I have had this blog window open for a couple of hours now. I feel like I should post something, but I can’t seem to form anything into words or sentences or even full thoughts. A lot of emotions right now. Mostly frustration. And anger. Same old shit.

I hate how IF makes you feel… makes you question everything you are and everything you thought you were going to be. It makes you break it down. How badly do you want kids? How much are ou willing to endure? How much are you willing to pay?

I hate how unfair it all is. There is no rhyme or reason… in fact I’m convinced IFers are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. A girl on a forum pointed out that this is where a lot of the anger comes from… not jealousy, per say. Not that we think our friends shouldn’t have babies and be happy themselves… but wondering why it’s so unfair, wondering why it couldn’t be so easy for us too.

I hate waiting. I am not a patient person. The first time I do something it is novel. After that it becomes extremely irritating.

I hate how angry and quick-tempered I’ve gotten. I feel so distracted and busy all the time and some days I look at my dear, sweet little dog and apologise to her for being a bad furmama. I’m not the person I want to be.

I hate that I put my life on hold over and over again because you don’t know what next month will bring. And it’s like a 50-50 chance. Just planning our little anniversary get-away has turned out to be a cause of stress because it’s managed to fall directly during retrieval and/or transfer. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to give a “maybe” RSVP to something because I didn’t know if I was going going to be having a proceedure done that day or not.

And to really rub things in today, as if I don’t have enough to deal with… I feel like I got bit by a humongous mosquito (which is very likely, as they are swarming our woods out back, yuck) on my behind. I just asked Den to take a look at it and he informed me that both of my big, painful “bites” on my ass are zits. Why thank you SO much. As if having them on my face and back isn’t enough to deal with.

Today was my first no-BCP day. I expect AF to hit on Sunday. Which had me rather concerned, with timing being as important as it is this month to hopefully avoid driving 2 hours each way to have a proceedure done while we are in Boston. I realized late last night that if I got my period this weekend and called to let them know, they wouldn’t return my call until Monday and the soonest I could get my baseline would be Tuesday, delaying things. I – of course – stressed over it.

So today, on the advice of a forum buddy, I called the IVF nurses to explain my concern. I did a piss-poor job of it, too; after I hung up I stared at the cat that had settled on my lap during the call and said, “WTF? I didn’t make any sense at all, did I.” (The cat declined to answer.) I really expected a call back of, “Ummm… what?” Instead, much to my surprize and delight, the IVF nurse called me later and said right off the bat that what we’ll do is if my period arrives on saturday I’ll come in sunday for my baseline; if it arrives sunday I’m to come in monday. Simple as that! Can I just say how much I love the IVF nurses? They are on top of everything, super helpful, and so very nice.

Of course now I’m worried that AF will take a detour and not show up this weekend. I’ll be pissed.