Totally not baby related, but I’m irritated with myself. Also a warning that this is somewhat geek talk, so if geek talk looks like babble to you, skip down.

So this has been a nice night. Up late, as usual, on my desktop computer because Den is sleeping and I didn’t want to bother him. Puttering around doing nothing, and I got the idea to clear out some programs from my computer. I do this regularly (and so should you! Makes your computer happy and runs faster). And for some reason the idiotic Linksys wireless connection icon has been in my taskbar for the last few weeks, and I don’t know why, as I don’t use the Linksys program to manage my wireless. I checked online to see if anyone knew how to get rid of that icon and people said just to remove the Linksys program since you’re not using it. Excellent. Among other games and shit, I removed it.

You know that feeling you get right after you click a button (or let go of the car door) that you just did something really bad? Like the time I locked my keys in my old car while the car was running, I realized it the second that car door left my fingertips, when it was too late to grab the door. Same deal here. The moment I pressed the “delete” button I thought to myself, “Oh shit. The drivers.” Sure enough, it not only erased the wireless network management program – which I didn’t need – but also the goddamn wireless card drivers – which I very much do need in order to get on the internet.

Well fine, I’ll just reinstall them. Easy enough, right? Wrong. Guess what one disk is missing from my very neat, categorized stack of disks? Yeah. The network card driver.

So I’ll download it… on my laptop, of course, since the desktop is now internet-inaccessible. Go to do that… need the model number. Where’s the model number? On the network card, which is installed in my computer tower. So there I am, 3am, on my hands and knees with a flashlight, pulling the side panel off my effing computer tower, and using a freakin cosmetics mirror (I knew it would come in handy for something) to try to see the bottom side of my little network card. If I had to shut down the computer and pull the network card out just to get the model number I would have been pissed. Thankfully the mirror worked. It made my brain hurt trying to read backwards (another thing I wouldn’t recommend doing at 3am), but it worked.

Once I downloaded the driver it went pretty quickly, but holy mother, not how I really wanted to spend an hour in the middle of the night, you know?

::

Speaking of sleep? I’m sleeping like crap while Den is in the bed sleeping. Even when I’m tired and fall asleep at 11pm like a good girl, I wake up a couple hours later tossing and turning and unable to sleep. But soon as Den goes to work? I’m out, and I stay out all day. I don’t know if it has to do with the soft light in the room (why would that HELP me sleep?? I don’t know), or if it’s simply that I don’t have to worry about someone else in the bed – or deal with his snoring, which happens periodically through the night (not constantly, thank god, or I’d boot him to the futon) – but I sleep BLISSFUL while he’s at work. Well, usually… unless the dog decides there’s something worth barking at for half an hour. That can somewhat interrupt my blissful sleep.

At this point, on days that I’m not working, I embrace the oddness of it and choose to get a long, great sleep during the day rather than forcing it at night and waking up every 2 hours, restless and irritated.

::

Baby is awake, currently. I can feel it moving around in there, a couple little thumps. Someone described the early movements as feeling like little muscle twitches, and that’s it exactly. And that’s probably why I “wasn’t feeling it” for the past week other than that one big pop… it honestly just feels like a muscle twitch. The only time I notice it is when I’m laying propped up with pillows in bed. I guess it’s the “optimal” position for me, or else the baby just gets really active when I lay like this.

It is SO cool though. When I feel something I stop what I’m doing in the hopes of feeling more. I knew I was looking forward to feeling something, but I didn’t really expect to feel so emotional over it. Every time I feel little baby kicks (which has been only about 3 times now) I get this rush of relief – baby’s still there, still okay. And then a rush of maternal emotion… just feeling so amazed and so thrilled and so excited that I have a baby there inside me.

::

I asked on TBW forums about soft-structured carriers and someone said their DH loved their Patapum. Brand new they are around $70, but they’re listed on TBW used for $55. I showed Den and he said, “Yes! That’s exactly what I want!” So, I think that’s the winner for him. He said any of the three colors offered is fine, but I’m going to hold out for black, since it’s the nicest to me. ;) Not like I don’t have time to sit and wait for something to come up used.

Den said the hotsling I bought was ugly. But what does he know, he hates all patterns. He’s such a man. lol

For those who are wondering about the term “crunchy” or “crunchy granola,” in general it refers to the hippy-type tree-huggers, people who eat organic, recycle, usually very left-wing. In terms of parenting it refers to those mamas who do attachment parenting, cloth diapering, baby-wearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, etc.

I don’t really consider myself fully crunchy. I’m lax on the recycling, I certainly eat meat and dairy, though I do try to buy organic when possible (it tastes better and is better for you!). With the baby I do seem to fall into the typical crunchy categories… we’re going to be doing cloth diapering, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, breastfeeding, I want an unmedicated birth, etc. And it’s not that I suddenly one day said, “I want to be a crunchy mama!” and then tried to fulfill the various roles. I just, along the way, picked up one thing at a time because it seemed to make sense to me. Breastfeeding? I was raised with the “this is how we feed babies” attitude so I never even questioned that one. Wearing the baby in a sling/wrap? Makes sense to me. Co-sleeping? Makes sense to me (and even Den, who is FAR FAR from crunchy). Cloth diapering… okay, a lot of the reasoning behind that is my desire to recycle/reuse and use natural materials rather than disposables. But there is the aspect of “it just feels better!” (Trust me, I know this from experience – I use cloth pads, remember? ;) )

Oh, and I’m definitely very liberal. ;) If you couldn’t tell, LOL.

Oh, and for heaven’s sake, I work at a cat sanctuary. That by itself is pretty damn crunchy. (The people who work in that field are NEVER there because of the money – there is little – or a power trip – the cats still think they’re gods. They’re there because they believe in the cause, they want to give back, they want to help out. I wouldn’t be there if I didn’t feel like I was making a difference in the world, if I didn’t truly love what I did. I mean, there’s no glory in picking up cat puke day after day. None.)

::

Speaking of crunchy…

I joined a new forum a few weeks ago, and it has due date groups. The first thing I saw was a post about birth beads… the members of the group exchange beads, so that they each will have a necklace with one bead on it from each member. The beads are to be of natural materials only: stone, glass, wood, etc. For some reason this drew me in.

It is time to purchase the beads and, while of course I would prefer not to spend a ridiculous amount on some beads to send to people, I want something with meaning. So of course I went right to stone. :) (Which reminds me, I really need to find my amethyst. I’ve had it for years and years, I even purchased a little pouch for it, and for some reason I always kept it near at hand as it was soothing.)

In any case, I have chosen Sodalite:

“Very often, when our emotions are whirling about in our heads we are tempted to seize at any decision which seems to promise that it will reduce our distress. Sodalite helps us to resist such temptation.

This also means that it can help to quiet any doubts you may have about your ability to make a decision, i.e., it quiets the inner critic.”

Sounds like exactly what I need during labor, don’t you think?

As an added plus, it’s very cheap – and all I need to buy is one strand of beads to have enough for everyone. :)

Well, Den was talking to his mom on the phone yesterday and found out that his Gram – who was in the hospital last week – apparently now has Shingles. I heard from across the room as his mom said to Denis, “Keep Natalie away from her!!” Because, you know, Chicken Pox + pregnancy = bad. Apparently. So now I’m trying to research Shingles (herpes zoster) to if/how/when it’s contagious, because as it stands now Gram is saying she’s not coming to Thanksgiving. Which is really very sweet, but I don’t know yet if it’s necessary.

From the Wikipedia article: “Since shingles is a reactivation of a virus contracted previously—often decades earlier—it cannot be induced by exposure to another person with shingles or chicken pox. Those with active blisters, however, can spread chicken pox to others who have never had that condition and who have not been vaccinated against it.” So it seems that the incidence of Shingles is triggered by something in your own body, not by “catching” it from someone else – however, Shingles can pass Chicken Pox to someone who is not immune. (I will be continuing to research this.)

I am immune to Chicken Pox, if you’re wondering. Natural immunity. I never got the chicken pox – or at least not any actual signs of it, but apparently when my brother had it when we were children I managed to become immune. Which is a good thing, because they near freaked during immigration when they asked for the date I had chicken pox and I informed them I’d never had it. (They promptly sent me for a blood test, and my being immune saved my ass.) Since when is Chicken Pox an immigration issue anyways? I found that weird.

This part of the wikipedia article is about the varicella vaccine, and I think is pretty significant:
“prior to the vaccine, it has long been known that adults received natural immune boosting from contact with children infected with varicella. This helped to suppress the reactivation of herpes zoster.[16] In Massachusetts, herpes zoster incidence increased 90%, from 2.77/1000 to 5.25/1000 in the period of increasing varicella vaccination 1999-2003.[17] The effectiveness of the varicella vaccine itself is dependent on this exogenous (outside) boosting mechanism. Thus, as natural cases of varicella decline, so has the effectiveness of the vaccine.”

Nice, huh? So by eradicating chicken pox outbreaks (but giving everyone immunity, which basically means giving them the dormant virus) we’re causing far more outbreaks of Shingles. And this, unfortunately, is not going to be helped by an individual choosing not to vax, as the “immune boosting” would have been caused by normal outbreaks in the “herd” (society). One case of herd immunity being a bad thing, I guess.

Bras are good! I have gone from tearing my bra off soon as I get home from whatever outing (my typical mode of operation) to putting my bra ON soon as I wake up, just to sit in bed with my laptop. I find that my boobs are annoying me lots. It’s the same thing I always complain about – they’re hanging down lower and sitting on my belly a tiny bit, and that tiny bit is enough to drive me mental. So, bra. I like my bra.

However the caveat is that it’s my no underwire bra. My bra with underwire, while it does still fit me and it has more padding (so it, errr, covers up my huge pinty nipples now that it’s so cold out), drives me nuts. I cannot STAND the way the underwire digs into my chest/belly. So I think I’m going to have to get another 38C bra without underwire… or maybe a “sleep bra” for around the house? I still don’t wear one to bed though. Yick. I can’t wear anything to bed. maybe that’ll change too… but for now my only problem at night is how squashed my boobs feel when I try to lay on my stomach. (Yes it’s my boobs that are causing the problem, not my belly!) I guess they’re just more tender than they normally are! (Well, they’re probably growing again.)

::

I have been very sore today. It was one of those “weird” pains of pregnancy, I guess. I got to work and just started getting this throbbing pain in my left groin. Yes, my groin. It started up higher, like where my ovary is, and continued through my groin down my leg. It would hit, I’d wince, then it would go away. A minute later, same thing. It made cleaning very difficult, as you can imagine. I don’t even know what it was, a nerve or something? It wasn’t my uterus or round ligament pain. So I spent the day taking it easy and taking breaks in between moving around. Sitting down the pains lessened, but were still coming now and again. I was quite happy when Den suggested getting Subway for dinner, because I really didn’t want to be standing around making something!

::

So one of my due date groups on one of my forums (yes I have many) assigned us each a “buddy” from someone from the April ’07 playgroup. I got paired with a mama who is very crunchy… AP, cloth dipes, no vax, natural birth, and so on. She may be reading this too, so if she is – hiya! ;) We’ve only just started chatting but I’m excited. I do have friends on forums that are crunchy, but it’s cool to have a “mentor” of a sort, especially one who has stood in my shoes just a year ago. Even for questions that may seem simple like, “Is X kind of carrier going to be too hot in the summer months?”

I don’t really understand how milk can settle my stomach like it does. As a perpetual milk-lover before I got pregnant I got a little nervous with all the “milk turns my stomach” and lactose-intolerant stories of pregnant women. I figured, best case scenario, milk wouldn’t have a bad effect on me.

Instead I’ve gone even more crazy for milk. My breakfast, almost every morning, is a bowl of Cheerios or Rice Krispies with lots of milk. With a glass of milk on the side. And you know what? It almost always settles my stomach. This morning I was feeling a little bit gaggy, I had a bowl of cereal… all better now.

I feel very lucky milk is treating me so well!!

::

The baby carrier classifieds are a bad place for me to hang out. So many great deals on things. Some not-so-great deals too. It’s making it hard for me to make decisions. This morning I saw an all-black BabyHawk for a very good price. Now I’m wishy-washy about it. Den likes all black, and he likes the headrest. And he likes it’s not $100. But he’s still not sure about tying straps. He really wants something with buckles, but I know from looking that Becos (and ones like it) are around $100 or more. But then again, if it’s something that he’ll love, it’ll be worth the money. So I’m sitting here trying to decide if this BH is worth it. I might just pass and hope something comes up with a nice pattern for me (reversible so that Den could try it out). But the good deal is hard to pass up on something like a BH!

And yeah, I could buy it and then re-sell it if it’s not what we need. But, see, I’m a hoarder. I really hate to part with things! So I’m not so certain that would be the best approach. ;)

I did buy a Hotsling, though. Not the Zoie print… the Ana print (my other favorite). It was a great price, and the seller’s photo showed the print was even prettier than the stock photo. I had to get it. It’s more girlie than the Zoie print, so I’m just going to have to have a girl, right? (But it will match most of my clothes perfectly!)

::

I think I need a nap. -.-

I’m having a really bad morning. Not one of those “everything is going wrong” mornings, but the kind where “everything/everyone is pissing me off.” I’ve been on the edge of tears all day, for no good reason. I just woke up (by a phone call, never a good sign) and went straight into feeling overwhelmed and unhappy and very very touchy. Everything is upsetting me. Everything.

But I wanted to write down two things before I forget or lose track.

Yesterday was another completely nauseated day. So in the evening on my way back from a meeting I stopped and bought some Unisom, since I had run out. By that point I had a sneaking suspicion that the Unisom was helping a shitload more than I had given it credit for, since it seemed to coincidental that I felt THAT much worse the days after I stopped taking it. So I took a pill as soon as I got home.

I slept ALL night. And then I’ve been feeling super tired all day. I don’t know if that’s connected or if that’s just me being… me. However, I haven’t felt nauseated at all. Hungry, yes. And then, when I ate a lot, very full. But I haven’t once felt like heaving up everything. I am very pleased by this.

The other thing I wanted to write down was that last night I was sitting here propped up in bed with my laptop. A friend of mine (who is 20 weeks pregnant) was saying how she felt the baby from the outside for the first time. I was typing a reply to her that I hadn’t felt anything at all from the baby yet… when *pop* in my lower belly. Like someone flicked my belly from the inside. No “flutters” like some people describe it… just one little pop. I froze and then laughed at the irony and had to amend my message. :)

I can’t say for sure it was the baby… but I certainly don’t know what else that could be. It was down low, and it was pretty unmistakable, especially with me just sitting still. I can’t wait to feel it some more.

Okay, I’m getting really freaking irritated with this nausea shit. Yesterday I puked once in the morning, once in the evening before bed, and now this morning at 5am I’m heaving over the effing toilet again. 5am! I woke up at quarter after 3 feeling really hungry… but in a “I don’t know if I dare add more to the rumbling going on in there” kind of way.

I have this sinking feeling that this nausea may not go away. I still am holding out hope though. Kel’s didn’t go away until 18 weeks in her first pregnancy. So that’s what I’m clinging to here. (Then I had another friend they were puking all the way through. Not such a positive thought.)

I’m pissed because I’m starving at the same time. I want to EAT. And I want to keep it DOWN.

I’m irritated because I really want to enjoy this, and it’s hard to enjoy things when you’re hanging over a toilet bowl (that you realize needs cleaning yet again).

::

I was just laying in the dark in bed waiting for Den’s alarm to go off, and I was bored. I started lightly pressing on my belly in the hopes that maybe I’d feel something on the inside. Know how when you try to listen really really carefully for a really faint sound, that you’re never sure if your brain is imagining the sound or if you really heard it? I felt a lot of gas bubbles, and some faint faint things that could have been the baby… or it could have just been my imagination. Who knows. Experiment failed.

I really want to feel the baby. The last couple of days I’ve felt smaller than usual, and other than the nausea I could forget that I am pregnant. I’m still in this suspended state of disbelief. I’m really looking forward to our ultrasound just to get another jolt of reality! I just wish I could feel him/her moving in there. I think that will really make it real, that there’s a baby growing in me. It still feels like some abstract concept sometimes. I know it’s there… but I can’t feel a thing!

::

And yet, life is still so damn good. I woke up in a bed covered with two comforters. Last night as we were putting the second one on the bed Den says to me, “You know, we’re going to have to turn the heat on at some point.” “Yeah. Just not yet!” But we woke up all toasty warm and all is good with the world. I especially do love waking up next to my husband, and rolling over to snuggle him before he has to get up and get ready for work. He’s a very snuggle-worthy person. He’s always so warm, and my body fits just right against his (well, it’s getting harder!).

::

I’m still stumped on the Mei Tais, and I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that I simply cannot invest in a brand new custom until I know what type I like. So I guess I’ll have to just pick up a used Mei Tai, whatever I feel like at the time, and see if I like it. Kind of a pain. But there are so many brands/styles out there… my head is swimming and I think it will all come down to what FEELS best with me and my baby. No way to know ahead of time. :( I just hope I find a used MT in a print that I like. So many of them for sale just make me go “Ick!” Even used MTs can be ridiculously expensive, but I’ve seen a couple of older styles for around $40, which is much more reasonable. Lets me test it out without a huge investment.

I did find an absolutely gorgeous print that I LOVE, the Indigo Cherry Blossom on the Sachi Mei Tai. But again, I don’t think I want to spend $80 on a custom MT when I have no idea if I’ll like the Sachi. Bah. And I can’t find that print ANYWHERE else, not even in an online fabric store. :(

So the search continues. (Yes I’m obsessed. You say that like it’s a bad thing.)

Edit: So maybe not. I think I found what I’m looking for: Mei Tai Baby. GREAT reviews on TBW. It’s a nice simple design that looks really comfortable. It has interchangeable panels so you can get three (or more!) different prints and swap them out when you feel like, which for me is a great thing. You can even buy a headrest to add on when the kid gets bigger. So this may be one I splurge on. Not now, of course… I’m not going to order anything new until I think Jan/Feb timeframe. But I’m feeling pretty pleased with this. :) I especially love the Batik Flowers and Blue Leaf Mosaic. Gorgeous. OH I almost missed the holiday fabrics… I LOVE Upon A Midnight Clear. Agh! I want it now!

I still kind of want a babyhawk… but they just look a little large for newborns, IMO. I might save that until later!

Yes, that’s right, winter is here. It may not be here to stay, but this morning it was cold. Not in the house – but when I stepped outside with the dog the cold hit me like slap in the face. I put my toque (funny Canadian word for winter hat) and gloves on. Agh.

At work I was fine, of course. My boss never turns down the heat there. For the cats, you know.

And then I came home to a much cooled down house, baked some zucchini loaf (it was excellent) and froze my little butt off. I ended up finding a reheatable gel pack and it is my new best friend. I heated it up in the microwave, and then when I crawled into bed with my laptop I stuck it down by my feet. Aahhhh!!! Heat radiating up my poor, frozen feetsies! This is truly wonderful.

::

On one of my forums I posted a list – with pictures – of the carriers I want most. It helped me clarify two things: one, I want the chocolate Moby, and two, I want the Zoie Hotsling. So I of course did a search on TBW forums for used slings and found that used Zoie Hotslings are very plentiful (yay for choosing a popular print), and for a very good price. So hopefully I can pick one up shortly. :D

I’m still totally stumped on the Mei Tais though. I’ll let it marinate some more. See what’s out there.

::

I slept like crap last night. I was wide awake for hours, and then when I forced myself to sleep it was fitful, with a lot of waking up and stressing over stupid things. I woke up at 6am and couldn’t fall back asleep. I ended up not going into work until noon, but even then I STILL couldn’t even take a nap. I was so frustrated! (Though it did let me get some work done.)

Now I think I’m about to crash. Literally, I can feel my body shutting down. So tired. Hopefully I sleep really well tonight.

I think finding out the baby’s sex could be one of the worst things we do. Why? Because I want to go shopping!!! Baby clothes, baby gear, carriers….. I have a list a mile long of things that I WILL NOT BUY YET because I’m holding off until we find out what baby is. I think Den’s going to have to give me a monthly paypal allowance. (And I say “he’ll have to give me” because, well, I don’t like doing shopping without his okaying it first. I tend to spend too much!) Oh see, now I just found another diaper I totally want to buy (Staccinator Deluxe in leopard print!). Sigh.

I have a craving for zucchini loaf. You couldn’t get me to eat zucchini with any amount of coaxing, but my mom always made this kick-ass zucchini loaf that was to die for. Even my dad ate it. (That says a lot.) However, I do not have the recipe. I’m going to have to email her for it… because man… I really want some.

Here’s an example of why I make a really crappy pregnant lady:

I watch a lot of shows that you probably shouldn’t watch while pregnant. Things like CSI, and House. Well I was watching a recorded House last night, and someone dies in it. I cried. However, as I explained it to Den, it wasn’t why you think…

“I cried at House. The guy was dying. And he… sniffle… asked for his dog. And they brought him his dog and layed the dog on his bed with him. And then he died. And the dog was saaddddd! *wail* I felt so sad for the poor doggy!! And then the dog died!! CRY!“