First off I want to thank all of you for all your wonderful comments! It’s really neat to see people post here and find new blogs to read. I really appreciate all your support and advice.

We went to the Resolve support group tonight. Den went grudgingly, but I promised him he’d only have to go to the first one – I get a little nervous in new situations, especially new social situations. But he was a good boy, despite some fidgetting all the way through. ;) He even contributed to the discussions! I’m not certain how helpful the Resolve group will be to me… apparently I am not typical in being an information-fiend. But it was kind of interesting to talk to others who go to the same clinic as we do. (There is only one clinic in western MA, so it makes sense!) I’m wondering if it will be more helpful when I’m in the midst of my cycle. But I did kind of get the feeling that I actually get more out of the forums I’m on and this blog… both allow me to vent my frustrations, work things through in my head, and get back valuable support from other people going through the same situations. It really made me appreciate how wonderful these internet communities are.

Den said to night about our decision on what to transfer: it all comes down to the question of do we want twins? Or do we not want twins? And honestly, he’s right, it does come down to that. Of course there are no guarantees in the slightest, anything can happen. But if we do A we stand a good chance of getting twins. If we do B we have a very good chance of getting a singleton with a minute chance of twins. Which to put our bets on? I guess we have some soul-searching to do about what we really want.

Den says all he really wants is a baby. One, two… doesn’t matter. Me, I’ve only recently started thinking twins, and it grew on me. But I have three main worries regarding twins:

First, the physical demands not only on my body, but the risks to the babies. I know twins pregnancies are usually very healthy nowadays – but it does increase the babies risks of early birth and other issues, and any risk is scary.

Second, the financial aspect: two babies will need (in most cases) twice as much things. Of course that’s worrisome. I’m going to be a stay-at-home-mom, so we’re going to have to be relying entirely on Den’s income.

And thirdly, and possibly the biggest thing that is worrying me, is the emotional risks. I have OCPD with subsequent depression. It is managed with medication. However one of the issues I deal with is that I get easily overwhelmed… lots of anxiety, sometimes leading to very black depressive moods. I’m placing faith in my own abilities and my inner strength that I WILL be a good mother. But I worry that twins could be pushing it. The last thing we need is for me to fall into PPD when we have infants. And I know the first few months (or first year) of twins is the hardest. That’s the time that I’m worried about. Having one baby will be hard, and I don’t know how well I’d handle two of them and the increased stresses and lack of sleep.

As Den said tonight, “We’re just going to have to make a last-minute decision.” Boy how I hate that. But he’s right. I guess I’ll just have to go with my gut. Do you hear me, gut?? Speak up!!