5 long years
Devin’s birthday is quickly approaching. It’s on Wednesday. I have successfully avoided thinking about it until March. Every year we invite some of Den’s family over for dinner, if not on Devin’s birthday on the weekend before/after. I have yet to actually mention anything. I could say I’m distracted with the girls and other things, but in reality I just have let my mind slide around the whole topic instead of sitting down with it.
It’s been 5 years. He’s be starting kindergarten this year. 5 years feels like a long time… he has two little sisters now. I realized that I don’t really talk to Kate about Devin at all, I keep thinking she’s too young to understand. She knows the picture is Devin, but that’s about it.
His stone should have been placed finally. Maybe I should take a drive.
I understand. Angus is just a few months older than Kate. And we’ve only just sort of started. He finally asked the other day where Hope was. I said “Hope died sweet”. Of course the first thing he said was “why?” I said she was sick (which sort of isn’t really the case, but is, but isn’t if you know what I mean) but what do you say? He asked three times in a row before getting distracted, and it hasn’t come up again since, but I know it will. There is no rule book here, and I know we’re all doing the best we can. Remembering your firstborn precious son.
xo
Five years, they seem to have flown by. I still remember reading your news down to the details that day. At home, behind my computer, upstairs in the little office that I still used a lot then. I ran downstairs crying my eyes out. It was the day before we had an appointment to go over the last details of our wedding and choose a cake.
I remember sitting there thinking, how the hell can I choose a cake when Devin is gone? How does one do happy things when Devin is gone? I waved all the examples away and told them to pick whatever. When we got married on the 30th I saw the thing for the first time. It was layered with all kinds of fruits. Whatever, I couldn’t care less.
March will simply always be his month, for me. *hugs*
Thinking of you.
I cannot believe its been so long. I found your blog when I was up late one night with my then newborn son (who just turned 5!) I had PPD and was really just feeling awful. Then I read your birth story and began following your blog and it gave me perspective. You are an amazing writer and have always shown so much courage and strength. I love your brutal, honest, naked writing style. I will bookmark your other blog as well. I hope you never stop writing. I feel like I know you :))
I can’t believe it’s been 5 years either. I started reading your blog right around that time. I still love seeing the little sheep in your header… makes me smile.