my right. Stupid right tube! So we don’t know for sure that my right side is good, but she feels pretty confident that it’s fine.

If it had just been the first proceedure and it had worked right I would have walked away going, “Well that wasn’t very bad.” But that second time, arg. That hurt. Not like in a crying, freaking out kind of way, but definitely in a, “OW OW, get that thing out of me!!” kind of way. Not something I’d want to repeat.

I also asked her about my day 3 bloodwork and she said she couldn’t remember for sure (she didn’t have my chart with her) but she thinks it looked all fine. And she said if I wanted to know for sure I can give a call to the nurses and ask them about it. So I think I will in just a second after I relax a bit.

Last day of Clomid, still no side-effects. I’m either just lucky or… really unlucky.

Some interesting statistics on twins.

** Okay, this one makes me go “huh?” Since the average of having twins across the board is 1 in 100 or 3%, but 1 in 38 is lower at 2.6%. Nice.

Fun stuff. It’s a bit daunting to think that our chance of having twins could be pretty high.

My HSG is scheduled for this thursday the 30th at 2:15pm. Which means I need to drive myself in there and Den can’t come with me as he’ll be working. :( I really wish he could come with me. I’m a little nervous about the proceedure. I’m sure it’ll be fine though. I’ll be taking advil beforehand though. And bringing midol just in case.

This morning I woke up with my stomach area feeling very tight. Not quite bloated in the normal sense, but tight like it gets when it’s bloated. I’m not sure if maybe that was a sign of something working in me or not… maybe it’s my ovaries kicking into high-drive. Who knows. I’m really looking forward to next monday when I get my ultrasound… but I’m also feeling nervous that they’ll look and see something wrong, like way too many or nothing at all.