The Caboose Is Still Behind
I don’t think my brain has caught up yet. I’m giving myself injections (well, one so far) and I have a huge box of meds and I have calendars up the wazoo to make sure I don’t forget one of the thousand little things I have to remember this cycle, I have nurses on speed dial and doctor’s appointments looming… and none of it seems to have sunk in. I even spend some of my time chatting with people about IVF and explaining what we’re going through. It’s like I’ve done so much research on this and I’m talking about statistics and theories and medical terminology and even friends I know. I don’t have much of a sense of “me” yet.
Sometimes I listen to others talk about their IVF experience in the here-and-now… the emotional turmoil. And then I feel a little guilty because here I am sitting here licking a lollypop. “Yep, gettin’ shots! Egg and sperm! Gonna get me pregnant! Wheee, how fun!” I know a lot of it comes from this being my first IVF cycle and haven’t yet been filled with cynicism and frustration – and trust me, I’m happy to be avoiding that at this point, I’ve had enough of that with other things. But a part of me wonders if I shouldn’t be connecting more with the whole experience.
I’m not sure which is better. I feel very calm about the whole thing as it is. The IVF minutea has become my obsession. It’s like I’ve pushed the “baby” part of the equation into a back closet for a while. I’ll let it out later… much later. Getting pregnant, at this stage, seems like some foreign concept. It’ll happen “someday,” hopefully, maybe. When I see pregnant people, instead of feeling that stab of jealousy that I was feeling so often before, now it’s just a pleasant, fuzzy, Oh that’s nice. How sweet.
The whole experience seems very surreal. Five minutes after getting my injection I was checking my stomach for a mark. (There isn’t one – first all I saw was my lap scar and thought Holy crap, what happened?! See – my brain is just struggling to stay caught up here.) I know I got an injection, I remember getting an injection. I also remember laying on that hospital bed before and after my lap surgery, IV in my hand, mouth dry as cotton. It’s just that the memories feel like they’re dreams, or something I read in a book.
If getting pregnant feels this weird… what’s it going to feel like to be pregnant??
The first couple of shots are the hard ones. Good job for getting over the hump. Because there is so much to do, so many appointments to make, so much poking, prodding and remembering, it does sort of take over your life. Good luck. I hope you only need one.
I hope that you are one of the lucky ones who never has to know the cynicism that a failed cycle or two can bring.
I’m on my first round of IVF too and I’ve found that the more I get into the cycle, the more I become attached to it and feel connected to it. You may find it creeps up on you at some point. Good luck with the rest of the injections, it becomes second nature after a while and you’ll never look at the instructions ever again!