By Herself
The problem with your first [live] child is that they really feel they can’t function without your constant attention.
“Mama, I dropped it!”
(Pick it up!)
“Mama, you draw circle!”
(I already did, you cried that it was wrong. I am not falling for that again.)
“MAMA!!!”
(I am not responding to you until you ask nicely and quietly. Do not yell at me.)
“Mama throw garbage.”
(I’ve thrown several things in the garbage now, I’m pretty convinced you’re asking me to do it just to make me stop whatever else I am doing.)
I have taken to intentionally ignoring her, hiding in the kitchen cleaning (which, yes, needs to get done) just so that she will do something on her own. And she does! If I’m sitting with her she decides she can’t possibly draw well enough, I ought to do it for her. Yesterday while I was hiding out of sight she not only traced numbers she she also colored within the lines, something she’s never shown any inclination – much less ability – to do before.
There’s been talk about that article written about the mom on the iphone, and rebuttals, and blah blah I don’t pay much attention. But Julie wrote about it over at A Little Pregnant and I think it’s worth the read. “During interludes of benign neglect we’re simultaneously teaching our children something valuable: that other people’s desires are important, too; that you’re not always the focus of every eye, and you mustn’t expect to be; that when you need us we’ll be present, but not every second you merely want; that if Momma — shudder — looks away for a minute, you’ll still be fine.”
I’m home with my kids, doing craft projects with Kate and taking them to the Children’s Museum and the Library and playdates. They come grocery shopping with me and trips to Target where they learn all about the joy of shopping for useless but cute things. I take three billion photos of them. When I’m reading and posting online it’s usually about them – uploading photos, sharing stories (or rants) – simply because this is my life all day. Kate is fine if we are out, but she doesn’t handle boredom well. At home if I’m not Paying Attention To Her she is hanging off my arm whining, begging me to wattcchhh meeeeeee. The poor kiddo needs to learn how to occupy herself.
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Kate is a very outgoing, friendly child. When we are out she says hi to everyone we see. Now that she is learning new things she likes to walk up to people and say, “Look! Look at the fish/toy/shoes/whatever!” She also says helpful things like, “That’s Mama!” The other day at the Children’s Museum she kept trying to show an older boy the lion that she had made. (He was quite snotty about it, pushing her hand away and telling her to leave him alone. Nice.) Today we went to an Ecotarium, full of interesting exhibits about animals and weather and dinosaurs. At one point we came across another girl around 3 years old and Kate and her ran giggling into a “fort” together. I could hear them talking in quiet girl-voices. They both peeked their head out the door, just hanging out together. When they came out they went over to a microscope to explore and Kate pointed and said, “Your turn!”
Like I said, she’s just a friendly kid. She’s going to love preschool in the fall! I’m leaning towards putting her in the 3 days a week class (a 3-4 year old class), as opposed to the 2 days a week (a 3 year old class). The kid has an obsession with letters and numbers and words and she’s not lacking on social skills. I think she’ll do just fine.
Been reading a long time but don’t comment too much lately….but this post struck a cord with me. I read the “cellphone” article and got all guilted out by it and then after much thought I alse realized it was okay for the reasons you sited above. As a full time working parent…the time I have with my kids is limited….and I do make the most of it…but on the weekends after much 1 on 1 time….mama also needs some time…there are a LOT of drains on mamas. Working mamas, stay at home mamas….etc. Sometimes we need to do things for us too. So…as long as I feel I am not taking away from my kids…I don’t get too guilty over needing to do my own thing. My kids are opposite of yours….my oldest learned to play and entertain himself pretty well from a young age. I purposely would give him 20 minutes or more a day from the time he could sit on his own and play by himself. I would put him in the pack n play or on a blanket in a child proof room and then just disapear to a part of the house where I could still hear him or watch him on the monitor. He is now very good at finding a toy or playing on his own. But my younger one has always had a big brother around and if he is not there and I am busy…she is lost lost lost. She just wants me to hold her and play with her constantly. I really need to work with her on playing independently. So…don’t feel guilty….by teaching Kate to play on her own…you are teaching her to be comfortable in silence and in her own space. She will develop more imagination and will be able to calm and soothe herself better in times of stress. I think there is so much garbage out there about how we should all parent exactly the same or do this or do that or this is bad or this is good. I try not to even read it anymore….when it comes down to it…I need to do what I feel is right for me and my kids to find balance…and balance often means teetering one way or another for awhile before things level out.
kd
Ahhh, see, who needs more guilt?! Working moms have it super hard, so many demands on their time!
It’s interesting your kids personalities are reversed like that. I was assuming it was a first child thing, but maybe it’s just all personality.
I think it is a personality thing. George, my 2.5 yo, has always been very independent, from the very start. He does not have the patience to wait for me to show hom anything, but now I can tell him what to do while he does it, that he can put up with and even likes. He always played by himself, I mean without needing my involvement, which was nice, since we both thought the other was clearly doing IT ALL WRONG. He wanted me present, but by the time he was 1.5 he very much liked to be by himself so he can do all he wanted without me saying no, don’t . He goes to a crèche where he is a baby magnet, all the smaller children want to play with him, and he is surprisingly, nice and accomodating. Such a nice surprise.
It’s so weird, Kate used to be more independent from 1-2. She was fine going off and playing on her own. Now it’s just coming back full circle to how she was as a baby, very needy!
You know what, I kind of do the “by herself” thing with food for my 22 month old. If I offer her food, she says no, shakes her head and hands it back to me. If I put food out on the table, she’ll come by a minute later and find a yummy snack!
My mom, who takes care of my baby while I work, has her own trick – when she’s trying to tempt Jane into eating something, my mom pretends it’s her own food and then Jane ‘steals’ it away. She’s delighted that she outsmarted Grandma and got her food while my mom is happy that the baby is eating.
Kids are weird. I’d be thrilled if somebody made me three meals and two snacks each day and I didn’t have to cook or clean up. :)
Be warned: that doesn’t continue working. LOL It still works once in a while but I’m more likely to get a “NO!!” when I ask if she wants a bite of my food. Oh children.