…. are not very restful.

On the positive side, we had some nice days, Kate is a great car traveler, and she was hilarious and well behaved.

On the negative side she would not sleep. I knew it was going to be tricky the first night or two, but I was prepared – I brought the white noise machine, Violet, many extra pacis. I had even specifically booked a 2-bedroom cottage so that she would have her own space. I hung blankets over the door and window so that it was dark. Yes the pack-n-play is a little unfamiliar to her, but I figured with how exhausted she’d likely be and me nursing before bed still that she’d adapt pretty quickly. I was wrong. So, so wrong. This is how it went every night: Kate is playing with toys, but whining and rubbing her eyes. Very whiny. I carry her into her bedroom, turn on Violet, cuddle her, lay down on the bed to nurse her just like usual. What I got was a shrieking banshee, pushing me away and trying to climb down and run off. Shrieking, crying, throwing a big damn fit… every single night. Naps too! As soon as she figured out that room was the sleeping room she’d start as soon as I walked in and turned off the lights. She ended up being up way too late every night, which meant little to no quiet time for us, but at least then she’d actually fall asleep after crying for a few minutes (as opposed to the escalating shrieking that happened if we tried later in the evening).

The first night she slept through until 6am and I woke up thinking, well that was a bad evening, but she slept great so this is okay. The next night she woke twice – and it didn’t get better from there. The last night she was up about every hour or two, then refused to sleep after 5am so I ended up in her room in the bed while she fell asleep sprawled across Den’s chest in our bed. Oh, and yes I tried bringing her into our bed to sleep – anything for more sleep. She just ended up nursing and biting (!!), then rolling away. The bed was high so I couldn’t sleep because I was scared she was going to fall off. She just wouldn’t lay still for me!

But enough about that. It was horrible, we’ll acknowledge that and move on. I’ve never been so happy to see her crib as I was when we came home.

::

The weather was not our friend this week. Middle of August and we ended up walking the beachfront in the rain, shivering. I was wholly unprepared for that possibility – which Den thought was funny, because “It is Maine, after all!” So we bought me and Kate both a sweatshirt, and then had to get Kate some pants and socks. I also had to scramble a bit to find something to do in the rain, since my previous plans involved beaches, waterparks, and pools. We spent a day hanging out at the mall, which was at least something out of the cottage.

Our original plan was to go for 4 nights, but because of some booking issues/requirements we went for 5 nights. That turned out to be a very good thing, too, because the last two days were finally sunny and warm! Wednesday we went to an amusement/water park, and Thursday we went to the beach.

::

The amusement park started off very badly. I was so excited because I knew they had a toddler area and I had read that they had many slides and amusement rides with no minimum height. Great! Except… we get in there and find out that parents can NOT ride with the child. WTF! I was so pissed off. There were two rides I could go on with Kate. First we went on a kids balloon ride (a very small, fully-caged-in ferris wheel), which would have been fun had she been allowed to sit on my lap and look out, but we were told she had to sit on the seat. So not only could she not see a damn thing, but she whined the entire time because she wanted to be held. Sigh. Then we went on a little helicopter ride, which she actually seemed to enjoy. We went up and down, she could see, it was good. But everything else? Little car ride, boat ride, elephant ride, on and on – no parents. My kid loves rides. We do not trust her to sit the entire ride, and those flimsy belts are not enough to keep her sitting. So a major no-go. I did go on a couple of roller coasters while Den occupied Kate, which was fun, but it still left me wishing we hadn’t wasted our money on the amusement park at all. Next year, maybe.

The water park was no better. They had this whole kids section with some fairly small water slides, the smallest being about 8 feet tall, then some bigger than that. Easy slides, great slides! But there was no way in hell she was going up that high and down the slide all by herself… No way. Then you add in all the spray things that were going on and the big kids running through the water splashing everywhere and Kate wouldn’t touch a toe in that pool.

I asked if there were any rides that she could go on with me, and I was directed to three rides, all big adult slides. Two of them required inner tubes with the child sitting in front of you in a double tube. Ummm, not going to work. The last one was a slide where you sat on a mat, she could sit on my lap. Okay, I can do that. So up we went. People stared at me, standing in line holding a 1 year old. They really stared when she started getting worked up. Let’s see, let’s take a 1 year old and stand on stairs for 20 minutes and not let her climb them. Yeah, that’s a great idea. She wanted to be put down, and while I cajoled and distracted by the time we got right to the top she. melted. down. I knew the smart thing was to just give up and walk back down but god damnit I just waited 20 minutes to go on a water slide, I’m going on the water slide. I even put Kate down to let her climb up the last few stairs to the top but at that point she just put her head down and screamed in pent-up frustration, refusing to move. Yep. Awesome. So I carried her. Oh then, to get started on the slide, you put the mat down in the water and sit on it in the water and push off through a spray of water. Ahahahaha. I saw that and almost started laughing because I knew how this was going to go: badly. I sat down and put the already-upset child on my lap and pushed off through the spray and she just screamed louder. All the way down. I can only imagine what the people standing in line must have thought of me. The funny thing is, the actual ride down was pretty tame and fun, and had she not already been upset she probably would have had fun. The slide let out at the bottom into a little pool like many do, so I just lifted her up as we got there…. she got only her legs and bum wet. But needless to say she was still Not Impressed.

I felt like just giving up, after spending $60 to get in, then finding out Kate can’t go on any of the slides, she’s refusing to go in the water at all and is throwing a fit.

Thankfully after I nursed her and relocated to the toddler pool I found things got much better. It took her a while to warm up to the water, at first she would only splash in the first inch or two. But then she got bolder and started wading out further. Then once she discovered the tunnel in the splash pond, well that was it for the rest of the day! All the toddlers thought it was the best thing ever. (Well, okay, some toddlers though the bubblers were the best thing ever, but my kid is apparently too much like me and hates anything that splashes water). So basically I spent hours walking around the tunnel, supervising as she walked in and out, in and out, in and out, and happily greeted every other kid in there. We took a break for lunch, then she was back in the tunnel again. By the time the sun was going down her lips were turning blue-ish and it still took me a while to catch her so we could get dry and go home!

While in the water park Den spent most of the day sunbathing and staying off a hurt knee, and I got to go on a couple of water slides (by myself! I wasn’t going to attempt the line with Kate again, no sir).

All in all I think I would do the water park again, but I’d try to find one that either had a very small toddler slide or lets parents go down with their child. And just in general I think I need to stop having any expectations of how a day will go.

::

We didn’t even bother actually going and setting up on the beach with the intention of sunbathing or swimming, since neither would be happening with Kate in the mix. Instead we took the stroller and walked the boardwalk, sightseeing and enjoying the sunshine. We did, however, find a little patch of sand beside a parking lot, where there was a line of tall grass between us and the parking lot and us and the main beach. It was just perfect to let Kate walk up and down the sand, sit and dig a little bit, and not have to worry about her wandering onto someone’s blanket. We moved on when she started trying to eat little pieces of driftwood, but she enjoyed touching the sand and letting it run through her fingers – though my dainty little girl always seems to hold her hands up like she doesn’t want to soil them in the dirt. (The funniest thing is when she wants to stand up but doesn’t want to touch the ground to do so, she gets quite annoyed!)

The beachfront had amusement rides, too, and we had planned to go on just a couple – they were the kind of rides you buy tokens/tickets for. Which was a great plan until we realized that we had to pay for me and Kate, which worked out to $5 per ride on the kid rides. Are you fucking kidding me? The adult rides were double the price, so $5 for just me to go on a dinky coaster or pirate ship. Not worth it.

::

It was a 3 hour drive, and both there and back Kate slept for half the drive. She then occupied herself for another hour, playing with her feet and babbling and laughing while we tried not to distract her. The last half hour was spent with me feeding her goldfish one at a time, stringing them out as long as possible; apparently goldfish crackers light up her life and make everything better momentarily, very handy things. We are very thankful that she is a good car traveler!

Our little cottage was actually quite perfect. It had two bedrooms, a TV, a small bathroom with a shower, a small kitchen with sink and gas stovetop, a small refrigerator, and a screened in porch. The interior was nicer than the pictures online – we were expecting wood paneling and old floors, but everything was freshly painted, with new linoleum on the floor. Nothing fancy or expensive, it still was just a simple camping cottage, but it was cute and well kept.

The grounds also had a pool, which of course we never used due to the crappy weather and rain, and a playground. The playground was geared towards older kids, so it when Kate wanted to climb it required a lot of very close supervision so she wouldn’t fall down the ladder, but there was a baby swing and a big sand pit with toys. Kate enjoyed digging in the sand and then sitting on the dump truck. (Not so certain that is how dump trucks are supposed to be used!) There were also grassy areas, fire pits, and a shuffle board (which Kate thought was fascinating when people were playing). We also really appreciated that the grounds were set back from the road, unlike many others that we passed by where the pool was literally right by the main road. The only problem was mosquitos. They really like me, and Kate apparently swells up when she gets bit, so after one very brief evening at the playground she had several red lumps, poor kid.

All in all it was a good vacation. Far from perfect, what with the weather and sleep difficulties, but I guess that’s just life in general – and life with a toddler. I’m learning to roll with the punches but I’ll admit to feeling sulky for a while. But we have lots of pictures and memories – and some funny stories to tell.

5 days is a good amount of time to be away, I think. We usually go away for either 2-3 weeks (to see my parents), or 2-3 days (previous vacations). After a couple of weeks away I’m impatient to get home to familiar surroundings; 3 days never feels like enough, like you barely get settled into your vacation before you’re home again. This time I definitely felt relief on getting home, but we got to enjoy our time away without it dragging.

::

Kate also had a bit of a verbal explosion this week. She’s a babbler to start with, but it just seems like she’s mimicking words now, repeating sounds and making mental leaps. New words this week (or at least recently) are “Oh!” (uh-oh), “Hi!”, “Ball,” and sometimes prompted “peez” (please). The please is because she has started this delightful new thing of shrieking at the top of her lungs when she wants something or is unhappy with something. Want food? SHRIEEEEKKKK! Want down? SHRIEEEKKK!! Want mom to stop holding my hand? SHRIEEEEEEEEEEK! It’s the kind of pitch that is specifically created to make parents’ eyeballs flutter back into their heads while they reach way down deep into their souls to ask themselves if they have the patience to survive raising a child. It’s the kind of sound that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and you just want to snap, “BE QUIET!” So this is why we’re trying to teach an alternative behavior of asking politely. Well really what word she uses doesn’t matter, as long as it’s not screamed.

She also is starting to develop some funny mannerisms along with her toddler speech. Right now she nods her head very seriously while babbling at you, as if she is imparting wisdom of grave import to the world. After we ate dinner at a family restaurant one night Den took her for a little stroll to the waiting room while I waited for the bill. I heard her babbling and I glance over to see that she has walked up to a table of older, grandparent-age patrons and is doing her head-nodding babble at them. “Ger beg da glur-bloop!” They were cracking up at her. She then proceeded to the next table to repeat herself. (Normally we don’t let her interrupt people in restaurants, but the ladies especially thought she was super cute and encouraged her over, so we let her say hi.)

Kate wakes up crying at 4am after we all had a late night. I lay down on the spare mattress to nurse her, which she does sleepily before falling back asleep.

First thought: when did she get so slow at nursing?? Jeez. She was always so quick about it, now I’m impatiently tapping my fingers. She’s especially slow when half-asleep in the middle of the night, of course. (By “slow” I mean it takes her 10 whole minutes, rather than 4 or 5.)

Second thought: boy am I ever going to miss these cuddles when they’re gone. I love the feel of her curls, her hand pressed to my chest, the sighs. I love the kiss on the forehead I always give her before lowering her into her crib. (I always whisper the same thing, “Good night, baby, I love you.”)

But of course an hour and a half later I am still not asleep, my stomach unhappy with the two drinks I had yesterday roiling uncomfortably. Sigh.

Until this week Kate had not worn a disposable diaper since the day she came home from the hospital at 1 day old. I still have most of a package of newborn pampers swaddlers stashed in her room, untouched. It’s been all cloth diapers since then. Even when we went to Canada for two weeks we used all cloth – not really convenient on the airplane, but we stayed at my parents so it was easy to do the wash.

This summer we are going on vacation to a cottage near the beach. With no laundry facilities. I thought a lot about what I was capable of doing by hand and what hybrid options there were and finally just said screw this and bought a package of disposables. (Huggies Little Movers, size 3.) Not only is this pretty much a requirement for vacationing without laundry, but Kate also has a very persistent blister on her bum that opens up every time she poops. It’s been a losing battle for a few months now and I’m at the point where I need to use some heavy duty butt cream which would ruin/stain the cloth diapers.

First impressions: The disposable diapers don’t smell bad like I thought they would. They don’t feel plastic-y either. They are also very thin! I like that her pants fit better and she doesn’t have a huge bubble butt (though the bubble butt is adorable, too). I like that I can stuff 2 or 3 sposies in my purse or small diaper bag and not have to either carry around the big bag or leave the diapers in the car and hope she doesn’t have an emergency. Very convenient, for sure! They ride up really high though, I had to ask my friends if I was doing it right or if she was in completely the wrong size, I am simply not used to a diaper going halfway up her back, it’s so weird and stupid-looking. They do get grossy mushy when she pees, from the gel soaking up the liquid – but that also means I notice and change her right away. Oh, and the poops? REEK. Holy yucky. It must be some interaction between the chemicals and the poop, because it does NOT smell like that in the cloth diapers – which is part of the problem, since we sometimes don’t notice a poop for a long time (and she doesn’t tell me that she pooped, doesn’t cry or whine or anything half the time!). So for right now the immediate notification smell is a good thing, but it’s still gross. I also really appreciate not having to swish the diapers in the toilet to get the poops off before tossing them in the bin.

I really thought Den would be all, “This is so much easier!” but instead he gagged horribly at the mushy gel butt and said, “Go put her in a REAL diaper, that’s gross!” He is so funny!

So we’ll see how it goes on vacation. I really hope we don’t start having leaking issues or something, I don’t have the patience for trying out all different brands or anything…. I just want the Huggies to work for a few weeks, that’s all. Once she’s healed up I’ll be going back to the fuzzibunz!

What do you do when you’re 14 months old and bored in the highchair? Very little eating, apparently. Significantly more funny faces.

On the whole I am still very young, not yet even 30 years old. Yet the past 8 years have matured me more than I think I grew in the previous 8. Large parts of it are due to the specific struggles I have faced, from a long-distance relationship, immigration, infertility and losing a child. Some I’m sure is just due to time and now becoming a mother and raising a child.

Some friends were laughing recently at how young and naive we once were, so incensed at the injustices of the world, so fired up and unable to move past the little slights. I think back to my old blog, the one I had through college, and I roll my eyes at the emotional outrage and sulkiness that it contained. You think life is rough now, kid? Just you wait for what’s around the corner. But of course I didn’t know, and without that knowledge and experience that’s just what it was at the time.

Then I think, oh good god, I’m going to have a teenage daughter one day. I guess the best I can hope for is that we all weather that storm and she comes out a good, smart, grounded person on the other side. I know at the time you won’t believe anything I say about the world – it’s something you have to discover for yourself. Either you won’t believe me when I tell you the world is a tough place, with worse trials than you can imagine lurking out of sight, or you won’t believe me when I tell you that after all of that it’s still a good place to be, there is still plenty of things to look forward to. It will be hard on me to watch you struggle through. I won’t tell you to get over – well, maybe I will, but I’ll try not to. Everything you feel is valid, if based on an incomplete understanding of the world. You’ll come to your own realizations in time – as much as I’ll want to help you. But I’ll always be here for you if you need me. That I can promise.

I hope one day she’ll get to hold her own child in her arms, that all will make sense to her. I hope one day she understands just how much she changed my life.

I finally have internet again. In fact I’ve had internet since Wednesday, but during my web break I got into playing Dragon Age 2 on the xbox – and by “got into” I really mean “became totally obsessed with.” The only reason I’m on the computer right now is because Kate is asleep and Den managed to wrench the xbox away from me.

Kate is an adorable 14 1/2 months old and I am constantly astounded by how much fun a toddler is. I was never able to picture anything beyond having a tiny baby and how wonderful that is (and it is! I love little bitty babies!), could never picture myself with a small child. But my little baby inevitably morphed into a small person and it all makes sense now. It’s actually kind of crazy how excited I get when she does something like put a block through a hole or says a new word.

Words are her new thing. She loves her picture book that has “kitty” and “dah” (dog) in it, and just the other day when I was running through the pictures she repeated “ball” back to me. Well it was “bah!” but she says it consistently at the picture of the ball. She’s trying to say “fish” but she gets caught up on the “sh” sound so it sounds like “sheh!” But again, it’s consistent at the picture of the fish, repeating back to me. Then she very clearly said “shews!” at the red shoes. And of course she says “bye!” every time she closes a book. I have heard her a few times in her highchair saying, “Oh!” when she drops her sippy cup over the side.

The book obsession is in full force. She loves her books. L-o-v-e-s. She has a huge stack of board books in the living room and she will bring us every single one of them. She walks up to me, squawks to get my attention (no matter what I’m doing), hands the book over, does a happy dance and then sits either facing me on on my lap so I can read the book to her. She watches intently as I read and point to the words and pictures, she helps me turn the pages. As we turn the last page she says “bye!” and then either shoves the book back in my face or leaves it with me and goes to get another one. I have to admit that after about five times I start hiding the books behind me in the hopes that she’ll play with something else for a few minutes. We love books ourselves and really want to foster an enjoyment of books in her, but dude, seriously, we KNOW there are dinosaurs. Got it. Let’s play with blocks for a while, k?

She’s eating like crazy right now, thankfully eating foods she had been refusing for a couple of weeks while not feeling well. Now she’s back at the chicken and eggs and sometimes strawberries again too. She’s also nursing all the darn time – there have been times where I say, “Sorry, boob bar is closed. Here’s your sippy.” But she is for some reason not so thrilled with her sippy today either, so she takes a few sips, drops it, then is back tugging at my shirt. Now I enjoy nursing her still and have no intention of weaning her soon, but not when I’m in the middle of something! Jeez. So I have a feeling a growth spurt is on the horizon here.

::

We have been doing some very fun trips this summer, such as to the zoo and the aquarium. Granted I’m pretty sure we could have gone to a pond for free and amused her just as much, but the zoo and the aquarium are far more interesting for me, and at this age that’s what really matters, right? We’ve seen a lot of animals, big and small. Kate even seemed to actually care once in a while, that was pretty exciting. However, there is one thing she does NOT like: animal mouths.

On our second zoo trip this summer we got the opportunity to go up on a platform and actually hand-feed a giraffe. A giraffe! That’s pretty damn cool! So I went up there with a banana in my hand and held it out to this giraffe, who slowly plodded over. Kate was fine. The giraffe looked at us. Kate looked back. The giraffe stuck out its tongue and pulled the banana out of my hand. Kate screamed and clutched my arm. She was sick that day so I wrote it off as her being off her game. I mean, this kid isn’t really scared of much, she loves being startled and chased and “dropped”, not to mention she loves our cats and (big) dogs and interacts with them regularly.

So then Kate was in her stroller at the aquarium, and we were watching the beluga whale swim back and forth in front of the big glass window, playing with the spectators. Kate seemed to be amused by this large thing moving around. Then the whale opened its mouth wide and mouthed the glass. Kate threw herself backward and to the side in her stroller and screamed. I had to pull her out and give her a big hug. She calmed down quickly… until the whale opened its mouth again. Then she gave another – though smaller – little scream.

Even the eels in the tank frightened her. Well, not the eels themselves – she climbed up on the ledge in front of the glass and tried poking them. They swam back and forth and she patted the glass happily. Then, yep, one of them turned and nibbled at her finger through the glass. And yet again she shrieked and almost fell backwards.

So apparently not only does she understand what a mouth is, she understands that animal mouths have teeth and can hurt. Pretty sure that’s a lesson the cats taught her.

::

I leave you with some recent pictures and apologies for the extended silence.

Know what puts me in a really bad mood? Not having an internet connection.

Know what puts me in an even worse mood? Calling Comcast and being told that they can’t detect a connection (DUH), they can’t fix it from their end (great), and the soonest they can get a tech to us is Wednesday afternoon (fan-fuckin-tastic).

Now I am a relatively tech-savvy person, as is Den, and we have done all the usual tests but our modem still has a blinking light that should not be blinking. Our router is not getting an IP address from Comcast, and they apparently can’t detect the modem with their fancy diagnostic system. Not quite sure why it would suddenly act up, as both the router and modem were purchased by us just last year and have been working perfectly since then. Our connection has been slow the last couple weeks – we were actually suspicious that was Comcast’s fault because we cancelled cable TV and kept only our cable internet, but it got worse and then this weekend, pfffttt, no connection at all. Oh, but it will work for a half-hour here, an hour there… then off it goes again. Maybe a wiring problem? Hope it’s not the new modem. That would peeve us.

But whatever it is I hope it gets fixed on Wednesday, because if I have to go even longer without a reliable internet connection I’m going to go batshit crazy. I do not function well without internet. Thankfully we do have our droids to check email and messages and stuff, but it’s not like I’m going to write much or surf forums on my droid. And I definitely can’t finish the newsletter I am currently trying to get sent out.

Grrrrrrrrrr.

The hardest part of grocery shopping, I’ve found, is getting all the groceries inside and put away.

First challenge: Getting them all from the car to the house. What to do with the child? I used to bring her inside and put her down, then go get the groceries. That stopped working when she started crying and banging on the front door when I stepped out. Also, leaving her unattended can have bad consequences. My current solution is to leave her in her car seat. Windows open, back of the truck open, and every time I grab more grocery bags I make faces at her and say, “Be right back!” Thankfully she is okay with this.

Second challenge: Putting them all away. Normally it seems that grocery shopping always ends right when Kate is getting tired so I bring her in and put her to bed, leaving the groceries sitting out and hoping that she falls asleep quickly. Today, however, she was wide awake and chipper so she got to help me put them all away.

First she squatted by the bags of groceries and started removing items one by one. Once in a while an item would especially delight her and she would proudly walk around the kitchen holding it aloft. Today it was the new toothbrush I bought for her. I had to take it out of its package for her to chew on, and she was so happy!

But soon she moved on to dragging bags of groceries around, leaving a breadcrumb-like trail of boxes and bags all about the kitchen. She abandoned the bag on the far side of the kitchen. Next thing I know she has quietly snuck up behind me and is removing things from the fridge door and chucking them on the floor. She tried grabbing for the produce on the bottom shelf and I jumped to intercept her, as I have learned in the past she is surprisingly quick at pulling everything out in one or two sweeps.

Finally I get all the refrigerated items put away, remove the child from the fridge, and shut the door with a sigh of relief. Next is the tricky business of shoving things in the freezer. I hate our freezer, and I tell it that every time I have to use it. There is only a small shelf for ice cubes, the entire rest of the space is one large cavern of frozen bags and boxes that tumble out if you disturb the delicate balance. Some days, I admit, I shove hard and shut the door really quickly. While I’m trying to fit all the new items and get it all to stay put Kate is picking up the items I had removed from the fridge to throw away. I glance over. Is it dangerous? Is it likely to break open and create a giant mess? The answer is no, so I leave her be. I’ll collect them later.

Then I have to take out the trash. It doesn’t all fit, of course, since the trash was full before I pulled a bunch of things from the fridge. Kate tries throwing her new toothbrush in the disgusting trash while I’m grabbing a new bag. I try to tell her NO that is YUCKY without scaring her and making her cry (it’s a thin line). Luckily it seems to have worked and she leaves it alone. I take the trash outside while two cats plot to escape out the door (assholes) and Kate cries at the door. As I’m returning she’s banging on the door with my keys that she found.

Kate is once again in a good mood soon as I’m inside so I take the opportunity to wash some dishes, though first I have to put away all the dry ones. I don’t quite finish washing dishes when she has had enough and starts crying and tugging at my pant leg. The counters are still a mess too, but they’ll have to wait for later.

Remind me of all of this when Kate is a teenager refusing to help with the groceries and I have to do it all by myself.

The other day when Amy Winehouse died it was all over Facebook and one comment on someone’s post I read said something to the effect of, “Good riddance, another piece of trash gone.” I didn’t respond (I have no interest in starting an argument with a stranger on Facebook), but it’s bothered me ever since.

Today while driving in the car the announcer mentioned the funeral was today. “The ceremony ended with her father, Mitch Winehouse’s words “Goodnight my angel, sleep tight.” I got tears in my eyes.

I didn’t particularly know much about Amy Winehouse other than a song or two I hear on the radio. But the thing is there is a mother and father out there who just lost their child. It doesn’t matter who that person was, what they did, what choices they made – they loved her. Once, years ago, they held a baby in their arms with joy and love, excited to find out what the future would hold, hopeful for everything their child would grow to be, looking forward to a lifetime with her. Now she’s dead, gone forever. They are grieving.

Amy’s death was not unexpected for anyone, and the choices she made were sad and unfortunate. She had an addiction, a problem she didn’t overcome. But she was not a mass murderer, she was not a horrible person. She had the same problem that millions of other people in this world have; she could have been your sister, your cousin, your daughter.

I don’t know how anyone can think about someone’s death and not feel touched somehow, not feel their own mortality and that of their loved ones. What is wrong with this world that some people can shrug, can look at a human life like a piece of garbage.

Above all else I want to teach Kate a sense of not just morality, but of empathy and compassion. Death is never simple, and it always makes a mark on someone’s heart.

I definitely have a full-fledged toddler now. In fact she is now running. I discovered this while in Toys R Us and she spent the entire time pulling everything off of shelves, then running off down the aisles while I put everything back. It was exhausting. She had a ball, though. There were people to greet and toys to play with and interesting colors everywhere. She was clearly in toddler heaven.

Shopping carts are now more frustration that they are worth. When I stick her in the kid seat part she spends the whole time trying to turn around and stand up – and for the most part she’s pretty successful. Why the hell do they put the belt straps at their armpit level? I mean, really? NOT helpful, especially with a smaller child; she can easily stand up while still strapped in. So I spend the entire time holding her arm and hissing, “Sit DOWN!” I finally got tired of that and stuck her in the main basket part with my car keys. She kept toppling over when I turned corners, but at least she was in a cage. Though she still tried standing up every 10 seconds. Thankfully she is short. I can’t really blame her, though. I mean, stores are really cool and it’s way more fun to run around than sit in a cart or something. It’s just… tiring for mama. If I know I’m going to be somewhere for a while (like the grocery store) I still pull out my mei tai and she’s happy in that, though she still tries pulling things off shelves if I get close enough.

Her words are getting clearer now. She says “bye-bye” clear as a bell. “Kitty” sounds more like a slurred two-syllable “key,” and “dog” still sounds like “dah,” but she knows what it means and says it when we see our dogs or I point to a picture of a dog. She says “dada” and “mama” randomly, still not really sure she knows that “mama” means me, it’s more of a general term of “I want something” at this point. I think those are all her words still. And I find it very funny how she’ll throw a real word into a gibberish sentence. “Bye-bye gleeber dooble buh der.” Uhhh…. yes, dear. Right.

She understands a lot more, though. She understands and follows through with simple instructions and questions. “Sit down,” “Give dada a kiss,” “Get your book,” “Where’s the kitty?” “Where’s your mouth?” “Push the button!”

Clothes-wise she is getting close to moving up from 12M size, but then some shirts she wears are 9M and they fit fine. She’s definitely not a wide baby, but she’s not stick skinny either. She has some chunk to her thighs – while she’s still wearing Fuzzibunz small diapers, I had to go out a snap around her thighs (but she still has a small waist). And most of the reason to move her up a size in clothes is fit around her thighs and diaper butt. I am still very happy with the Fuzzibunz, though; I’ve tried a few different styles and brands and I keep coming back to the FB for fit on her. And I don’t like the one-size FB either, the extra fabric in the butt just makes it puff out like a giant pillow. I’m picky about trim fits. I have also discovered that anything with one row of snaps (Thirsties snaps, GroVia snaps) don’t fit her well, they sag. And for velcro/aplix I actually like the GroVia best, the Thirsties really lose their staying power after a few months of constant use (since she stays in the same size forever and a day – she’s still in size small Thirsties, too, and they’re pretty much done for, both elastics and aplix). Plus I’m thinking that at this age, especially in summer when she’s running around in just a diaper half the time, I’m not too keen on letting her experiment with taking diapers off, so snaps are safer. lol I do wish I had found a one-size diaper that I loved so I wouldn’t have to buy more diapers, but then again buying new diapers is fun. ;) I just don’t let myself do it very often. (I LOVE the Crushed Berries color!)

We have been doing a lot of swimming this month, which is so much fun! Kate still is not a huge fan of just hanging out IN the pool, she wants to climb out and in repeatedly. Whether it’s a ladder, stairs (her favorite!) or just pulling herself up and out, then turning and jumping into my arms. As long as it’s on her terms she loves the swoosh! (Unfortunately we’re having issues with my pool not being level so we had to drain it and now we’re trying to figure out what to do next. Of course, the hottest week of the year. I’m so irritated.)