Bad Dreams and Plans
After I got my BFN I went back to bed and fell asleep. Apparently my mind wasn’t in a great place, because I ended up having a crappy nightmare, something about hippos and Den’s brother getting eaten by a shark. I always love getting hysterical in dreams, don’t you? Woke up and snuggled close to Den for a while. I usually get to work at around 11 – but due to staying in bed and not having to get up (because Den’s off work today) I’m still home and it’s 12:30. Thank goodness I have a job that doesn’t really care when I come in.
I’m starting to understand why people throw in the towel after a few years of this. It’s taking over my life. At first it was a fun obsession. Now it’s something that I just can’t get away from. All I think about is the next appointment, next test, next AF, next cycle. I’m starting to wonder what the hell clomid is really supposed to do. I mean, if I had 13 eggs before going on clomid, and none of them fertilized/stuck, why would increasing the number of them help? There’s gotta be something more at work here. Endo? Poor egg quality? Hostile endometrium lining? I want to know, and I want them to fix it, instead of rolling the wheel every month.
The way I’m seeing it – this cycle’s due date would have been end of September, our next cycle – our last Clomid/IUI cycle – will put us at end of October. For the two cycles after that I definitely don’t want to do IVF… so whether it’s taking a break or doing just clomid or what, I don’t really know. But then after that I think we’ll be looking to IVF for a 2008 baby. To me this gives me enough time to come to grips with the idea, gives the clomid a fighting chance of working, and by then I’ll be ready to take the plunge. IVF scares the crap out of me, just so you know. But damnit… two cycles of clomid down and I’m already getting fed up with it and ready to move on.
Can I make a small suggestion.I remember reading in TCOYF about how the ultrasounds to predict ovulation arent always correct. And to go with the signs of your body rather than the meds. What stuck out to me on this last cycle was you reported having a lot of EWCM after your IUI. To me this struck me as even tho you had the shot to release and your US looked good, that you might not have actually ovulated for a day or so after. And if timing for you all needs to super precice, you might have IUI too early.
Anyway, this is just a thing that came to mind when I read that entry, I thought, oh no she went too early. I really hope to not make you mad by sharing my thought, I know this is an incredibly hard time.
I certainly dont mean to insinuate your docs dont know what they are doing either, I just want this for you. *hugs*
That’s weird… I’ve always read that it’s the opposite, that you shouldn’t worry about your chart when you’re getting triggered, as the trigger is more predictable. Though you are right – ovulation can happen anywhere from 24-48 hours after the trigger (our IUI was 24 hours after), but we also had sex that night (and sperm live for several days) so honestly I think we’re covered either way.
oh well i didnt know about the sex that night part.
/blush :p
the only book i have is tcoyf and she seems to be very pro body signs and less pro meds so thats why i thought that.
Yeah… and I was definitely fully into that at first, too, lol. I guess my opinions have changed.
so sorry it did not go this time around, you are such a smart woman and I am marveled at your perserverance, thinking of you.
Well, I saw ur post with just as much trepidation…I hoped soo much u’d have a BFP.
I have to say (like the many comments u’d get on UW)that u have a damn mature head on those young shoulders…you go girl….And I sure hope u will have a happy pooing, peeing, puking little thing (or 2)of ur own by 2008.