One of the things I’ve had to learn really well during this pregnancy has been to listen to my body. I think too often in life we really do need to ignore our body – you have to get up and to go to work no matter how you feel, you have to do x, you have to do y. And even me, who generally has a FAR more flexible lifestyle than most people, did fall into that trap a lot. But now that I’m pregnant I feel like I’m allowed to say, “I’m really tired today, I’m going to sleep in and go into work later.” (Even though I technically could have done that before too.) I’m allowed to say, “I really can’t eat that right now.” And people just nod their head knowingly. It’s pretty cool.

But in order to say it – to yourself or to someone else – you first have to notice it. The pregnant me is making things really really clear. Like today, we ordered a thing of chinese food to share, and man it was GOOD. My favorite dish, cooked properly. I wanted to eat a second helping. But one bite of that second helping and my stomach did a complete roll and I put the fork down. No, I should NOT eat any more. No matter how good it tastes. I tell you, there has been very little binge eating in my life – junk food or not, my body allows only so much food into it and then says, “Sorry bucko, any more and it’s coming back up.” Oh yes I listen now. Not listening is bad.

Another example, yesterday I got home from work at a decent time (around 5:30). I wanted to get some work stuff done on my laptop before going to bed. So I sat here on the bed with my laptop in order to do that. I was getting stuff done, installing a program I needed. I know I’m tired, but I’m trying to fight it off just a little bit longer. Suddenly I couldn’t keep my eyes over, I start wobbling. I end up laying down onto my husband’s pillow and falling asleep just like that. That was at 6:30 – Den woke me up at 10:00 when he got into bed. I hastily grabbed my laptop and finished what I had been doing earlier (because it was time-sensitive and needed to get done before morning), and flopped back down to fall back asleep. And I slept until 5:30am, people. Body said, You can do work later. Sleep now. And it would have taken a lot to make me ignore it! My body is no longer hinting at what it needs. It hits me over the head with a sledgehammer.

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I feel fabulous today as a result, though. I’ve been awake all day, and in a fantastic mood. I stopped by the mall (and thus Babies R Us, of course) on my way home from an errand – just to browse. It was my first time in BRU knowing that it’s a little boy we’re having, and it was like I was seeing the store in a whole new way. I skipped all the pink stuff and looked longer at the blue stuff – and, more than that, I was picturing my little boy in all those cute clothes. Just filled my heart with joy. They have the cutest puppy dog outfits… little happy puppy dogs on a sweater-vest set – not sure when I’d ever have an occasion to put my child in a sweater vest outfit other than photos, but you know, it was wicked cute. I didn’t even buy anything this time, I was really good. But oh it was fun to indulge my fantasies for a little while and just revel in the baby stuff.

I’m starting to feel really excited again about having a boy. Yeah, it was kind of up and down for a while. The weekend was… full of panic. I didn’t write a lot, but my brain was spinning out of control for a while. Immediately following the ultrasound I was just really really excited, then that evening the reality sunk in… the TRUE reality. I can’t even really explain it, but it was like… suddenly I was thinking about how I am going to have a teenager one day… a bratty, snotty teenager… a CHILD who throws things and has tantrums… not just a cute little helpless baby, but that cute little baby was going to grow up to be a child with a mind of his own and an attitude and OMFG what am I going to DO?? And it’s not like I can say that I freaked about having finding out it was a boy. I think I would have freaked had it been a girl, too. It was just like knowing the gender, choosing a name, giving the baby an identity, just pushed this from fantasy land to reality. I think most people have their freak-out earlier in pregnancy… like after the “I’m pregnant!!” high finally settles and you start wondering what on earth you got yourself into. No, I had to wait until halfway through to have mine.

But it’s all good now. I am still nervous about having a boy, but friends are always telling me how great little boys are, and how they’re easier (and that they love their mamas!). That helps. :) Plus it doesn’t hurt that my friends have the CUTEST little boys. When Kel had her little boy it really made me want my own. When I look at old pictures of my brother, back when he had chubby little cheeks – gosh he was cute!! – I can totally see how AWESOME it would be to have a little boy. (Then I think about my brother as a teenager and I start panicking again. LOL He’s a shit, even still at 22! He’s a good boy for the most part – lippy as hell, but overall a good kid – but he sure doesn’t give mom an inch! Thank goodness Den loves his mommy, it gives me hope.)

I guess all I can do is what every other parent does – do the best they can, and hope like hell it’s enough to end up with a happy, adjusted, educated, respectful member of society. But shit, it’s hard not to worry. What if my kid has a behavior disorder? What if he has trouble in school, or has a bad teacher? What if he falls in with the wrong crowd? What if he ends up with depression like his mama has? Yes, these are all fears that have been running through my head. Idiotic, really, because what the hell can I do about it now? I haven’t even had the kid yet! But I guess I’m doomed to it, being a mother-to-be and all. The fears are a part of parenting.

It’s funny because I’ve been a natural pet-parent all my life. I never stopped to think about evaluating myself or worrying about how my dogs would end up as. I just did it, I did the best that I could, and I loved them with all my heart. And it all ends up okay. They’re not perfect. Both current dogs have moderate-to-severe behavioral problems (one is spastic ADHD type with some guarding issues thrown in; the other has pretty severe anxiety problems). One of them has serious health issues that will require surgery (hip displasia). One of the cats now has a health condition that needs constant managing for the rest of his life (a urinary condition). (Yeah, after reading that list – we’re stopping at 4 animals not just because Den would kill me if I got more, but because we can’t AFFORD any more! Sheesh!) But I don’t sit here and think OMG, my dog isn’t normal!! What am I going to do?! But then again, my dog never has to become a productive member of society and leave the nest, either. She’ll stay in my care for her entire life, and it’s perfectly okay for her to be terrified of strangers and never really venture outside of the house. Not ideal, but it doesn’t really affect our lifestyle, she’s happy within the family, and it is what it is. She’ll stay at the mentality of a three year old, as dogs do, stay mama’s little girl. So it’s okay. Raising a whole human being? That’s a freaking scary proposition.

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I’ve gotten a few comments lately about how tiny I am, which cracks me up. Though, granted I do still have my big days and my small days. Today was a small day. I guess some women would get upset at any kind of comment on their size/weight, but I just laugh. No I still haven’t gained any weight. I’ve gained girth out front – and lost some of my saddlebags and butt. I call it a fair trade. If he’s going to make me this sick for this long, the least he can do is get rid of those stupid pockets of fat I’ve been carrying around for years. (And at least I know baby can still get plenty of nutrion out of my body, despite me throwing up food on a regular basis. Never thought I’d be glad to have those fat storages. So that’s what they’re for…)

I’ve also gotten a couple of comments about the name, that it’s “unusual.” It’s really not. Devin, spelled that way, is ranked #100, and spelled Devon it’s #197 (according to BabyNames.com). And it’s not one of the newly created names either. It’s gaining popularity recently because it fits in with the current trend of Aidens/Cadens/Jadens, but it was quite popular in the 80’s and has been on the name charts since the 60’s (as per the Name Voyager). But I’ve also gotten a ton of comments on what a nice name it is. :) To be perfectly honest, out of the three names we had – two girl’s names and one boy’s name – this is the one I liked the most. So I am SO happy to be able to use it!!

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Den’s getting really ticked off and upset this week. Devin’s been kicking like crazy for a week, enough that I can feel it on the outside. And every single time Den tries to feel something, Devin stops. Just now there was a flurry of activity… I call Den in… he runs in, puts his hand on my belly… waits… waits… nothing. Absolutely nothing. He’s so disappointed! I don’t know if it’s his voice? The way his hand feels on my stomach? Just really bad timing? Arg. I know as Devin gets stronger and more active Den will catch it one of these times… but man, I really want him to feel it too!! And now he’s kicking again, 10 minutes later. :sigh: Figures. Who says babies don’t have a sense of humor.