Learning lessons
One of the things that irritates me is when people come to conclusions about all children everywhere based on their one child. I was guilty of this too, in fact. I was a hardcore “Attachment Parent” with Kate, especially when it came to sleep. She needed me and for close to a year I could barely sneak away after nursing her to sleep. I co-slept all night. I took naps with her. I wore her everywhere and she napped on me or wherever we were. She would not sleep in any swing, bouncer, pack’n’play, crib or any other device that did not have the name of MAMA. (Okay, that’s a lie… she would sleep on daddy. Or anyone, really, as long as she had warm arms.) I never planned to do it that way. We had a swing, a cosleeper, a crib. I had envisioned putting my baby to sleep in her bed. We started out doing just that, in fact. It was a week in when she informed me that wasn’t going to work for her and it didn’t again for a long time.
And the thing is, even though I was doing what my child needed and listening to my instincts and just being the Mama, sometimes I wondered if I was doing something wrong. All these articles out there, all this opinion about sleep and just having to “tough it out” and “train them.” We tried a few times… it failed spectacularly. Kate had not read those articles. A big part of me couldn’t understand how anyone got their baby to sleep on their own. Were they torturing their children?? It certainly felt like torture when we tried it. Like every fiber of her being was screaming in fear of being left alone forever, that the ground was going to swallow her whole and spit her out into outer space. I tried to have perspective, I tried to take a step back, and I certainly never said anything to anyone… but I wondered. What were people doing to their children? Clearly forcing them to sleep alone was horrible.
Enter Ember. We set up the cosleeper and the swing again, but I rolled my eyes at them. I knew what a baby needed. I was ready. And she… didn’t need any of it. She sleeps beautifully in the swing. She’ll sleep in the middle of my bed when I put her down, all splayed out and apparently happy. In fact I discovered that she sleeps better for naps if I put her down in a different room! I now put her in the rock’n’play or on my bed and leave her there. At night I put her in the cosleeper. Okay, yes, she does end up sleeping beside me after she nurses a few times, but that’s mostly because I’m lazy. I could move her back and she’d be fine. I get up in the morning and she continues sleeping.
She’s going through a little rough patch, she’s a bit cranky and fighting naps. What Kate needed during those times was extra cuddles, holding, bouncing. I tried that with Ember and she still wouldn’t sleep. What does work? Leaving her. Contrary to all my expectations, all my learning from my first child, all my previous beliefs as a parent… if I leave her in her swing while she grumbles and whines and squawks, if she is tired and needs a nap she will fall asleep.. and sleep well. Now of course I do not leave her screaming and sobbing hysterically, that’s different. But I didn’t even have a concept for this. I really thought that people meant they would leave their baby to scream themselves hoarse until they fell asleep… because that’s how it was with Kate, that was the only other option.
Ember certainly has a lot to teach me… humility being #1. Those rules that I built and used for Kate worked… for Kate. They do not necessarily apply to anyone else. Ember has a different set of rules. I realize now that you really can’t judge someone for what works for their child – you just don’t know.
Also it occurs to me that Ember is probably the “normal” one. Kate was “special.” Good thing I had her first.
I’ve always enjoyed reading your posts about Kate’s sleep and needing to be near you, because my son is so much like that. He’s almost 4, and I still lie next to him to put him to sleep, and he still climbs into our bed somewhere between 2 and 4 every morning. He never had a lovey – what calms him is holding my boobs (no, we’re not still nursing :) ). Like you, I knew that CIO would *never* work. He really can’t calm himself at all. It’s hard to imagine a child not being that way. As I’m expecting #2 now, a part of me wanted to work on getting him to be more independent. But I think it would be a really hard time for him to make that transition, and we may end up with a baby girl who’s happy to self-soothe. So I’m going to deal with it when I get there.
That’s all you really can do! I am thankful that Kate now does not need me to sleep with her (though we both love a good couch-nap together). Though if she wakes up in the middle of the night I still HAVE to get up with her, give her cuddles on the couch, calm her down, and then get her back to bed…. usually takes an hour. Some people are appalled that I spend that much time in the middle of the night with my 2 year old. But for me this is pretty darn good!
Ember sucks her fingers, too. That’s a huge help, when she’s fussy she has them right there! Always with her, never get lost. lol
My son has slept through the night, for 10-12 hours, in his crib since he was 9 months old. He does wake at night, but he puts himself back to sleep. He also naps for 2-3 hours a day and never fusses about going into his bed. I thought that I was just the best sleep trainer EVER. Then I met other people kids. It turns out that I am incredibly lucky to have a child that enjoys sleep as much as his parents. I am also terrified to have another child because I’ve been so spoiled. Surely the next one will not be so easy!
This is a beautiful post, and something I wish more people would understand. Just like no adult is the same as another, no baby is the same as another. They all have their unique little quirks/habits/comfort techniques, and our job as Mama’s is to do what works for that baby, for our family. Period.
And Rebecca, my son has slept like that since he was 4 months old and he’s Kate’s age now. BUT, he will NOT sleep ANYWHERE but his own room, in his own bed. Not in the car, not in hotel rooms, not at Auntie’s or Gramma’s. HIS ROOM. That’s it.
I’m also terrified about a second child that may be a non-sleeper. Argh, the world of babies. It’s so worth it!! :)
Erin, I’m having the same problem! If he’s not in his own bed? Forget it. He’ll sit in the middle of the living room floor and cry from exhaustion, but won’t put his head down. I’ve been trying to stretch him a little, but apparently HE doesn’t think it’s a problem. lol
Exactly! “HE” doesn’t think it’s a problem! Ah, finally someone who understands. lol I miss traveling and days that don’t revolve around the precious nap schedule. But, I will take this any day over a non-sleeper at night. We can travel when he outgrows napping. Hopefully. Cross your fingers for me.