Decisions – Why must I make them?
Okay I lied – I’m not feeling comfortable about any decision right now. I’m just worrying about everything. And feeling frustrating that I have to make all these huge decisions that will probably affect the rest of my life. Yes, it’s a good way to look at things if you want to freak yourself out. But think about it… the decisions we make regarding this IVF cycle (and our fertility treatment in general) will affect the outcome of having no pregnancy, pregnancy, or twins. That’s so huge.
I have to say now I’m channelling my husband or something because I’m worried about transferring just one blast. Yeah, I was so sure, so stubborn… and now I’m feeling a little disappointed by it…. disappointed, just a little tiny bit, that if we get to blast stage we wouldn’t really have a chance at twins (well there’d be a slight chance of identicals, which is not what I’d be hoping for!). Is it kind of… silly… that I think I might prefer a day-3 transfer. It’s more rolling the dice… more unknown. Twins, singleton… let mother nature sort it out. Take me out of the decision.
I guess I’ve been thinking so much about the possibility of having twins these last few months I’ve sort of warmed to the idea a little… enough that the thought of transferring only one blast and having no possibility of it makes me a little sad. Which makes NO sense considering how freaked out I was/am. I still am freaked out, don’t get me wrong! The thought of having two babies to take care of is so huge. I’m still freaked out by the idea of having one baby to take care of, nevermind two. But… but. Having two little babies… to play with each other and be each other’s best friend… to have two perfect little beings and not have to worry about possibly never having a sibling for him/her… it’s a warm feeling deep inside.
Part of it might have been brought about by my cats. Now this may sound really silly to most, but I’m a major pet person so bear with me. See, my pets have always been special to me, but there’s always been a definite heirarchy to them. My dog has always been the special one. The cats were a step below her. And at my parents there was “my” cat and then the family cat. What I’m getting at is that it was always very clear to me that I loved one “more” than the other. Now we have two dogs, but again, one is mine, one is not. Very clearly defined. I had my cat, who I love dearly, but obviously a cat is still not on the same level as my dog.
And then we got a second cat. I wanted one, obviously – it was my idea. But still I worried that the new cat would replace the old one in my heart, that I’d love one more than the other. And I didn’t want that to happen. Then the new cat came, and the two kitties became best friends in about an hour (literally) and… well, honestly I love them both so much. It sometimes even feels to me like I love them more now that there’s two of them. They’re both black and white, they make a very striking pair. They have very different personalities in some ways, and yet are annoyingly similar in others. New cat is a major cuddler and I adore cuddles from him… but I swear the best days are when I have both of them curled up with me.
It all has reassured me that I can love two beings equally… and that sometimes two is better than one. I can’t imagine having just one cat now – the two of them are a set.
The doctor really didn’t seem to think transferring two blasts was a good idea for me – or at least that the possibility of twins was pretty huge. But a part of me thinks… shit… would that be so bad?
I definitely understand where you are coming from. I used to just have one cat, and he was just the best – the kind of cat that even DOG lovers loved. But when he passed, I thought twice about just having one cat. Instead I got two, a brother and sister. Sometimes they need me, sometimes they prefer one another, sometimes they prefer to be alone.
I think that is what has calmed me about the possibility of having twins. Whether you have one or two – those babies will be loved. That’s the important part. It’s amazing how resilient we are when faced with something new.
You know, I would just set it aside for now. For one thing, you’ll probably change your mind 100 times between now and then. Also, things might not go how you imagine them to. I was surprised at every step of the way. I didn’t expect to get so few embryos, I didn’t expect to have no choice in whether to transfer embryos or blasts, and I certainly didn’t expect to transfer 3.
I think what you should focus on right now is just feeling good. Once the IVF process starts, it will roll forward and sweep you up with it; you’ll really be a passenger – and that’s ok. The decisions ARE so big, it’s nice to just roll with it!
Lots of things can still happen, believe me! My first IVF, 2 embryos were transferred, 1 took, but this ended into a chemical pregnancy. For the second IVF, 3 were transferred, because they did not look great, and none took. 1st FET: 2 embryos, both took, one split into 3, resulting into quads. I am tempted to tell you “trust your doctor”. I know it is lame, but he is the most apt at giving you advice. Good luck with everything
Thanks so much for the advice girls.
Lindsay – I’m glad someone else understands the weird craziness that is my pets and how I feel about them. ;)
Squarepeg – You are very right. I think my husband has been trying to get me to do just that from the start, LOL. I’ve always been a worrier, way too much than I need to be!
Marie-baguette – WOW. That is just… amazing. It’s crazy what can happen in all of this.
I concur with everyone else. You may want to procrastinate until the last minute with this one so you can’t second guess yourself a million times. If I were in your shoes, I’d be doing the same exact thing. Going around and around…
Sweet story about the kitties. I know that whether you have a singleton or twins, you will feel so much love that it won’t matter about the quantity.