1 Month!
So somehow Ember is 1 month old. How did that happen?
I have been quiet because I’ve been struggling a little to adjust to how different it is the second time around. With Kate I was just so enthralled to have a living child. I had a lot of anxiety when I wasn’t holding her so I held her pretty much all the time. I’ve mentioned before, too, how my love for her grows as she does, falling in love with who she is and all the things she does – it’s amazing and overwhelming. Now I have another little person who is mine, but I don’t know who she is yet. I love her, I want to protect her and take care of her, but I don’t know her. I’ve spent a lot of time the past few weeks just staring at her face, wondering who she’s going to be, wondering what kind of personality she’s going to have. I’m okay with putting her down to sleep and with other people holding her, I don’t have that anxiety that I did with Kate. I suppose this is far more “normal,” but it feels weird to me considering how different it is from my last experience.
Kate was a high-needs baby and she very quickly became attached to us in particular, crying when other people held her (because they held her “wrong” according to her rulebook), screaming when put down, needing to be worn and held and cuddled and nursed. It was stressful, yes, but it was also very rewarding, knowing that she needed me, that I was her mommy and only I could make everything okay again. Ember is a far more mellow baby and just doesn’t need me in that same desperate way. I can put her down and she sleeps fine, I can pass her off and she doesn’t mind. For a little while I felt a bit at a loss, especially coming from her NICU stay where I didn’t really feel like a mom to a newborn at all. (But then I do have the boobs, and while they may not recognize people they most certainly recognize boobs!)
She’s starting to smile and coo now, and that really sparked something in me. I know her preferences now, and I start to see hints at her personality and who she is. She is definitely so very different from Kate, and I think that’s a good thing. I look forward to falling in love with all the pieces of her as they are revealed.
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One major way Ember differs from infant Kate is her sleep preferences. They are the same in that neither one cared to be swaddled, but Ember actually likes being on her back. Kate was a tummy sleeper – I didn’t let her unsupervised, but it was clear that’s what she wanted. She slept on her belly on our chests, she slept on her belly on her playmat, and at night she slept on her side belly-to-belly with me (or is that belly-to-boob?). She hated being on her back, even in a bathtub, or playtime on the floor, and especially to sleep. If you held her in a cradle hold in your arms she would get upset. (That was the mistake most people made.) She wanted to be held against your chest. So of course my instinct is to hold Ember the same way. Many times I have been trying to soothe and cuddle her against my chest, rocking in the chair or walking her around, and she keeps turning her head side to side fitfully and whining. I get perplexed, of course, and start wondering if it is her diaper, or a gas bubble? But then she slides down to the crook of my arm, resting on her back, face-up… and she immediately relaxes and falls asleep. After that happens I just kind of stare at her in shock and then have to mentally shake myself: she is not Kate!
She continues to sleep in the bouncer, but we recently tried the papasan swing and oh. my. word. The girl LOVES it. 3 hour naps. No fussing at all, no whimpers, no jostling her to sleep and gingerly setting her down. Whenever I think she’s sleepy I make sure she has a clean diaper and is nursed, I strap her in and zonk, she’s out. Middle of the living room, Kate playing (and crashing and yelling) all around. Ember is a happy little girl in there.
At night I am trying to move her into her cosleeper after she’s asleep, but that has varying degrees of success. One night she slept 4 hours, another 3, but some nights she won’t sleep longer than an hour… and it gets progressively worse as the night continues. I know she prefers movement of some sort, whether it’s sleeping on me on the rocking chair, in the car, in the swing, or the vibration of the bouncer chair. I don’t really want to sleep on the couch in the living room with her in the swing, so I just keep trying with the cosleeper. She invariably ends up sleeping in my bed in my arms. But here’s where that whole “unexpected” thing comes into play: she pushes me away from her. Kate always wanted me as close as possible – she wanted to be on me, or in my arms, or pressed up against my side. When she was older and I’d try shuffling away from her at night she would shuffle right up against me every time. This will clearly not be my problem with Ember. After she nurses she turns her head and fidgets for a little bit. Then she starts pushing with her arms trying to roll onto her back. When this started I would sit up to try to figure out what was bothering her, only to have Ember throw her arms over her head, sigh happily, and fall fast asleep. So now every night after the cosleeper has been tried and Ember is happily asleep on my side of the bed I end up squashed in the middle against Denis, afraid to move and unable to roll over or stretch out. Ember slept a 5 hour stretch last night. I did not.
In the car as long as she’s not hungry or wet/dirty she just falls asleep. She doesn’t care a whole lot for the car seat, so she’ll fuss when I put her in it (so I try to wait until right as we’re leaving), but soon as the car is moving she’s out. If she’s deeply asleep we can bring her inside and let her continue sleeping, but once she’s awake and realizes she’s not in the car and isn’t moving she is unhappy and wants out of the carseat. Den doesn’t mind carrying the carseat around but it is heavy even without taking into consideration a 10lb baby inside it. Once it’s just me with the two kids I really doubt I’ll be lugging it anywhere unless I specifically want the carseat for something. I’ve been using my ring sling a lot, she is happy to sleep in that and it’s easy to get her in and out of. I have a k’tan carrier I bought this time but I have to admit I am not a huge fan of it. It’s okay, but I should have purchased a smaller size; even though the small fits me I prefer to carry higher and tighter.
So cute!
As you know, E was so much like Kate as a baby. I often imagine what it would be like to have a chill one. I had that exact same anxiety you had at the beginning too. God. It nearly killed me. But I agree… even if it was awful, it was rewarding being needed.
The anxiety was terrible. :( But I am thankful I got to hold her all the time!
It is really interesting to read your experiences adapting to a second child. I’m pregnant with my second right now. I know I didn’t fall in love with my son immediately – it took a few weeks. So when I read your blog, it makes me think a lot about how things will be when my second arrives. I’m also hoping for a more relaxed baby this time around, but at the same time I can’t imagine what that would be like!
With Kate it was a few days, until she was home and settled. So it’s unsettling that it’s taking a little longer this time. From what I hear talking to friends it’s pretty normal for a second child.
Are you sure it’s the movement and not the elevated head? Kathleen slept in the car seat for months because she wouldn’t sleep any other way. I’d put it in her crib in the car seat.
We also tried putting something under the mattress to elevate the level surface
She does seem to like having an elevated head, but she definitely loves the movement. She hates the car seat unless it is moving in the car. :/
She is just gorgeous!!
Thanks Nina!
Ember sounds like my little boy except he refused to co-sleep. In fact he refused to nurse lying down, insisting instead on nursing in a semi-reclined position, so we always fed in the rocker and then I’d transfer him awake (he rarely fell asleep in my arms after the first month or so) into the crib where he’d pass right out almost instantly (he loved his space).
My daughter is the opposite. She has to be within arms reach (hers) for her to sleep for more than 20-40min at a time. So, even though we’d rather she was in the crib she almost always ends up in our bed for most of the night.
Have you thought to set up a side-car crib for Ember? Put a convertable crib into day bed mode so that the matress of the crib and your bed are flush together. Then have Ember sleep in the crib while you sleep in the bed. That way you have space to sleep comfortably and she remains within proximity to you in her own space. Then you’re both on the same surface and there’s no lifting her in and out of anything to nurse overnight.
http://www.drmomma.org/2010/01/turn-your-crib-into-cosleeper.html
She is beautiful, by the way.
Oh my, that’s pretty extreme! Ember isn’t quite that bad. I think sidecarring would be a great solution, except Kate is still using the crib (converted as a toddler bed now, though). So if I want to take the crib I have to switch her into a different bed (which we need to do at some point anyways!) then I’ll set it up in our room. I tried sidecarring with Kate but she refused to sleep that far away from me, ha.