So apparently clomid does not make me ovulate early. Today is CD14 and no temp rise (actually it dropped). So I’m assuming I’ll ovulate today or tomorrow. But if my follicles were good and big on my U/S on CD 12 the previous two cycles… what does that mean for my poor follicles this cycle? If they’re typically ready by CD12 and I don’t ovulate until CD15, that can’t possibly be a good thing.

Granted I haven’t been feeling much. Last night I did feel some twinges in my left side, which was reassuring. Do I have two on each side, so I’m not feeling huge like when I had 4 on one side? Or did I just not make as many this month? I really wish I knew what was going on in there.

OPKs are so negative I can barely see a second line. I don’t know, maybe I’m testing at the wrong time of day. (I’m testing in the evening, after not peeing for 4 hours.)

Not that any of it really matters. I am definitely not expecting to get pregnant this month. Although one of my forum buddies just got pregnant this month… after her cycle was cancelled because her follicles disappeared! Of course when I told DH about that he gave me an evil grin and said, “See! You just have to not think about it and not stress!!” And then he ducked. (Yes, he said that on purpose just to annoy me.)

The short of it: I am not expecting a miracle. I’m looking forward to next cycle. Thursday is my appointment with the Dr. to make plans for the next several months. I get to bring up IVF and find out if she’s on board with my plan to do that if the injects cycle fails.

OPKs are still very much negative. I’m CD12 today, which would normally be my ultrasound and trigger. Without clomid I almost always ovulate on CD15, and on clomid it’s supposed to be sooner. I just hope the OPKs work for me this month. I need to buy another box and start doing them twice a day.

Den of course doesn’t think it matters. “Just have lots of sex!” is his solution. I tried to convince him by saying that when I get a positive OPK we have MORE sex. He didn’t seem too moved by that.

I’m also not feeling much in my ovaries area. I’ve been trying to keep checking in with them to see if I feel any cramping going on, but nothing so far. Hrm.

You know what really sucks? Waking up to be greeted by a huge knot in your neck. It’s making it painful to do anything at all. :( Owwie owwie owwie!

I’m feeling very frustrated today. Frustrated by the waiting. I’m so tired of the waiting.

On one of my forums I got a free reading from an aura reader. Now I am athiestic/agnostic – so I’m really not sold on the whole idea. But there is a part of me that still holds onto the idea of forces beyond what we can see. So in any case, the reading was simple – I asked what she saw for future children, and when they would come. Her answer is that she sees a daughter being born in 2009 and a son born in late 2010/early 2011. And it was disappointing… because I was really hoping to find something – even if it was artificial – to give me some extra strength through the next few months. If I know it’s going to happen soon it makes it easier to get through. But 2009? That means we won’t conceive until 2008. Over a year away. And that does not make me feel better at all. (I am, however, very pleased to hear the first will be a girl, the second a boy. That’s just what we want.)

So I know it’s completley silly, considering I don’t really buy into psychics, but it’s still been weighing on my mind today.

Plus I realize that I really really need to stay out of any type of debate forum. Whether it’s just for curiousity’s sake or not, I get way too riled up. I am simply far too opinionated to be able to read and not react emotionally. At least I’m managing to keep my posts nice and calm and very logical (thank god for some past experience in debating). I just posted what I think was a pretty thought-provoking post about abortion. And it’s an interesting topic, because while I do still have a gut-reaction to the topic I also can see and understand both sides. My goal is not to get people to change their minds… but to question why they believe what they do and to admit that it’s a grey area. I don’t like the polarizing that goes on. It’s too easy to forget that is a lot more to it than yes or no.

Anyways, in other news…

Yesterday I felt kind of sick by the time Den came to bed so I opted out of any kind of baby-making. I figured CD9 is a little early to worry about timing. But tonight I couldn’t let the opportunity slip away again. My OPK was very negative, though, and we know I won’t ovulate by CD12 (the day I would normally go in for my U/S), so it’s still too early to be concerned.

My RE appointment is next thursday. I’m looking forward to it. I think it will be a relief to get my protocol and decide when we’ll be starting IVF. I think I’m ready for that step – or at least will be if my injects cycle fails.

Finished my last clomid pills. Been having some wicked hot flashes tonight… I’ve torn off my sweatshirt no less than three times in the past two hours I’ve been sitting here. Grugh. Minor annoyance, though – I continue to have no other symptoms to speak of. Well, I have another headache starting, but unfortunately those were common before the clomid.

Someone on one of my forums does psychic readings/reiki/tarot. Normally I don’t put much weight in that sort of thing – I’m too much of an athiest. But I’ve had SO many girls on that forum talking about readings that were right. She offers one free reading, so I’ve asked her about my pregnancy situation (or non-situation). I’m actually considering paying for a full reading. I feel like I’m just kind of drifting in life right now and… well most of all I just need some reassurance. Reassurance that we will get pregnant sometime this year… that I won’t have to hurt much longer. And some direction on my freelancing and part-time job would be nice, too.

We are going to a party tonight… a party partially hosted by Den (since he was the baseball team’s coach and is in charge of the money). It’s with the group of Den’s friends. I am very not excited about it. Not only is it a party for everyone to watch the football game(s?) on the bigscreen TV (gag me), but it’s with the group of friends who constantly feeds us useless comments like, “You’ll never get pregnant if you keep thinking about it! Go on vacation! It worked for us!” And right now if I heard something like that I am perfectly liable to fly right off the handle. I’m feeling fine in general. But I am SICK and TIRED of these particular friends’ comments. I’ve just really been avoiding all of them, to be perfectly honest. I used to look forward to parties – any kind of party – just so I could get out of the house, get prettied up. Now I have half an hour before we go and I still haven’t gotten my ass out of bed, and I am seriously considering asking Den to just leave me at home. I should probably go though. If I stay home I’ll end up in bed all day, again.

On the better side of friends, family and fun – I chatted with my dad in an IM for a while yesterday, as we do frequently. This time, though, I mentioned about my fears of endometriosis, a possible diagnostic surgery, the medications, the disappointment. I never go too in-depth with my dad, because I know the whole subject of procreation makes him uncomfortable… I am his little girl, after all. His position has always been to slow down, enjoy life, don’t worry about what you don’t have. He took many, many years to come to grips with the fact that I have depression, and that it is a medical condition. I expected our journey with infertility to have the same reaction from him.

But instead, after telling him about this and that, he says to me, “I do hope things work out for you two soon…this is all driving me over the edge.” And that just really hit me in the heart. To know that my daddy is upset for me, that he’s pulling for me and that he understands that this is hard for us… wow, what a wonderful thing.

I have always been a daddy’s girl. Even when I was a teenager, when I was supposed to be rebelling against my parents, I would think to myself, If I have kids, I want to parent like he does. Somehow he always managed to straddle the line between both being our friend and still setting absolute boundaries for us. We knew that as long as we never broke any of the cardinal rules that he’d be our ally no matter what. (But we also knew if we did break any of those major rules – smoking, drugs, sneaking out, etc – that we would lose that trust forever. And neither me nor my brother ever crossed those lines.)

So yeah. That was just really so great to hear.

That article about car seat safety? It’s been retracted. Oh someone’s going to be in a lot of trouble for that one.

I got my clomid! I did have to wait a little bit because when I went to pick it up they only charged me $15 and I had to tell them I wanted to pay cash in full. But they changed it no problems. :) Only $45 total. Not too bad. Tonight I’ll take my first one. (Since taking them at night worked so well for me the last two cycles – and didn’t affect it’s effectiveness – I’m going to keep doing it that way and not mess it up!)

Still haven’t heard back from the insurance coordinator about the situation with our insurance. When I find that out we’ll change our plans if necessary (regarding the IUI and U/S) – though I really doubt anything will really change – and then call the nurses to let them know what my plan is (ie, to inform them that I will not be doing an IUI this cycle). They may think that’s a little silly – but that’s okay. It’s not like really expect a miracle this month or anything. But with insurance limiting us to 3 IUIs this is what works best for us.

My period is completely annoying today. Somehow, for some god-unknown reason, this morning I was so distracted I forgot to put a pad on. Got to work, puttered around, went to the bathroom…. WTF?! Yeah. I think that underwear is trashed. Sigh.

So yeah, the more I think about it, the more I think I have endo. I asked my friends and my journal buddies about what they deal with during AF to sort of guage if I’m just a huge sissy or not. Turns out – no. I know my best friend in high school had HUGELY bad AFs, but it turned out she has PCOS. So maybe I just grew up thinking what I had was fine. And actually I remember a time in high school when it didn’t bother me at all. And I remember when it started getting worse. I would cry during AF, curl up in the fetal position and just cry. Then I went on the pill for a few years and I really don’t remember how bad it was…. but I also started using Midol when it did get bad. But when I don’t use midol… definitely very, very bad.

So in any case I’m definitely looking to have a lap done. I just hope the RE agrees with me. I know Den’s getting a little worried about all the time he’s having to take off for IUIs and doctor’s appointments, but the lap is one he really needs to be there for because I won’t be able to drive afterwards… and I need him to write down what the doctor says afterwards, since from what I’ve read I’ll probably be pretty out of it.

Shoot I need to pick up my clomid today. I’ll do that on my way to work.

The RE’s insurance coordinator called me today to keep me up to date. Basically she said she’s been trying to nail down specifics over exactly what is covered under what (like is my clomid counted as an ovulation induction? Or is it a part of the IUI coverage?) and she’s waiting to hear back from them. She’ll let me know.

She also said that this past cycle she did not get prior authorization for the IUI because she had been TOLD by someone at my insurance that I didn’t NEED it. (During that snaffoo.) Billing hasn’t gone through/been approved for that cycle either, because they always take a few weeks to do it. So she told the insurance company that I should NOT be punished because THEY screwed up and she’s trying to get this sorted out. I’m glad she’s on my side and being my advocate, but I’m still worried that billing will find some way to stick it to us.

So I’m glad I’m doing a break this month to get this all sorted out. Unfortunately she did mention something that makes me think they’re expecting us to do IUI this cycle out of our own pocket… which we have no intention of doing. I wonder if they’ll be upset if we don’t do it. Oh well. I’m still doing the clomid.